Reviews for The Shadow's Smile
Paperjam7 chapter 2 . 7/5/2005
I like both - if you combined both, it would be great. The original doesn't have that much of a rushed feeling as the new version does, but the new one has more of the "adventure" feeling.

And... "show - don't tell!" Show us - the reader - instead of telling... like "...He seemed to be somewhere far away, lost in his thoughts." Show us that he is distant, rather cold, lost in thought.

Either rate, you did a good job on this story. Keep writing!
Paperjam7 chapter 1 . 7/5/2005
This story is very interesting... tense, with a curious plot.

But it feels somewhat rushed and slightly confusing at some points. Some sentences are rather long, and some are broken up in too many of the same ways with commas. Revise, revise, revise!

But good job, nonetheless. Try injecting some more imagery in there - and elaborate on the cave where Tarn finds the killer. The imagery you have shows that you can do so much more with it!

Good job, and keep writing!
luxraisin chapter 2 . 9/7/2004
I gots one word fer it person, "wow." Bit confuserated at points but...still. *knaws on hand thinking of what else to write...* Ack, who am I to criticize grammer. I'll leave Catty for that... good job.
luxraisin chapter 1 . 9/7/2004
avlblu...does that mean ac-wotsit-cal ferret or something? oh well, good story. You seem to like Silverrose and her stuff, good, you are very good too.I like it.
Duel Battle and War chapter 1 . 8/17/2004
I like this story. Please read mine.
Catty Engles chapter 6 . 2/11/2004
. I didn't get it... Why did the bad otter with blue eyes call Tarn the murdurer, did I miss something? Ack, I can't say much about your grammar except that there were a few comma splices and split infinitives. Watch out for those and you'll be fine. Other'n that- good job... (muttured) confusing...
-Cat
Catty Engles chapter 5 . 11/28/2003
Yeah, I was going to say something like that- it does sound a bit rushed. So he avenges his kin and then dies- *said in melodramatic flair* a fitting end to one so noble! Son vie est formidable!
DUDE, don't you know ya gotta put a comma before and when it's in a conjunctive sentence! 'Cause ya didn't like 3 times! Imagery is still good but I can tell that you like blood. I don't think one chapter didn't have any in it. *shudders* Me? I don't like blood as much, but your story was too good to overlook! I can't wait for the rewrite. (Well technically I can but- you know)
-Cat
Catty Engles chapter 4 . 11/28/2003
What possesed you to write such a good story and end it so soon? I'll give you a break on grammar because I think I'm getting annoying *smiles innocently* and believe me, that happens a lot. However, *smile turns into a mischevious leer* that says nothing about commenting on your writing. (muwahaha) Ok, I need description. Shame, shame, I want to feel what Tarn's feeling, in order to I need to see, smell, hear, taste, and of course, feel what he's experiencing. Give me a little about the great hall- what it damp? warm with the heat of joyfull bodies? or did he feel foreboding aura that can turn into foreshadowing with the encounter of 'the murderer'? C'mon pally I wanna know!
-Cat
Catty Engles chapter 3 . 11/28/2003
Ok now I'm confuzzled. So they're not twins? well there goes my lifeline. Je ne comprends pas. Ah me, but grammar is grammar and here's some coming your way!
"Someone called out in a feminine as he..." Uh, is it just me or is feminine NOT a nown. Yeah honey, your gonna need 'voice' in there k?
"near silent whisper, slowly the brew began..." Ah ha! An example! This is the sort of place you should put a period instead of a comma! Wow I got way to excited about that. Ahem, I like your metaphors and descriptive writing, keep it up! Oh I'm bad- Muwahaha.
-Cat
Catty Engles chapter 2 . 11/28/2003
Oh (Congradulations you've coaxed two ooh's from me in one day! An all time Redwall high!) Salut mon ami! Happy Thanksgiving and great writing! Must I comment on the freaky-deaky ordeals that have sliced the mondane sequence of my very life? *sighs resignedly* Ah yes! I'm thinking heaven and hell- am I right? Oh Oh! I know! I know! The otters are twins are they not? C'est drole, I must read on! Grammar time!
"Growling he menaced the shadows..." Ahem, do you see my point? It should be "Growling, he menaced the shadows..." Tada! hm my suggestions- you used "from which they had come." BJ would have used "from whense they had came." *looks at review* wow am I particular or what, sry it's my nature!
-Cat
Catty Engles chapter 1 . 11/28/2003
Oh angsty. Hm your choice of words isn't traditional, but maybe it's just your style. Minimal grammar mistakes and they thankfully do not impend readability. Okay now that I officially sound like my english teacher- on to the nitpicking!
"forcing all sensible creatures fleeing for shelter." Me? I'd use sending instead of forcing and scurrying instead of fleeing- very nitty gritty so this does not warrant a chapter rewrite. Oh and I do this too so I'm not blaming you in the least but you use commas a lot (like I said so do I) maybe try using more periods and start some knew sentences. Great idealism! Slap me if I'm too critical!
-Cat
Black Arrow chapter 5 . 9/21/2003
Wow. That was great. It's too bad you don't have enough time to write more, cause I really enjoy reading your stories. That was a perfectly spooky ending to the story. Well, when you do get the time, I do look forward to your next creation.
The Silvercat chapter 5 . 9/20/2003
Read it clear through. I thought it was great! It wasn't rushed like you thought, but there was one word in the last paragraph that threw me off.

"The otter disappeared into the gates, they slammed home to bar all entry..."

Don't you mean "exit"? I don't know, but that threw me off. Oh well, this was a nice shorty. And once again, thanks for reading my stories!

Kayla Silvercat
C.J. Sandiego chapter 4 . 9/9/2003
Wow, you're good. If one didn't know better they'd Brian Jacques wrote it himself.:-) Don't keep us waiting long for the next chapter!

-C.J. Sandiego,Fanfic Lover ;-)
Black Arrow chapter 4 . 9/8/2003
Only one chapter left? *tear* It's too good to end... Well it was good while it lasted. Make the last chapter extra long.
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