|Reviews for Rough Road|
| glory02 chapter 4 . 3/24/2004
I just read it and ... Im rather confused, about the time thing, that is pretty weird and I do not like how everybody, especially TC, fusses over Emilee, I mean shes like ... uhm in her 20s right and they treat her like shes a teenager.
... and to add something to Maartjes list: when they are talking to the board why does the board always say only Emilees first name, when the do say Officer Granger, wouldnt it be more real when they said Officer Callaway?
| Chiquinta chapter 3 . 3/24/2004
I'm sorry but I really can't get into this story. It's just so confusing.
| Maartje chapter 4 . 3/22/2004
Hm, I think Matthew has something to do with Chris, he's adopted and his father is a pilot, sounds familiar... But then I am obsessed with Chris.
Is english your first language? There aren't a lot of spelling mistakes but some of the grammar is a bit mixed up (as far as I can tell).
Thank you for clearing the time-line up a bit, it is still completely impossible but the main thing is that now we know how it came to pass :)
There were a few things that caught my attention:
"This might be Matthew the transfer."
What do you mean? Is Emilee introducing Matthew to Jessup, is Jessup commenting on Matthew's presence? I don't undertsnad :(
"Yes well, you talked to Russ... in something"
So Jessup knows Russ did something but decides to go after Emilee because of TC... Wouldn't she go after Russ as well? It wouldn't look good for TC to again have a misbehaving officer under his command.
"Emilee, I never meant to hurt you. I still care about you as a friend and I know that I screwed up." I assume Russ said this.
So in chapter 1 he is an enormous prick trying to convince her it isn't over and now, maybe a day later, he's all understanding and friendly?
I don't think you characterized Russ right and now he looks like he is suffering from some bipolar disease :P
Chapter 3: (mistakenly named 4) Chris and TC talk, and what do they talk about? Emilee, and nothing else. That bugged me, even parents have a life out-side of their children.
Of course Emilee would never have been stationed under her dad but that's overlookable.
"Emilee, I'm going to be there and so is Cory. You have nothing to be afraid of"
Isn't it a little hurtful to Chris not to mention her? She is the girl's stepmom.
"As her lieutenant is your job as her father even affected the way you treat her?"
Though I can see what you mean with it that sentence just doesn't make sense.
"So you didn't do anything about trying to have them transferred?" I expect the prosecutor is asking the questions? Then why didn't he ask further and ask if TC would be able to transferr anyone? His marriage to Chris makes him look like a hypocrite if he does just that. The prosecutor could argue was being manipulated by his daughter and the wish to protect her from harm and keep her close to him.
"This board finds Emilee Callaway guilty in following protocol in the line of duty."
Uhm.. Following protocol is a good thing, and to find her guilty of anything, shouldn't they at least charge her with it first? How else can she defend herself properly?
"Dad, can I go with Matthew? I promise that I'll be home later."
She's what 22? Why is she asking her dad's permission to go out? I mean, letting him know is good and all, but asking? Why does she live with them anyway?
"relax Dad." ... either of them.
Why doesn't she just call him TC? Calling him Dad reminds me of really old people who call each other mother and father. And as I said earlier, TC can't transferr anyone for fraternizing because he is doing it himself.
"And all I'm trying to do is be her father and boss at the same time."
Well now you know why that would never happen.
And can I just say that they don't get assigned partners? They switch just about everyday.
"I understand that you... same things."
So he doesn't want to date her? If so let him just go out and say it, makes things easier. If he does want to date her, why tell her he doesn't want a relationship? And what things are they thinking about?
"I got kicked out of the military for going in with my team with no back-up and I got pissed off and punched him. I was discarded."
Punched who? And you first say he was kicked off and then that he was discarded, which is basically the same thing so no need to say it twice in two sentences.
"You can't be an only child?"
and why not?
Wow, this has become quite the list, but please please don't let that discourage you. I am not trying to be harsh as Brina put it I just want you to know what I think. And I think you can improve greatly and then the world will be another great writer richer :)
again, mail me if you have any questions. (or just want to yell at me for being annoying ;)
| rasta-baby03 chapter 1 . 3/16/2004
i am not going to be as harsh as some of the others because i know what it feels like to start off anew. not bad for first story, however i just couldnt really get it into it. alot of the dialogue used didnt seem realistic if you know what i mean. plus the emilee character is getting way to much dialogue, especially being since she is not one of the characters from the show which leads me to believe that she mimics you. matthew more than likely is your steady at the time of conception for this story because most writers tend to go for characters already in existence, which you did with Russ. not bad for a start but stay focused and keep writing
| Chiquinta chapter 1 . 3/16/2004
The part where Monica introduces herself to Matthew is a bit confusing. She seemed to disappear and I thought she was still talking. Was it just me?
Cory is her father? Is Emilee a sergeant too as well as Cory? Can they have two sergeants?
When Matthew and Emilee are riding it is hard to know who is saying what? Then they are looking out for a guy but they don't know what to arrest him for.
Why is she suspended while they review her work? Wouldn't they just review her while she's still working?
Does Victor have a crush on Emilee?
Your story started off really really good and then got a bit confusing.
It's nice to see another PB author in the fandom though.
I hope you update soon.
| Maartje chapter 1 . 3/16/2004
Let me just get this straight, Emilee is 21 and is a result of Sandy's and TC's relationship in season 1. That would make Russ about 20 years older then she is, unless you claim that Sandy and TC were a long time thing and had the baby way before that would make them 10-15 years old at the time. That kinda struck me as odd.
Another thing was how everyone just Loves Emilee to bits telling her she's the greatest cop and lusting after her. She seems to be a Mary Sue if you don't mind me saying.
The dialogue seems a bit stiff here and there, add a little more detail, like who is saying what and how.
(like: "Emilee..." Russ drawled, trying to take her hand. She stepped back from her, her arms crossed in front of her.
"Russ what part of: it's over don't you understand? You hurt me Russ")
It is easier to read that way, when you at least say who is saying what.
Maybe you should try an concentrate on the original characters a bit more, that would, in my mind improve the story a bit.
I don't know exactly where you're going with this, so I can't really comment on the plot.
Don't let this review discourage you, I only mean to give constructive critisme so you can improve your writing. Feel free to mail me if you have any questions :)
| Frida chapter 1 . 3/16/2004
New fic! Good start! Exciting with some new characters. Like the Jessup idea too. Some commas in the future would be appreciated though.