|Reviews for Training Day|
| Tokyo Fox chapter 6 . 1/4/2005
A obvious follow up and/or side story to the first story but I was able to get into it a bit more because I'm more a fanwriter of fanfics
( For now )featuring known charters than a real writer but you could make you own original stories if you wanted too and if you go to you can write your own but you can't use any known charters; You have been warned.
| sticks chapter 6 . 11/15/2003
shorter is much better. Third person much better too. story still sucks.
| Jaenelle Angelline chapter 6 . 10/1/2003
M. Very impressive.
You're a very action-oriented was a lot of great detail on the fight scenes. I wish I could do that; I think, as I'm a girl, I don't do action well. I'm better at scenes with a lot of emotion. That's kind of why I tend to skip over those in my books. Your character are well written, and the background history was intriguing. What might be interesting is if you do a flashback scene with Brian back in his days running with the X-Men, you know, give the reader a glimpse of a (that was then, this is now) kind of thing.
I'm going to possibly alienate my favorite reviewer now by saying I don't think English was your best subject in high school. The plot's engaging, the premise behind the story good, but the writing lacks a bit in technicality. The run-on sentences were the first thing that hit me. The sentences could use some more periods. You should also consider identifying the person who's speaking; I had to backtrack a bit to figure out who was speaking in the last conversation between Storm and Brian. Becca was also in the room, and i had to scroll back and read the last paragraph before to figure out who said what.
I learned something a bit ago that I think might help: 'said-isms' are more distracting than anything else. don't be afraid to use "he said" or "she said" seventy percent of the time in a story. use, by all means, an adjective or a verb the other thirty percnt of the time, for variety and to alleviate monotony, but when one is reading your stuff, few of them will register the use of the word 'said'. the eyes pass over the word, the brain registers it, and then it gets tossed out the window in order to assimilate the rest of the sentence, and thereby the story.
All that said, here's my suggestion; if you want to Email me the various chapters of the story, I'll be glad to proofread and correct grammatical and spelling errors, and Email it back to you. I really liked this one... now on to the next one!