|Reviews for The Heat is On|
| BrennaCullen chapter 1 . 5/6/2004
Hey, It's Risma here (I know weird nickname but it's mine) anyway... I think that your story is really awesome... I can't wait to read more from you
| heartnut chapter 1 . 1/16/2004
This storyline is appalling. It's very unbelieveable, and shows that you wrote it over a period of a day. If you need help with this kind of thing, you need to join WIKTT and ask one of the writers to be your editor/beta-reader. Trust me, I know how hard it is to write when you're starting out, and that it can be frustrating when you thought your story was a great idea, but it turns out it isn't even readable or understandable.
It's really easy to tell that you haven't done research enough into the characters of Hermione and Snape to make the characters believable. That's the hardest thing to do, but if you don't do it, then your story will fail every time.
Things you need to work on with your editor: grammar, spelling, plot continuity, characterizations, plot believability.
| MoonAssassin chapter 1 . 1/15/2004
Hey great fic! LUV IT! you need to make a sequel
| Dahlia chapter 1 . 1/15/2004
Okay. First off, your grammar is...appalling. Colons, semi-colons, commas and periods are your friends, but only if you know how to use them properly. Read as many novels as you can - it'll help, believe me. If English is not your first language, then I apologise for being so harsh...I'm a grammar Nazi, and I tend to foam at the mouth when faced with bad punctuation.
Second, characterisation. There is none. And this is just at the beginning of the story. All the characters are flat, completely 2-dimensional, and painfully American. And why did Hermione, out of the blue, suddenly think Snape was handsome? He's not, actually. He's a generally ugly, mean, sadistic bastard, which is WHY we love him.
Third, plot. Because I find this story painful, and because I think you honestly need some truthful feedback, this may take a while.
-Again with Hermione's sudden lust for Snape. Not believable, and cheap way out of actually building a relationship.
-Why are there only the major canon characters in Advanced Potions? Surely there'd be some Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, at the very least, not to mention a few more assorted Slytherins. They adore Snape, remember?
-Why is Hermione the only female animagus in years? What's the reason for it? I'd think a lot of people would be interested in trying it out.
-'Nov.' is not a word. 'November', however, is.
-Again, punctuation is your friend. Run-on sentences are not. They make the reader's eyes bleed. Profusely. All over the keyboard. And since the reader's eyes are bleeding, they are unable to find the tissues, because they are blinded by blood.
-Okay, you've explained Hermione & Snape worked together, so perhaps that could be an explanation as to why she began to be attracted to him. But that explanation should go at the beginning of the story, as background into for readers. I get the feeling you just stuck that bit in as you were writing, to justify their closeness, and use of eachother's first names, which brings me to...
-Snape is still a professor, and Hermione still a student. While they are in school, I'm pretty certain she would address him as either 'Professor' or 'Sir', and he would call her 'Miss Granger', regardless of a previous working relationshp. Yes, the first name basis can be in private, but they could easily be overheard in the library. A bit too forced to be believable.
-Snape's being awfully friendly. This is Snape, remember. Even if he has friends, he's probably not very nice to him, since he's a Snarky Bastard. It's what he does. He is Not Nice. Work on characterisation. If you wanted a nice, approachable prof, you should have written a Lupin/Hermione fic...would've made more sense with the wolf thing and all.
-And when did Snape become charming, especially with McGonagall? Whenever we've seen them interacting in the books, they're either competing, bickering, or baiting each other.
-Um...I'm no expert, but I don't think that when female animals go into heat, they actually get hot. And the only time human women experience hot flashes are when they're going through menopause.
-It's spelt "Fawkes", not "Faukes"
-Snape and a painting changing. Huh? I presume it's something to do with Snape keeping an eye on Hermione, and charming a painting to represent her, so he could see what she's doing...but you forgot to explain that bit before.
-When a person is an animagus, it's an all or nothing deal. So how could Hermione's eyes be silver in human form? For that matter, wolves generally have golden eyes, not silver.
-In general, it seems like a pretty big stretch to believe that an animagus' animal form could influence their human form that much, especially in regards heat and mating. I can't see it striking many mature readers as believable.
-Animals don't HAVE to mate when in heat. It's not like they die, or suffer severe pain. So even if Hermione was in heat, she wouldn't have to mate. She'd be bitchy (excuse the pun) and horny for a week or two, then she'd get over it.
-Erm, they're both silver wolves? That's...cheesy. Very very cheesy. And almost sickeningly romantic. As in I'd-kill-myself-but-my-eyes-are-bleeding-too-much-to-find-a-point-object-sickening.
-Wolves don't pin eachother. Have you heard of the expression 'doggy-style'? Think about it. A male wolf will mount the female from behind, penetrate her, thrust and jiggle till he ejaculates, and then, provided he doesn't get his ball-lump-thingy on his penis (so other wolves can't mount the female afterwards...evolutionary thingy) stuck inside the female, that'll be it.
-Snape calls Hermione 'love' after boinking her? And they're declaring their undying love for eachother? All of a sudden, sexlove. This is news to me. And by the way, EW! She's a student, under his tutilage and, to some degree, power and control. That's very, very unsettling and icky.
-Why do they only have one bite mark each? Some twisted symbolism? That strikes me as odd and, again, cheesy and overly romantic.
...All in all...nothing. Nothing redeeming. The spelling is terrible. The grammar is terrible. The characterisations are atrocious. The plot is painful. Yes, I'm being harsh, and I don't know anything about you. I get the impression English is not your first language, and that you're probably pretty young. That's okay. My suggestion to you is to read more, live more, and before you write anything, anything you want to be taken seriously, research, research, research. Yes, this is pretty much a not-nice review. I'd be pretty unhappy if I got it. But, I've been trying to tell you exaclty what you've done wrong, and what you need to work on to correct it. I'm truly sorry if it came across as harsh, but I'm hoping you can perhaps take it in, learn something, and become a better writer.
| Moony's Angel chapter 1 . 1/15/2004
Oh my god. that was SO class :D Well done!
| annie-girl chapter 1 . 1/15/2004
your grammer was HORRIBLE! too many run-ons and other kindergarten mistakes. show some dedication.
| RipperBlackstaff chapter 1 . 1/15/2004
I find your story very good ! I'd like to translate it in French. Could it be possible ?
My email is Marjorieloze (remove the spaces )May you put "Translation" as subject ? I don't want to delete it by accident.
Hope to hear of you soon.
Ripper de la Blackstaff