|Reviews for The First|
| Misti Wolan chapter 19 . 8/4/2004
Hm… Palpatine's been messing with Lindoro's mind, I presume.
If you insist on making Lindoro use curses from this galaxy, could you please not spell it out? A dash or symbols, w/ or w/out the first letter, gets the point across just as well w/out plaguing visual learners from words.
I took notes of some of the grammatical mistakes, this time—it's my strong point—so here goes:
1. you used "bare", adj., instead of "bear", verb
2. "falling on his knees besides the tall knight" should be "beside"
3. okay, this angers me: what are you doing taking the Lord's name in vain? So you protest it's plural, not singular—then it doesn't get capitalized! :(
4. watch for wordiness—especially in fast-paced or emotional scenes. They mess up the flow. (For example, where you say "drove the Knight to the ground due to it being so excruciating", "due to it being" can be cut to "as it was"; then again, "due to it being so excruciating" is redundant & can be completely cut out.
5. emphasis is not shown w/ bold, but w/ italics
6. you "look up to" someone, not "too"—"to" is a preposition; "too" is an adverb & adjective.
Please continue. :)
| Misti Wolan chapter 18 . 7/28/2004
Well, the italics worked!
(I'm the same way with computers—I'm literally not allowed to touch my dad's. Once, all I did was switch out a printer's ink cartridges—following the directions—& it never worked, again!)
This chapter makes me wonder if he's going to chicken out & not tell his old Master, after all.
Keep it up! :)
| Chandlia Jade chapter 18 . 7/27/2004
Yes, a new chapter! Maybe Lindoro can finally get some real guidance (sithly advice doesn't count). Perhaps we can hear more of what he's been through...? Hehe... _~ Keep up the good work!
| Misti Wolan chapter 17 . 7/26/2004
:) Sorry I've been gone so long. I'm enjoying this, though. Keep it coming!
(Note: Thoughts are supposed to be italicized or in quotes—when it's quotes, it's often single quotes.)
| Jedi Keladry chapter 12 . 7/3/2004
I said it on the JC boards, I'll say it here. Run, Lindoro, run! Palpy is a bad 'un.
| Jedi Keladry chapter 11 . 7/3/2004
You made me late for work this morning, I couldn't tear myself away from this. [face_sheepish] and [face_oh_well]
I worry about this master-padawan pair (and they don't even exist!), but things look kinda bleak for them right now. Hope they find their way, both individually and together; one person's salvation cannot BE another person, no matter what regard or love there is between them. But I agree that Menaria can be her knight-master's light.
Enough of my silly, sentimental, existential claptrap. I eagerly await more of this very good story!
| Jedi Keladry chapter 8 . 7/3/2004
Sithlywicked Palpatine! *Keladry grabs a baseball bat and chases the old jerk down the halls of the Senate Office Building, yelling her head off like Han*
I'm finally catching up. But I am really enjoying this fic, my dear, and I'll probably finish everything you've done so far this weekend. I like the interaction between Menaria and Lindoro (excellent chemistry), and the bonding ceremony was gorgeous. Hope she gets over her crush soon, or at least figures out how to manage it okay! ;) ;) ;)
| Misti Wolan chapter 10 . 6/30/2004
I'm enjoying this interplay. I've wondered sometimes how a male/female Master/Padawan team (or vice versa) would get along. After all, all you see in the movies is male/male. (I, uh, don't mean anything wrong by that.)
One grammatical problem I've noticed with you is numbers. So far, everywhere you've used them (that I can recall) they should be written out, not in numerical form. This is particularly true if they begin a sentence.
Thanks for the many reviews, now, on "My Dear Qui-Gon". After having it up for some days with no reviews, I was beginning to wonder if anyone wanted it. And wow! All of a sudden they do!
(Sorry. I'm still getting used to being a FanFiction writer. This is new for me.)
Keep writing! :)
| Misti Wolan chapter 2 . 6/26/2004
It's very sweet. I'm liking the character, though doesn't Star Wars have its own 'swearwords' so you don't have to use regular ones?
Not enough time now, to finish it. I'll read more another time.
Keep writing! :)
P.S. Thanks for your review on "My Dear Qui-Gon".
| Jedi Keladry chapter 7 . 5/6/2004
I like stories about - I hesitate to say renegade or rogue, it sounds too harsh - non-traditional Jedi and their Padawans. Jedi who follow the Code with every breath are boring. (Except for Obi-Wan, but he's the exception because he's always butting heads with either Buckethead or the Sithly twerp and, of course, he's gorgeous.) Please continue, I like this so far.
| Chandlia chapter 7 . 5/2/2004
Hi! Just wanted to say I'm really enjoying your fic! Lindoro and Menaria are interesting OC's. _ I'm looking forward to the Chapter 8!
| Iron Queen chapter 2 . 4/15/2004
Really good so far, I'm anxious to know what happens next, so keep writing! No criticisms I can think of yet to help you improve, but if I do see one, I'll let you know. :)