|Reviews for Together At Last|
| Dark Beloved of Light chapter 3 . 6/13/2004
hey sounds good to me plz cont.
| Dark Beloved of Light chapter 3 . 4/17/2004
Hmm sounnds cool so far. I can picture Yami adopting a child and naming him/her his heir. Can't wait for the next chapter.
| Jellybob 15 chapter 3 . 3/14/2004
This is good so far, though Seto kind of freaks me out. Don't ask me why though. LOL, well keep it up. You're doing a fine job.
| Jellybob 15 chapter 1 . 3/14/2004
Finally got time to read one of your fics. Well, the intro is very good so far. *goes to next chapter*
| Deleted Pen Name chapter 3 . 3/13/2004
I like this story so far. Upload soon-
| jadesshadow chapter 3 . 3/7/2004
Great Chap I hope that u update soon.
~She Wolf Demon~
| Namonaki chapter 1 . 2/14/2004
I like this story..and..um..I'd like ya to continue...LOL..yeah...YAMI/YUUGI 4EVER DAMNIT
| K-316 chapter 2 . 2/4/2004
nice..Very nice Lauren,keep up the good work,JA NE! _
| Matt Morwell chapter 2 . 1/23/2004
All right, the first chapter looks a bit better. I hope you won't take my criticisms too harshly, as I'm simply speaking as one writer to another.
So far, the plot's relatively believable. There have been instances (Moses, among the most well-known) where the Pharaoh has taken in a child and raised it to be his own. I haven't yet seen a real conflict to speak of, but then again, these are only the first two chapters of the story, and my own big stories tend to progress slowly; building a plot takes time, as you well know. So I'll wait patiently for that. Take it at your own pace and don't rush yourself.
I say that because I sense just the slightest bit of rush through the various scenes. As if you'd like to get them done and move on to the next one before your audience gets bored. There's some merit to this mentality, of course, but it's also nice to see some time taken to reveal more about the world in which the characters live. Tell us about what Karania sees, what her perspective is, as it's the most important one to this story. Make the pace something you feel comfortable with. And if this pace is what you find comfort in, that's okay, too. Just make sure to give us a little insight into what Karania is thinking and feeling, not just doing. Give us a hint as to her motivation.
All right. That's all from me for now, but I'm looking forward to what else you can bring out for this story. I'll keep my eye out.
| Matt Morwell chapter 1 . 1/21/2004
Though this isn't exactly the type of story I tend to favor, I'll try very hard not to give you a biased review. Still, the review system is meant to submit criticisms and suggestions, so here goes:
As a major point, I think there should be more detail to the story. It's hard to find that happy balance between not having enough and having so much that you can't get through the scene. Where are we being taken? What streets is she racing through? What alleys? What are the features of the areas about her? Are other people around? Things of this nature would provide the sort of detail to keep readers interested.
Also, having descriptions of what Karania is feeling would be great accents to the story. How does she feel when she sees the Pharaoh's guards chasing after her, along with the bullies? What's she feeling as she's being led to the Pharaoh's throne room and made to stand before the man everyone considers to be Ra-Incarnate? Does she feel anything for her tormentors as they're thrown out of Egypt?
I'd also like to know about Karania's features. These are, I believe, what ensnared the Pharaoh's attention. What does she look like? And don't say it just through describing her - "Karania was 5 feet, 4 inches, and had long black hair." Use indirect ways to describe her and her surroundings. "Karania's long, dark hair swept about her petite frame as she made her way down the ornate halls of the palace." It's sometimes tough to do this, but these are techniques that I put to use, and they also do quite well at grabbing my attention.
Another thing is that, as another reviewer mentioned, you should use more variety in the way you describe things. Such as, "the bullies." Probably they're not just bullies, which means that you've got all sorts of words you can apply to them. Try to find a few synonyms - if all else fails, perhaps you could use a thesaurus, an awesome tool. I use one myself on frequent occasion when I'm stuck on a word.
Okay, that's my review for this chapter. Now I'm going to go read the next one.
| Time Mage chapter 2 . 1/21/2004
OK, is this one of those stories about the past, or will it transition to the future (I NEED Duels!)? Otherwise it's a good story. The main thing right now is that you need a variety in speech. They actually woudn't be called "Bullies" for example, but criminals, theafs, murderers, etc. Just try to not called them the same thing each time. That's all.
| Time Mage chapter 1 . 1/21/2004
OK, I'll give you both sides of the review. On the one side, a good capture of many of the smaller laws of ancient Egypt and the fact that you could be killed in the streets for small reasons.
NOw for a bit of bad stuff: I think a bit more detail is needed to help one understand where this is. Also, those guards probably would have slaughtered those crooks instantly. There are other small points I could make, but they can be let go of. Just keep me posted on how this all goes. See ya.
| jadesshadow chapter 2 . 1/20/2004
Hey I can't wait to see what her princess classes are like. I hope you update soon.
~She Wolf Demon~
| jadesshadow chapter 1 . 1/12/2004
Hey this looks good so far I can't wait until you update.
~She Wolf Demon~