Reviews for Is it worth it?
feernando chapter 14 . 2/23/2011
really good when will you do the sequel because the story is great
emeraldeyes.kylie chapter 14 . 10/9/2010
great story...ummm..uh.. i just wanted to ask what's the title of the sequel? and i it was great...

-kyle-
Sarah chapter 4 . 2/13/2010
Xian is pronounced SHAN, not ZANE. Xian-pu Shan-pu
Ganheim chapter 4 . 12/6/2008
One thing I wanted to deal with that's in chapter 5 but it would take too long to critique that:

In the story I wanted Shampoo to have a normal teenage girl life

[It's fine if you want to try to put canon characters into new situations, but if you're going to write them then please try to be true to the canon. You can't just say 'I want this to happen' and throw them into it, this isn't Gilligan's Isle or The Simpsons. Shampoo is not a normal teenage girl; she's lived a completely different upbringing and I can say with complete certainty that she would not _want_ to live like them. All people have moments where they might want to escape where they are and try to live somebody else's life, but besides the fact that things never go like they seem at first people usually discover that “the grass is not usually greener on the other side”.]

And finally, a blanket criticism for the entire story instead of individual lines:

The technical flaws (spelling, punctuation, grammar) are bad but the most damaging part of this are contrivances: minor deviations from canon characterization are inevitable but forcing them into things that are extremely unlikely in normal canon situations do not a good story make. You can make major changes: Adonhefka (here on FFnet) had Akane start training from Genma in “Dreams of the Earthbound”, Lathis had Ryouga Hibiki join the Teen Titans in “Titans and the Lost Boy”, Wade Tritschler made Akane and Shampoo close friends very cleverly in “Most Unlikely of Friends” (pity that one's in script format, or it might be on this site and in my favourites). All of them have very interesting destinations, but they also have very believable changes - over reasonable paces of time - to get there. If you want to have take a character and do something without being pushed there, you're better off using an original character. You've already created two original characters related to Shampoo and I had no problem with that, or if you wanted to take one of the Nerima Wrecking Crew to play the 'normal girl' you could have used Akane - canonically, she's the closest one to 'normal' while still being a martial artist. Doing some research to support your story would also help - I took Japanese because I'm studying Linguistics, I don't expect nearly anything like that from other people. However, hopping on google for a few minutes would serve you well, even checking wikipedia as long as you check the external sources (a good researcher cross-checks all sources, especially online ones, but online ones are easier to cross-check).
Ganheim chapter 4 . 12/6/2008
Chapter 4- Is it worth it?

theres a town I made up that neighbors Nerima.

[Nerima is not a town, it's a ward of Tokyo. If you've never studied Japan (and that looks like the case), think of it like a very large neighborhood. You have cities or towns that are built of very series of neighborhoods that are crammed next to each other. When you walk out of one neighborhood (ward), you don't end up in the forest, you wind up in another neighborhood (ward). Same thing with Tokyo. It's just that the wards ('-ke' in Japanese) of Tokyo are very large.]

"NO! I wasn't with Shampoo.

[Ranma doesn't tell fully outright lies like this very often: he prefers to simply dodge the question, often by babbling incoherently, maybe throwing insults to distract her. It usually works.]

he got into 2 more

[For numbers under 10 it's expected to write it out (ex: two)]

Then why is it affecting me so much.

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

I just hope its not too late.'

['its' possessive of 'it'. 'it's' contraction of 'it is', which is what belongs here]

She souldn't

[shouldn't]

she didn't feel any pain,

[When people are feeling emotional pain, physical pain drops to anywhere from being an unimportant nuisance to a desperately sought-after distraction. Either way, emotional anguish will always overcome physical pain (in the mind's eye of the sufferer) and the fact that she's not _physically_ hurting would be effectively meaningless, unless she's actively turning her focus to that to try to keep from drowning in her emotional pain.]

and setted it on fire.

[Spelling: set. However, earlier you had told us that Shampoo has reached a point where that heated pain she feels from his rejection has begun to turn into a colder pain, 'an agony of void'.]

Slowly she began to see trees pop up

[This gives imagery like trees jumping around and dancing like something out of The Chronicles of Narnia.]

And why was I brought hear?'

[Spelling: here. I also think that, based on the pattern of her other thoughts, that the 'and' is superfluous.]

her older brother Xian (Zane)

[Author's notes are very bad form mid-chapter. Additionally, when transliterating Chinese, the 'x' character typically represents a sound that in English is most closely represented by the 'sh' (though, depending on the Chinese dialect and accent represented, it could be closer to the 'tz' or 'ch' sound. Usually, it's just 'sh').]

with trainning

[Spelling: training]

so he was not really looking for a girlfriend at that time.

[This kind of goes without saying by the 'spent all his time training bit', and the mention redirects attention. I think that this would best be cut.]

he would be Matriarch

[Do I need to point out anymore? Maybe so: 'matriarch' (in English, and the word used in the Japanese) is a strictly feminine title. And despite the fact that I think that the amazons aren't (any longer) a harshly segregated, discriminated society (those tend to die because of revolt or emigration), but the standard of expectation is still for, at least nominally, a female ruler.]

he got really .

[He wasn't really what?]

She also knew he could be a sweet heart when he wanted to.

[Distracting break of the direction of the narrative, I'd delete this too.]

their trainning

[Spelling: training]

Shampoos older sister

[Shampoo's]

Gar Lan (Garland).

[Parentheticals are to be avoided. I recommend you skip straight to the familiar one if you're going to use it.]

like Shampoos

[Shampoo's]

She also had the same color eyes as Shampoo.

[And also...and also... If you're not going to vary the physical characteristics, at least vary the sentence patterning.]

Garland was really the kindest person in the she was a lot like Kasumi.

[Repetitive, confusing phrasing]

she was kind didn't mean she would let people just walk all over her, she could have a real nasty temper if anyone really tempted her.

[Inconsistent. It's okay to say that a character is normally kind but has a repressed temper, but please say it clearly, and portray her consistently.]

her brothers back

[brother's]

Shampoo remebered

[remembered]

could've came with her.

[come]

Shampoos head.

[Shampoo's]

She felt like crap.

[Oh, how descriptive]

Aparently she was

[apparently]

in a girls room.

[girl's]

long wavvy black hair. It wasn't as long as Shampoo's but it went passed her shoulders.

[Two sentences to say something one short sentence should've said.]

She had dark green eyes and bangs that were right above them.

[Yes, bangs are usually above the eyes, it would be extremely unusual for them to be below.]

age (17).

[Avoid parentheticals at all cost. In fact, I'd recommend just sticking to describing her as 'about the same age']

The door was smashed open

[Remember that this is the Nerima Wrecking Crew that our expectations are built around, 'smashing through' makes me think 'literally destroyed the door' like when Shampoo came through the wall/ice rink in her reintroduction.]

I do need a break from the Nekohatten,

[Nekohanten]

Shampoo had been studying her Japenese

[Spelling: Japanese]

now would be a good time to see how well it payed off.

[Shampoo generally puts what she learns to immediate use (and a lot of her trouble is when she puts something to use - like magic mushrooms or Xia Fang Gao) to use when she hasn't fully learned it (or thought things through), I seriously doubt that she'd learn a lot of Japanese and not use it - this immediate use is especially important in language. Japanese and Chinese, despite their shared writing system, are vastly different languages - that's why she has such difficulty speaking proper Japanese (though in the Japanese she isn't as bad as in the English, she just speaks the way Chinese stereotypically speak Japanese). However, that's not a reason to suddenly change Shampoo's speech patterns, and she's always had problems with personal pronouns.]

"Your in the town of Ohgami.

[You're]

gave you C.P.R sort of.

[gave some sort of cpr?]

you must of this Jusenkyo curse

[ 1: have. 2: it's extremely convenient for someone to know about Jusenkyo curses – nobody in Furinkan knew about curses, and from the main arcs and side stories it's clear that it was a thing unknown to the outside world.]

She was short and chubby (not as short

[When you start describing a part of a person, you should fully describe it. Don't say 'short, then something else, then kinda short' (which is basically what this is).]

"That sounds good"

[Missing closing punctuation]

Kyoko (Shampoo)

[1: avoid parentheticals. 2: you're writing in a slightly distant 3rd-person narrative, so the narrative should probably stick with true descriptions including still referring to Shampoo as Shampoo.]

Kyoko's (Shampoo if you haven't got it yet).

[1: avoid parentheticals. 2: don't use mid-chapter parentheticals. 3: this is insulting to your readers, and the distant narrative should give true information to the audience]

(SHAMPOO IS KYOKO!)

[See above note]

Kyoko but on a fake smile

[1: see previous note. 2: Spelling: put. 3: missing transitionary punctuation]

"Thats just great" Kyoko

[Missing closing/transitionary punctuation. Also: see above notes on 'Kyoko' in narrative. This has been occuring enough that I'm not going to point it out again.]

she see's

[sees]

or never even seen her

[or _ever_ seen]

Mousse and maybe Cologne).

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

Happier than when she was with her so called friends in Nerima.

[Different, perhaps. Although this might still fall under the 'intoxication of the new', she's still in love with Ranma (you reinforce this implicitly above) and he's not there.]

"WHAT! WHAT THE

[Overuse of capitalization. You already use a good descriptor in the speech tag, that's better than long strings of capitalized text. This overuse continues with more of Ranma's and Mousse's lines.]

But Ranma was just thinking that Shampoo wanted some time alone.

[This is highly doubtful. When Ranma gets worried and he's given time to stew (like now), he'd only grow more and more worried. He's not going to 'just think she wants some time alone', though for the first couple days he might _hope_ that's all that happened.]

cold water from out of no where

[contrived]

to somewhere far away.

[Superfluous]

I just wish you would've told me sooner so I could've helped look for her."

[This is stupid: from the story as you have it, Ranma may have been scared away by her cat form but with as worried as she was making him he would come back soon to search for her. Of course, if things were in the city and they were separated by crowds, any search Ranma would lead himself would probably be ineffectual and he'd know it so he'd despondently return and wouldn't necessarily go right out and ask for help - his pride would be a factor in this.]

So please Ranma please help

[Cologne is a very serious, relatively straightforward person. If she wants help, she's probably going to say 'please help me look' with a minimum of wording.]

he saw that she was beginning to cry.

[Out of character: Cologne may be very concerned, but she's not going to show it to others because that might panic them and when she decides something needs to be done she makes that the priority and is remarkably capable of putting convenience, pride, and emotion aside. She shows hints of this in the Phoenix Pill arc]

"SHAMPOO HAS

[Abuse of capitalization]

if you didn't get it Shampoo's name is Kyoko(DUH). Get that straight before you read the 5th chapter

[This is clearly insulting your readers, and it's also breaking good narrative description (accurate distant third-person description).]
Ganheim chapter 3 . 12/6/2008
Chapter 3-One hell of a day

glomping on to him.

[Superfluous 'on']

Well that question didn't get answered because

[Superfluous/repetitious. I think the action following does better on its own. It implies strongly enough and is more concise.]

Aiya!

[This is a sound of surprise, something that's _spoken_, not used in thoughts.]

froze up again just like when she froze up

[Repetition of 'froze up', the easiest way to fix this would be delete 'when she froze up'.]

Ranma did the same thing, he forgot what to say once he started to stare into her eyes,

[Slightly contrived/OOC. Ranma had his time where he'd get lost in her eyes: that was before the Xia Fang Gao arc. Particularly now when he's got worry at the forefront he's at least going to remember that he's worried. As such, he's probably going to stare at her, looking confused.]

should of just

[As this is an unvoiced thought, it can carry accents/dialects/etc. Either it should say 'have' or 'should've', maybe 'shoulda' (which would be in line with Ranma's rather colloquial Japanese).]

or is he trying to be way he's bad at it.

[I have no idea what this is trying to say.]

so she wouldn't move with out him stopping her.

[No, that's simply 'so she _couldn't_ move']

I've shouldn't have took it out on you when you were just trying to help.

[Her glomping him isn't trying to help, it's trying to get his attention. Much like the saying “to throw yourself at his feet”: which derives from peasants literally bowing prostrate before their master/king, which indicated offering everything they had in order to gain favor of someone you want something from...which is exactly what she's doing when she does that. She feels she's in last place and it's her desperate gambit to get him to pay attention to her and look at her like he used to.]

right know"

[Spelling: now. Also missing closing period]

that went better than I thought'

[Capitalization and punctuation missing]

Oh well shes never happy with me.

[Lots of punctuation missing there: comma after 'well', apostrophe for the contraction in 'she's']

Shampoo led him to a small cliff that was about a 6 foot drop into a river that led to some rapids that led to a waterfall (I'm not sure if thats possible but oh well).

[First: don't put an author's note mid-text, it's bad form, and you should avoid parentheticals whenever possible because even when they're not they look like author's notes. Second: Nerima is well within Tokyo, one of the biggest metropolis regions in the world. There are convenient patches of wilderness that they go to for training, but Rumiko Takahashi cleverly never says that it's really _in_ Nerima, and all implication is that they go quite a ways away. For the purposes of a personal conversation, all they need to do is get away from familiar people and they can do this surrounded by strangers - it happens all the time, although it might sound like an oversimplification, most people in a large city are unfriendly and indifferent - this isn't because of cruelty, it's just because there's too much to try to deal with and so they retract into their own little world. This scene wouldn't need to take place in the middle of no-where literally, that “alone in the middle of no-where” could be surrounded by city folk who are ignoring them.]

"Huh?" this took Ranma by surprise.

[Repetitious]

someone else"Shampoo

[Missing closing punctuation, spacing]

you all I felt was pain,

[I think a comma's missing after 'you']

but now Shampoo know thats not what love is supposed to be."

[Why 'now'? You mean she's just now confronting this idea?]

he loved someone else.

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

If she had meant Akane then she was completely wrong. She was just an uncute tomboy.

[Out of character. I'm no “knight of the true fiancee”, but Ranma lived a life on the road all the way until he stopped at the Tendos. He has a small circle of friends and I think one of the reasons he never comes out and says “I like/love this person” is because he doesn't want to lose the others. They're friends and he doesn't want to lose the already small number of people that are important to him.]

but I need to be know you meant what you said, but I also

[Besides the fact that I can't figure out what this phrasing is supposed to say, this doesn't fit Shampoo's speech patterns.]

really hurted me

[hurt]

As Shampoo began to walk off she noticed she was just a little to close by the edge because while she was walking away she realized that it was slippery and slipped down the cliff.

[Again, it's unlikely that they'd be all the way out of the city. I also repeat (if it wasn't clear before) that with the situation as it is now, Ranma wouldn't leave Shampoo, she walks away from him. He also won't just let her walk away. Her actually departing would be far easier in a city with crowds to hold him up. She could still fall into a canal (and they are dangerous: people drown in canals there just like everywhere else), so I don't see anything being lost by taking a more likely route of them staying in the city. I still think it's unlikely that she'd fall into the canal - like I just said, they can be genuinely dangerous, and if a human can drown you can be sure a cat would. If you _really_ want her to get lost in a river then the Ranma-Shampoo confrontation would have to be longer and involve a long cross-roof chase scene. However, I think that them remaining in an urban setting (the greater Tokyo megalopolis preferably), and you could easily have the well-meaning character find her in a shallower, more accessible part of the canal system later, have Shampoo decide to have her little fling of 'starting over' in another ward of Tokyo, and then change effectively nothing else.]
Ganheim chapter 2 . 12/6/2008
Chapter 1-Heartbreaker

Everything was the usual Akane angry at Ranma,

[That's often, but not a norm. Ranma also has a tendency to speak without thinking and sticking his foot in his mouth; Akane will blame him for things that aren't his fault (it's a stress release mechanism) but he typically causes her anger.]

by the same old lady who seemed to have something against him

[The old lady is using the traditional means of washing her sidewalk, that's why you'll never notice any of the characters cursing her or wondering why she's there, they know why she's there. Of course, Ranma still complains.]

water just incase),

[Spacing]

purpled haired

[Punctuation: purple-haired]

riding her bike full speed about to hit him.

[When she glomps him, she slows and adjusts so she's near him instead of ramming him - which she also does (comic effect, you can tell by the fact that none of the other characters react to it, like they do to Ryouga breaking through walls).]

"Nihoa Airen.

[Spelling: Nihao. Also, 'airen' is just Mandarin for 'beloved', it's not a proper noun.]

yes"

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

as she glomped on him

[Bad grammar: superfluous 'on']

Do we always have to go through this.

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

"Airen so cute when angry"

[Missing closing punctuation]

"IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!

[I get the fact that he's yelling, but that would be much better shown with speech tags (which describe how the dialog is spoken) rather than using long blocks of capitalized text, which isn't pleasant to read).]

Chapter 2-Things to think about.

Shampoo had to stop running. Not because she's tired or couldn't breath but because if she took one more step she would've ended up in the water

[I'm assuming that this means she got to the canal, but it's an extremely circuitous, awkward manner of stating that. I think directly stating something along the lines of 'there's no-where else to go' or something else that explicitly says that she reached to the canal.]

in her neko form.

[Obligatory Japanese]

I'm supposed to be ambitious,

[This reminds me of ' villamar./art/Ranma-Problematic-Children-55976178'.]

Apparently she ran into the woods

[That's contrived. True, the fact that the Saotomes and Tendos repeatedly show up in undeveloped areas far away from civilization is also slightly contrived, but in a comedy (which canon Ranma is) there's more room for that. This is more of a drama, so a more serious take is necessary. However, getting Shampoo far away from Nerima is easy enough: when a character's in a depression, especially if she's been out that far, it's easy to accept her wandering off out of the urban zone. Despite this possibility, it takes quite a while to get from Nerima Ward to the outside of the greater Tokyo city and it's not necessary for her to be out of the city for this decision. My recommendation: have her stop at the canal (which shows up now and again and would be easily believable).]

its not fair.

[it's]

I'm going threw.

[Spelling: through]

but whats the

[what's]

Who know's what they might do.

[Punctuation: knows. Oh, and it's an interrogative but without a question mark]

things to workout.

[work out]

with apoligizing."

[apologizing]

why did she have to be there at that time.

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

Well maybe if I really had to but that would probably never happen.

[That looks like Ranma's saying 'I meant to'. Did you mean 'I'd never want to do that'?]

~sigh~

[When an onomatopoeia (sound word) appears in dialog, that makes me think the person literally says it. I do it often, but that's called 'sarcasm'. To make it clear, I'd close the punctuation and insert a clear narrative detail, whether it's as short as 'he sighs' to something longer like 'he lets out a long, mournful breath']

Could this day get any worse."

[Interrogative missing question mark]

Ranma didn't even have to turn his head to know who it was.

[No, voices are typically pretty distinctive]

"~sigh~

[See above note on 'onomatopoeias']

but just to keep this fight short..." Ranma finally turned around gave him a few hundred punches then kicked him to who-knows-where,

[Ryouga may be good, but Ranma's capable of slipping straight through the Lost Boy's defenses and taking him down with one blow, even kicking him into the stratosphere without a preamble like this. Ranma isn't cruel (well, it could be argued that he is emotionally, but that's because of ignorance and stupidity, not conscious choice), he wouldn't generally give a heavy beating.]

Nekohatten

[Nekohanten]

Before Ranma could say anything Mousse came out of the back and wrapped his chains around Ranma

[Contrived, but the problem is mostly pacing. Mousse is eager to fight Ranma; and his constant hostility and antagonism besides his ability to find Ranma when Ranma's already mad makes him one of the few people Ranma will give a real beating to with any frequency. He also virtually always announces his presence as or before he launches his opening attack. Ranma's also good enough that he dodges the attack, taking grazing blows at best. A dodge or some such partial maneuver that makes the chain a 'sloppy wrap around' at best would be much more like the best Mousse tends to get.]

flick of his rist

[wrist]

my beloved Shampoo."

[Interrogative missing its question mark]

For some reason Mousse calling Shampoo 'his beloved' got him even more ticked off than he already was.

[Slightly OOC: Mousse's pointless antagonism gets Ranma irritated, Ranma knows Mousse has no chance with Shampoo and therefore doesn't feel threatened when Mousse speaks possessively about her (like so).]

who went flying into a convinently placed bucket off cold water.

[That bucket being there purely by convenience looks too contrived; however, it's quite likely that Ranma would have noticed the water and sent Mousse into it intentionally.]

since this morning."

[Ranma would quite probably be concerned about his behavior, but Shampoo doesn't show up enough for it to be likely that he'd go looking for her until after school ends (at the earliest). If you still wanted to use him skipping school to emphasize his concern, then waiting until the next morning would be the best bet. That would also be the best point for Ranma's guilt and concern to grow to a critical mass, besides for the amazons to become concerned - it's possible that she'd be gone for a workday, but questions would be raised if she's not back by night or the next morning.]

Cologne just nodded her head yes.

[Repetition: this isn't India, we know that a nod is an affirmation]

Her and Ranma

[She and Ranma]
The-Jaron chapter 14 . 8/4/2008
nice lttile fic

if it was polished a bit, puctuation, spelling and some sentances reworked

and with some better english in some paragraphs, (more towards the start)

this would be one of my faves

but it just misses out

still an enjoyable read and fun all the way

i love your portrayal of the world of Nerima, and your copius use of sarcasm and commentary

Jaron out

P.S I shall search for a sequel, if i can't find Jaron will be angry

:)
rosechan21 chapter 14 . 1/15/2008
FANTASTIC! I guess I cried a few times. Hope you can make another one like this. It was well worth reading. _
StrictlyFoMyninjas chapter 14 . 10/1/2006
No offense or anything, but it was predictable. The characters were extremely out of character. And it turned out very cheesy might I add.

And you can't just solve the Fiance problem by just telling them.

You'd expect more of a reaction, than what you wrote. Ukyou... well I can see why you made her reaction that way it is, but Akane's? I think it under done. If that makes any sense.

But It did have some good parts. ]
Emina Fujiko chapter 1 . 11/19/2005
You are such a cool author! Please have time and teach me how to make chapters long, I'm planning to make a story called, It will never be, featuring Ranma ans Shampoo! PLANNING!
Jets chapter 14 . 3/17/2005
Man this story was wack, but don't let me cramp your style. lol
Jets chapter 9 . 3/17/2005
Yo, there is too much yelling in your story, it's irritating to readers, if it's possible, could you calm your character's down?
Miguel Angel Dubn chapter 14 . 1/6/2005
I've just finished reading this fic of yours and I gotta say I enjoyed it a lot, you know! First Ranma/Shampoo pairing fic I've read and end up being truly impressed with the plot. And also, your characters, Garland and Zane, were excellent. Although I think Zane should've had a little more action in some parts of the story. But having him K.O. Kodachi was awesome!

Now, I don't mean to bother with this little bit, but your grammar could use some help. If (and only IF) you agree, I could give you a hand and be your beta-reader. If not, well, just forget I even mentioned it.

Let me know when you're gonna start posting the sequel to this fic, OK? Perhaps a good lesson should be teached to Nabiki, since she's one of the most annoying, stinking, double-crossing, back-stabbing creeps I've gotten to watch in any Anime show. And I've watched lots of them. If she wants to play rough, somebody should give her a taste of her own medicine, so she just lays off for good. Heh, maybe Garland should be the one who takes care of her, while Zane deals with Kodachi, who will be back to annoy everyone.

Fact is, how about pairing her with Zane? He might be able to get her to drop the horrible laugh AND her lame poetry. Leaving her, of course, with the rest of her unchanged. Except, maybe, with her leotards. Heck, crazy as she might be, but (SIGH!) she looks DYNAMITE in those outfits, don't you think?
loninpro chapter 14 . 1/3/2005
i really enjoyed your fic, and cant wait for the sequel. its really hard to find sham/ran fanfics that r decent. Usualy out of character to much. Did yukie ever translate shampoos diary?
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