Reviews for Rileah of Lothlorien, V1
Mary Swann chapter 1 . 5/24/2004
Hey Sir Bouncable!
I finally got around to reading your story... it was really good! :) A couple things, though (and please don't take any offense at anything- that's not how I'm trying to come across here!)
1. Rileah, though a really cool character, is an amzing Mary Sue. Not one of the worst, but definately a Mary Sue... and while some people can pull off a great story with Mary Sues, I think its better to steer clear from them. She's far from believable. She's absolutely perfect, and falls for an absolutely perfect guy who loves her back. Which is used much too often. Try something original... how about you give Rileah some sort of quirk? It can be anything from claustrophobia to a disease- be creative! ;)
2. There were a couple spelling and grammatical errors, but I won't mention any ones in particuler... however, I will mention the Elvish mistakes I noticed (and I know you wrote this all from memory blah blah blah, but its just a couple things) 'havo dad' is 'sit down,' not 'habi dad,' and 'farewell' is 'namaarie' (I can't get the accents to work at the moment- ahh!), not 'numarie'
3. If you copy and paste the story onto a Notepad instead of Microsoft Word, the sentences won't be all jammed together. I highly recommend fixing it, cause when its all jammed together it gets kinda hard to read.
and 4. The story goes kinda fast... I recommend solidly establishing the different characters before you have them fall madly in love... and I know its hard, I'm trying to fix that in my story at the moment too, but I think it could be so much better!
Well, overall it was a great story- I'm off to read your next one! :)
Moo,
~Burrito
allison chapter 1 . 4/21/2004
Yo- i heard about your issues with formatting your stories- i can help you with that. It makes it hard to read. Your grammar and spelling are good. Keep going!
pippergurl chapter 1 . 1/7/2004
YAY! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO... HEY! ME! YAY! I LOVE ELVES! I LOVE ARAGORN! I LOVE LEGOLAS! ok. im calm now. Rileah is so awesome. ok, i gtg now. u BETTER update my christmas present soon!
Michelle chapter 1 . 1/6/2004
I understand that this is your first piece of fanfiction, but there are some formatting issues I would like to clear up first, as some of this is a bit difficult to read. One of the things you should have here is a new line for dialogue. If you look in a book, you'll notice that each bit of dialogue starts with a new line.
There are also some other inaccuracies here. I realize that her relationship with other characters is fictional, but there are a lot of existing relationships that you should be aware of before inserting a character into a family.
If Haldir is her father, then she has two uncles, Rumil and Orophin. Galadriel is not related to Haldir, her four brothers are Finrod, Orodreth, Angnor and Angrod, all of whom are dead and only one of which has a daughter (Finduilas). And last of all, Elrond is Galadriel's son-in-law. His brother's name is Elros (his twin brother). Elros is an ancestor of Aragorn and chose to be human a long time ago, before the creation of the One Ring.
The grammar and the spelling are both fairly good, and the writing as well. A little more consideration for canon and format and it'd be much improved.
A question though. Why is it that all the Elvish here is Sindarin, yet the word Namarie (which is Quenya) is used?