Reviews for Song of Zolem
Elliot Bowers chapter 1 . 1/16/2006
_Please, pretty please don't think me a mean-and-sadistic man here. I'm just going to ge-e-ently give you a review of the work given. There are some problems here. They're primarily techno-mechanical ones that can be fixed in a jiffy. But some other problems could maybe use a few weeks of work... Well, you'll just have to sit down and take in a deep breath. Don't expel flames at me! Like I tell my students, I'm just trying to do my job. We must begin with breaking out the toolkit.

_The key tool in any writer's box is a book called an "English Style Manual." You'll have to use that to fix the pugnacious puncuation problems. (Give me a second; I'm off to grab the copy in the back-room...) Okey-dokey, according to this, you have to edit how you wrote character dialogue. Also, you have to fix some punctuation. Things need fixing. You'll have to get one of these manual thingies to help.

_What are some problems that can be fixed? You have to break a new paragraph every time a character is done talking-when voices change. The way your story was written up, all the dialogue sort of became mushed together. Also, there are all kinds of techno-babble thingies that must be done regarding puncutation and character dialogue-stuff that you have to look up and fix. For example, periods don't go in the quotation marks if the sentence continues beyond the quote. Looky here:

"I said it's like THIS," wrote the obnoxious reviewer. "If periods end the quote, then you use a comma if the sentence continues...unless it's any other punctuation!"

Speaking of punctuation, you may also want to have a look-see on breaking new paragraphs-in-general and usage of periods.

_Hmm... Are you too mad at me? I hope you've got some patience left, because there's more. Yes, there's more to be said-must be said. For me, a book-chapter is at least ten pages. Ten pages would be double-spaced done by way of a 12-Point Times New Roman font: one-inch margins all around the page. What your story sort of did was take a few paragraphs and count that as a chapter. You should r-r-r-eally take each of your paragraphs and turn it into a page or something. That's why this story seemed to be over so quickly-reading more like a summary. It's the paragraphing, then. More pages must be written, please!

_This may seem brutally harsh, but it's all in the English style manuals that professional writers must follow... Hmm, is that fair? Is life fair? I want my Mommy! This writer-person is gettin' mad at me!

_Well, well, ink-well, this is a good summary and start to an interesting Gunnm/Battle Angel tale. I like the idea of forlorn love-lost and such with Gally. Then there's that whole continuation of the humble-and-gritty life that is so prominent and notable with this series. But again, your story read more like a summary. It could be really good-a decent and upstanding citizen of a story in the universe of We just need more.

_To get a good start on your good start of a tale, here are some suggestions. Take every "paragraph" you've got typed up now and expand it out to three double-spaced pages. Also, when characters do things, go into some details. Spend some more time on descriptions of settings. Throw in some of the thoughts running through the characters' heads, too. (That's how the American writer Stephen King takes a day and can draw it out to over two-hundred pages. Did you read his "Bachman" book, THE REGULATORS?) This is a good start. Now we need some techno-fixes. I think I'll now go call up my Mommy on the phone or go running over to her place.