Reviews for United Enemies
Ayama-chi 4 chapter 2 . 3/23/2012
The story started out nicely, but I can clearly see that English is not your native tongue. There are many grammar mistakes and sometimes entire words are simply missing from the sentence, thus making it very hard to read and follow the plot.

For example: "full-filling" sould be "fulfilling".

In the next two lines you wrote:

"The Welcome Feast shall be taking place within a few minutes, Severus, shall we leave?" asked Albus Dumbledore smiling.

"Yes, Headmaster." Severus's expression turned into unconvincing forced of eagerness.

It should have been:

"The Welcome Feast *will* be taking place within a few minutes, Severus, shall we leave?" asked Albus Dumbledore, smiling. (not the comma before the "smiling").

"Yes, Headmaster." Severus's expression turned into unconvincing forced of eagerness.

And here note that the sentense is sort of jumbled up and simply unreadable. Severus' expression turned into *an* unconvincing what? Mask of eagerness? Or perhaps his expression showed forced eagerness?

"unconvincing forced of eagerness" is not a valid statment, at least not one that supplies the reader with information.

Such mistakes are very common, and I've only read the first and some of the second chapters. While the story has great potential, you urgently need to someone to beta read it for you, preferably an English speaker.
tigerlily124 chapter 15 . 11/14/2011
Hey there, I know this is an old story, but I just found it. I enjoyed it long enough to stay up long past my bedtime *yawn*. Good job!
Pepperonyfan1982 chapter 15 . 7/9/2011
brilliant! absolutely brilliant!
Wendy chapter 15 . 10/6/2007
O.M.G! I hate you! thats a horrible cliffy! im going to cry *sniff, sniff, SOB!* oh my god your not nice! Make a sequel or something! and if you have then i feel like an idiot right now but if you havnt im going to restate the fact that i hate you!
honore chapter 4 . 7/6/2007
I love this, but I don't think you can keep up with the point system at the rate you are deducting points from the Lions den- Snape takes 50 and 60 points off every time he sees them. Thanks
Bodo chapter 15 . 7/23/2006
cool story, I like it realy much!
zafaran chapter 15 . 3/19/2005
Is there any possibility of a sequel to this story? I like this version of Severus and Harry, and would love the chance to look into their lives again. Keep up the good work. Zafaran chapter 1 . 1/31/2005
Dear Snivellus, I couldn't find your e-mail so I had to send this in a review. Sorry.

I just opened an archive called Potions and Snitches which is about Snape and Harry mentor fics and father/son fics, that sort of thing. I'm sending the link out to all the authors and readers who I think would be interested.

Here you go:


CharmedKy chapter 15 . 1/7/2005
I really really liked this story! Your a very talented writer! Please, please write a sequel!
just me chapter 2 . 11/16/2004
I've just started reading this story, and it seems to be well told and readable. But.. you need a beta to pick up those spelling and grammar errors! It feels sometimes as if your first language isn't English, but maybe it's just things that creep in while you're editing? But there's certainly nothing so far that a good beta/editor couldn't sort out - I'll keep reading, the good points outweigh far outweigh the few problems.
Potions and Snitches New Fics chapter 1 . 11/15/2004
Hello wonderful author! :)

This is just to let you know that your story is listed in my website "Potions and Snitches", a fanfiction site dedicated to the mentor relationships between Harry Potter and Severus Snape. Please let me know if you want me to take it down, update your info, talk about chocolate frogs, or have any questions. A link to the website is in my profile.

Thank you for your story! :)

severusdraco chapter 15 . 9/27/2004
ohh. that was so good! the last two chapters I really cried. It was so wonderful. Severus first words "Harry Potter"- WONDERFUL! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! for the Happy End!
Aredhel Tasartir chapter 15 . 3/9/2004
Liked your fic. And now it is over...
Athena Keating-Thomas chapter 15 . 12/4/2003
A well written story even if it's easy to tell that English isn't your first language. I'm sure your English will improve as you continue writing which will make the stories even better. I do want to express the thought that the end of the story was rather abrupt. Perhaps you might expand on it further; I'm sure there's a good deal that Snape would have to go through to recover from a half of a Dementor's kiss...
Melwasul chapter 15 . 11/30/2003
This was just so beautiful! *snif* Really, it was absolutely perfect! You rock!
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