Reviews for Stormbringer
anonymous-im the same chapter 1 . 8/1/2004
Though I've read this chapter in December I wanted to post an overview of "Stormbringer" concerning all chapters...

Chapter One

I thought the beginning scene wasn't that well written; I would have personally written a moving and vivid description before introducing Andrew. Then I would have done something about Candice's first dialogue line; It makes her sound a little...whatever. The second part of the chapter taking place at Redwall Abbey was practically perfect and enchanting. It was interesting to review the stormrat war from Gormin's eyes. The entrance of Candice wasn't bad either; it could have gone much worser. The last sentence was good and strategically put at the end of the chapter, leaving the reader on the edge of his chair wanting for more...

Chapter Two

The beggining introduced the new character (Luc) in a fairly good way and throwing some humor on the spotlight at Luc's indignation at being carried upstairs by skipper in front of the Abbey. The banter between Luc and Ellen show the attitude of teen-aged beasts is similiar to that of humans. I loved the sparring and the sentence: "The image of Ellen physically threatening Luc drew a few glances from the Redwallers that were beginning to file into Great Hall, but it was nothing out of the ordinary". I also liked the character of Ellen...

The second part (the meeting in Cavern Hole) was good too. The debating was a good tactic, it wouldn't have been exciting if the solution was decided on straight away. Skipper showed a diplomatic sense and said some sentences that are worth quoting, but I'm to lazy to do work.

Chapter Three

This was a strategic point to visit Salamandastron since the bulk of the action takes place there. I liked your originality in making Rocketh a bad smith because it differs from the usual fics in which the badger lord is a natural in forging metal. A few paragraphs later I encounter the problem of the colonel not having a more creative name, but it is not a big problem. There is also another flaw a little further along. Rocketh and the colonel are worried yet a hare is worth multiple of the ordinary number and the stormrat navy outnumber them only one to two. Also the idea of the villians being stormrats, a new race, shows some great creativity. Anyway the ending to the first part of chapter three ended well. In the first paragraph of the second scene, there is a hilarios typo: "...Luc was already relaxed and was beggining to enjoy herself." If I remember correctly Luc was a MALE beast. There is also another typo in the beginning: "Luc didn't take Ellen to seriously..." Shouldn't it be too instead of to. I'm not particularly looking for typos I am just noting the ones that come to my eye. Also when Luc saw the trio of ferrets he reports that they did not look different from redwallers but then says that they're fearsome, vermin, dressed in rags, stained with blood, etc. I also wanted to say that your accents are coming along nicely. There was also this point were a ferret asks a question in dialogue form but you put a comma instead of a question. Plus at pre-battle tension Ellen is mentioned to have a spear but I thought she had a staff. The battle was sweet but the last few sentences of the chapter aren't that well-written.

Chapter Four

Ah, Cain. It was a sentimental scene when he thinks of his wife while the breeze sways the petals of his flower. I think the subplot of Gormin and Cain struggling to hide the death of the otters so they could face the Stormrats was well-thought of. This chapter hardly had any typos.

Chapter Five

There were a few awkward sentences in this chapter but only three of them. I liked Hake's method of training and you desribed a vivid account of Andrew's chase through the woods. Back at the fire mountain I liked the idea of Rocketh's thoughts of being a forgotten badger lord and the Developement until he saw a bright light of optimisim...

Chapter Six

Cain thinking of Kelly and reviewing her death certainly was an interesting scene. There was a vivid typo at one point where Cain was thinking of her death that he is mentioned as Gormin. Whatever. i also liked his mental torment of deceiving the redwallers about their loved loss when he himself had lost something he loved.

Intermission report: remember I have read these chapters months ago but have not really reviewed them.

Chapter Seven

Sweet chapter. It gives us some old fashioned action and introduces the villians and gives them more character wealth. It shows how effecient and quick the Stormbringer's vermin are. The plot is going totally sweet. The captains are interesting, the fic is interesting. Way to go Vic.

Chapter Eight

So The Abbey's warriors don't believe in the "Martin Spirit". I like the way Cain's feelings go phsycho and his angst is torturing him. There was a flaw in the first scene of this chapter where you mention that the army of Redwall is 150 strong. That would mean 60% of the Abbey inhabitants are warriors which is highly improbable. In the second scene a lot of character wealth was developed on Polwyn. You have been doing a lot of character wealth it seems. I liked the end where the hares glimpsed Rhyslia or whatever she is called.

Chapter Nine

Well, well, well Rocketh is starting on the path of a blacksmith.

Intermission Report: The following chapter aren't going to be scrutinized very closely since I'm in a hurry.

Chapter Ten

Candice is offended and all in a huff. I can't wait to see Luc and co.'s reaction when they find out the truth.

Chapter Eleven

Nice little history on the Stormbringer's part. It partly fascinated me since so far reminiscences of the war was brought up by goodbeasts. This is turning into a long story. Whoo female brawl back at redwall: Sister Rain vs. Ellen. Go Ellen, you show her girl. Ahem, anyways...The solution is... wow! that was extremely interesting.

Chapter Twelve

Almost complete anhillitation of the hare crew. Who will take the sword? Dun..Dun,Dun...The attack is approaching and so are the redwallers.

Chapter Thirteen-Fourteen

Wow goodbeasts are dying everywhere...Nice tactic of attack on the vermin's part...Rocketh and Cain dead...

Chapter Fifteen

Awesome chapter-check my review.

Chapter Sixteen

The battle scenes were confusing and not so well-written. Multiple typos. Not the best chapter you could have written.

Chapter Seventeen

My favorite chapter. Awesome battle scenes.

Chapter Eighteen

WAs the ferret the escaper from Luc and co.-check my review.

KEEP WRITING!
anonymous-im the same one chapter 18 . 8/1/2004
I dont know how i got to review this chapter twice. Though my first review was a little hasty; let me enlighten you. Agian's confrontation was sweet and I am already getting fond of Rithan. I hope to see more character developement on his part but if he turns out to reform, I still hope some of his evil edge will remain.

The ending scene with Meist up in heads was the full grandness of macabreness...

Overall on a scale of 1-10 I would give this fic a 9. It certainly is an improvement from "Where has our luck gone..." which seems to have disappeared from your profile...
anonymous-I'm the same chapter 17 . 8/1/2004
I forgot to add to my review for chapter xvl that I like Danni's and Sunai's relationship and am glad that Meist's death didn't ruin it. Also what happened to Mark and the other captains? It seems to me you've been focusing on Laskit lately.

I have forgotten to add this in my last reviews but some of the names for Redwallers (Paul, Jacob, etc.) and hares (ex. Jeffrey) are a little bit uncreative but whatever; other names like Merlin and Mianel aren't...

Overall this is a great story with plenty of action and some romance. Sunai/Danni come second in my favorite villian couples after Darth Tabby's Ruttail and Romscalia...Lo'
The Silvercat chapter 18 . 8/1/2004
About time you got this thing up! *shakes finger admonishingly* You didn't have the chapter by the time I got back from vacation, but I suppose this will do. _

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Critiques:

'"There's no reason for us to fight," said Agian dangerously.'

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This is a style preference, but I think it would flow more smoothly if you had "Agian said dangerously". Again, just style, so you can ignore this.

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Mianel grinned. "I'd tell you, but I don't think I could make a decent story outta my life without some time t' think. Besides,"

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I think the "some time" should be together.

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"There were also a few tryin' t' set fire t' th' crops on th' side o' th' mountain. Yer soldiers managed t' put out th' fire before all th' crops were destroyed, but many were bunt before we could extinguish th' blaze."

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Just a typo problem. 'Bunt' should be 'burnt'.

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One critique that's preference. This chapter was much too short, buddy. I want more. You hear me? MORE!

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You told me there was a four day lapse in there, so I would mark it if I were you.

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I liked this chapter. Nice and simple. I also like the fact that your bad guys, they don't act like bad guys and they're organized. Laskit was refreshing since he was a responsible commanding person. The affection Danni and Sunai show for each other was also nice, it showed they weren't completely heartless.

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Nice, nice, nice! Now, more, more, more!

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Kayla Silvercat
anonymous-the same one chapter 18 . 8/1/2004
Interesting...so the redwallers are going home and the are three new characters. However what happened to Andrew? Will Agian and co. meet up with him? What about Luc and the others? In the last few chapters you haven't visited that subplot.

I thought Chapter xvll was better than xvl but that's just me. Overall, this story is coming along nicely but it does have its gaps that make the flow go a little choppy. There were about three or four typos but compared to the usual galore that's not much.

Your latest chapters have been taking two months each to put up. im not complaining but before (end of 2003, beginning of 2004) there were one per a week or something like that. Whatever...
The Silvercat chapter 17 . 6/8/2004
Yes, another excellent chapter, Vic! Just awesome! You certainly like making us believe the good guys are going to lose. Hehee! The mountain stronghold falls!

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There were minimal mistakes that I saw in this. Mostly typos, and stuff spellcheck didn't pick up.

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I'm still surprised that I am one of only two reviewers for this fic. People who like reading reviews, I implore you to read this fic! It's an excellent read with a very Jacquean feel to it. And the length is what makes it spectucular!

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Keep writing this, Vic. You better have a chapter (or two) done by the time I return from vacation!

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Kayla Silvercat
The Silvercat chapter 16 . 4/14/2004
Fwee! Another awesome chapter, Vic! You're just getting better! I only saw a few critiques.
"...Merlin carefully lifted Salamander and placed it in the sheath. Placing the straps over his shoulders once again, Merlin stood with Salamander strapped to his back."
You mention Merlin and Salamander twice. Again, you don't really need to. It's an honest mistake though.
"There was no time to make sure this beast ended up dead, but the Stormrat rusted that one of his soldiers would put the beast out of its misery."
Eh... I didn't quite get what you were saying here. 'Rusted'? Maybe I don't know that word, but it sounded awkward.
Okay, be proud! That was all the mistakes I saw!
YAY! Thank you for getting this out! I'm sorry I coudln't read it entirely through the first night. Anyway... EXCELLENT job, Vic! Give me more!
Oni
anonymousactuaally i'm the same anonymous who reviewed ch. 14 chapter 15 . 4/11/2004
Nice chapter, interesting scene when Cain was about to enter the Dark Forest. Lots of writers try to picture the 's guardian and this badger guardian was one of the best I've read about. Meist's death was timely; I wonder what Danni's next move is. I think Merlin will wield the sword Rocketh forged against the vermin.
The Silvercat chapter 15 . 3/20/2004
... WOW! Amazing, Vic! Incredible and very original! And great minds think alike; I had something similar planned in ToW.
I can't even tell you what was so good about this. So moving! I think I almost cried! Your'e getting so good at emotions. I can see why you'd be proud of this chapter.
Keep it up! You must write more! I cannot be left hanging like this! I demand!
Oni
The Silvercat chapter 14 . 3/20/2004
O.o Wow! A lot of beasts died! Rocketh probably takes first prize for having ruled the least amount of time.
And damn it! You killed Cain! That's not fair! First I lose Jans and now Cain. Gyah! You and Winger! I was induldged in this chapter the whole way through and I was incredibly excited. (I didn't cry, mind. .)
I didn't see any mistakes in this chapter, so keep 'em coming, Vic! *is about to skip ahead to 15*
Oni
The Silvercat chapter 13 . 3/20/2004
Oh! The battle has begin! *shivers with excitement* I. MUST. READ. MORE!
And yay! Lord Rocketh finally made a sword worthy of his expectations! I already have an idea of who gets the sword and what it's for.
Awesome job, Vic! Excellent! I love this! *eagerly anticipates Chapter 15*
You keep churning out those chapters and I'll read them!
A few critiques: "Before Holdrin had a chance to attack..." And in the next sentence "but before he had a chance..." That's awkward. Different wording next time, please?
Gah! I can't find the other critique, but it's there if you look hard. It's similar to the one above. Well, I'm off to read the next chapter! *clicks the little button in the bottom right corner*
The Silvercat chapter 12 . 3/20/2004
All I can say is one word: Death!
The first two victims of this war have fallen, I believe. Well, the ones we knew names to. I feel sorry for that poor Eagle; all she wanted was to fly again.
Oh well... Awesome chapter, Vic! Indeed, very nice! I will continue reading and hopefully I will have caught up to you by tonight!
Oni
BobTDSC chapter 1 . 3/16/2004
This story is so good! i love it, it sounds like brian jacques wrote it himself
The Silvercat chapter 11 . 3/12/2004
Okay, I've read since Chapter 9 and I must say that this is getting better and better. I would have to say that you're on my skill level (since you insist that I'm better than you). You certainly stuck those three in a very controversial scheme that could not be easily punished, and I think Jacob's sentence was the right one.
And talk about originality! Redwall splitting up into factions? Not helping each other anymore and trying to tell a select few they are above others? Whew! That's something I never expected. Excellent way of portraying it, though I do think Sister Lane's outbursts were a little less sneaky than I thought it would be.
And a few nitpicks. Not really errors, but opinion:
"Thank gosh you're safe, my friend!"
'Thank gosh'? Umm... I would think it would be something different. I don't know, that just kinda stood out from the rest of everything else.
"Kiran stood beside Jacob, gazing solenmly..." "Jacob was gazing sullenly at the table,..."
Maybe 'staring' should replace one of those. Those two senteces are right next to each other so I would suggest you look over that part again.
Now this is another opinion critique... *looks back at the chapter* Okay, I can't find it so you get off the hook, but it was just a nitpick.
In any case, keep up the excellent work! I'll try to read the rest of it this weekend!
The Silvercat chapter 9 . 3/9/2004
Wow! Very nice, Vic. I love it, I do! (I'm on my dad's computer.)
I was so absorbed into this that I didn't notice any mistakes, so you get off easily. _
Lord Rocketh is a strange one, and the words that Colonel Jeffrey gave him have a great meaning to them. I like this philisophical part you put into this wonderful fic!
I will try to read some more when I have the time. Thanks for the read!
Kayla Silvercat
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