|Reviews for Lillies in the garden|
| anonymous chapter 1 . 8/17/2004
she's a little young for edward, don't ya think? but other than that i think its super cute :) and then theres the thing of edward scissorhands being like my all time favorite movie... lol
| chef13 chapter 4 . 8/11/2004
OK, this was a great chappie and all, but i have to say, you are making Edward a little to talkative. like here,
"Fairy tales and newspapers mostly. Sometimes poetry and sometimes history."
in my opinion, you should have just made it a list of genres. leave out the sometimes and mostly. Edward's a man of very few words; he just doesn't talk all that much and gets straight to the point. even to people he likes, in the movie he's in love with Kim, but he never says more than like 5 word sentences to her. or anyone; even on the TV show.
i think it's just how he is. i mean if you think about it, he's never had anyone really to talk too, so it would make sence; he's just used to not talking that much.
OMG, i know i'm totally drwaling here, but i just want to make sure you know where i'm going with this becuase it really goes deeper than not talking a lot.
also this bit confused me just a little,
"There was black magic...death. And being...incomplete."
is he conecting himself with black magic? and death? it just didn't click.
anyway, great story! update soon! _
| Harry Hippie chapter 4 . 8/5/2004
Oh, Edward...Alas, how I love thee...Anyway, exellent story, like I usually say. Maybe I should try insulting something...um... can't think of anything. I'll get back to you on that one.
| Decollage chapter 1 . 8/5/2004
All right, first of all... What?
Secondly, you rushed. It seemed as though you just wanted to get through the chapter. Your discriptions lacked visuals, your dialouge sounded hollow and fake, and there were several plot errors:
One, if she lived in such an orphanage as that (which, by the way, is steriotypical if not executed correctly, which you did not) why is she dressed in black flares and a tank top, such as those sold at Hottopic? A so called 'gothic' steriotype charecter is all well and good at times, but not appropriate here. Secondly, where'd she get tuna sandwichs? It's not as though she had any money, living in an orphanage. Third, why is she so trusting? When one is abused all thier lives, they tend to have issues with trusting people, especailly men with blades for hands. And it's highly unlikly people go around spouting their life story.
Spelling errors, there were many. And how would Edward be able to tell how many years he'd been alone?
In all, the plot is cliche, and the writing needs work. But hey, nice try, I suppose.
| Dan the Man chapter 4 . 8/4/2004
PLEASE DON"T LET THEM DIE, MAN! Unless you're sticking to the story... in which case, keep up the good work. Update soon, man.
| being brave in the face of hurt and friendloss chapter 4 . 8/4/2004
it is very very very very (etc) great
| Ilea Wakelin chapter 3 . 7/25/2004
ok every one seems to want to know what people think of thier stories so here it is. (please keep in mind that this is constuctive critisium and i'm not trying to 'bash' you in any way)
first of all i think a little more detail is in order, you seem to be rushing from one idea to another with out paying much attantion to how you get there in the first place. i'm sure many edwards fans like us already know what the inside of the castle looks like. but using propor text to make imagry work can be a very useful tool in drawing the reader in. certain things like "how" her parents died. and some basic back ground would be really effective in the story line to give your character more back ground so the reader understands her better.
some logic errors you might want to work on are:
1. if Lilly lived in an orphanage and the locked her in closets and such the obiously they would want her getting too far out of reach to tell any one what had been happening. so... "how" did she escape?
2. if the orphanage was so horible, and they mistreated her then why is she wearing a tight black tank top and black flares?
3. in your story (just my opinoin) edward is just a little too talkative.
4. Lilly is 14 and edward is forever stuck in the body of an 18 year old... might want to clear that up if the word love is going to be used.
well as for some more writing tips i sugest you try to use differnt ways to dricibe things how ever possilbe and if you must repeat your self try to say the same thing using differn't words.
then there is body language how are they standing some of the times. what do the objects around them look like, what are their feelings thoughts and faceail expressions?
detail given the propor use of imagry in the right places will make your story better.
everything else seems to be in the right places. good job i give it a 5 out of 10.
i look forward to reading more.
| lightingbolt chapter 3 . 7/25/2004
i like it! please continue
| corin chapter 3 . 7/18/2004
This is very good so far! Keep it up! And i cant believe Edward is falling in love!
| Harry Hippie chapter 3 . 7/15/2004
I love it, but things are moving too fast. I mean, they fell in love in the first chapter. Pace yourself.
| aisygirl chapter 3 . 7/14/2004
that was great-u captured Edward! I hope u continue with this story-it has so much potential! Great immagination...I can picture everything...its GREAT KEEP WRITING!
| chef13 chapter 3 . 7/13/2004
OMG! OMG! OMG! I AM GOING TO BREAK DOWN CRYING IN 2 SECONDS! I REALLY AM! *bawls* this is really good! like i said in my last review, I LOVE THIS MOVIE!
i'm in the process of writing my own sequel to the movie now. i have the first chapter written, but i want to write a little more of it before i post it, because i know i'm going to have people begging me to post more soon. (at least, my friends who i've shown i to have been begging me to write more; i just hope the people on this site feel the same way.) that might take a while, becuase i lent my copy to my friend and i need to watch it again to get into the feel of it, so to speak.
don't worry, it's not like yours at all! well, it is about a girl and she did come to Edward from an orphanage, but besides that, it's totally different! i promise!
i hope to get a review from you when i do post it. it's not going to be quite as emotional as your's; i mean, it will be, like in the real movie, but they'll be a little more like friends after they get to know each other. i think you'll probably like it. anyways, keep writing, and hope to hear from you soon. _~
| Livvy Depp chapter 3 . 7/9/2004
Good story. Very well written. The one comment that I think I should make is that Edward is coming across as too juvenile. (For lack of a better word) He's a very innocent character, but maybe ease up on the childishness of the way he speaks. Other than that the story is great. I can't wait to hear the end of it!
| SpArRoWsWeNcH chapter 3 . 7/9/2004
‘’Edward, nobody is perfect, nobody. But...you are the closest person I have ever met...to perfection.’’
Oh wow. That's moving. Really moving and incredibly sweet- exactly a type of writing I love to find. Fabulously written- just as the previous chapters. You have yet another beautiful chapter to add to this growing collection! Lovely. -Jaimie
| morph chapter 3 . 7/6/2004
AW! That is so nice and sad all at the same time1 Keep up the good work!