|Reviews for Thy Neighbour's Wife|
| Ganheim chapter 2 . 4/11/2009
will end all that.
[Verb tense agreement: would]
marriage however they were
[‘however’ should be separated by commas for flow (otherwise it looks a tad like a run-on)]
both teach Martial
Happosai rarely makes an
everything seems well.
Akane cannot conceive
happiness making their
[Missing comma before ‘making’]
Fates where far too cruel.
to also conceive
[The ‘also’ is unnecessary]
speak to someone but
[Missing comma before ‘but’]
longer fulfil her
the Gods, the Kamis
[Repetition: ‘Kami’ and ‘gods’ mean effectively the same thing even despite the cultural gap that makes other words harder to translate]
and moved to Juuban where
[Juuban is a train station, not a region where people live]
he knew that they dislike
Kuno and her got hitched.
that they're marriage wouldn't last
the Amazons curtesy of Nabiki.
Nabiki probably felt guilty
[Nabiki? Guilty? Not that much]
Once Akane defeats Shampoo in a formal combat,
[And magically it happens. This wouldn’t have seemed contrived if you hadn’t tried to cram it down our throats in such meager summaries]
This is Chapter is a flashback of Ranma's past.
[Again? Can we get some present tense, please?]
It was also strange that Mousse appeared in the dojo in the midst of training Akane, bearing information that could help Akane win the fight.
[All of these convenient things certainly aren’t contrived /sarcasm]
amazon tribal law for Ranma will be declared null and void. Which means that Shampoo will no longer chase Ranma
[Shampoo pursues Ranma because she likes him, not purely because of the law – if you take a strict look at Far Eastern society (of which Shampoo’s is one), her going against Cologne in the Phoenix Pill arc could have been considered high treason. That being said, if Cologne’s arbitrator for an honor match then she might not]
[Cliché opening, it’s better to let the narrative describe the when]
it took place three to four months
[Couldn’t pick one?]
Ranma suspected it must be Nabiki's doing.
[Unless Shampoo was poisoned, which I’m not sure Nabiki would do, I don’t see how the fight would go off ‘without a hitch’]
else to be involve.
but never got involved.
[this is flagrantly against canon: Nabiki “has her thumbs in everybody’s pie”, the thing is that she makes sure other people pay the price. Maybe that’s what you were referring to?]
Akane represents strength, both in anger and heart.
his other inuzuke,
[Unnecessary Japanese (besides misspelled inazuke)]
in this battle royale
[It’s only a battle royale/royal when there’s a lot of participants (at least 3), without faction organization. Just being significant duel isn’t enough]
signalling the fight
Shampoo with her two bon-boris
[‘bonbori’, but if you check .com or wikipedia, those are paper lanterns. The maces Shampoo uses are properly called chúi. Another issue is that Shampoo clearly has an equipment advantage (with her wielding two separate maces) while Akane only has one blunt-force weapon]
she might try something to let Shampoo have the upper hand in the battle,
[OOC: Cologne loves watching the chaos, but she doesn’t interfere in a direct fight like this]
as their wepons
and was good
to how the wide opening in Shampoo's defence disappeared
[how _quickly_ the opening disappeared?]
"Let it go"
[Missing closing/transition comma at the end of the dialog]
"Let me go Kuno!" she managed
[As long as she’s been preparing this, and based on how many times she’s watched her family get into and out of close scrapes in canon, this is OOC. She should be fully prepared to watch her sister take a few hits]
seeing her little sister battered and beaten simply enraged her!
[Even though she was the one who arranged this. OOC]
loose face is that
[‘lose’, and missing comma after ‘face’]
keep on eye on the middle Tendo girl, he began to smile to himself.
[Are we done buttering up Nabiki far beyond anything canonically supportable? I’m going to guess ‘no’, characterization’s been poor so far]
Nabiki seemed to have taken to account
[taken into account]
Kasumi like the rest
[‘like the rest’ is a mild interjective and should be isolated with commas]
Nabiki, no doubt pissed off of what happened
[This means that she doesn’t care (and is a crude colloquialism)]
using too much of her time and effort for the sake of Akane's happiness.
[Nabiki took her fiancée on a stint to make money off Akane, canon is clear that Nabiki doesn’t care about Akane’s happiness]
being the easiest as she tracked down her yatai and restored her family name
[The cart is effectively meaningless by this point, the stain on their honor is something that the Saotomes couldn’t pay back except through the marriage. It’s unknown how seriously the Kuonjis took this (probably not very, as they never sent Ukyo help throughout anime or manga), but this looks pretty clearly like you’re sidelining Ukyo because she’s not convenient for your story]
called her the Ice queen or Ice bitch
[1: same thing, 2: if you’re going to capitalize one, capitalize the other]
Akane had regained her senses and was now again ready to fight the Amazon.
[Contrived…I mean convenient that she was given a chance to ‘regain her senses’]
wipe that smirked off
But before Shampoo hit the ground however,
[The ‘however’ seems to add too much of a break to the sentence, a comma after ‘ground’ is all that’s necessary]
landing. She is now in the same state
[‘putting herself in the same position as Akane’ would have flowed better]
She was sure that Akane couldn't have landed a hit on her if Ranma didn't train her.
[Besides the rumor-mill, how would she know this? There’s plenty of other people to train Akane: Happosai, Cologne, Soun, Genma, Ryouga (all of these have happened in fanfics)]
never before had they witnessed such a fight.
[They should have if they’d ever seen Ranma fight Ryouga, Pantyhose Taro, Cologne, Happosai, etc]
All he could do was yell out Akane's name to warn her of Shampoo's plan.
[That’s stupid, if he wants to warn her he shouldn’t shout her name – that would be distracting – he should shout what she’s about to do, or what she should do to counter]
Shampoo just performed a Ki attack.
[If Shampoo doesn’t successfully execute her attack, don’t tell us (in the past tense) that she did. It makes it sound like you can’t make up your mind. Your following narrative contradicts her successfully landing a Bakusai Tenketsu]
the Dragon ascension!
[If you’re going to capitalize one, capitalize the other. By the way, if this is referring to the Hiryuu Shoten Ha, it require ki be launched at the person using the HSH, the Bakusai Tenketsu sends ki _away_ from the target and therefore isn’t available for counter]
she suffered the full brunt of both attacks.
[What ‘both’, almost your entire minimalist description centers around Akane’s HSH]
to do this Akane"
[Missing closing comma]
[Missing closing comma]
let you get hurt anymore"
[Missing closing punctuation, and the ‘speech tag’ after is useless so I’d remove it]
and is in no condition
It is over"
[Missing closing comma]
Ranma then took Akane in his arms and kissed her in front of everyone.
[I know you’ve been brutally OOC, but this is so far beyond that it’s an insult to Rumiko Takahashi. There’s plenty of time for this pointless mush later, there’s a fight with bleeding, battered warriors on the field. Keep that in mind in the future]
Loud cheers were heard from the crowd
[While the audience drew their barf bags]
but I dunno if it work…
[Oh, it’s not the fight scenes that are the problem]
There were a hideous number of wild out-of-characterisms, but I’m not sure whether those did more or less damage than the bleedingly-common technical flaws. Missing punctuation, misplaced/missing/misspelled words made the story (this chapter in particular) a chore to read. Please, for the sake of your audience if nor yourself, self-proof and get a Beta before you post next time.
| cabrera1234 chapter 18 . 2/21/2009
am a fan of this story for a long time now before i created my account on fanfiction. i was wondering when are you going to update it.
| Six-string Samurai chapter 18 . 9/14/2008
Very good. The tense problem that was plaguing your other fics seems to be much less in the latter chapters of this fic. A very good read, and I look forward to seeing another installment in the future.
| moritynz chapter 18 . 11/2/2007
Took them long enough to get there, loving the build up that your doing, can't wait to see how its all resolved, keep on writing man
| Wonderbee31 chapter 18 . 8/27/2007
Oh boy, things have hit the basket now, adn going to be something to see what happens because of all this now.
| killroy777 chapter 18 . 8/26/2007
| the dark icon writers chapter 18 . 8/26/2007
*Gapes* The pure insanity and the torrent of emotions that is flying around this story is deafening. I'm on the edge of my seat watching as everything that was order becomes chaos and what was chaos becomes a darker chaos! I visualize the relationships and can only watch as they circle around each other; everything has an opposite and equal reaction - I don't think this scientific law has ever been used so differently before. Oh how assuming things truly can make an ass out of all parties, oh how seduction remains the most dangerous weapon in the world... oh how man can fall from his cliff down to where the woman falls for the fruit offered by the snake.
This is. Beautiful. Breath-taking. And Wonderful.
| brindani chapter 18 . 8/25/2007
My, I've been hoping to see the next installment of this story. I like the various deep entanglement you've created. A world were things simply aren't black and white, but the shades of gray are vast and before any of the characters know it, they hit a shade just shy of black. As for the situation, this will certainly push things along. I expect that Nabiki will withdraw from Ranma for awhile as she comes to terms with what she has done. As for Akane... well there is no going back now!
The dynamic is very unique. Usually cheating is something that the opposite spouse will immediately disdain. What happens when both of them are cheating on the other? Oh there are many potentials, I'm certain that yours will be the best available.
I'm not certain why this story doesn't have far more reviews than it does. It, in my opinion, is excellent.
| JhyarelleDrakon chapter 18 . 8/25/2007
Damnit! You did it again. You really like to toy with the emotions of your readers. Nice work by the way. How could you do this to me... err us... readers that is. Ya know if this was an actual book,I would have gotten several copies. One for me and the rest to give to my friends who are, like me a sucker for a good drama. I don't really care how loong it take between the next cahpter anymore. It's like watching a really good soap. You really know what your doing and I can't say more than that. I hope to one day finish reading this fic of yours (when you finish it), yet I don't; Because that would be a day that another good fic would be done and trust good fics like these are hard to come by.
Kudos to the current chapter and good heath and well wishes to you and finishing this fic.
Thanks For A Good Read
Joel "JhyarelleDrakon" Nunez
| Innortal chapter 18 . 8/25/2007
| lonewolfbro chapter 18 . 8/25/2007
i have to say that this is one of my current favorites in the Nabiki Ranma match ups and the long and enthralling chapters make it worth the wait i just hope and pray this dosnt go the way of some of the best stories on this sight and stop without an ending well what more is there to say but bravo i would love to see more of this story and more of your work. thank you for a wonderful story and keep up the good work
| Nysk chapter 18 . 8/24/2007
Excellent chapter, worth the wait.
yeah bump it up just to be safe.
I look forward to more
| Emogarg chapter 17 . 1/14/2007
Ah.. such a great story. I'm still hooked. Please update soon. It's like a soap opera and I need to know what's going to happen. _
| liteonit chapter 17 . 1/7/2007
awsome chapter cant wait to find out what happens next update soon! D
| neo82 chapter 17 . 12/22/2006
wow great story, i hope the next one's come soon :)