Reviews for While You Were Gone
Ansuz chapter 1 . 12/6/2005
Kewl story. Thank you for your review.

Okay, I have a few descriptions, but don't necessarily take them to heart. These are guidelines only, be adventurous! ;)

Okay, Aku wears armour that is European. A good picture/website is:


I would see him in armour closer to the range of Frankish (850) to the traditional mail and armour (1350).

His human form is around Jack's size but is Caucasian, clean shaven, and lithe but powerful in build. Think compact but muscular, like a swimmer. I would describe MY image of Aku's human form as pale and attractive, but sharp too. You can see evil in him. :)

See you
raziel-chan chapter 2 . 7/12/2005
hi! of course it's a good story! that arkian, if he hurts raziel once more, I'm gonna kill him in my dreams!

please, the third chapter...
KaiMuund chapter 1 . 1/14/2005
This wouldn't be too bad if you could edit out the run on sentences, put it into a unified tense (you switch from talking about him to discussing "us") and a few grammatical errors.
Smoke chapter 2 . 12/20/2004
The second chapter was incredibly short. What you did should be the lead-in for about 600 more words at least. It's looking interesting.
Bryan1 chapter 2 . 6/13/2004
The story is interesting. The only thing that made me a little nuts was the change in point of view. You jump from 1st to 3rd. A simple way to change this is to use italics when you dip into a character's mind. Besides that everything was fine. You might want to add a few returns at the end of your paraphrases. Ex:

"Sire, who may I ask is this?" Raziel muttered as Kain approached.

"My choice of babysitter." Kain replied.

See it's easier to read and less confusing!

Tom T. Thomson chapter 2 . 6/13/2004
I will say this isn't the best of stories (short), but I will also say that I would like more.
Razielim Vampiress chapter 2 . 6/12/2004
I like it alot. Update soon!
Shadaloo chapter 1 . 4/25/2004
Hey, I got your review. Thanks for the kind words. to set up your story, and direction, eh? Well, here are some simple rules I normally use:
Rule number one is to write down any quick flashes of a scenario you get. Even if you can't use it straight away, it may come in handy later.
Story structure: Before I write anything, I always break out a piece of paper and jot down, in one sentence, what I want to happen for each chapter. Envision your beginning, middle, and ending, one at a time, then think of the best possible ways to tie them in together. Think up multiple scenarios for each, not just one, and choose the best among them. Heck, tie in elements from the others if you like; you'd be surpised how many good ideas I get that didn't come to me originally that were inspired by random notes.
Envisionin your goals. What you want your character to do, what he should learn, etc. A story is just that: someone's experiences.
Don't be afraid to develop characters other than your antagonist. A story's easier to tell with a supporting cast. Interaction is important.
That's about all the motivational advice I can really give. I hope it helps. If I can be a bit nitpicky though, what I really think you should do is work on paragraphing and sentence structure. "While you were out" is composed of one huge paragraph, with no breaks. That's going to turn people off, when they come in and see a large clump of writing. Each paragraph should be composed of maybe 3 or 4 sentences, usually. Whenever you're describing someone, or someplace, for example, in great detail, you should always start a new paragraph.
As far as sentence structure goes, you've got a tendency to fragment: Example: "Raziel tossed and turned in his restless slumber. He jolted up in cold dripping sweat. He sat there gasping for air."
That could have been one sentence: "After tossing and turning in his restless slumber, Raziel jolted up in cold dripping sweat, and sat gasping for air."
I hope this helps!