|Reviews for Messing With The Scenario|
| VizeerLord chapter 10 . 6/16/2014
| Guest chapter 10 . 3/27/2014
screw you NarwhalWarlord, I really wish you used half the energy to actually write a story that you use to tear someone else's work down and stroke your over-inflated ego. Wait, that won't work because people like you can only destroy not create, unless you want to use the weak "creative criticism" defense.
To the author
This is a very interesting treatment of the characters and story, it's something that I've not seen with NGE and I'm looking forward to reading more. Please do not let basement dwelling trolls who tear others down because they have no talent discourage you. Yes there are minor issues in the story but it's YOUR story and it's your vision. Please continue at least with a small teaser, I like where this is going and it would be a shame to leave it incomplete.
| NarwhalWarlord chapter 7 . 2/20/2014
I thought that Shinji was military and knew to obey chain of command?
I thought that washrooms weren't unisex?
AU, I guess.
Small spelling and grammar things:
"slid to a holt" - halt.
"Oh Shit" - you don't need to capitalize the second word.
I've given up here. PM me if you want to hear more, but otherwise I'm just finished with this.
| NarwhalWarlord chapter 6 . 2/20/2014
Quick solo thing for this chapter, keeping previous issues in mind:
It would be covering "bases", not "basses". I assume you're referring to making sure to keep all your various and assorted variables in order, not putting something over large strings instruments typically used for classical or jazz?
| NarwhalWarlord chapter 5 . 2/20/2014
He has no experience with Evas, no idea what they truly are, and no idea how to pilot them before this. How was he that good? That's not quite right there, and it further degrades the credibility of this fic.
Also, fighting for 20 minutes just doesn't work. No bodies, especially those of your child soldiers, would be able to sustain such exertion. Not sure how much fighting you've done, but it ain't easy stuff. And 20 minutes of it is completely crazy. Please fix.
Again with the random unmerited promotions based on internal exercises. It doesn't work that way.
Sorry if I wasn't clear before, but one review per chapter in order.
| NarwhalWarlord chapter 4 . 2/20/2014
MORE SQUICK? AND SEX TOO?
To use the infamous words of Asuka Langley Soryu:
"Pervert! Letch! Unbelievable!"
Or, more accurately:
Seriously, no. Yuck.
I just saw the AN. It screwed the entire premise of the series. Are you doing this to deliberately offend Eva fans, or because you just want to screw Gendo over for fun?
Anyways, Gendo can't initiate his desired Impact without Rei. His whole plan was to use Ayanami, Adam, and Lilith in conjunction to do something - it was never explained quite what - to initate a limited and mostly non-destructive Impact, get Yui out, and stop SEELE's plans. He can't do that now.
What now? Are you going to slather more AU and creepiness on top of the AU and creepiness to cover that?
I'll find out, I guess.
| NarwhalWarlord chapter 3 . 2/20/2014
Not sure how far into the series you've gone, but that is NOT Rei. Rei is Yui's clone infused with Lilith's DNA, raised in a tube in the Geofront. She's effectively Gendo's daughter. And even if she was AU'd, then why does she still have Angelic features? Why does she look like Yui? And what's with MORE CHILD SOLDIERS?
Again with Shinji's authority. It doesn't work like that. Transfers require permission from superior officers. Rei would not get that, seeing as she answers directly to Gendo.
Also, rank - it doesn't work like that. Arbitrary promotions and random determinations of authority aren't standard or even vaguely efficient military practice. It's evidence of corruption, institutional decay, and a collapse in discipline which is distinctly unrealistic.
| NarwhalWarlord chapter 2 . 2/20/2014
Alright, more issues.
A fourteen-year-old's body isn't actually physically ready for combat. It has a lot of growing to do. They are completely incapable of handling recoil or even carrying a standard assault rifle - they are unable to build up sufficient muscle and body mass to make it work. They wouldn't be able to wear a bulletproof vest - it would either be too heavy and bulky for them or downsized and too small to work. Similar stuff with helmets. It just wouldn't work.
Have you ever seen a person who is eleven years of age? Have you looked at their hand-eye coordination? Have you measured them up against a person of actual military age? Have you seen them in class? They also lack the mental capacity to handle military life. They generally find multi-digit multiplication and division difficult, and even kids in advanced classes can't get that far. Learning how to salute properly, identify military units, and clean and service the dozens of parts of a rifle? Seriously? Nope.
And then there's the injury trauma bit. If you get hit with a 5.56 mm rifle round, which is NATO standard and as such a generally accepted size, it would tear through flesh entirely. It would also often have ripple effects in skin. Consider what it would do to a child. A hit, even on the arm, would tear said arm off. Why does Shinji still have two arms?
Ugh. Random LI from "the past". Squick. That's just wrong.
Rei - Gendo keeps her isolated for a reason. He doesn't want her forming connections beyond her connection to him - she's his trump card, his last resort in case anything goes wrong. She's the key to Impact. Placing her in a potentially compromising situation, especially given Shinji's new spine, would be problematic, foolish, and OOC.
Also, there's no strategic sense. Yes, assets could be concentrated, but at the same time a single assault on Tokyo-3 would be able to potentially pin all 3 pilots in one place, neutralizing the Evas. Which is not good, seeing as they're NERV's final and ultimate weapon.
| NarwhalWarlord chapter 1 . 2/20/2014
Haven't read past this, but I seriously have a problem with a lot of this.
First off, we know that the Commander was watching Shinji - he watches everyone, especially his pilots. And we know how widespread his influence is. It seems obvious that the Commander has a vested interest in keeping Shinji's connections with people outside NERV to a minimum. Therefore, there is no way that the Commander would have let Shinji be moved to UN military forces where he could actually grow a spine, which would decrease his usefulness. Furthermore, SEELE effectively runs a good deal of the UN, so Gendo letting Shinji into an area that they have great influence over is illogical and therefore un-Gendolike considering his relationship with them.
Second off, child soldiers? Seriously? Seriously? Do you have no problems with that? Are you presenting that concept as a good thing? Because that is frankly sickening.
Third, the Commander never lets anyone near his desk except for Futsuyuki. Shinji is not Futsuyuki. And bringing him close to the desk lessens the psychological impact. The Commander is all about psychological impact. He's proven time and time again to be a master at it.
Fourth, NERV would not be dissolved. That would be blatantly stupid of the UN. It would be getting rid of the one organization capable of stopping the oncoming Angelic threat, which they are aware of. And making enemies of a master strategist, his mentor/fellow master strategist, their army, and their invincible gigantic combat mechs is not smart. Furthermore, SEELE wouldn't allow it - they would stop any attempts. Their goal is Third Impact, and they need NERV and, more particularly, they need Gendo and his network to start it.
Fifth, Gendo is distinctly out of character here. He would never say something like that out loud. Does he ever actually confess any of his plans or goals to Shinji - or, for that matter, anybody but Futsuyuki? Nope. Especially not possibly psychologically damaging ones. That would be stupid. Double stupid because Shinji had a gun. However, everyone is aware that Gendo has a gun in his jacket and is an incredibly quick draw. Overawing Shinji and gaining his respect by pulling faster than him would be excellent fodder for getting the loyalty he needs.
Sixth, the whole "interfere with the Scenario thing" was also out of character. He doesn't actually want to interfere with the Scenario - that would bring attention to him. That's a common theme through the series. Instead, as vocalized in Rebuild, he simply wants to subtly rewrite it and end off with his own version of Impact, taking them by surprise.
Seventh, Australia doesn't exist. It hasn't existed since Second Impact. If Liz was born before second impact, then she'd be too old for the class. If she was born after second impact, she wouldn't be an Aussie expat.
Eighth, there is no way that Shinji would get promoted that fast.
Oh wait. Child soldiers don't need to be qualified, they just need to be cannon fodder and psych war tools.
Anyways, there's my list of issues with this. I may review more later, but if not be satisfied with this. Hopefully this is useful, but if not then I apologize for taking your time.
| Zikarn Krais chapter 7 . 2/19/2014
Question: Are you setting this up to be a Shinji/Rei?
Because seriously, it's pretty obvious if you are. The whole giving Katherine gifts, the outright saying that Rei is not related to Shinji at all (one of the primary reasons they're not paired), and such?
*sigh* I had hoped that you would pair him with Liz or Asuka, but I suppose Rei will have to do...
| Wolfman-053 chapter 10 . 2/19/2014
Wow, an Asuka with a fully functional brain... will wonders never cease...
That said, this was a very well written chapter.
| volosaraptor chapter 9 . 9/25/2013
Fantastic story u did the battleplan perfectly i would of used the same just wojdering when u will be doing the next chaptor hope its soon keep up the gd work
| xXxOtAkU-444xXx chapter 9 . 4/14/2013
I like it! **
| Gavin chapter 9 . 1/17/2013
Loving the chapters. Great idea for a story. Hope the next update is soon, Good luck with writing!
| watchdog210 chapter 9 . 11/24/2012
Not bad. Kinda fun. I think I'll follow this one.