|Reviews for Secret of the Zodakkians|
| Luna12 chapter 2 . 11/13/2005
[Note that when I'm very harsh in my critisim, it's a compliment because I thought your story was worth me taking the time to write. I see a lot of potential and am eager to see you grow as a writer]
The opening paragraph had too many run-on sentences that detracted from the power of the scene. Some of the descriptions were nice, but you could go into even more detail for dramatic effect (ie the tranformation of the sorceress). Also, it's "role model" not "ro-model", "excited" not "exited". It seems an awkward transition from talking about the sorceress and then reflecting on Man-At-Arms.
Your story needs a Beta reader to help catch some of the spelling and grammar mistakes, and clean up some of the sentences.
Some backstory as to when in the series this is taking place would also help. Is this right after "Ties that Bind"?
A slightly longer fight scene between Teela and Evilyn would also be nice to read.
I wouldn't directly say "how beautiful she was" because it sounds like Teela is being vain, because the narration almost sounds like a POV. I would stick to describing her features in such a way that any reader would obviously be able to tell she is good-looking.
I loved the prank that Adam pulled on Teela, but it seems that you're making Teela sound far more bitchy than she ever is. She and Adam have playful banter back and forth.
I'd be happy to Beta read for you, if you want.:-)
| OceanSide chapter 8 . 3/10/2004
This is a great story, I enoyed reading what you have so far. ) I look forward to the next chapter.
| Lightengale chapter 8 . 2/15/2004
Ok, i write he-man fanfic myself and i know that i would want constructive critisism to improve my stories too, so here goes...
I like the essence of this sotry but i felt it was all a little hurried. I'm not sure about the way Duncan speaks eg "my sweet daughter", it sounds a little too soft for him, he loves Teela yes, but i could never imagine him speaking this way.
I don't know who sets the story out but it's very hard to read the way it is at the moment.
Otherwise some great ideas it just needs to be written with a little more depth to get the full potential out.
Good job xx
| Luna12 chapter 6 . 2/2/2004
NO! Don't stop writing! That's too sad! Please, please, please. The earlier chapters were your best, the others seemed a little hoaky with the internal dialogue with Adam, but they were still good. Please write more. I love where the plot is going.
| Guest chapter 7 . 1/25/2004
Reading it so please continue!
| Zespara chapter 6 . 1/20/2004
Please continue with the storyline. I've enjoyed reading thus far if only because it's a tale of someone else besides Adora and Adam that have the power of greyskull.
Just because there hasn't been a lot of reviews doesn't mean that nobody's reading it.
| Hudine chapter 6 . 1/18/2004
Hay Like it. Yes I know how it feels cause mine has 40 words and 3 chapters. 3 Reviews from the first one. I sibcribed just to get advanced stats to see if anyone is reading it
| Guest chapter 5 . 1/18/2004
You shouldnt have stopped writing. I enjoyed your story. Please do continue!
| Dinathiel chapter 3 . 12/23/2003
HAHAHAHAHA merman! hehehehehee OI! i can't believe evilyn has the power of greyskull and turned into she-ra! good chap!
| Dinathiel chapter 2 . 12/23/2003
That last paragraph had me with my mouth open! good chapter!
| Dinathiel chapter 1 . 12/23/2003
OH MAN! Teela had better get that stupid adam back for that! hehehe good chapter, cuz!
| princessadora chapter 3 . 12/22/2003
hey I just read your story and I must say it is getting good. Hope to see more soon