|Reviews for Neil's Song|
| Playing Passerine chapter 1 . 8/29/2003
feels like spring rain, sad and warm and alive and somehow pretty.
my favorite line was the one about wisdom and the dreams that should have been left behind. it just reached out and snatched me. not grabbed. snatch. less violence involved ;)
since you're doing the sort of but not quite rhyming deal, it might sound a little better if you evened out the syllables in the lines a little. reading it aloud parts sound a little stilted, just a few too many words. a little streamlineing wouldn't hurt. (well, i don't think) only other practical suggestion is the part with "i'm sorry for my singing- but..." that line sounds fine, the next line begins with 'but' again. the flow sort of gets caught there.
(gee, can you tell i haven't gotten to analyze anything in awhile?)
all my ramblings aside, i found this oddly moving.