|Reviews for Defending|
| Saggit chapter 9 . 7/24/2011
Thanks for returning, if only to tell us that your next chapter will appear in the Smithsonian at that unannounced future date and time.
-Actually, such things happen, and I really *do* appreciate that you came back to let us know the status of Defending. I've just pulled up Castle Terribel, and will begin to read it shortly. If it's up to your usual level of skill, I'm sure it will be wonderful parody.
| Phantom Dennis chapter 4 . 4/20/2011
A good mix of action and humor here. I don''t understand why Mint is listed as the main character, when he's at best a minor character in Avenging. I guess it was amistake that's not easy to correct.
| Phantom Dennis chapter 3 . 4/20/2011
"The universe might be a cruel, indifferent place," said Hikaru, "but sometimes you get to hit someone deserving with a blunt object, and that makes everything all right."
| David Dee chapter 8 . 1/4/2011
I have two things to do-first, an apology, as I will almost certainly not be finishing this story-as you are all doubtless aware, given the great length of time that's elapsed. I lost my connection with narrative a few years back, and any effort to regain it is stymied by the fact that I lost the draft to chapter 10.
That stated, for those who enjoy my brand of oddness, I have a serial I've been writing for nearly a year now called "Castle Terribel". Give it a try, if you desire. I hope you'll like it.
| Ludra90 chapter 9 . 12/8/2010
Yay! I managed to be the 100th reviewer of the story! What am I winning? XDXD
Aww, I can't believe this fanfic ends up incomplete... it has the potential of becoming a true masterpiece! But given the last update has been 5 years ago, I don't think I will ever read an eventual chapter 10... I really hope I'm wrong, though... :)
Nonetheless, the latter chapters have been really beautiful! I liked to see the constant evolving of the relationship between the "forced" members of the hero squad!
This chapter introduced Ran from Urusei yatsura, another character that I dig on to! Tragically hilarious the similar yet different childhood problems she had with Lum!
You really have a knack with describing fight scenes! You maintain the tension and funny gags' balance quite perfectly!
In the end, another adventure Hikaru and the others won and ended up spending relaxing at home!
I found heart-warming the scene with Doc. Strange telling Lum she's one of them! :)
So Inu-yasha, looks like Kagome is not exactly your dream girl either, huh? XDXD
Well, David, my deepest congratulations for the story you had be able to ideate, like someone already said, even better of "Avengers", that I read long ago!
I hope to see more of your works, otherwise... good job nonetheless, pal! XD
| Ludra90 chapter 6 . 12/8/2010
About a week ago I found this fanfiction by chance on the net... What a fluke!
I have to admit, It's been a long while since I found a story of this caliber around the site!
Seriously, dude, I was amazed of the huge quantity of anime/comics character you've put in your chapters, saving the leading starring role for just a small bunch of them!
Nice, funny, intriguing plot as well! It's like you ideated a new, great universe using original characters as its inhabitants!
I love it! And I love this chaptrer 6 in particular! Why?
Obviously because I'm a huge fan of Lum from Urusei yatsura and her introduction in this new universe has been very awesome!
Being used to fanfictions showing her soft, gentle and inncent personalities, I have to say I loved seeing her in this wild, arrogant, proud, childish and clumsy character!
I liked the fight of the... uhm... "tag massacre" the best! Sure she's strong!
In the end she ended up living in her winning opponents home as a nuisance like the original series! Cool! I wonder if she’s ever will meet Ataru in one of the following chapters, since he briefly appeared and since I don’t think she’s gonna win Inu-yasha away from Kagome! XDXD
So, fantastic fanfiction so far! I can't wait to read the other chapters!
| Saggit chapter 1 . 9/10/2010
"I recognized the 'Don't Leave Me Alone Daisy' reference to my eternal regret..."
Gullwhacker, unless I'm much mistaken, that's a reference to The Great Gatsby.
And I agree: I keep checking back to see if this story has been updated.
| Ganheim chapter 9 . 11/23/2009
love for fuel-efficiency?"
[Not necessarily. From a lack of pre-established machining, parking spaces and road transit mechanisms that bigger vehicles require – you’d be surprised the components. Or bored.]
"Well, then I say we can hurl as many cars in pursuit of this noble and holy goal as we deem fit!"
[I’d figure this more from Lum than Nadia, she’s usually spouting ‘my cause is holy’ while beating people up. From what I understand in your story]
is a ruthless Nietschean
[Or Thomas Hobbes, depending on how you take his stance of self-interested materialism]
among you are blessed
[The ‘are’ seems unnecessary in the flow of the sentence]
It’d be like the Fantas—“
“DO NOT MENTION THEIR NAME!”
That’s their version of a goodwill gift? What’s a badwill gift? A cholera epidemic?”
You should feel lucky—I’m an iconoclast. Now, if I were a traditionalist, like the Ancient One, you would be smothered in clichés until you felt like you worked for a greeting card company
like I your criticism counts
[like your criticism]
Why are you such a bitter man?”
“Life hates me,” he answered, “so I hate it back in return.”
[It’s a coping mechanism that lots of people use]
“Let me thin—
You’re a total control freak.”
Hikaru crossed his arms. “I am not.”
Haruka walked back to the table. “Hey, Doc. Want a refill?”
“Fill only half the cup
“Also, make sure you’re dealing with reputable dealers
[His parents are giving him advice on drug dealers. What would a person say to that?]
You scare me sometimes," she stated honestly.
"That's only the initial impression. When you really get to know me, you'll be terrified."
and make sure the chains on your door on secure…”
[Creepy, and yet strangely follows the rather chaotic pattern of the story]
at him unfortunate
She yanked him forward and looked desperately in the eye. “Details! I need details!”
[Either Lum’s bipolar, or has ADHD]
I’ll have you know I have muscles like steel wires.”
“Well, you got the ‘wire’ part right,”
and punch the pink
“Is it right to sympathize with the bad guy?” asked Nadia in sotto.
[The formatting emphasis seems a tad odd to me, but the sentiment fit]
For defeating the Princess Lum in the Imperial Spelling Bee, Ran the Halfblood shall receive—the Imperial Medal for Scholastic Excellence! And then, five days of agony."
I'll fall the same trick
Security is down—30!”
[Was there supposed to be a percent or unit following these]
You sure know how to sweep a girl off her feet, Hikaru."
"I just have never managed to work up sufficient leverage."
their energy's striking
Anything additions I make
This story was exceedingly funny and, except for Gosinkugi’s almost suspiciously remarkable self-confidence in the beginning, had fairly good characterization. The sarcasm didn’t let up and the chapters remained funny all the way through. It’s just a pity that you’re not writing anymore.
| Ganheim chapter 8 . 11/23/2009
Sometimes the way of subtlety requires us to travel through the magical valleys of excess and overkill."
the Hulk’s might form
Cracker of the the Ctarl-
As odd as it might seem, he’d almost overlooked the ten foot green lunk.
[He was kind of the elephant in the room]
to place your planet in our desired path for the Raceway, so we are going to have to demolish it…"
[Where’s Marvin the Martian?]
reasons she didd this
With the grace of a master warrior, Lum dodged what blows she could, and cagily absorbed those she couldn’t.
[Simple, yet well portrayed]
seeming to grown incorporeal
But you have to marry me!"
If the expression on Inu-Yasha’s face had been photographed, it could have been used in the dictionary next to ‘horror’.
[I think we’ve seen that a few times, but it’s classic enough to last a lifetime]
If you ever want some—hands on training…"
"Statutory," coughed Onizuka.
"Come by in a few years," she finished sourly.
[Wouldn’t this be Miroku being a comic moron?]
"And I thought you two were reckless drunks," answered Hikaru. "We were both right,
"We’ve reached an understanding," she said slowly. "I’ve understood all I want to, and now I’m not listening."
You just have to find words that nobody uses, and use them.
[Not so – you can confuse people with common words, just use polysyllabics and that gets most people even if they know what the words mean]
Particley cause it
our superheroy allies
for the House that Satan Built,
[Does this mean Inuyasha’s senseless alter-name has been changed?]
an act for which I personally feel he should win the Nobel Peace Prize."
[It’s meaningless enough that this would qualify it]
[I believe it’s “Tatewaki”]
burned with 50 more
[QuickEdit eats percentage signs, you’ll have to write it out to keep it in]
But I hate him for what he did to his own daughter.
[Many arms dealers nowadays sell their daughters in marriage agreements to bind contracts…which typically end up broken in blood anyway]
Miroku whimpered. Nadia patted him on the back. Miroku's hand grasped hers. She put him in an armlock. Miroku's hand released her.
Or did some chance wallet merely happen to disgorge you in this neck of the woods?"
"Trying to be clever, Gosunkugi?"
"He's always trying," said Nadia. "Sometimes, he's succeeding."
Where do you find these people, Gosunkugi?"
"Bus terminals are, I find, an excellent source,"
"Well, well—cherchez le femme…"
This evil, icky ball of ick had tried to destroy the world! And even worse—I think Inu-Yasha likes her…
[I was curious as to what angle you were taking: it seemed like a very early-series Kagome who hadn’t yet formed any real attachment to Inuyasha or she would’ve been enraged a few times before]
Or the nation of Nadia! Those are the nations that count! Not these silly artificial constructs decided by mountains, bodies of water, and diplomats! And when people realize that, world peace will follow!" Hikaru took a deep breath. Nadia gave him a few sardonic claps.
[He’s forgotten the one guaranteed method to world peace: kill everyone]
the important thing is tonight I'm going to reveal to Akane Tendou the burning passion she inspires in me."
"I believe there are laws against that," noted Nadia.
I dedicated my life to admiring her from afar."
"And now it's disturbing," she sighed.
the way you're forever trying to get him to yourself." Nadia stared at her horrified. "You're planning a coup," said Lum satisfiedly.
[Given the description of her autocratic background, I suppose this makes sense]
have you hear news
No honorable warrior hides from acclaim."
[Actually, the Buddhist idea of modesty did seep into the warrior code in Japan. Modesty is a highly regarded virtue – not to say that there aren’t still abuses]
guys like you.?"
[I see extra punctuation]
if people knew what he taught about the gods, they wouldn't just consider atheism, they'd demand it."
[An understandable stance for Gosinkugi]
You're having a meeting so you can vote about where to hold meetings?"
"Come on guys!" shouted the alien princess. "It's only sixty-seven! We can take them!"
[Well, at least she’s consistently gung-ho]
Her fists were quickly surrounded with glowing nimbuses of light.
"Still it's nice to
[Isn’t there usually a comma after ‘Still’?]
struck her bonds causing
[Missing comma after ‘bonds’]
have I ever told you guys how much I appreciate you guys? I'd be lost without my comic foils."
man in a gree robe
more time Hikaru
Kill them all, and let God sort them out, that's my motto." The Cowl spread his arms gracefully. "Do realize a bishop said that?
[I’m pretty sure Arnaud Amalric was a monk, but either way…]
Miroku's generally does worse
I wuv my widdle darling, yes I do!"
Inu-Yasha glared at her. "Let go of my face, or I'll chop off yer hand."
[Yes, that’s him]
smash you utterly you ever tried
[_if_ you ever?]
No, I said, 'don't tell us about the Masters of Evil'. That's a complete sentence. If I'd just said 'Masters of Evil' it would have been sentence fragment."
Maron glanced at him. "Has anyone ever told you you're an
stared at them stunned
do you the Controller's
"That's the spirit, Hellcat," said Hikaru. "We'll make an embittered outcast of you yet."
[Well, he is bitter when he’s not being smarmy and annihilating demon overlords]
He began to pour the drink down Kontsu's throat.
[There’s some implication that he forces it down by using ‘throat’, ‘mouth’ could imply that he just uses a ‘convenient opening’, but both aren’t explicit in what happens]
"He's the Black Knight.
[Like “it’s just a flesh wound”?]
Well, I see how they conquered most of the universe. They're so annoying, you just surrender in the blind hope the hurting will stop."
"So I'm making progress?" asked Lum eagerly.
I must have been seeing things that weren't there."
"They make medication for that," noted Hikaru.
He threw Hikaru an odd salute. "Be seeing you."
[He forgot ‘Number Seven’]
Very good targers
holding Tetsaida in the
[You’ve misspelled it different ways before. If you’re not going to use a conventional spelling, at least be consistent]
I think they capture the vital anomie of the modern urbanite…"
[I’m not sure if I agree, but it’s a comically unusual thing for a supervillain to talk about]
gave an wordless
Tell us your all
I could of been
I could of—
"Pwepaw to day!" The ceiling above the villain suddenly gave way. "Oh, shid,"
[Not particularly unexpected, but funny]
| Ganheim chapter 4 . 11/23/2009
Zen Buddhism. Mishima novels. Hordes of salarymen. Attempting to seize large portions of Asia."
[Zen Buddhism grew out of China (actually, a Pallava Indian prince), salarymen are an affect of post-industrialization, and pretty much every major power (China, Mongolia, Persia, USSR…) has tried to seize most of Asia]
A belief in quack medicine…."
[Vast portions imported from China]
four or more is a team."
[I thought it went ‘quartlet’?]
So your ultimate weapon is just like your normal weapon, only less accurate, and with a shorter range."
[This reminds me of conversations I’ve overheard of FPS fans]
Three of the worst criminal geniuses the world has ever seen!"
"Seems fitting," noted Hikaru. "Wouldn't want you to be out of your league…"
how can I refuse."
[Interrogative missing its question mark]
And what do you mean 'God-given'? We both know Mom had us genetically engineered to be like this…"
wasa surprisingly normal
Every day he went to school, he counted himself lucky if he escaped all notice.
[He seemed to casually not care last time]
"That's a tachi. Not a katana."
[At least a distinction is made]
Inu-Yasha whimpered. "One time, me and Kik—"
Kagome coughed severely.
Inu-Yasha hung his head.
[ Points 1]
even if seeing it possessed by an individual who'd gladly knife him in the back and then sell his organs, if he thought it worthwhile was less than comforting.
[I found the phrasing/sentence structure here to be a little awkward]
You mastermind types seem to have about four or five ideas for names that you swap around…"
[Those that have to think of a secret cover-name tend to. With the Intellectual Property rights narrowing down the list, it must be pretty hard sometimes]
"I see your strategic ability remains as negligible as ever," noted Oddball.
[Yep, Inuyasha’s pretty pathetic that way. Not quite ready to take on Lelouch ‘Lamperouge’ yet]
powder that was making blink
informed of it, by someone
[The comma seems superfluous]
that your not the
"It seems we are at something of an impasse," noted the Cowl. "Both of us cannot use our most potent weapons on each other. This warrants a less—cerebral approach."
I shall unleash a mighty power that I keep hidden within me by a simple length of cloth…"
Slyde immediately shrieked and covered her eyes. "Ahh! My delicate young eyes are not ready for this sight. I'm a frail, unblemished virgin."
Miroku blinked. "I'll just—take off my gauntlet…"
[So, no sealing beads? They weren’t exactly locked to the bracer]
Thanks to her friction reducing powers, Slyde hit the wall before
[Wouldn’t she be able to increase resistance as well as reduce?]
Now, you're badly off-balance.
[It looks like Gosinkugi is learning to monologue as well as prepare]
They never told you in great detail things they knew they weren't going to do because you were going to be reasonable,
[Naraku, for starters? I know he’s an amalgamation, but he’s still largely youkai]
"That's walnut," the supervillain corrected weakly.
[While he’s being beaten, what irony]
"And I've got an acquaintance at my therapy meetings
[Why does this remind me of Pinky & the Brain? “Why do I hurt the people I…tolerate?]
trust his judgement
"Ahh, yes, an eternity as an immobile organ that has to be hooked up to machines in order to use even rudimentary versions of the senses
[Supposedly, ki senses should continue to function and with developments in cybernetics that wouldn’t be a weak body to be put into. Ghost in the Shell pretty nicely demonstrates that]
"There's a usual routine?"
"Yep," said Kei. "We go in and wind up firing at the usually bulletproof monster. When we run out of bullets, Yuri usually winds up throwing her gun at it, apparently under the impression that if a large number of accurate speedy projectiles don't do the job, one clumsily thrown slow projectile will."
Her skin was a dusky brown—her hair was a very dark shade of black. She was slender, but the feel of the muscles under the skin suggested she lacked nothing for strength.
[Concise and somehow both clear and slightly ambiguous]
Chapter 5—"Never Met a Girl Like You Before"
"I see." Miroku nodded. There was an awkward silence. "So—what were they like?"
[So much like Miroku]
If you hit anything just hard enough and in the right spot, it’ll shatter…"
[Or bulge and explode. #11]
"Psychometry," replied Hikaru. "Inu-Yasha tried to pick up as scent—now I am scanning the area for psychic residue.
[ This is a power that makes quite a bit of sense for somebody with psychic training]
He had no idea why he’d thought she was so amazingly attractive.
[She wasn’t threatening him at the moment?]
different footing." "Sounds
I know your language, and though it sounds idiotic, I know it isn’t my language, but I don’t know how I know that,
[Unusual way of putting it, though I’ve heard the sentiment before]
She yamked off the cover
Instead of a sadistic maniac, you are merely a slightly vicious neurotic."
[What a curse…]
"My parents trust me with weapons-grade plutonium," said Hikaru ruefully.
[I want to see this. If Snake (Guardian) can pull a minigun from a coat pocket, I want to see Gosinkugi with tactical nuclear weaponry. Even if it terrifies him…]
"I’m not going to read her mind to verify her story."
[He can? I’d think that’s a specialized skill that he likely wouldn’t even have the Talent for]
"So your God on a shoestring budget?"
they are tailors a profession
not exactly known for flamboyant evil. Still, I hear one of them has gone into public relations, so per haps there is hope."
the fact you used the word ‘patronizing’ will cut down on my condescending."
"What if I use the word ‘hemorrhage’?" asked Nadia.
"It almost vanishes."
Nadia glanced at Kagome and Inu-Yasha. "Is he always like this?"
"Sometimes he’s worse," answered Inu-Yasha.
Except f or the
"So the Circus of Crime is behind this!"
[That can never bode well. Who would want to be called the circus?]
Inu-Yasha tumbled backward, leaving several large craters in the pavement.
[Doesn’t he generally cut a furrow into the earth? Several craters implies significant bounce]
my mind is hermetically sealed
who she had clutched
"I shouldn’t be doing that, should I?"
[I think it would’ve been funnier if she said ‘oh’ and resumed beating]
know your named
inform h is employers
neither you or the
The arsenic adds just the right touch of piquancy. It makes me glad I developed a tolerance for it." Grandis slapped her forehead.
and he’d escaped using a bottle of soda and a plastic whistle.
[Reminds me of ‘Suung’, a sociopathic genius]
make sense to again eventually.
and as that situation was unavoidable for him, it was only more bitter.
[He ought to learn the Shi Shi Houkoudan]
"I’ve got two actually," said Hikaru, "and seeing as the first one involves a bathtub full of champagne, a violinist, and a bottle of sherry, we’re probably going to have to go with the second one."
Nadia blinked. "Are you sure about that? Because I’m definitely intrigued."
children of the Rager
[Not more simply ‘of rage’?]
"To harass those whose crime is not conforming to society’s preconceived notions of what’s an acceptable appearance?
[He sounds like a fair cultural anthropologist]
"I’d probably just maraud a bit," said Nadia. "Maybe run a little amok."
"Oh, now you’re just quibbling,"
I am a virtual paragon of virility!" A buzzer sounded in the kitchen. Hikaru clasped his hands together nervously. "My lemon squares!" He rushed back to the kitchen.
[Points for sudden distractions]
"Oh, touché," muttered Hikaru. "I suppose the same thing goes for what’s covering your midriff?"
Nadia glanced down at her outfit, a halter-top and a pair of shorts. "Oh, riposte,"
[Superhero costumes seem more to follow laws of anime than reality, don’t they?]
A CHALLENGE! One worthy of the might that is Lum! Also I want a box of thin mints."
[Does she have bipolar?]
"I sensed a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if a long-running comedy series cried out and was silenced."
"There is simply no appreciation for eloquence."
"With this bunch, discourse is lowered to a sub-troglodyte level."
"I’m filled with pathos," said Nadia grimly. "Or possibly bathos. It’s one of the the athos family."
[I love good linguistic play]
You know what you need?"
"A Japan that fully owns up to the atrocities of the past, and can no longer be swayed by the brutal, fascistic symbols of Empire,
[I sensed that, given his sarcastic tendencies, that this would be spoken in the form of a question and therefore should end in a question mark to clarify such]
You want to be oppressed, you totalitarian dogsbody, don’t you?" The passerby broke into a run. "That’s right!" shouted Hikaru. "Run from the truth!"
[Why can’t they ever talk about mud?]
Hikaru shook his head. "No, Goth depression is cultivated. Mine is free-range."
"Puny girl going to stop Hulk?"
Nadia punched him in the stomach. The gargantuan figure sailed through the air for several hundred feet before hitting the pavement and bouncing three times. "Yes," answered Nadia calmly.
Hikaru glanced at her. "I take back sixty percent of what I said about you."
Nadia frowned. "Only sixty percent?"
Hikaru shrugged. "I have to leave you something to work for."
"Eat it, greenie! Eat it!" shouted Onizuka bouncing the lamppost off the Hulk’s head and catching it on the rebound.
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 11/23/2009
One is the triumph of bowling fans in acts of mass destruction. Soccer fans—maybe,
[Italy and Britain will be pleased]
Hardstrike waved his fist. "You continue to mock our Stick and Balls!"
"Please stop," groaned Hikaru.
"Why do you dare suggest that there is something wrong with being proud of the marvelous sight that is our Stick and—"
"I will not allow that sentence to be completed,"
[The fact that they keep circling around the stupidity is hilarious]
Hey, Dr. Strange, was that the signal to attack?"
Hikaru's hand hit his forehead with an audible slap.
[Hey, Sakka, why’s your forehead all red?]
The other half cried. "They are sinking. Sinking is what they are doing."
"Throw your balls at them!" shouted Hardstrike.
"I did not need to hear that," muttered Hikaru.
[They need to figure out a way to fly – bowling balls seem to hurt more when they’re dropped on your toes than when thrown]
Kagome gulped. "Maybe it's a good guy…"
"That eats PEOPLE WHOLE?" screamed Hikaru.
"I was just accentuating the positive…" muttered Kagome.
[Ditzy, yet still comic I suppose]
IT promptly grabbed him, and threw him against the wall.
[Then proceeded to put him on hold for the next available representative]
Kagome’s expression was that of a little child who’s just discovered that Santa Claus isn’t real.
[Exasperation at years of moronic ‘adults’ insulting her intelligence?]
Kagome and Inu-Yasha both glanced at him surprised.
[Would Inuyasha be surprised by this, when he doubted him before?]
Some were terrifying, like when he started to perform a striptease
[You seem to have changed your mind a few times on what you want this character’s gender to be, because I see both masculine and feminine second-person pronouns in reference to “Ritschan”]
To the imbecilic bumblers it is my misfortune to call slaves’…"
"That’s his pet nickname for us,"
[That can’t be good]
The Devil Slayer smashed his weapon out of his hands. Malachite watched dully as it fell to the ground, then glanced back at Miroku. "Not in the face," he said weakly.
[Well, it’s not ‘Spoon’, but it still works. Given Gosinkugi’s initial self-confidence issues, I’d have expected a lot more of this sort of humour]
would you be the mother of my child?"
Ritschan's response was immediate. "I have mace," she stated calmly.
Miroku backed away. "Understood."
Miroku glanced at a large moving truck that was bringing office supplies into that new business that was opening up across the road. At midnight.
[Its’ just the expansion of the 24-hour business world…]
Chapter 3—"Friend of the Devil-Slayer"
We are the Emissaries of Evil, you fool!"
"Gosh," laughed the hero bashfully. "That was going to be my next guess! Boy, I'm bad at these things…"
"Because power tools just scream ancient Roman ritual warrior…"
[Is everybody in this story sarcastic? I approve]
These are my deranged stalkers, Hellcat and Son of Satan."
"Hey, she's the deranged one! I ain't got no choice about things!"
"Pleased to meet you!" stated Gou.
Rei slapped his forehead.
[I’m surprised this was the first time the gesture happened]
"Nabiki Tendou is prickly the way a knife is prickly. Not the way a hedgehog is prickly,
[And to think, I figured a sea urchin was going to get mention there]
Hikaru stared at her despairingly, and then held up his book. "Le Nausea, by Sartre," he replied.
[An existentialist book like that seems rather fitting to Gosinkugi]
"Fiancee!" blurted out Kagome.
[Where is Inuyasha during all of this? And why wouldn’t Hikaru just call her a stalker?]
Daisuke smiled. "Hello, I—"
"Please hold," said the voice.
[Why does that not surprise me?]
"we are a very busy business, sir. Our services are in constant demand by many people, often in high positions—lawyers, media moguls, politicians, celebrities, radio talk show hosts…"
It was nice to have just a touch of self-respect.
[That’s not ‘just a touch’]
Daisuke as said, wasn’t very bright.
[Or more simply ‘Daisuke wasn’t very bright’?]
"Then stop staring at Yurik Schaedenfreude von Angst and answer my question!" snarled Hikaru.
"Oh," smiled Kagome, "you even named him! How cute!"
[Most people just go by Teddy, if I understand the stereotype correctly]
The sight waiting for him when he reached the dining room was horrifying beyond all measure.
His parents enjoying a pleasant breakfast with Kagome and Inu-Yasha.
"—And that was when I emerged from the garbage can, sobbing in defeat and anguish," finished Toshiro matter-of-factly.
"Wow," said Kagome, putting down her orange-juice. "I didn't know that chess clubs could be so cruel."
Toshiro clenched his fists. "They were more beasts than men!"
[I think I’d be horrified to walk into a conversation like that as well]
they shouted oblivious.
[obliviously might sound better, but either way]
He was a emaciated
skin having the greyish of a preserved corpse
Why do realize that
Or a particle ray…?"
[The tiny things in Star Wars? Or the orbital satellites like C&C: Generals?]
"This is better than invisibility for most day-to-day things. Invisibility just means you can’t be seen—people still hear, smell and feel you. Traveling under the threshold of notice, you could walk through a crowd singing at the top of your lungs, eating Limburger cheese, and jostling people as you went, and as long as you didn’t stay in one place to long, or tried to pick a fight with someone, no one would notice you. The Ancient One said I had a knack for it."
[Strangely enough, that would be a skill. I just don’t think the ‘singing at the top of the lungs’ bit fits]
Nabiki shrugged. "I make a few thousand yen a week…"
"Is that before or after taxes?" asked Miroku.
"Well, I don’t list it, as it is more or less disposable in—" Nabiki paused and then shook her head. "Look, I’d love to compare notes with you, but we’ve got bigger problems…"
[Miroku and Nabiki seem to be getting along curiously well. I wonder if they’ll run into each other again]
"I like this street," said Hikaru. "I like it being here. I’m silly and emotional that way."
There were times he thought the world had gone mad. And there were times he knew.
[Sounds like Ambrose Bierce]
Miroku glanced at him. "You carry aspirin with you?"
"I find it necessary," replied Hikaru.
[With the Kagome you’ve got here, he would]
"All right," said Hiroshi,
[Hiroshi? The words indicate that they’re spoken by ‘Ghost’]
He made a unexpected
"I can to aim worth
[too, I believe]
"You first. I insist."
[It’s funny how rarely heroes will use this to respond to the battlecry ‘die’]
"I’ll just dematerialize,
I say we finish this fight man to man, following the ancient tradition handed down to us by our ancestors, who probably knew what they were doing, seeing as so many of them died."
Daisuke blinked. He was having problems following that last bit. "What’s that?"
He gestured at the frowning Hikaru, then blinked in surprise. "Strange—you don’t have any happiness for Senbei to diminish…"
[Dunno, Hikaru’s had plenty of stomping the demonic guys and he seems supremely self-confident]
I didn’t know you carried dynamite."
Hikaru shrugged. "I like to be prepared."
[Well, that should be interesting]
that was a gift from Commodious! The evilest emperor of Rome!"
[That wouldn’t be Nero, for his autocratic, extravagant rule?]
it was a less move,
"Plus you’re one of those annoying nature spirit type demons. My daughter and I are pure extraplanar evil!"
[Funny to see a ‘western-type’ demon throw this at Inuyasha]
"No fair! You attacked me during my monologue! No one ever does that!"
"I don’t see how anyone could resist the impulse…"
"The universe might be a cruel, indifferent place," said Hikaru, "but sometimes you get to hit someone deserving with a blunt object, and that makes everything all right."
[Must make Akane feel better. And Ukyo. And Ryouga. And…]
I’m very grateful for your gracious hospitality."
"Don’t be. It was insincere. I’m actually hoping you’re hideously uncomfortable here, in retribution for your horrible imposition."
if he tries anything—fresh
[Wouldn’t an ellipsis for showing an unvoiced space instead of a hyphen showing an abrupt change?]
Mara is owned by Yusuke Fujishima, Ritsuko Fuchuu and Akamatsu Industries Limited (which should have been mentioned last chapter) are from Betterman and thus the property of whoever created that show.
[ Will have to look those up…]
do I know you? You know—when you're not dressed up in gaudy outfits fighting crime?"
"Review that question, and you'll see why I'm not answering it…" said Hikaru.
"You see, ours isn't the only bubble. There are others, which—well, to mix metaphors, are set to different wavelengths…" He brought the bubbles towards each other. "Each bubble follows its own timeline. While the majority of them are completely different from each other, each bubble has a surprisingly large number of—siblings, perhaps? Bubbles that have a great deal of resemblance. Close enough—" He smashed the two bubbles together. "That if brought together, they won't automatically cancel each other out." A large bubble nested in the palms of Hikaru's hands, vibrating rather wildly.
[That’s a pretty simple, clear way of putting it. I use radio or magnetic fields, though I’m usually using it to refer to ki fields, which could be thought of in similar esoteric terms]
before we—were distracted."
[The extended hyphen tends to indicate an abrupt change, rather than a sort of ‘trailing off space’ which is generally indicated by an ellipsis]
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/23/2009
Care to try your luck, then?" she stated, cracking her knuckles.
[I’m confused – Nabiki has shown the least willingness to associate with martial arts. She very well may have learned something, but she very clearly prefers her mind over her muscle. The first chapter of “Avenging” doesn’t even mention Nabiki (I know it does later, but that’s not something the story really gets into for a few chapters and I started on this first), so there’s no variation from canon that the audience has been informed of. Just a sentence that has Gosinkugi recalling Nabiki’s now the big scary martial artist would be helpful]
only a real heel would hit a woman;
[Nabiki just beat up a thug, this outdated concept doesn’t apply to people who are obviously ready to stand up for themselves instead of being virtual doormats. Besides being manipulative scumbags like Nabiki]
even if she was a master of the martial arts.
[When did this happen?]
St. Elmo’s fire on the ocean, the pyramids of Egypt, the great snakes of South America—and once in England, I saw a man with three buttocks.
[And now, for something completely different]
floor his demeanor
[Missing comma after ‘floor’]
to reacquaint himself with his old childhood friend, the floor.
[Better than other friends like fists]
mental review Hikaru
[Missing comma after ‘review’]
"Dormammu is the ancient ruler of the Dark Dimension, a hellish being of immense power, knowledge, and guile."
Hikaru sighed. "And yet he chooses to go by the name Dormammu."
"Do not mock!"
"The first wall of wards," replied the Ancient One calmly. There was another torrent of sound. "And that was the second." The Ancient One nodded slightly. "Mordu is certainly making good time."
[“We’re lost but we’re making good time”]
All he had to do was find some spell for dealing with hands of Dormammu, or something to that effect. The spell on the page the book opened on read, 'For the Destruction of Servants of the Dark Lords.'
Hikaru nodded. That seemed about right.
whose claw jerked away, and then began to crumble, like a stale cracker that's had the slightest bit of pressure applied to it.
[Clear and simple image]
Hikaru wheedlingly an action
[Missing comma after ‘wheedlingly’]
Finally, all that remained was a tiny jewel shard, glowing dully.
[Pink to maroon in color, comes in a set of 558, forms a sphere referred to according to the Buddhist teachings of the components of the soul]
You're attributes are
Will you rise to your world's defense, or damn it to perdition?"
Hikaru gave a deep sigh. "There is no way I can answer 'no' after that buildup and not be a jerk, is there?
The Ancient One beamed. "So you accept?"
Hikaru shrugged. "Well, I don't think I had that long a life expectancy anyway."
even that way not
The woman a long
Naraku frowned. "I will have to begin my secondary plan then…"
Kikyo nodded. "And then your tertiary plan, and then your quadriary plan, and then your quintery plan…"
[One wonders why evil overlords don’t just set multiple plans into action at once. Maybe they haven’t read Peter Anaspach?]
There’s ALWAYS a need to try something heroic!
[I wonder if she realizes how corny that sounds]
while a samurai sword hung at his side.
[I think that specifying the weapon would be nice – ‘samurai sword’ means little more than ‘sword’ and could include anything from the chokuto to a zanbatou]
the wall behind him exploded, ... Finally, Kagome coughed slightly. "Oops."
Inu-Yasha glanced at her oddly. "That sort of thing never used to bother you."
"I never used to worry about getting sued."
[Lampshading “The Incredibles” (which was very well done, by the way)?]
Lawyers. You mentioned them once..." He scratched his chin. "Don’t they suck blood, or somethin’?"
Kagome blinked, then thought it over. "More or less."
they have to make it happen by accident."
[Or you just make it look like an accident]
It's the way of the superhero, who strongly respects life enough to bludgeon people into unconsciousness, instead of simply killing them."
there are none so blind as those who will not see…"
Hikaru coughed. "Except of course, the—you know—actually blind…"
"I was speaking metaphorically—"
Hikaru glanced at him, worried. "I thought that, at first, but then I figured the Ancient One would be much too wise, and sensitive to make comments about a genuine handicap, for the purposes of saying an aphorism that sounds like it came out of greeting card, or a fortune cookie."
A talisman that will allow you to see into the souls of men—and further!"
[But only down to a depth of half a meter, after that its water resistance fails]
Despite himself, a grin broke out on Hikaru’s face.
A few feet away, a child burst into tears. Her mother comforted her. "Don’t worry dear. The scary monster man won’t hurt you…"
out some pain.
[Missing closing dialog punctuation]
Inu-Yasha’s expression hinted at disbelief, in the same manner that explosions hint of bombs.
I don’t know if clowns who steal things count as supervillains…"
Kagome stared at him angrily. "Yes they do! They have cool nicknames!"
Kagome immediately turned. "Kilala!" She scooped up the small white cat with black patches (whose tail,
You're such a good kitty! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"
[Reminds me of “How the Mighty…” Do we get to hear Kirara bitterly complaining internally about being spoken of to like this?]
No he was sure
Now he looked like a Taoist pimp who was going to commit a mugging, on his way to a costume ball.
ITS initial impulse
"I was using "discovered" in the classical sense—‘noticed by someone of European descent’."
The Expositions were a big family in SHIELD—one encountered them everywhere—and everywhere they were the same didactic, pontificating blabbermouths who were always willing to talk your ears off. Still, every now and then, there was a bit of vital information hid away among all the hot air.
Not even they had imagined that this trouble might take the form of being pulled into an alleyway by a creature that looked like a combination of spider, an octopus, and bit of rotting food that'd been in the refrigerator far too long, but this was mostly due to a lack of imagination on their parts.
He needed something vaguely authoritarian, but snappy. The lighter side of fascism, more or less. And of course, it had to be mystical. Shaman? Too vague. Brother Voodoo? Much too silly.
I AM HE-WHO-DWELLS-IN-DARKNESS.
Hikaru chuckled slightly. "You must pay a small fortune for monograms."
Nope, got to get this one done quickly. I think I’ll just enter your dimension, and engage you into a struggle to the death."
NOO! YOU CAN’T! I—I’VE GOT A COLD! AND I’M NOT DRESSED!
The universe, he felt, was an unjustifiably silly place, sometimes.
[Hikaru’s never even been to Camelot]
cried Jinnai, menacingly waving his gun around.
"Right," said Hikaru in the calm cool tone that is generally used by men of extraordinary patience on children of remarkable intransigence.
"The way of the warrior is a far greater weapon than your pitiful technology,"
A HYDRA agent shot him in the arm.
"Hand over the U-ray," said Sagittarius in a dark whisper, "and when the Zodiac rules over all the—"
A large truck pulled in behind them, toppling over the helicopter.
[I didn’t think you’d be able to keep it up and still make it funny, but you’ve exceeded my expectations]
"An intriguing plot," said Gemini. "Do you plan to involve robots in it?"
"No," said Hardstrike. "That would be silly."
This point apparently so mortified Cross, that he died.
If I cannot perfect my skills, then I am not worthy of my magnificent Stick and Balls."
There was an awkward silence.
[So they stopped arguing over the silly names?]
Hikaru heard the sound of something hurtling through the air at great speed. He took a step to the right. And then two more, just to stay on the safe side.
[Funny how heroes so rarely do this. Evil minions, too]
that Shinken shard in
[Isn’t it ‘Shikon’?]
Hikaru shut his eyes. "You seem very sure of yourself for a man covered in scorpions."
[For a boy as supposedly inept and unsure of himself, Hikaru seems to be walking all over everybody else like a Marty Stue. It’s not necessarily this one incident, but that he’s triumphed – easily – over every single opponent, and it’s his first day back. His sarcasm I enjoy, but he seems so extremely self-confident that it just seems like too much a change from his previous personality – the powerup I could believe, but not so much his confidence]
"Nobody plays with my mind."
"Is that an issue of principles, or do they just have problems finding it?" asked Hikaru.
while I’ve no doubt it’s a fascinating experience to be skewered by a gigantic blade, I’m going to have to pass on it. My deepest regrets."
[With the level of confidence and sardonism, I’d think that an original character might have been a better place than the fairly terminally pathetic Gosinkugi]
And ‘cause no ordinary man could grab Tetsaiga,
[‘Tetsusaiga’ or ‘Tessaiga’, depending on whether you think the ‘tsu’ furigana is full or half-size. Nobody’s sure, but it’s one of those two]
"He just made you think you were. Which makes it your fault."
[I don’t recall Kagome being this stupid for quite a while. Potentially during her first couple months in the Warring States Era, but not so much by the point that they’d come across Miroku, much less Sango and Kirara]
who can cast spells through magic arrows.
[She can do so bare-handed too, but she does
| AYH chapter 9 . 4/2/2009
You can't leave us with a cliffhanger! Please let us know about Nadia's mysterious past, Inuyasha's dreams with Kikyo, the identity of Crimson Cowl, we've got to know!
Great series and I can't wait to see more.
| erob chapter 1 . 3/18/2009
Man I have to say this is my all time favorite fic here I wish you could finsh it. I must have read this thing 12 times easy.
| Guile chapter 9 . 7/26/2008
A very entertaining read. A shame it seems to be discontinued.
This is quite likely the first time I've ever, and will ever, say this, but Hikaru Gosunkugi is a hoot. There's no shortage of snappy banter. It's a bit odd to see some of my favorite anime characters as iredeemable psychotics, but it's still a great fic none-the-less.