|Reviews for Loss and Redemption|
| peregrine829 chapter 10 . 6/11/2006
An absolutely amazing story! 11/10 You made me see a side of Motoko which before I could not even picture imagining. What's more, as out-of-character as her actions are, it still seems not only plausible, but right, somehow. I plan on reading the sequel as soon as I finish this sentence.
| Antoniusan chapter 10 . 6/5/2006
Brilliant work! I can without any doubt or hesitation say that this is the best fanfiction I have ever read. Keep up the incredibly good work!
| rex arcia chapter 10 . 5/22/2006
you bastard you planned this well is was a good story and leaves you with many possibilities to continue and i have to say one more time you bastard
| saiyan prince1 chapter 10 . 3/17/2006
hey great story, you did a very good job, wondering if you have choosen to make another one after this yet. If you can please let me know, that would be great. you can mail me through the member profile. thanks
| Reinjuuken chapter 10 . 3/16/2006
This has been an awesome story. Props for a great plot! _
| Sum9 chapter 10 . 3/8/2006
First of all, I think you should know that I came to read this story on the recommendation of Random1377 for whom you preread "Steel Rose." Just so that you know that word-of-mouth is just as good an advertisement as any.
To your story, I'd like to touch on the strengths and challenges.
First of all, your source knowledge is astounding and flexible to demonstrate such a wide variety of metaphor, simile, and allegory when trying to show the reader what the characters were feeling at different moments (Naru and sodium pentethol? lol), although you may have used that condemned man and the governer's reprieve comment too much(more than once I feel). It is a gift that many writers are challenged to duplicate in their careers/hobbies, so that is a great strength you demonstrated with Loss.
Next, the dialogue was great. Great depth, vocabulary, and variety.
Another good point was that you did a good job referring back to the events in the history of this story when certain characters were saying one thing or another of importance to the plot, such as Keitaro's conversations with Motoko and Tsuruko in particular.
In regards to some of the challenges, firstly, I think that the story played out rather sappily and in too similar a fashion to some melodramatic finale for The Bachelor during the time that Naru returned all the way up until Keitaro's decision. The biggest unavoidable weakness in this is that it made for a rather generic love-triangle that I could see at 2:00pm on any network station if I wanted. When Naru walked out on Keitaro, I think that you should have made that the deciding point in how things worked out for the three of them. Naru was a smart girl, but I don't take her for desperate, so when she and Motoko talked with fists, it didn't feel real anymore.
I'm not saying I could have written a better story, but when Keitaro made his decision in front of everybody like that, it felt like two people were put on stage and selected randomly for some lottery prize. Sure, you explained it well with great dialogue after that, but by then that disatisfaction was already there. I think what would have remedied that was if the rest of the cast wasn't around. I really think Keitaro would have wanted to protect the girls' dignity and save them the horrible humiliation of being rejected in front of everyone by saying his piece in privacy(since none of the outside cast did anything help Keitaro decide one way or the other).
Next, because her presence wasn't a noticeable factor in the story, I think that giving Shinobu an entire chapter was pointless. You probably remember that half of the chapter was simply a retelling of the events that'd happeneded so far (Hey, if I knew you were gonna do that, I woulda started at 8! :P), but then I judged correctly that since Shinobu's defeat chapter was only one behind the concluding chapter that she was going to aquiesce, so I decided to just speed read through it and see if anything stood out. Nothing did. In the future, I'd strongly recommend avoiding chapters devoted to characters that dont' have a strong presence in the story. Keep it simpler. Oh yeah, and on subject of simple...
I'd encourage you to avoid reminding the reader of certain facts over and over and over again. This became most blatantly obvious with how many times I was reminded that it was a "marriage." I got the idea the first time. Unless the subject touches into the characters' dialogue, you ought to just avoid it altogether. We're smart enough to put the pieces together, bro, and besides, it's fun when I as a reader am being challenged to put the pieces together myself. Like I said above, you "showed" me how people felt, I'd encourage you to show me the facts once. You will save a lot of time doing this.
One last challenge that I'd like to mention is similar to the one above, just on a different branch. You don't need to say why characters were feeling a certain way whenenver there is a change in their emotions as often as you did. As I said above, challenge us as readers, and we will put the pieces together.
Anyway, on the whole, I loved reading this story. I always felt that Motoko and Keitaro were the best couple dynamic to work with, since their personalities make for what Jung called a duality (Perfect couple).
I'll read Aftermath shorlty. Thanks for the story, guy.
| Sushi and Sashimi chapter 10 . 3/8/2006
Hey. Sushi and Sashimi here. Well, I'm from the games department, so why the hell am I in the anime department? Well, I have to say, although I'm a new fan to Love Hina...
I SALUTE YOU!
This is a really great fic, and sad to say, really rare to find someone with a talent as you, the way you put the love situation. Hope u paste the whole version here though. I'm currently NOT writing, especially since the incident that happened to one of my fics. I'm really looking 4ward to your sequel. More power, good luck, and God bless.
| Alexander Williams chapter 1 . 3/5/2006
WTF?, this is really weird but kinda cool, Motoko the emotionless doll good idea.
| Sk8er7 chapter 10 . 3/2/2006
wow! i cant wait to read the sequel! nice ending. it was very surprising. no offense to naru, but i prefer motoko...
| Freeze chapter 10 . 2/16/2006
I used to be a solid Naru/Keitaro fan, but this was one of the best stories I've ever read. Keep up the awesome writing!
| Eson chapter 10 . 1/14/2006
Excellent, I oould see why Random asks for you to preread Steel Rose. Nice work, since the story is over a year old, forgive me for only reviewing the last chapter.
| vegeto18 chapter 10 . 12/11/2005
*WARNING! LONG REVIEW!*
Wow. Just wow. this is what roughly 1 year and 6 months old and it is still getting great reveiws. Imust say that you have done a brilliant job on this. This is one awesome alterante universe if Tsuroko won in the first place. There is so much character development. Before I praise more I will go into some criticism (it builds character live with it):
Su and Sarah didn't have much involvement. Iunderstand the theme of it all but some more randomness would've been nice. Sarah's is good for the "normal" character since she is too young to understand the situation. Su however could've been a bit more deeper. Though she would be her zany self as usual, she definetly had the right to ask innocent questions to Motoko like current status of the marriage, how is her feelings, what is going on, etc.
Haruka didn't have much spot light eithier. In the circumstance Motoko and Keitaro were in, Haruka would have been perfect to be played as a councilor for Keitaro, Motoko, and Naru. After all, she did have a similar fate with Seta and Sarah's mom.
Tamago was mentioned a couple times, but then again what would he be able to do?
Promise girl and Toudai. Those were the main themes of the story. Aside from the love triangle. Some mentioning and contemplation on those two subjects vs. Motoko's training would be nice. No offense but they were completely dropped from Keitaro's mind the moment he was wedded to her. There was mentioning of regret for breaking his promise for the girl and Toudai. Just a thought you know.
Don't think I'm against you. What I am doing is trying to be as thorough as possible so every detail left out would be noticed
Now for the praises
Story - This has been a very rich and detailed story. That pre-reading helped you. A lot. Barely any grammar/spelling mistkes. Plus it helped viewers see the story. It was as if I was reading an AU Love Hina manga. You are the second person that I have said this to: If Ken Akamatsu decided to create AU volumes of Love HIna for "what whould happen if this happens" scenario, yours is perfect to supply him a AU story.
Characters - This is the greatest thing I have read. Tons of character development and all accurate to story. Shinobu was awesome. She didn't play much because she wasn't the main character but enough to be teh supporting character. What made her vital was that scene you had of her burying her feelings for Keitaro and use that for future use for Naru.
Mutsumi didn't get enough air time to play her full affects of the ditzy girl but she had enough air time to be Naru's supporter. I like how she ended up living in Motoko's room and consoling her heart-broken friend.
Kitsune was the best supporting character. She bascially filled in the reader a neutral look of the love triangle and was perfect as councilor for Naru. Having a neutral character is good to help those who are confused.
Tsuroko was not bad in the beginning. What made me dislike her (not hate) was that she played cupid with no one's permission. She probably knew Naru's and Keitaro's relationship and continued with it. I'm not mad about the outcome of Keitaro and Motoko. I'm mad was that she played with people's lives as if they were puppets. Even if the outcome has happy ending, it doesn't give one the right to force those to achieve that ending before the happily agree to it.
Now for the main characters. Naru was tried and true to her role. This situation not only showed her the side we all know and love but it also fast-forwarded her feelings to Keitaro whereas the actual manga took forever to do so. Her emotions were well played and relating her circumtance to real life is what makes one sympathize towards her. The part the fully showed her love towards Keitaro was that she was willing to have sex with Keitaro in the hot springs and then when that failed, fight Motoko for her right of Keitaro's affections.
Keitaro was also tried and true to his character. there was no save-the-day guy , sauve-playboy guy, or even the legendary I'm-actually-stronger-than-anyone guy. Keitaro played as Keitaro. He was the weak and caring guy whose only strength was that he overcame obstacles with his sheer determination of making those happy at the cost of his own. Not only that, the torture he had to go through seeing two women fight for him was magnificent.
And last but not least, Motoko. She was played very well through out the story. Descriptions of her physically, mentally, and emotionally were superb. The way you wrote her allowed me to see her side that see rarely shows. Her feminity. There were a lot of hot-n-heavy scenes which I enojyed and reminded me that she still female. The thing I wanted to see more was her warrior side. That was shown a couple of times (first training with Keitaro and fight with Naru). I was hoping for various training activities and see that stern, serious attitude of hers when the sword was the subject.
I liked the lemon you included on the other site. Not too porno like a doujin. Just the right amount for newly weds. The ending was perfect as well. It was the perfect place to set a cliffhanger for ending a series and then start a sequel later on. I also like the roof scene where Motoko almost performed hara-kari but was stopped by Keitaro. That was the pinnalce and most important scene to build their relationship. Awesome on how you did it. Lastly is that I was well pleased of the overall tie-ins of each scene. The story wasn't a slap job and each event was vital somwhere.
I can go on and on about praising you. With that, I will leave a summary of all that I have said and then a rating:
If Ken Akamatsu decided to create AU volumes of Love HIna for "what whould happen if this happens" scenario, yours is perfect to supply him a AU story.
| Karuteru chapter 10 . 11/24/2005
wow... i loved it! dunno what else to say, very nice work.
| Bluezone777 chapter 2 . 11/11/2005
I was told by fayte angel to check this story out and wow is all I can say. you did a fablous job with what I have written so far and judging by the 298 reviews says a lot in how well written and entertaining this fic is. if you like you can join my fanfiction forum where you can post up all the fics that you write and I also accept lemon stories as well so you can have a place where you can post your lemons as well as your regular fanfics as well as help out with breaking writer's block and getting help with writing any future fanfics since it neveer hurts to ask for a little help. change . and the (slash) to /. the web site address is: .com(slash)BZ_fanfiction_studio(slash)
hope to see you there and I will finish reading this story.
Bluezone triple 7 of the Dark Icon Writers
| steamedporkbun chapter 10 . 11/3/2005
That was a really great read! I enjoyed it from beginning to end! It was nicely written. There are a lot of details, but not too many. The dialogue is good. And everyone is pretty much in-character, I believe. I'll go check out the sequel right now. Nice work!