|Reviews for A Story with No Name|
| Des Your loving editor. D chapter 2 . 6/19/2005
Gwahaha...Pancakes and Phones, I like that. XD I forgot how weird your chapter titles got. XP Hm...telling me that I'm going to be reading a whole bunch of nothingness doesn't really make me want to read it. And I believe you already specified that Goku's alive, even though it's after Buu, so don't gotta do that. XD Or maybe you do? O_o I am magical and cool like that. So nyah. Right! The chapter. Yes...I like to read chapters. x)
Oh, your first sentence here is very poetic...but something about it. O_o Maybe it's where you put the 'throughout the night' part...or maybe I'm just a psycho. Who knows? Not me, that's fo sho. XD Oh geez, I definitely like the 'that they considered moral.' That's like...super crazy cool. :D "He held a newspaper in the other hand" Okay, I've liked your beginning up to this point. Try, 'He held a newspaper with -his free hand-"
Okay, when Bulma's talking about how Vegeta woke her up in the middle of the night, you should probably keep the 'And I haven't seen him since' and the sentence before that joined...or at least have '...' inbetween them. Darn, I'm either slipping (can you blame me? XD), or you just improved. XD I think I found less things to prod at because your voice here was -really- good - a nice mix of casual dialogue and casual writing, with pretty words mixed in. Yew rock.
Anyway, I really liked Bulma's phone conversation. More than I should have. XDD It was just...so funny. *gigglesnort* So yeah. Uhh...good job, I guess. XD
-May the spoofs guide you-
| Des Your loving editor. D chapter 1 . 6/19/2005
Hm, your AN is good for your first chapter, but I don't like how you changed the title of the story a little at the end. Just have the title, and like...capitalize it and stuff. Bears sounded too stuffy in that situation, anyway. XD Okay, right! To read. *starts reading* Perfectly? I'm not so sure I liked the word choice there (first sentence). The vibe that you're trying to get is more scary, not...shiny and pretty and perfect. XD All right, this first paragraph was very pretty indeed, but the last sentence seemed to ramble on a bit, and I was just gazing blankly going 'o, pretty!' instead of getting the feel that I think you wanted. Hmm...you might've overdone the 'and another' repetition a little too much...but nah, it should be fine. "all -with- a repetition that caused more anxiety and pain" With sounds better. *noddles* "The silence that lasted for only a few moments was finally broken by a liquid voice that had terrorized his heart since the first day it had graced his ears." Okay, this sentence is really beautiful, I promise, but...(Yes, but) There's way too many 'had's in there. ; Driving me crazy, woman! D: XD
Okay, the first sentence after this first dialogue is really...hm. The his changing was a little confusing, and a real editor probably wouldn't be too happy with it. Well, overall, that dream scene was very fluid and, for the most part, I could really see what was happening. I especially liked the blood-chemical or whatever. XD That was a nice touch. But I thought Frieza's lips were...purple. o_o Not red. But okay. XD Ohgeez, I LOVE that 'selfish aggression.' Wee! _ That's good. Really good. You have great word choice, my friend. Ah-hah, the next sentence was really long, and soon I found myself waiting for it to end. XD Maybe, 'grasped the fabric as though it was his only -means- of protection' O, clenched his soul. I like that. Your word choice here is definitely helping along the feel and voice of the moment. Eesh, 'stare -at- her partner,' not stare towards. Towards is a word that you must love and carress - in moderation. So rawr.
"utterly despised showing the slightest emotion or weakness" The slightest emotion or weakness? I think that might sound better just ask, 'showing the slighest hint of weakness,' or something. Because Vegeta shows lots of emotion...ANGER! O_ Like that. XD So...yeah. "she reached out timidly to touch his back" How about, 'she timidly reached out to touch his back.' Something about you're not supposed to seperate verbs or...whatever. XD O, I -really- like the 'pleaded for resolve' "“Vegeta? -What's- wrong? Please, tell me!”" "Quickly, she instantly positioned herself before the warrior and fixed each hand upon his matching shoulder" AH! Okay, yeah, this was bad repetition. Either, 'Quickly, she positioned' or, 'She instantly positioned' OR 'Instantly she positioned.' So there. Nyar. Wow, you have a problem with instantly. :/ But I guess you can keep it. XD
But...aw geez! That's such a cool way to end it. _ Either you changed that or I forgot it was so awesome. :D But...like...the thing is...this is great writing and all, but not only is it inconsistent with your future writings in this story (or, I -think- it is o_o;), and it's pretty much pointless to the story. But eh, keep it. :D It's super fun to read, and a nice (if deceiving) catch.
Now, to chapter 2! *valiant pose and skipping*
-May the spoofs guide you-
| Despondent Dreamer chapter 14 . 1/24/2005
*takes a deep breath* Here we go.
Wow, what a nice, long, AN. ...Oh well, you actually said stuff in it. By the way, how often have you said, 'after this, the plot's going to get off the ground!' Well, that's okay, because I know that it really will this time. If things go how you're planning. Which I hope they will. And I'm sure they will. Blahblahblahblahblah!
"From the first night when the girls were discovered missing, a total of three weeks and six days had passed. " *eats sentence* How about this: 'It had been a total of three weeks and six days since the girls went missing.' "Nearly a month traveling in the depths of space, constantly worrying over whether or not their quest would end in vain" 'They had spent nearly a month traveling in the depths of space, constantly wondering whether or not their quest would end in vain.' "The two boys had so much pent up energy that they would break into fits of giggles at the smallest thing, and it was obvious that the four older beings were lingering a little too close to insanity’s edge." Make this two sentences. It would sound beter, and the first part might be more understandable. Something about it rubs me wrong.
"However, on the sixth day" This is very vague. Although I'm sure your readers, and I, knew what you were talking about, you should probably include the fact that it's the sixth day of the third week. Or something. "Compared to Goku and Krillin, he seemed much better off (seeming not so brain-dead from long hours of simply staring at the wall)" Include the stuff in paragraphs in the actual sentence. It would make things easier, I assure you.(ex: 'Compared to Goku and Krillin, Vegeta seemed to actually still have his brain!' or something) "Goku sat up when Vegeta walked in and watched him curiously." Maybe, Goku sat up as Vegeta walked into the room, and watched the shorter man curiously."
"Krillin jumped to his feet, obviously overwhelmed with joy." Drop the obviously. The word 'overwhelmed' already tells the reader it's probably very noticeable that he's happy. "However, when Krillin exploded with joy at the thought of going home, the two jumped to their feet" The two boys would make things clearer. “Damn it, Boy. Hush!” The damn it seemed very forced. 'Hush, boy!' might be more Vegeta-esque, despite the fact he cusses. A lot. The damn it's just...yuck. Forced. Ewness. XD “Look, just sit her for a moment and wait" HERE. HERE. NOT HER. Here. ;3
“So our little space trip is over?” 'So, our little space trip is over?' (Yay comma whore! Though I'm sure you can use that sentence without a comma, too. Whatever you think.) "What ever it was, Vegeta could tell it wasn’t good. However, he thought it would be best not to worry the others with it, and Vegeta nodded." 'Whatever reason Nappa had, Vegeta could tell it wasn't good. However, he thought it would be best not to worry the others with such an unbased paranoia. With a small nod, Vegeta replied in a gruff voice.' Or something like that.
“So we finally found um.” 'um. That's all. “Not ever since seeing Bulma and all them yesterday." 'Not since I saw Bulma and all them yesterday.' That sounds a little better. And, that whole next paragraph is very yuck to me. I can't quite explain why. It just is. :/
"A smile glistened gently on her face and Goku opened his arms to receive her." Smiles don't glisten. Eyes do. Smiles don't. Unless she has shiny teeth. Does ChiChi have shiny teeth? Oh well. "Goku nodded curiously." You might want to make this, Goku smiled and cocked his head curiously, or something. "Sarmock blinked, but quickly nodded." Maybe, 'Sarmock blinked in a mild confusion, but quickly nodded his acceptance.' Just saying that he blinked then quickly nodded seems kind of empty.
...is confusedly a word? ...hrm. I guess it is now. XD "The group that had been on the ship were more than eager to discover how the two would react upon seeing one another after so long. They had gathered that Nappa thought highly of Vegeta, even after being murdered by the younger man. They didn’t know what to expect." TAKE OUT THE LAST SENTENCE THERE. For some reason, that one sentence made it seem so repetitive, I wanted to scream. Take. It. Out.(Rawr. XD)
"Just when he need him the most" Just when he needed him the most. "Just when he thought everything was going to finally work in their" What the HECK is this sentence supposed to be saying? Was it supposed to be 'there'? Was it supposed to involve the word 'heir'? What the HECK? ...fix it.
"The group stood in silence for a moment and glanced about each other" Glanced at each other would sound better. (Yay, halfway...wait, no, not yet. Dammit.) "She blinked, shocked for a moment until he scratched a small itch on his chest" 'She blinked at Goku's question, shocked for a moment at the preposition, until he scratched a small itch on his chest, drawing her attention to his gi.' Or somethin' like that. Too many...um...pronouns. Yeah.
"So deep that DerNappa didn’t care " Did you mean to have a space between Der and Nappa? Put one there. "Goku blinked and nodded thoughtfully, yet suddenly flashed as mile" Flashed a smile, not flashed as mile. ;3 ((NOW I'm halfway through! Yay!)) “Yep. Well and kicking.” Probably alive and kicking would be a better phrase. I don't know.
Oh, before I forget, it's REALLY annoying(and sometimes confusing) when you put a character's actions, then a space, then the words. It'd be probably easier to read if you put the actions directly before/after the quotes. (Yes! Become a clone! Mwahahaha!...anywho)
“The Prince of all Saiyans. I know. I’ve told myself that a million times when the only Saiyan alive, other than myself, was some dim witted, amnesiatic fool who could kick my ass from dawn until dusk." Aw...*hugs Vegeta* That was sad. But...WHERE'S THE BLEEPIN COMMAS? ...*hits* Wait...no, nevermind, that's fine. I just thought that was really depressing. *snugs Vegeta* “Bring um with you.” 'um. Again. XD
“I wouldn’t have to stay?”
“Not unless you didn’t want too.” Okay, Nappa's response was really confusing. Not unless you didn't want to. So, he wouldn't have to stay unless he didn't want to. What? and, it shouldn't be 'too', it should be 'to'. Learn your homophones, girly! :]
“Why don’t you try trusting me for once in your god-forsaken life?” In this case, God should be capitalized. "She nodded as-a-matter-of-factly." Get rid of the as-a and you've got the phrase down. XD “Damn it, Vegeta. I’m going.” Where's the exclamation point? Put an exclamation point after 'I'm going.' It makes her seem angrier. Which Bulma is very angry. XD
"I won’t stop you! I mean, it’s not like I know anything!” For that last sentence, try italicizing it like this(for emphasis), 'I mean, it's not like -I- know -anything- about -outer space-! Oh, -no-!' Yeah, add that extra stuff on for emphasis. Have him trail off into irritated grumbles. :D “Oh ho! Good, it’s about time you let me do something I wanted to.” Put a hyphon between the 'Oh' and the 'ho'. XD
"With that, he spun around and stormed towards a nearby door. He flung open the door and walked insides" He walked INSIDE, not insides. Stoopid. XP "and leave me penio!” Heehee. Sorry. That just amused me in an immature way. XD
*gaspgasp* OH MY GOD! I'M DONE! *runs around in circles screaming like Pablo(the penguin :])* We! That only wasted an hour of my life! Yes! ...okay, well, overall, great chapter. Sorry for not reviewing for the other ones, but I hope that this compensates for it.
Phew, tata. :3
-May the spoofs guide you-
PS Thanks for the bacon! :D
| Lavender the Drama Girl chapter 14 . 1/24/2005
Great chapter, I love this story. I really enjoyed the scene with Nappa and Vegeta and how they interacted with eachother. Also, it seems like you're hinting that Vegeta had been in a serious relationship in the past. Will they be showing up as well? How's King Vegeta going to accept his son and his family? And you've got me utterly confused of why everyone is back from the dead and why they kidnapped the girls and Gohan in the first place? I liked how Vegeta said that the women rule on Earth:) Keep up the good work, I'm dying to see where this is going, and update soon!
| Dark Ki A.K.A. Lee chapter 14 . 1/23/2005
i love that.
"that's a closet." maybe he went in there on perpose. maybe not. hahahahaha. i know you'll regret it. maybe the gravity will be 20 times that of earth and the air is toxic to humans and Bulma will have to wear a stupid suit at all times. or something. just a thought. heh heh heh.
| Kinoha chapter 14 . 1/23/2005
Hello! Sorry for not reviewing the last chapter. I was in foul mood and felt like insulting anyhting and everything...so yeah... Actually I'm not that much of a Videl/Gohan fan I just thought it would make a little nice add..
But what I really am is a die hard Goku/ChiChi fan... Vegeta's and Nappa's talk was nice and it really could be true thing to happen... I just love how you do portray Nappa and the other characters!
Are The Z senshi gonna find out why everyone wear Goku's gi? If are, I think Goku would find it amusing and comment on how the kanji character on the back is wrong... You know Goku's got three different kanji character on the back of his gi during the whole Dragonball series.
First is the Kame'sennin's( Muten Roshi/Turtle Master) kanji mark which means literally translated 'turtle'. Then he wears for the short time Master Kaiou's kanji character on his back and it could be roughtly be translated to something like: 'Solar system' Or 'part of the universe...
But when Goku fights Frieza he has a kanji character 'Go' on his back which is the first kanji character in his name 'Gokuu'.
Just to let you know... but after that he doesn't wear any kanji symbols...wonder why...
And how I know this? I can read/write/translate japanese pretty well and happen to own almost the whole series as manga comic books. They're in english but I have two mangas which are original japanese versions and written in japanese...
Hmm... I wonder what's gonna happen when the Z senshi arrive on Planet Vegetasei...Will they survive? Or more important...Will the other Saiyajins survive them?
Oh man...that sounded like a summary for some story...anyway...I'll be reviewing!
| EliteSaiya-jinJenny chapter 13 . 1/18/2005
That was so cute! Keep going!
| Dark ki a.k.a. LEE TOO LAZY TO LOGIN IN chapter 13 . 1/17/2005
ha ha ha. oh true. those two are perfect for each other. at first i though eighteen and him be a good match. both love to fight, and almot cold to everything else around them but, bulma is much better match. okay, that's enough for no.
| Dark Ki A.k.A. Lee chapter 12 . 1/11/2005
that was the funniest chapter so far.
| Lavender the Drama Girl chapter 12 . 1/10/2005
o, they're getting suspicious of Veggie. He wouldn't do that would he? I mean, my Veggie wouldn't, but each author has their own. I really liked the space-port thingy, you did a great job of creating your own little view of it. I also liked Krillin and Vegeta watching soaps together-however out of place that seems. Keep it up, and I'll be waiting for your next update!
| Elite-Saiya-jin-Jenny chapter 12 . 1/10/2005
Again, keep going! I love it so much!
| Kinoha chapter 12 . 1/10/2005
Of course I'm reading this! I really liked this chapter and I hope you update soon. That really was a treat...hehee.. I can barely wait for the next chapter! In some sense this 'trip' is good for some 'marriage counceling' not that they really need it but...oh yeah keep it up!
About Goku...he really isn't 'that' childish, he just doesn't know things like normal people...Oh yeah! You captured Vegeta's personality perfectly!
| Dark KI A.K.A. Lee chapter 11 . 12/2/2004
i feel sorry for piccolo and Vegeta. i do. that was funny though. what's next. the air lock?hahahahahahahah.
| Lavender the Drama Girl chapter 11 . 12/1/2004
ahh, that wasn't so stupid. It's those fun little interludes between the action that make the TV series so enjoyable, like when Goku and Piccolo take driver's ed-pointless, but enjoyable. I had fun reading it. Update soon!
| EliteSaiya-jinJenny chapter 11 . 12/1/2004
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it! *grabs head* My IQ dropped 10 points! Continue, or the wrath of Vegeta shall smite thee!