|Reviews for The Magus Hunted|
| keia chapter 8 . 3/28/2012
A wonderful read! I look forward to reading your next Chrono Trigger work. That is, if you hopefully made another one. :
| lala yu chapter 8 . 12/14/2011
wonderful story. i enjoyed it immensely. i especially loved the banter between frog and magus. they are my favorite characters in CT. will you please write another chrono trigger fic? it makes me sad that this is your only one. you left me craving for more! good job with this story.
| Hinodeh chapter 8 . 9/2/2011
I loved this story from start to finish. The plot is interesting and well-paced. I especially like how you portrayed Lucca and Magus. The depicition of their relationship is the best fanfic portrayal of it that I've seen so far. You also handleded the Magus/Frog relationship well. The reason why Magus turned him back is both IC and creative.
Kudos also for the wonderful ending and the humor.
| Shade40 chapter 8 . 7/30/2011
Wow, I am so happy to see that this has a final chapter. I did not think that you would update, since so much time has passed.
It was a very nice epilogue chapter, using Chrono and Marle's wedding as an appropriate scene. Of course, I loved all your little details: that Magus drives the Epoch recklessly, that Schala would find it odd to see clouds ABOVE her head... headsmash.
In a way, it is hard to accept that one's favorite characters are now likely to start living relatively boring lives. But I can accept this. Lucca would certainly appreciate Magus' intelligence, so they could easily be 'friends'. And there will be much, as Zealian magic users, that Magus and Schala can work through together.
This is certainly one of my favorite stories, for its realism and fluid writing style.
| Kasienda chapter 8 . 7/30/2011
This has always been one of my favorite stories. As it previously stood, the story was complete with all plot lines wrapped up. It didn't need to keep going. That being said, whenever I read it (and I've read it multiple times _) I always wanted more. What I think, this epilogue adds is closure. It just makes the end that much more satisfying!
I especially liked how you included Magus' character defining quote and twisted it to show how his mentality and life have shifted - if only slightly!
| Legion chapter 7 . 11/9/2009
This was a great story! You really captured, I think, the essence of Magus as he searched for Schala. I thought your decision to have him be a vampire-or vampire-like-was very interesting and really added to the depth of his character. There were a few grammar errors and misspellings here and there, but nothing big enough to detract from the story. The only potentially negative thought I had about this story was that Crono, Marle, and Robo seemed to be empty bodies taking up space. I think the story would have made as much, if not more, sense without them. Still, I really liked this and hope you post some more Chrono Trigger fics in the future!
| Shade40 chapter 7 . 4/9/2009
This is a sweet story. From the way the story started, I didn't think you'd be able to get Magus and Frog to travel together in any way that seemed realistic, but their reasons for leaving Guardia were just on the edge of believable. I thought the dramatic attack on the castle was a bit too much for how unexpected and ferocious the attack was, but it was possible and it fit in well with the scenario, so I won't complain too much about it.
I think both Magus and Frog appropriately behave in character; their conversations are natural, and they bicker and respond sarcastically just as I imagine they would. The fight scenes I've read so far have been well developed, with just the right touch of action to not overwhelm or lose the reader. You add nice details regarding Magus' magic abilities. I especially like the extra original ideas you've had, such as Magus being vampiric and the storing of the energy from death to use in transformation spells. You present those more darker ideas well, having Magus brush them off while the others are weirded out but trying not to judge harshly. Or the way Alfador can hide somehow in Magus' shadow (although I don't feel you adequately explained why Alfador was at Guardia Castle and how this ability works). Your original ideas feel like they fit in.
I love it that you have Magus tugging at his gloves all the time. A habit that we see straight from the game.
I note a few small grammatical and spelling errors here and there, but not enough to really complain about.
The article Magus reads about the murder of King Guardia XXII was pretty impressive. Very nice old English; I had to read it twice to understand it all.
I notice that you seem to avoid having Crono speak. I know he doesn't speak in the game, but if there's a place where he can speak and it sounds natural, you should do so. Otherwise, it's awkward and he just seems like a throw-in character of no importance.
It is unfortunate that I have such difficulty following the specifics of time travel. A few times, I did become confused and skip over the time travel implications that you presented, but I don't think it's because you didn't explain it well enough. It's just that it's not something I feel up to understanding.
This story is really taking some interesting twists! And your conjecture all fits so wonderfully! This is such a delightful tale, it is disappointing it won't last much longer. Great work.
| mariachiMushroom chapter 7 . 4/22/2008
Wow. I think this is the best Magus-centric fanfiction I've read so far. You managed to portray his personality spot-on. I especially enjoyed all the snarkyness of his comments to Frog/Glenn.
| fireyice chapter 7 . 2/24/2008
I’ve been thoroughly enjoying your story for quite some time. I wanted to finally, after much delay, show my appreciation for your work. It made me smile the first time I read each chapter. Please keep at it! _
Oh, I had a few questions too. I was wondering why Crono didn’t use magic, even when the fighting got serious. (did I miss a reference?) Also, when you wrote about Magus’s castle, is that back in the Middle Ages? I don’t remember his caste appearing on the world map in 10 A.D.
Again, thank you so much for writing this; It's really great!
| Susan chapter 7 . 11/30/2007
wow. this is an amazing story - your characterization of everyone is superb! I'll be waiting for you to finish this masterpiece!
| Kiyomisa chapter 7 . 9/22/2007
Wow. I love it. Everyone's so in character, it really feels just like the game. Man, this is what Chrono Cross should've been! I hope you do finish this, I really like everything, especially how magus and frog interact. Keep it up!
| amaretto and coke chapter 7 . 9/18/2007
Gah! Amazing. :)
| H3Knuckles chapter 7 . 8/4/2007
Excellent work! Count me as another fan who was recently surprised to learn this had updated. Please, please write the conclusion as soon as you can.
| Ganheim chapter 7 . 7/17/2007
He glanced at the table with the remains of their dinner, but unlike Marle's kingdom, there was no carafe of blood for a weary sorcerer.
[Hadn’t he already drank a lot of blood from the Naga?]
Thousands of people, mostly youngsters, crowded the streets and sidewalks, hopping from building to building.
[The youngsters were hopping from building to building? I thought Magus was doing that.]
he simply leaped up,
He gate it a nudge and set it rolling over the edge of the spire.
he found himself in a dark corridor not far from the main.
[Interesting that in such a well-lit modern or post-modern human city that there would be so many convenient dark corridors.]
But it had to lead somewher or else why keep a passage at all?
He turned and spotted torchlight coming towards him,
[Though normally I’d let this go because it could be British English, you’ve used ‘torch’ enough times in the story in reference to the more primitive open-flame lighting devices that I think you would be better off using ‘flashlight’ or some other way of referencing the electric lights the guards would have.]
and his robes ignited while his crown melted onto his face.
[Even if that crown was made of lead, a metal with an extremely low melting point, it would have burned him and made him throw the crown to the floor long before. You’d be surprised how quickly you can move when heat is motivating you.]
You wouldn't be a genius without it!"
[Could she have possibly said anything more stupid?]
At the main gates, they saw that the reason they hadn't met any resistance was that the soldiers had massed near the large stone doors, weapons drawn.
[If they have laser pistols, wouldn’t they also have sniper rifles? No matter how dangerous the group may be at close range, a sniper has surprise and power enough to take a number of them down. It’s now they stopped Lucy in the beginning of “Elfen Lied”.]
"But when even a bit of jerky can change a whole family for generations,
[Now _that_ is retention of detail!]
This way she knows he'll be here in some form or another."
[Yeah. This way, they can come back and find the Prometheus made to destroy them.]
gathering enough speed to break through time.
[88 miles per hour?]
[I understand when this is used in a script, occasionally in a comic strip/manga when the time lag could be hard to judge, but in the written medium you have full freedom to say that she averts her gaze and silence passes, something that better describes what’s going on than an ellipsis that’s supposed to represent space _between_ speech.]
one which will let me end the human race before it even begins."
[I understand his reasoning later about Lavos affecting the whole timeline, but it still just seems wrong with them standing _in a coliseum built by humans_!]
Beside the princess, Lucca gasped and stepped back.
[This looked for a while like it was a reaction to what Ozzie said, rather than placing her next to Marle/Nadia. Maybe something as simple as moving ‘beside the princess’ to make the second half of the sentence.]
"Oh shut up," Magus snapped. "I was a child surrounded by mystics, of course I whined."
[From the Magus in the game and so far developed here, I would have expected him to make a cold statement in retort instead of dignify Glenn/Frog’s comment.]
as the last earthly essence of Cyrus returned Frog to his rightful form,
[A form he had spent the past years growing used to, depending on the newfound strength and agility.]
"The spell's locked in on our names.
[That sounds like a game mechanic, I think saying that the spell was locked on their _forms_ would be more clear, because their names are easily changed and not necessarily indicative of their true person (on my second play-through of the game, I skipped many of the nicknames and had ‘Nadia, Glenn, Janus’ in my party). Then you’d just have to say ‘a frog’ in the next sentence and it’s clear and doesn’t sound quite as much like a plot device.]
He called down a blast of lightning that threw Glen towards the barrier and right through it without so much as a singe.
[Earlier you described the barrier as a giant box. Shouldn’t he be away from all of them if he went through the barrier?]
all in one maser stroke.
[_massive_ stroke? Or _master_?]
who sliced deep into the circuitry in the center of the machine.
[According to your description, there was _one_ box, but this sounds like Janus/Magus is trapped in a separate box of his own.]
In her long captivity, she'd become too weak to move.
[Then how could she hold onto Magus, even if she did blow away up to half his torso?]
The sheer strength flowing from he mammon machine
[From _the_ machine?]
If we don't do something fast, he'll turn the first humans into mystics."
[How can he cast a spell into the past?]
to have them deflected by just a stray wisp of the sunstone's power showed them how difficult stopping Ozzie would be.
[There look like there should be a natural pauses and segment transition that would be well indicated by a comma, between ‘power’ and ‘showed’ (which would look better as ‘showing’).]
"How is she?" he asked, making no move towards the door.
[Simple and well written.]
...in ears that no longer resembled hers. "No matter how you've changed."
[Didn’t they both have pointed ears?]
And that confidence had nearly let Lavos destroy the world.
[Another point where italicizing would better indicate the higher thought.]
Moving around without his armor left him feeling vulnerable, but he didn't miss the weight of it at all.
[From your earlier description of him virtually constantly wearing his armor, he’d still have it on now, if only for force of habit.]
All in all you've written a broad story around a character few people understand and most try to avoid. I'll congratulate you for that. Even though I disagree with some of the changes you made, personal view and artistic license make it workable along with fairly good writing throughout.
God bless and happy writing,
| Ganheim chapter 5 . 7/17/2007
shunned him for showing little sign of magick, or turned away when he spoke of the black wind?
[In all of the translations of Chrono Trigger I’ve seen, it’s spelled ‘magic’, which also carries a broader connotation than ‘magick’ which according to more popular folklore takes over the person attempting to use it. I should also point out there are strong implications that even if Schala never said anything about ‘the black wind’, she was aware of it also, if not to the sensitivity of Janus.]
"My liege, you should remaineth here 'till my return.
[I think ‘remain’ might work better than what looks an awkward ‘remaineth’.]
"If thou dost not stand down-"
[Missing clear separation between the paragraphs following this.]
A wave of water flooded through the middle of the room, slamming the mystic into the wall besides Frog.
[If Frog cast a water spell, wouldn’t the magic be going _from_ him and _to_ the target, generally speaking?]
Frog stumbled backwards with gaping wounds on his face and arms.
[Wounds are generally only called ‘gaping’ when a comparatively large amount of the internal organs/tissue is exposed, needles would hurt and leave deep, penetrating wounds that would bleed a lot but wouldn’t be wide enough for ‘gaping’.]
He sheathed the Masamune and rushed a healing spell,
[Rushed the spell on himself? The queen?]
His eyes were closed and instead of his usual white color, he looked almost gray.
[The eyes, or skin? If his eyes are closed, how would Frog notice that they looked gray?]
No sound but the torch burning nearby, an occasional muffled bolt of lightning.
[Lightning is the visual anomaly, thunder is the sound. It’s usually referred to as a clap of thunder in circumstances like this.]
Or maybe being the queen's magickless child had made him withdraw from everyone.
[Though young Janus was withdrawn, I don’t remember any reference to him being without magic.]
Slash came closer, the shadow of sword falling across Magus.
[The shadow of _his_ or _the_ sword falling across Magus?]
People in this world, he'd found, were rather lax about letting treasure boxes lay around with any guards or even locks.
[Or _without_ locks? By the way, I found this poke at RPGs’ tendency to leave treasure in the open rather funny.]
"Oh...we're on a first name basis now, Glen?"
[Since when is ‘Magus’ a first name instead of a title? I suppose you could interpret it as a name, having forsaken his true name and very identity after being drawn into the ‘age of mystics’. That’s one of the things I ponder on in “Once Called”, but I just wanted to make sure it was a point thought of here since it’s brought up.]
Magus grinned, showing off his fangs,
[When did Janus ever have fangs? Even in the videos added in the Playstation rerelease, I don’t recall fangs on him any more than Ryouga from Ranma.]
"Don't think your evil sorcerer can hide you,"
[In this context, I think ‘sorcery’ fits better.]
"Arrogance is only confidence in someone you don't like."
[A barbed statement, most certainly.]
Frog though that it was probably taller than the roof and was simply crouching down.
Alfador left his master for the warm stones around the fire and sat down, letting his fur soak up the heat.
[So like a cat.]
A pity I can't shut up thy mouth.
[I’m not sure if QuickEdit has consumed your formatting, but direct thoughts are best represented by italics.]
In the minor shelter the tree gave from the wind, he bent its head back and sank his fangs into its throat.
[This still gets me. The earlier claw references I at first assumed were a part of his gloves (it was a frequent stylization in the Middle Ages of many cultures, and quite likely could have been something Magus added to his clothing), but I haven’t seen any previous hint of vampirism, especially with Magus having been out in the sunlight earlier in the chapter. I’m well aware that you’ve turned blood into his preferred food continuously down through the story (and the consistency is good), but it’s just odd to see such a departure from the Magus I grew to know from the SNES.]
but it too dark to see more than a few feet inside.
[It _was_ too dark to see...?]
"I thought you knew life wasn't fair."
[A line I’d expected to hear several characters say a number of times through Chrono Trigger, but for some reason it never seemed to make it in the game.]
"Thou knowest not the half of it."
[A line that fits so well with Frog’s speech patterns, particularly as you’ve developed him in this story.]
Lucca grinned and swamped Frog...
Magus held his hand in front of his face to block the wind.
[Wouldn’t he be able to create an air shield as he was flying? He files a few times in the game, and though the only long-distance flight I remember was in one of the game endings he didn’t hold his hand up to shield his face.]
he landed and paused a the cave's entrance.
[_at_ the cave’s entrance?]
"C'mon, dinner at my place?"
[Though Lucca did work with him (in the arc in which the player chooses not to kill him), there’s little canon evidence that she should be on friendly terms with him, nothing in the story to say otherwise, and less that she would trust him enough to invite him into her house.]
and unless you want your parents to meet the evil wizard from the Mystic Wars..."
[Something I’d think Lucca and the others would be closer to thinking of him as, depending on the time spent working with him (having him as a party leader is optional, even if I did it every single play-through), and I should point out that based on the inferences from they story they haven’t gone around doing many of the optional sidequests like wiping out Slash and Flea with Ozzie (there is implication there is that one or both of them is finished off there depending on how you interpret the language and how much you like the characters).]
groaning as she pulled wear muscles.
She bolted the rest of her juice
[She does a lot of that with whatever she’s drinking. It may be part of a character detail, but I think that a thesaurus would go well replacing one or two instances of “bolted”.]
Frog remembered what Magus had looked like as a child, transformed by magick but still human.
[How was Janus transformed? Wasn’t he an ordinary Zealian, if with a gift of foresight?]
Did living with mystics somehow change humans on an innate level?
[I’ve read this a dozen times, and I’m still not sure what this is really supposed to be saying. Humans remained basically the same since appearing, there’s no visible difference from humans from 600AD and 1200AD. This, if I’m reading it right, is contradicting that, but there’s been no indications in the game or your story to support the theory that humans changed from those time periods.]
I just didn't want them to spot the Epoch."
[They might not get a visual, but wouldn’t it still show up on radar or whatever form of sensors might replace radar?]
made of cobblestones with grass and glowers poking up between the cracks,
[Depending on what you consider a cobblestone road, aren’t those indicative of up to Middle Age technology? The artwork in the game from the in-game video ‘Day of Lavos’ seemed to show rubberized asphalt roads.]
Instead of swords, sleek pistols hung at their hip.
[Number agreement: hips.]
the main door was the only way out and it was still lowered.
[It was still open? When one says a door was ‘lowered’, that makes me think of a door that slides down to seal an area behind it.]
The staircase stopped on the second story but turn into a bridge to the next tower.
[Verb tense: turned.]
dragging the back of a glove over his mouth to wipe away the few traces of blood.
[It didn’t sound like ‘few traces’ of blood in the paragraph above.]
They couldn't be tyrants for the city to be so beautiful and bright,
[Oh, yes they can. Some of the most insidious tyrants held up a squeaky-clean bright and shining façade to the outside world for decades.]
he said, "solely through magick."
[As evidenced by things like the Blackbird, didn’t they make heavy use of advanced technology?]
He stared at his reflection,
[I’m half surprised that he has a reflection, though that brings up another point: what would Schala think when she saw him? Doubtless he would consider that, even if he never finds her.]
He touched one of his triangle earrings.
That's why Marle and I usually visit in disguise."
[Earlier in the story, the characters seemed aghast that Janus (Magus) was time traveling, but if they’re doing it why should they be shocked at all?]
"P'raps because they know thou carest not for them, and so can speak freely without fear of losing standing in thy eyes."
[There is a curious sense of safety to that. I think it’s true to the canon characters, too.]