|Reviews for Family Curse|
| Ranmaleopard chapter 1 . 11/14/2011
This is really amazing I can't wait to see what happens next. Please continue!
| Kai Hiwatari Seigaku's Phoenix chapter 6 . 8/26/2009
this is alsome update soon please
| FantomoDrako chapter 6 . 5/24/2008
I'm liking this story. After this chapter though, will time be moving quicker? As I said, I like this story, but I don't think I could read it too much longer if you don't speed up time soon. Maybe you should do some time frame leaps? Bits and pieces every now and then every couple of years or something.
Anyway, can't wait to read what happens next! Oh, I love the fact that you used a fox for a cursed form. I love foxes!
| Ganheim chapter 6 . 5/23/2008
Prologue: How it all began
I would like to introduce to you my iinazuke,
[What's wrong with English? Why use the Japanese iinazuke?]
Thus far, Genma had kept Nodoka blissfully unaware of his curse and of her duty should she decide to actually marry him after what he had to tell her.
[Although this is quite likely given Saotome Genma's canon character, Nodoka's character is much less known. Might she scare him in the possibility of what she'd do to him when she finds out that she hid it from him?]
"No, I don't believe you have, anata."
[Some Japanese is acceptable – certain words just can't be translated, and some are probably best not translated. However, there's no reason for that to be slapped onto the sentence in the first place. I’m aware that ‘anata’ is often used in a familiar sense, more precisely ‘dear’ in this context, but many other readers won’t know that and your context doesn’t clearly define it. That’s why I stick by my recommendation to use English whenever possible.]
"Anata, what is he saying,
[See above note on unnecessary Japanese. Sticking to English when possible is the best idea, doing so avoids disrupting the narrative.]
The result was a dunking in one of over a hundred springs in the Training Ground.
[If this doesn't result in a change of the curse, shouldn't it still cause a change of form since it's a splash with cold water?]
Some springs affect only the body or mind, and some affect both,
[There's no canon instances of the spring affecting mind or personality – the anime episode “The Killer from Jusenkyo” isn't in line with manga canon which seems consistent that the curse never changes how a person acts.]
Chapter One: Here's Ranma! And other matters, of course...
as he saw how polite the boy was,
[A thing which will not last.]
I will not accept you’re doing more than encouraging.”
[Spelling/punctuation: your. “you're” is a contraction of “you are”.]
knowing how important giri was to her husband,
[Another example where there’s nothing gained by using the Japanese ‘giri’ instead of English ‘duty’ or ‘honor’.]
Chapter Two: Hard Training and New Friends
[Obligatory Japanese: there's nothing lost with 'yes'. There's also nothing wrong with 'father' or 'dad', but in limited use and specific context it can be allowable.]
While the distance wasn’t very great, only about three meters,
[Three meters is a very significant distance in close-quarters combat like most martial arts. It would allow out-distancing pretty much everything from open-handed to swords. Even polearms wouldn't easily match three meters, only thrown weapons like the kusari-gama would stand a chance.]
“but Ranma already has an iinazuke.
and the hayabusa on tsume is used in the Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics match
[hayabusa 'no' tsume? Otherwise, there's a difference I'm unaware of.]
Chapter Three: Homecoming
You’re mother isn’t
changing back would be much more difficult without this’
[Missing closing period.]
“But No-chan,” Genma started, but his wife cut him off in that same flat voice. “Don’t ‘No-chan’ me,
[Source Mixing: can easily lead to bad writing. In this case it's clear who's saying what, though I still would have separated it differently.]
I won’t my son or his best friend
and it required another
[week (last stated time period) or half hour?]
“Huh?” Ranma asked intelligently, and the teacher repeated herself in an irritated tone. “What is thirteen minus seven, Saotome-san?”
[Source Mixing: inserting multiple people doing things (particularly dialogue) confuses the true speaker. Also: I think the response Ranma would make would be 'unintelligently'.]
and said a quick “gomen-nasai” before hurrying toward home.
Chapter Four: Should have read that next page...
“It’s called the Nekoken.”
[Most of the other changes I can accept, but Ranma inflicting the Nekoken on himself I can't wrap my brain around. It just says 'no, Genma does that'.]
and he tapped both children on the head with his hashi to gain their attention.
“You know my feelings on this matter, anata.
While she could see Ranma’s worry when he glanced at her in class, she felt no comfort from those looks of concern,
[Given how your description has consistently said that Ranma isn't worried but Ukyou is, wouldn't it be more appropriate to say that Ranma clearly sees _Ukyou's_ fear? I also want to state that besides the fact that Ukyou's probably smarter than just going along with this – a notion reinforced by her consistent lack of enthusiasm and help explicitly stated in the story – I don't believe that she'd go through with it.]
...just like when Otousan showed me.”
Otousan was leaning over him,
[Obligatory Japanese. x3]
Chapter 5: The True Nekoken Training
where the bald martial artist poured himself a glass of cold sake.
[When you say 'cold', I think 'at least somewhat chilled' instead of 'approximately room temperature', which is what you state later. For consistency, I'd say something about pouring straight sake and note that he normally drinks it hot.]
“Then what happened, anata?”
if not for the slow, rhythmic rise and fall of his chest.
[To emphasize the 'not right' of his status, I'd describe it as 'mechanical' instead of the more peaceful 'rhythmic'.]
but the budding chef
[Or 'not so budding' given the present circumstances and status.]
“I don’t want to go back into the pit, Otousan,”
“Is it over, Otousan?”
[Obligatory Japanese. x2]
Now it is time to learn how to do so.”
[Not just any time, but _the_ time. I think the article would emphasize this.]
and wait with Okaasan?”
It’s almost over,” became Ranma’s mental mantra,
[He's not speaking it, therefore the single instead of double quote mark belongs.]
its prey did not recognize his place.
[To maintain continuity, 'its' belongs where the 'his' precedes 'place'.]
I hope everyone likes how I portrayed the true Nekoken training, but if not, review and tell me about it.
[You certainly took it in your own direction, and I'll give you points for that. However, it fails to hold the same comic energy that the canon Nekoken had, and it also fails to even touch on the darkness that I think the Nekoken would realistically make – though the only story that I think ever gives the Nekoken its proper dark credit is “The Broken Stallion” which overexhausted the audience emotional attachment. It's a fine line to walk, and with all of the other material to deal with in the Ranmaverse, I'd favor skipping the event where possible and moving on to the wide array of other things to be done.]
Besides the unnecessary Japanese, I think the story was well done. Though there's quite a margin from the story to canon, your story went back pretty far and at each point the deviation is small and sensible, coming out to something that feels familiar but is at the same time reads original. I thought the Nekoken received more focus than it should have – there's plenty of other things that I'm waiting for, like Ranma's journey to Xianquing and the acquisition of his curse, and how he's going to deal with it now that instead of it being his father's folly, it's clan duty.
God bless and happy writing,
| The Insane Hiker chapter 6 . 5/14/2008
Question: Aside from Ranma possibly getting a sibling since Genma is visiting Nodoka about once a year, since Nodoka's last name is Kino does that mean that Makoto Kino might be a cousin who moves in with Nodoka after her parents die.
| Tribun chapter 6 . 4/28/2008
After reading all of it, I'm happy that I found it.
Your universe is very interesting.
-Genma is quite different from his canon self, in that he actually takes his responsibility serious. While I can still see some of his not-so-great character traits, he is much more deserving of being respected (and I think here Ranma DOES respect him).
-A nice move with Ukyo, also showing that Genma won't be tempted with the engagement scam. With being around, I bet Ranma will turn out much more normal. Having a friend and not getting alienanted from girls can be only good for him.
-So do you plan for the martial artists to have seven moths in a year training trip, and the remaining three months being a t home? It would be the best way to get the best of both.
-Any plans for Genma accidently getting his wife pregnant? Ranma could use a sibling.
-Ok, since Ranma most likely will recieve his canon curse (namely girl, otherwise a big element is lost) this will surely open up some issues. While his mom won't hold it against him (after all she is cursed herself), it will sure be a huge blow to his self-understanding. I think after that they will return home as fast as possible to help Ranma to feel better.
-So while the Satomes are quite different, will things in Nerima still develop mostly according to canon? (only maybe Nodoka is notified of Mrs. Tendo's early death and they try to help a bit).
Hope the next is out soon.
| Deus-Ex-Machina chapter 6 . 4/25/2008
good story so far, and I look forward to seeing where it goes.
| Dan chapter 6 . 4/25/2008
Man, all these great new works these days. This is a really good one. Interesting premise, excellent follow through, and wonderful writing. I look forward to future contributions.
| phoenix.ru chapter 6 . 4/25/2008
a nice one!
| phoenix.ru chapter 5 . 4/25/2008
An interesting turn of events
| ajmukon chapter 6 . 4/24/2008
when will Rmana get his "curse" and, will it still be nyaniuchan?(sp?)
looking forward to updates!
| Lightspire chapter 6 . 4/24/2008
...Wow. This story is really good. The true nekoken training was well done, and well handled. I'm glad you didn't make it very dark. This doesn't sem like it's that dark of a story. I love how you've taken the characters and made them your own. I hope to read more, soon.
| Anttolas chapter 6 . 4/24/2008
i found it iteresting i just read this story from th beggining and just wanted to ask if i missed do you have any special pairings for this story i would want it to be ranma nabiki but it is up to you if can i hope you will send me a reply and i will be waiting for the next chapter:)
| hmr chapter 6 . 4/24/2008
Pretty good fic! Its developed nicely. More please! Keep writing and update soon!
| Nysk chapter 6 . 4/24/2008
Excellent story and i am glad to see an update.
I like the way you portrayed the Neko-ken and the answer to its madness.. I do wonder how this will affect things