|Reviews for At the Still Point|
| MidnightWhisper7 chapter 1 . 9/24/2006
I didn't realize that this was about that little scene. I really think that the game designers overlooked a lot there. I always thought Brother was kind of charming, even with all his eccentricities, but that won me over too. I just would have liked more of a conclusion.
| Samuraiter chapter 1 . 8/30/2004
This will be the first of my reviews to use my new (CPESHO) system. For each criterion (except Heart, which gets either a positive or a negative), I will award a rank (F, E, D, C, B, A, or S), and I am very stingy when it comes to the high ranks. Most authors are going to fall between F (failing) and C (average). This particular review is up to date as of the original version (Chapter 1, not quite a one-shot) of the story.
CHARACTER - B
The important question to ask when it comes to a short scene like this is, "Can I see this happening in the context of the game?" The answer is that I can. Yuna and Brother are both accurately portrayed, and the addition of the secondary characters in the scene (Barkeep, Calli, and Precious) helps to set them off well. I also applaud the use of different languages and dialects, which accurately reflects the ways in which these characters communicate.
PLOT - C
You are not trying to write a large epic in this piece, and plot is, therefore, not as important to it as it might be to one of those massive FFX-3 stories. By explaining where your scene fits, you do give the reader appropriate context, and that is all that you need to establish plot.
EMOTION - C
The emotional content of the scene is very restrained, but it is true to how the characters might act under these circumstances. Yuna has to put up a false front, and Brother is, well, Brother. The fact that you are not portraying Brother as a complete fool is a welcome change from the way he is normally portrayed / victimized.
STYLE - C
- 'a while' in place of 'awhile'
- Capitalize 'Farplane'
- Do not use 'here, now, this, these' in past tense narration
- 'don't mean to be, Yuna' in place of 'don't mean to be Yuna'
- 'realize' in place of 'realise' (unless you are British)
- 'take it from there' in place of 'take it for there'
- 'used to be able to, you know' in place of 'used to be able to you know'
- 'Well, you, you -' in place of 'Well you... you...'
HEART - :-)
This is one of those things that is not easy to explain. You either have it ... or you do not. You do, hence the smiley.
OVERALL - B
You said before that, while this works as a one-shot, you intend to expand it to roughly five or six chapters. Honestly, you could leave it the way it is and have it work perfectly, but I am interested in seeing where you might take it. Your style is very simple and clean, and you are capable of staying in-character, which gives you the necessary edge for taking this piece to the next level. Congratulations on a good effort, and keep writing.
| trimurti chapter 1 . 5/29/2004
I really like this story. The mood throughout it is very...affectionate, somehow. It's so easy to characterize Brother as a very...odd guy, so this look at a less spastic Brother is very nice indeed. And I really liked that scene in the cabin when it appears in the game, so I'm especially happy that someone moved past the whole 'OMG, but they're cousins!' factor and wrote something as nice as this. Plus, I liked the focus on Yuna's Al Bhed heritage. Very nicely done, and easily a story that can leave a person smiling afterwards.
| SnoOza chapter 1 . 2/5/2004
sweet! that's all i can say. very well-written, with just the right touch of sentimentalism. i haven't been up to stage 5 yet *hangs head* so i haven't seen the scene. i'll keep a lookout for it though!
| Sirea the Beautiful Disaster chapter 1 . 2/1/2004
It doesn't creep you out that Brother and Yuna are first cousins?
| SparkleUnidog chapter 1 . 2/1/2004
Hey, you're right. This part of the game is cute. You update soon, kay?