Reviews for Duelists Of Destiny
Nat Golden chapter 1 . 8/25/2004
good story, make more of them
Aki Kochou chapter 3 . 5/8/2004
i must agree with 'everybody'. Kaiba is just plain rude and cold hearted.
Rose: Then why do you like the Yugi/Kaiba pairing?
Me: -_-;; Rose, this is NOT the time to question my likes and dislikes. Anyway, good story
Aki Kochou chapter 1 . 5/8/2004
Hmm...interesting start. Quite nice. Keep going(assuming the story isn't already finished)
Yugi Muto chapter 3 . 3/15/2004
That was cool. Can't wait to see Tai.
Yugi Muto -
jadesshadow chapter 3 . 2/23/2004
A date with KAIBA! That has to be interesting. Update soon.
She Wolf Demon
Shinimegami5 chapter 3 . 2/20/2004
Okay, this REALLY sounds like stuff from my story... Nothing's wrong with that, I just noticed the whole "rival-between-Kaiba-and-Kevin" thing and the "Tea-falls-for-Kevin" thing, too, that's all.
And the "you're one of the best Duelists I've ever faced" thing from Crystal to Kevin would have been true... if Kevin had at least done some damage to Crystal. Like I said before, try to make the Duels a little more even when it's among skilled Duelists like Crystal and Kevin. If you've ever read the Duels in my own story, you'll see what I mean.
Anyway, I REALLY hope you're not mad at me for telling you all this. I'm just trying to help... Oh well. I'll just wait for your next chapter!
The one and only Goddess of Death,
*Shinimegami*
Shinimegami5 chapter 2 . 2/20/2004
Okay, here's where I have to say something. Not a bad Duel, but I have just a little advice...
Kevin's a really good Duelist, right? He's placed in the top 10 in many Dueling tournaments, so he's bound to cause some damage to his opponents. So why is it that he doesn't leave a scratch on Crystal? Is she immortal or what? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to flame you or anything, but she could at least lose SOME Life Points.
And then there's the cheering part. While it's true someone as popular as her WILL be cheered for during the Duel, why isn't anyone rooting for Kevin? Would Yugi and the others be cheering when he's in a tight spot instead of just talking about how badly he's doing?
Anyway, I'm just trying to give out some CC (constructive critizism), I'm not trying to be mean. I just think the Duel would have gone better if Kevin at even stood a chance against Crystal. Even the best of Duelists lose SOME Life Points along the way.
I hope this helped. Please don't hurt me? *ducks as random flaming objects are hurled at her* EEP! Okay, I get the picture! I'm going! *gets hit in the head with a flying brick of doom* Ahh... next chapter. _
The one and only Goddess of Death,
*Shinimegami*
Shinimegami5 chapter 1 . 2/20/2004
Hmm, this chapter sounds very familiar... it's almost just like my story... COOL! _
Anyway, nice job so far. I absolutely loved the whole "the only object I'm interested in is a sandwich" thing from Joey. XD Nice work! .
The one and only Goddess of Death,
*Shinimegami*
MoonlitMeowth chapter 3 . 2/20/2004
Hm, an interesting chappie. Hm, do I say, "interesting" too much? *pause* Oh well. . THAT doesn't really matter too much, so I WON'T worry. _ Anyways, I wonder what Kaiba's gonna tell Crystal about everyone else. If he IS I mean. Heh heh heh.
Matt Morwell chapter 3 . 2/18/2004
(This review is being told by a college student whose major is English; my advance apologies for any offense I cause.)
Hmm. The last 2/3 of the story was nothing but dialogue. While this is important to a story, it's also very important that you have narrative detail. People aren't always going to be interested in what the characters are saying as much as they'll be interested in how the environment around them is affecting them. For example, say you were talking to a couple friends. Do you always look them directly in the eye and nowhere else while you're talking with each other? Of course not. You take time to notice the details, even if it's as insignificant as a freckle or a zit. And then there are the surroundings that have so much potential detail to them. It could be as simple as a town block, or as detailed as the strokes of a brush on a canvas for a portrait. And that's what story-writing it, really. You've painted the characters, now paint the world around them! Familiarize us with the world you've put them into.
It's also in detail that character development occurs. You can show the characters saying just about anything you want them to say, but it's also important to show them doing something to either support or refute whatever it is they say. This is how we get to know a character, her personality, the way she works.
Also, in what context are these characters "saying" these phrases? Your structure is written in a pretty basic (and reusable) format: "Blah blah," he said. In the dialogue, however, it goes from reusable to overused, because we'll get only an occasional "exclaimed" instead of "said". And for a change of pace, we'll have "asked" in there, as well. There are many other ways to indicate that someone is saying something, though, such as "replied" and "pointed out". There's also the placement of additional action to substitute for "said", such as "grinned" or "laughed" or "groaned". There's a story that can be told in these words, and it gives readers a greater insight into the character you're presenting.
Your tenses are sometimes confused, I notice. For example, the phrase "Now Kaiba asked". "Now" is in present tense, while "asked" is past tense. I assume you're referring to past tense, as most stories are told after the events supposedly occur... in which case, lopping off words that don't agree and monitoring such occurrences as this one would be a good thing. Have you considered getting a beta reader? I've had people beta read my work before and they've helped me tremendously in improving it.
Okay, well, I'm finished with my rant. I'm sorry it was so long! I don't mean to load you down with all sorts of harsh criticism; I'm only looking to help you out, as the review system suggest I should do. These are only my opinions. You are, of course, free to ignore them, or use them as you see fit. In the meantime, don't let yourself be discouraged. Keep writing!
Time Mage chapter 3 . 2/18/2004
That was kinda strange. When did Kevin and Tea hook up? What broke Tea away from Yugi in the first place? ARGH! Kaiba, you may be my favorite character, but get back in character I say! See ya.
Shun Usagi chapter 3 . 2/18/2004
Nice chapter Lauren,update soon..
Namonaki chapter 2 . 2/16/2004
i liked the story plot and all..but Kevin's deck sounds a lot like Yuugi's...ut ahh it was good
Time Mage chapter 2 . 2/4/2004
OK, I think Crystal's a bit much? Where's she get THREE new Blues and Relinquished? Kaiba's got all three of the BEWD's, and Pegasus has the only Relinquished. So, where do her's come from? See ya.
Time Mage chapter 1 . 2/4/2004
Ok, not bad for a first attempt. I've already told you the major issues. See ya.
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