This makes no sense: For 10 years, Lucius had been trying to track down Potter to no avail. Black was rotting in Azkaban, meaning Harry couldn't be sent to live with him. Lucius knew he wasn't a Death Eater but it was advantageous to keep the last remaining Black in prison. It allowed Lucius access to the Black vaults through his wife Narcissa and in a few years, Draco would be the new Lord Black. It was such an irony that it was Black gold which kept the current Lord Black from accessing his titles.

Evil: "I'm safe from Voldemort but not my relatives. They hate me."

"Now, my boy, they might not be doting, but I truly doubt they hate you."

Harry chose not to respond but instead changed topics.

And why the fuck has Hermione said nothing? She regardless of who it is and knowing how fucked up Harry was would have said something. At the very least called Dumbles on his bullshit.

That was funny

Oh yes!" He snapped his fingers. "She told him his mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries. No idea where she came up with it but I've never seen Voldemort so enraged."

He just admitted to not caring until the last trap went off and that he knew it was Harry and not Voldyshorts. That makes him evil, or at least weivel (wee bit evil)

"My boy, did you think the only thing on that door was a simple locking charm? I set up a detection ward that would alert me if anyone opened the door. From there, I set another ward at every doorway, to alert me if a someone was able to get passed an obstacle. When you set off the one with the mirror, I knew it was serious and headed back immediately."

Did he snatch it, which would require him to walk/run to get it or did he summon it? And during that time what the hell was Hermione doing and Harry as he was released.

Ah the mudblood," Quirrell said after snatching his wand from across the room.

Here is another spot where time difference or more description in what is happening would help as the paragraph makes it shound like Harry is on the ground, broom in hand and "banking " on his feet.

Shouting "UP!" he called the broom to his hand. As soon as he did, half the keys scattered while the other half, attacked. Banking hard, Harry

How much time has passed in this chapter from the last? How about between scenes? It feels like it should be February or March at most as it's only been a few weeks since the training blowup. But they are already going for the stone so does that mean it is June now?

Just curious, but seriously, why would Neville know such a song?

(A/N: One, I didn't want Snape to referee because I don't know what good that would have done except add needless consternation.

I have to strongly disagree, Snape being there and nothing bad happening throws doubt that he is the one who tried to kill Harry. It was very needful. Also Harry's lost at many things, his one glory in the entire HP world was being a quiddich prodigy and being unbeaten. He had nothing else besides luck. Now you have him as using his head(ish) and making an effort to learn like a normal child, there was no real reason to have him lose.

Now if it was against Cho and his lesson was in not being distracted by a pretty face then I'd be all for it. Especially, since Cedric could have easily talked to him during the potions club.

How are they supposed to know this?

"I will take you back up to the castle," McGonagall said. "Thank you for signaling for help but it is dangerous to be anywhere near the forest come nightfall. You should know this."

It has never come up

That does not compute even in a fake world: Despite being the leaner player on the quicker broom, Harry was flying into the wind which leveled the playing field between the two Seekers.

They were both flying into the wind as they were next to eachother so this as an excuse to "introduce Cedric is JKr level contrived. I hope you change the first time you have Cedric's father meeting him as he rubbed it into Harry's face that Cedric beat him.

You may want to think a bit about things like this:

Soon, classes were underway and the teachers showed they weren't going to let up. McGonagall was moving on to switching spells. She had them start by switching a quill with the air next to it, making it appear as if the quill teleported. As students got better, they were allowed to swap two items and start moving further away.

How is swapping air in one location with another transfiguration and not charms? There is no transformation occurring.

This goes tho with most authors acting as if DADA has its own spells. Those spells are all from charms and transfiguration, just applied to defense.

Here is another example where time indication would help:

"But it wasn't really over, was it? Neville lost his parents, Susan hers. Draco's father keeps the ideology that caused the war alive and instilled it into his son. We have to do better, be better."

"Oh! There's mum and daddy!" Hermione shot off like a rocket, catapulting into her father's waiting arms.

Right now it reads as if whatever Harry said is unimportant and doesn't matter to Hermione.

Writing feedback: there needs to be a sense of time passing.

For instance, between start and end of some dialog. The scene of Harry reading the letter doesn't show if Hermione cut his crying off immediately upon him finishing or waited until he finished crying.

There's another spot where it isn't clear when broom lessons started. Was it second week, third week of September? Was it the 1st week of October?

In a five like this some time reference is needed especially since you don't use scene breaks or other references to changes.

I'm sorry but that is not "flawed " Dumbledore, that would only apply if he repented and tried to help Harry positively as soon as he found out how horrid Harry's life was. Anyone who would continue is Evil, maybe not Pure Evil but evil nonetheless, 1% evil is still evil.