|Reviews for Ochie|
| Yaeli chapter 1 . 8/18/2004
I love it! maybe you could write some background for the story or something, that'd be really cool, maybe how D got his li'l injury;)
| wired witch chapter 1 . 8/4/2004
Hey, you just seem to pop up everywhere! I just started reading I-Man fic, this one's cute, good job :D
| Sherry chapter 1 . 7/27/2004
Very cute snippet! It was well done, just...a little mis-spelling, that's all. Are you going to expand it?
| suz chapter 1 . 7/19/2004
So... it's humorous, short, and could have led to a really sound ribbing if Hobbesy had been there to torment Darien...
you want a review? like a real one? that may actually comment on assorted goofs?
Here goes: For whatever it's worth, you seem to confuse which piece of dialog to connect your action description to.
ex. "HEY! That hurt!" He screamed at her (, and she rolled her eyes)
(this should be a new paragraph, connected with the below bit of Keeper dialog -UNLESS you connected them with an 'and'.)
She rolled her eyes. "I imagnie that it did. God know(s) how you got glass stuck there."
(new paragraph) He moved and the tender area touched the table below him. "It was(,) you know(,) open."
(new paragraph) She snorted in laughter. "Darien just please get ready for the rubbing achcoal."
(new paragraph) He moaned as he shifted again.
The rule is, the dialog belongs to the same person whose actions you describe. A little pre-posting read-thru and a beta-reader would probably catch a lot of this sort of boo-boo. Oh, and the typos, as well.
Hope it helps...