|Reviews for Drawn to the Flame|
| smfan chapter 9 . 7/17
Hello, just wanted to tell you I love this story If you don't plan on making a sequel, I was hoping maybe you'd let me make one and you can co-author it or beta it with me :)
| Bunnyfire chapter 9 . 12/16/2013
Great story :D.
| CatMuto chapter 9 . 12/21/2008
I'll be honest - I kinda got lost towards chapter 7 or 8.
It seems you had several ideas for this story and you tried to put them all in.
I kinda lost what the point of this story was. What was it?
Also, it was a bit hard to find out who was saying what since you sometimes only hinted ont it.
| kochan1 chapter 8 . 6/16/2005
Somehow I tend to think a Kunoichi like Ayane doesn't need an alarm clock to wake her - must be that soft German living. I was surprised she even managed to sleep considering what had been on her mind though.
Nice touch on the effect of the orange juice. I was getting a rather vivid picture in my head of Ayane drinking the juice straight from the carton, then wiping her mouth with her sleeve :D
Be careful with the tenses btw - with the 'time to kill' paragraph you swapped from one tense to another.
Also, I don't really see Ayane as looking to kill time reading junk mail either...especially if she already know it's useless. A little too contrived there perhaps?
She'd prob also notice the letter before she stepped on it, considering what her full time job happens to be. Might have been better to have her notice it that way?
With the letter, I can see how you worked the tension into the scene but here's where you could have done one of a few things:
1) 'She needed to leave. Now' Nice to italicise the 'Now' but I think it warrants getting it's own line. You'd be surprised how much more effect one word has when put on it's on.
2) Not mention the above sentence. You've already said it all in the following 2 paragraphs. Let the reader work out themselves that she's not returning.
3) Not even mention the letter. By the time this and the next chapter are done, the reader alreadys know what the gist of the letter was. However, the tension of not knowing what it said at first, but prompted Ayane to leave like she did can have everyone burning their brain to try to figure out what it said.
In short, the more you let the reader find out for themselves the better. Don't make it too cryptic or hard of course but people love to see that the author's appealing to their intelligence when they read.
We both know the mantra no? 'Show, don't tell.'
The dialogue in the next scene was good. Hitomi being talkative was fine though like I'm sure you decided, the less Ayane said the better (I'd have chopped the tail ends of her last two sentences off personally).
Under 10 adverbs for the chapter, not bad though could still be less. I have to mention one of them - 'Winningly'. This thing is shocking. Wouldn't EVER put it in ANY piece of writing. Million other ways to say what you need to say on that.
I didn't quite understand the bit with the lady yelling at the ticket counter. Was that meant to represent something? Perhaps it's just me.
Thing with the schedule turning over is a nice touch though you sure they don't use electronic boards? ;) J/K.
Almost there...one more to go.
P.S - How do you differ between Masculine and Feminine handwriting?
| Nemu chapter 9 . 6/11/2005
VERY VERY nice. I love it sis.
| Nemu chapter 8 . 6/11/2005
First of all - great title. O And the last sentence. NICE.
As I said in MSN just now, the conversation between Hitomi and Ayane just KICKS ARSE. It does. I love that bit. D Perfectly in character and nicely written.
Also, I really get the feel things are going to end soon. Nice work! *moves to next chapter quickly!*
| Nemu chapter 7 . 4/17/2005
Oh, I wonder if his memory is starting to return...
I love the tension between the three of them. XD Ayane is not THAT good with people, it seems?
| Unforgiven Wolf chapter 7 . 4/13/2005
Interesting little chapter regarding Ayane status and hitomi, it seems that they growing a rivalry quickly and in part a freindship as well.
Whatever happen to the meeting with Genra?
Anyway update soon
| Solaris Snape chapter 7 . 4/11/2005
I really do love your work sis. I know it's easy to stress over your grammer and punctuation. Trying to make it the perfect story, the perfect chapter...
I enjoy it even if you forget to put in that extra comma. You have what it takes to make it as a writer. Even the best of the best have other people to edit the little stuff. I don't think I have more than a handful of books on the shelf (out of hundereds) that are error free.
Update more often and don't be afraid of someone freaking out because you didn't capitalize something correctly. Just be the artist I know you are, and tell your story the way you want it told.
| kochan1 chapter 7 . 4/9/2005
Short chapter, short review.
You're getting good practice with the dialogue, that's good to see.
The chapters's got little gems of information here and there, like Hitomi becoming more transparent to Ayane as the tournament draws closer. Simple but effective :)
Something that I did notice with your descs though, specifically clothing: I think you're good enough to desc the characters out in line with their actions. Perhaps even use the opportunity to elaborate on a certain trait of a character.
Rather than 'telling' us that he's dressed in a Black T-shirt and aded Jeans, 'showing' us Hayate with his hands in the Pockets of his Faded Jeans (casual pose) or wearing the 'Aerosmith' shirt from the concert he went to some weeks before, that could work better.
Same thing with descing Ayane - A little too literal. Is there a reason for the detail on the clothes she's wearing? If not - shorten and have the bare essentials. Scrap anything unimportant. I wouldn't detail the whole thing out just to show she's got a costume on from DOAU (if that IS the case) unless there was a plot point.
Also, a little bit of atmosphere about the Thannos would have been nice. Apparently it's a Greek Restaurant? I know that but only because of inside information (A little birdy told me ;) ) A little Zorba's dance playing, pictures of Athens, Grapevines about pillars? Something...anything...:)
Oi - slackened up on the spelling and punctuation a bit again. Don't forget the basics hon!
Lastly, I think I missed the relevance of the comment about the people in the Thannos being free from cares ..and the reference to the magic. Was there something to do with Ayane?
Overall, a nice, sweet, short chapter. It does seem to be leading into something. I'm sure you won't keep us waiting long.
| Solaris Snape chapter 6 . 4/8/2005
You have always been a wonderful writer and will always continue to be. This is a great story. Very well written. Update soon and don't stress. Anyone who is into this story is already hooked. LOL just remember if they don't like it let them write it. Though from what I can see everyone loves it so far. Don't stress over the little things. A missed coma or the ocasional lowercase letter isn't what makes a story good. You and your wonderful imagination is what make it wonderful. I love knowing that after all these years you still write with a passion that the best of writers envy.
LOL and if you don't believe me that this one is good perhaps its time to re-read your reviews. So escape to your lighthouse and the right words will come to you eventually.
Life long sisters and friends,
| screamsuperhero chapter 6 . 3/25/2005
I love this so much! It's so awesomely great! I hope you update soon! And please make this a Ayane/Hayate. They deserve each other! :D
| Nemu chapter 6 . 3/9/2005
Of course they have the right to take his "new life" away from him! XD;
Ahem. Sorry. Complicated matters! Ohnoes~!
| Kalic Winter chapter 1 . 1/25/2005
I really like this sorry...but as usual no big shocker there LOL. You write some of the best stuff I've ever read. I just can't get enough. When you finally write a novel one of these days I BETTER get an autographed copy so I can have bragging rights LOL. I leave for basic training for the army in 7 days so when I come back you better have a lot of good stuff for me to read hehe. LOVE YA SIS! KEEP UP THE EVER SO EXCELLENT WORK!
Love Your Little Bro,
Kalic Winter aka James
| kochan1 chapter 6 . 1/20/2005
Oh lookee - what have I found here **... Took me 2 weeks to get around to dropping a review off where as you took no longer than a half day :D Doesn't seem fair does it.
Nevertheless, onto it **
Ooh..Club sene. Girls squirming in skimpy clothing to doof music...I like :D
The starting paragraph is solid, but could bemanipulated to bring the scene in hard. Feel free to slam Ayane about hearing wise. Have her blinded by the lights. Do this at the end of the descriptions though. And her wondering how anyone could think - that's a thought isn't it? ;)
Perhaps find a way to meld some sentences together as well? Yes, yes - I know I'm always the one telling you to shorten your sentences but instead of shortening 2 points. Take 2 points and meld into one. That can be more effective ** Example - Her seeing him and then feeling what she does when he beckons. Sometimes - there is a point to the Stop-start style though :)
Bottle cutting scene: Whe! - well missed from DOA2 I think. Could have been more intense though - money bet or something, a build up of sorts? Got a chuckle out of me though :)
Boy...she's...uhm...rather Chatty. Whatever she's having to drink - must be pretty potent **
He he he.
Dialogue in the next part is decent, very natual :) It could be tightened up with a little more linkage with everything else happening though. The Thannons and her noticing that the night was almost ending per too much to do with each other - unless someone was establishing another date?
The next bit with the Kunai hits nicely - good impact though still a little too subtle for my tastes. Don't be afraid to pull the stops out dearie. Go for the whole ball of wax. I'm sure it would have shaken Ayane to her bones...at least - that's the picture I have of it. A little stuttering or something to show her making an excuse for him to leave would have fit well too :)
Lastly - I think the last few parts explaining her purpose and thoughts are excellent. By the same token, They may have been better in setting a scene - say...the start of the following chapter. I would have chosen to end the chapter after the note...or as soon as possible after dropping that little bomb **
Good chapter, I can really see you've come quit some way. Twas a decent read and you're not wasting much time in moving the plot along.
So let's hope that it won't take too long before our respective chapters are out ;)
We DO have that little bit of incentive no?
Till next chappie...