Reviews for I Close the Book on this Dark Chapter
MJP chapter 6 . 9/1/2004
Ah, some good ol' FoM action. I like.

If I might offer some constructive criticism, your paragraphs are a little long. It was pretty bad like that in the first chapters, but you started splitting things up with a little more dialogue here. That's a good strategy. I'd like to see the paragraphs expand a little more into seperate thoughts and paragraphs; when one action is complete, that should be another para.

All in all, though, I'm looking forward to more. I appreciate the warning about the self-insertion; so long as Gary Stuing is avoided, I think it's safe to classify this as an OC rather than an SI.
AnotherOdjn chapter 5 . 7/22/2004
Well, I have to agree with you on the music selection. Loud, angry, and preferably fast stuff is usually best for combat scenes. However, I've never heard of your selections, but in my case I tend to use stuff like Funker Vogt, Front 242, VNV Nation, and Velvet Acid Christ. Probably haven't heard of my selections either, so, heh, we're even. _

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Anyway, the action is pretty good, I have to admit. The only problem is that so far, the story has leapt right into the plot without much exposition. I'm still not entirely sure what's going on, which is a little bit of stumbling block. Not only that, but there hasn't been much characterization on "Sam" so far. For a discerning action-reader, this is good, but in the long run it's probably a better idea to touch on more of what's going on.

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Otherwise, there isn't much else to complain about. You have actual legible typing, something I'm eternally grateful for, and enough talent to put forward an enjoyable enough read so far. It's just that there's always more to a story that you can tell - think about it that way.

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And that's an interesting angle using the last name of your favorite singer for an OF. I take it he's European, perhaps? It sure is a nice change of pace from Egyptian gods and goddesses. -_- I would try that myself, but for one, it really doesn't fit my story style and for another, the only worthwhile name is "Kastel" from Jens Kastel of Funker Vogt. _ Somehow, that one doesn't have such a nice ring to it...

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Anyway, keep going, but consider delving into things other than advancing the plot. Take a little time out for the characters or perhaps to set things up a little more. It'll make it a little easier to get into.
AnotherOdjn chapter 3 . 4/9/2004
Phew...finally got around to reading some other ZOE stuff. After the April Fools fiasco and posting the real 26, I got kind of busy...and, well, I was busy even before that. _
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Anyway, so far it's kind of interesting... I like the inclusion of I.D.O. Mindflow; I always considered pilot-mech fusions to be pretty damn cool, personally.
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However, there isn't much going on and that might be due to limited chapter size. Where's BIS and all the others? When does the ass-kicking begin? Overall, where's the plot? O_o
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I dunno, take your time if you want, I'm just being anxious. -_-
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And while I'm at it, here's a basic run-down of Marty Stus. They're usually blatant self-inserts and are rather shallow as characters. Not much thought is usually put into them, resulting in a poorly constructed character that just has a bunch of randomly chosen things about them meant to be cool or milk sympathy with. Like a previous review pointed out, they usually hog every single speck of the glory and more often than not they easily fit in with the main cast and are seen as trusted friends (or love interests) with barely or no real talent put into making it happen. And...yeah, sometimes they're the most powerful beings alive or have the l33test mecha of them all, but personally I overlook that stuff if there's a good enough reason. I'm more interested in the actual character of the...character; I'm a characterization-obsessee myself, I just can't stand to read or write without making the cast lifelike.
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But nothing has really happened so far to indicate much; as said, things are going too slowly to make any real opinions. As usual, good luck and keep going; I support any and all Fist of Mars fiction that seems worthy, after all, it's my favorite little slice of the ZOE universe.
Shinigami chapter 3 . 4/6/2004
Hmm, everything is looking good, so keep it up!
PS A Gary Stu is when an author self-inserts themself into a fic but gives themselves god-like powers (ie being the only one able to control the most powerful mech/weapon, etc.)
kjir09 chapter 1 . 3/4/2004
I worry whenever a self-insert fiction comes out. Well, whatever the case, my commentary is pretty much Silvace's commentary. You would do well to pay his advice much close attention.
AnotherOdjn chapter 1 . 3/3/2004
Not a bad start. Just enough to keep someone fairly interested, at the least.
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However, you're aware that there's two endings to Fist of Mars, right? It all depends on if you destroy more Unmanned's than the Mars Angels in Scene 12 or not. If you did, you got the "good" ending where basically Ares is the final pilot of Iblis. If you didn't, you got the "bad" ending where basically Myona is the final pilot of Iblis. That's the best way I can put it without spoiling anything.
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Meanwhile, what's this about Amante piloting Nephtys? Nephtys was piloted by the Viola A.I...that is, unless I'm catching a hint at it being mass-produced or something. Either that, or Amante has the prototype and the Viola A.I. uses the mass-produced kind later (seeing as it just kept *%*#* ($'ing coming back). Well, whatever, a moot point.
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Alright, so you admit to blatant self-insertion; big deal. As long as "Samuel" here doesn't go off and be a Marty Stu, I can perfectly overlook that. I'm actually quite interested in this "Proteus" thing. I once saw a MIDI voice bank module named the same thing. O_o
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Anyway, enough rambling. Good job on the presentation; no spelling goofs, no incomprehendable grammar, and for the love of God, you actually paragraph! Hooray!
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However, there isn't enough for me to comment on the story itself or the characters (sigh), so I'll just leave it at this being a good start. Good luck and keep going; I want to see more Fist of Mars fiction, it's a great game and deserves fiction as well. It also has one of my personal favorite casts ever, so do the characters justice, if you'd please. _