|Reviews for Everlasting|
| Yeade chapter 4 . 4/14/2005
Surprise! I'm back! Turns out I have a little extra time tonight, so I figured I'd review the next chapter. :)
EN: 'The large boulder that the troll which had first seen him had chucked at him...' For, yes, better flow and coherency, I suggest "that had seen him first" instead.
'...thick, grey smoke was beginning to fill the cave...'
My fear that everyone will suffocate appears to be justified. Not a pretty way to die.
EN: 'For a moment, the elf [had] trouble [deciding] whether he should try to breathe or simply drop to the floor in a graceless heap.' An easily fixed verb tense problem.
EN: 'A second later the troll's fist made contact with the exact spot where Legolas had been, but that the elf had dropped to the ground once more...' Take out "that" and you're all set.
'A heartbeat later the large piece of firewood connected with the elf's right side and threw him backward, sending him crashing into the wall right next to Aragorn with a bone-jarring thud.'
Look on the bright side. I get the impression that all of Legolas's fancy dodging and being slammed around by the trolls shifted him away from Aragorn, and now the friends are back together again, albeit without any improvement in the general situation.
'Legolas ... asked himself why his plans never worked the way they [were] supposed to.'
The Valar will it to be so. Ilúvatar gets a kick out of it, too. It gets awfully boring once the world can run on its own.
EN: 'A huge, scaly foot interrupted his thoughts and would nearly have hit him fully in the chest...' When it comes to verbs, simpler is usually better. Try "nearly hit" on for size.
'Yes, I brought him with me. Yes, you can go and see to him now. Just leave this room, follow the trail of blood and pick up the pieces that are left of him.'
Poor Legolas is stressed. He's experiencing a mild form of mania.
EN: '...no one in [his right] mind would say something like this to the Lord of Rivendell...' While "out of mind" refers to being insane, the "right" mind has to be specified when referring to sanity.
The other issue is rather more confusing - and, in truth, I'm not certain I've got it - but the basic idea is that "no one" and "nobody" are a sort of singular-plural pair. Thus, because "no one" is singular, you must use singular pronouns to represent the nonexistent being your sentence is about; unless gender is known, use the default masculine pronoun. The other pairs are everyone-everybody and anyone-anybody. A terribly obscure rule that doesn't have much bearing on fanfic. Still, I find it's nice to know. ;
EN: '...[when] a large stone missed Legolas'[s] head by inches, the elf came out of his trance.' A slightly more streamlined construction.
EN: '...Legolas was back on his feet in a second, his hair hanging in his eyes[,] staring widely at the chaos around him.' Ditto.
'The trolls wouldn't be bothering anyone ever again.'
You're quite skilled at writing action scenes. It's like the last half-hour of ROTJ. No matter how chaotic the action gets, the way you sequence events and descriptions ensures that readers won't lose sight of the big picture. Never do I wonder what's happening, how good or bad a situation is, or what so-and-so is doing. It's action choreography. One minor aside though. I noticed frequent usage of the past perfect tense. While there's nothing *wrong* about that, because the tense is somewhat, well, clunky, it's recommended that writers generally avoid it.
'I ... feel ...like a ... gammon.'
Okay, the only thing I could come up with is backgammon. I thought that was a game?
'Wood-elves ... eat ... smoked man-flesh?'
I see that both of them have fully developed senses of (gallows) humor.
EN: '...Elrond had some trouble pressing the blond elf back onto the mattress and keeping him from harming himself – or him.' A strange thing happens to the pronouns in this sentence... To resolve this confusion, I suggest just giving Elrond the temporary title of "his healer" or "his friend" and keeping Glorfindel in pronoun form.
EN: '"It is alright," Elrond tried to reassure the elf...' You know what. Perhaps "nothing" instead?
'The mere idea that his best friend could feel like that made nausea rise inside of him in an instant.'
Damn it! Have more faith in your friend! (Ah, yes. The ever interesting juxtaposition of feeling your friend would never think so ill of you and your friend's opinion of you being oh-so-important. Always that sliver of doubt.)
Besides wanting to smack Elrond over the head, I have nothing to complain about. Well, I wonder what about this year is different from the previous thousands of years since the fall of Gondolin that's making Glorfindel act more depressed than usual, but I remember something of an explanation next chapter even if I can't recall what it was exactly. So, yes, chicken soup for the Elven soul. :)
'Just when you thought that it couldn't get any worse or that the worst was in fact over, fate delighted in showing you – as unambiguously and painfully as possible – how very wrong you had been.'
Yes, *you*, Legolas. Not just you, *you*. :P
'Blood was still seeping through the makeshift bandage...'
It can't be normal to bleed like that. Whatever happened to Aragorn's platelets? All that talk of Númenórean blood aside, I don't see how the line could've possibly survived without at least normal clotting. In fact, with the tendency to get into life-threatening danger apparently increasing with each generation, natural selection would favor better-than-average clotting. Though inbreeding does cause all sorts of genetic diseases to pop up... What? Okay, yeah, I'm being silly.
EN: 'Aragorn's weight nearly pulled Legolas down with him...' Simpler is usually better.
'"North ... of ... Rivendell..." he finally mumbled softly.'
Yay for loopy-with-pain-and-blood-loss!Aragorn.
'"All men ... die, Legolas," Aragorn ground out past gritted teeth. "Sooner ... or ... later."'
Granted, but Aragorn has to learn that Legolas, not to mention Elrond, Elladan, Elrohir, Arwen, the Rangers, the Wise (minus tie-dye Saruman), and a good fat percentage of the population of Middle-earth, would prefer later rather than sooner in his case. Does he not understand *all* it means to be the Heir of Isildur and rightful King of the West? Regardless of whether he reunites the kingdoms of Men, he must continue his line and, yeah, he's gotta be alive for at least the first act in that. I must admit I want to see the scene where Elrond resolves that for the sake of his education as the future leader of Men, his Estel's going to have to go forth and continually risk his life. And Aragorn remains unmarried and (presumably) without heirs the entire time! Who's next in the line of succession when Aragorn has no siblings? Jeez, the Rangers - even without bonds of friendship and respect - are probably at a constant low level of paranoia about Aragorn's safety. Probably constantly trying to matchmake, too. :P
EN: '"But not twenty-one," the elf replied curtly...' Minor typo?
'"Yes, it is," the elf claimed stubbornly.'
No, it isn't. My evil, scheming mind enjoys the implication that Arador and Arathorn's untimely deaths are a plot of the Enemy. Certainly, whenever Sauron's covertly on the warpath against those dratted Dúnedain, the royal line dies young and hard.
EN: '...and only when they had crossed the Last Homely House's gates [would he] allow himself to feel relief.'
'"Your ancestry is nothing of which you would have to be ashamed, my friend," he finally said...'
Yes, yes! Listen to Legolas, Aragorn! Little Estel must have spent too much time listening to and reading stories about the Downfall of Númenor and the end of the Last Alliance.
All in all, a very balanced chapter. Kicks off with a bang and ends with a whisper. Both are written well - I found the Elrond-Glorfindel-Erestor and Legolas-Aragorn interactions especially touching. Not to sound sappy, but the love and care comes through strong. Excellent.
| Yeade chapter 3 . 4/14/2005
'This was a hallucination, Legolas thought after a moment. He closed his eyes, a part of him firmly convinced that when he opened them again Aragorn would reappear in a small flash of white light.'
'Fraid not, Legolas. That would be too easy. Not to mention difficult to explain. :P
EN: '...shedding a sickly silver light onto the scenery.' Just "on" would work as well.
EN: '...and the man's knowledge of the healing arts which was far superior to his should have informed him...' Separate the which clause from the rest of the sentence with commas or hyphens.
EN: '...broken twigs and upturned pebbles and increasingly large drops of blood [that] eve[r?] increased the fear in Legolas'[s] heart...' Nothing here that hasn't already been covered in my last two reviews, but this section jarred me a bit while reading.
EN: 'Neither, he decided a moment later numbly...' For better flow and coherency, consider moving "numbly" after "decided".
EN: '...all of them seeming to lead over to the tree from the northern side of the clearing where there were the fewest trees.' While I understand what you're getting at, it might be less confusing if you somehow differentiated between the surrounding forest and the tree in the clearing or otherwise clarified where exactly the lone tree is. For example, you might give the tree in the clearing a bit more detail by specifying it as a maple or gnarly and old or such from the beginning.
'To the left of the tree, where the ground was churned up the worst, lay Aragorn's sword...'
So, is there a story behind the sword? I remember that troublesome Elven dagger from "To Walk In Night" that Aragorn got from the Lord and Lady of the Golden Wood, and the man has more affinity for swords than knives. You know... the first appearance of Narsil is actually one of the clearer memories I have of reading FOTR. I thought: What the hell does he expect to do with a broken sword? And *he's* going to defend Frodo and friends from the Black Riders? ...but I digress. Made by the Elves? Another family heirloom? Both? I think the best idea I've come across as to what sword Aragorn carts around when he needs a practical weapon has the sword as a symbol of the Chieftains, passed down to Aragorn by his father. Without the great history of Narsil, but important nonetheless.
Bah. I can't believe I just spent an entire paragraph yattering on about weaponry. Oh, wait. I did that the previous review. -_-;;
'Trolls! Whatever would be next?'
If only he knew.
'He didn't really want to know, Legolas decided a moment later.'
Ah. I see. Probably for the better, really. Otherwise Legolas would refuse to go anywhere - no matter how short and seemingly harmless the trip - with Aragorn, never mind a journey as inherently dangerous as the Ring Quest. Then where would we be?
EN: '...out of the trouble he was in at the moment, that should be quite enough...' This is quite the run-on sentence, and I'm of the opinion that the more correct form would be better for pacing.
EN: 'The trolls must have woken not much after they had run into the orcs...' Since we're talking time, "not long" might be more fitting.
EN: 'Not even if Aragorn had been well he would have stood a chance...' Swap the locations of "he" and "would". This is basically the same issue I pointed out in my last review, regarding Legolas not being able to dodge a blow after being concussed.
EN: 'With a dark curse[,] Legolas finally stood to his feet...' Having both "stood" and "to his feet" is somewhat repetitive. More common is "got to his feet" and "climbed to his feet".
EN: '...appear on first glance.' Here, "at first glance" is more typical.
EN: '...paid [for] with their lives.'
Erm. I just realized it seems like there are a *lot* of English corrections. Don't worry about it! I still fully stand by my e-mail in praising you for a great job overall. You do indeed write better (and with more care and intelligence) than a number of fanfic writers who claim English as their native language. Most of the points I bring up either involve colloquialisms that take years to pick up or obscure grammar rules that trip everybody up from time to time. In fact, most of your readers probably don't even notice half the things I bring up! I'm just picky that way. Always have been. :)
'He had been hunting with the twins a few dozen years ago, and they had come past the cave.'
Hmph. Trust an Elf to remember an offhand comment made decades ago.
'...a story about how Glorfindel had supposedly written a rather rude word on Lord Erestor's forehead some hundred years ago.'
Oddly enough, probably true. :P
'And when he did and these creatures had hurt his friend, they would wish they had never left their cave and set foot into these woods, he would make sure of that.'
Well, the first two items in that to-do list will definitely be done, but the last... All by yourself? Oh, Legolas... He never learns, does he? Oh, and I would suggest fixing the run-on sentence.
A few comments on the scene as a whole: I think Legolas remains admirably calm and logical throughout. In my reading of it, the prose seems to convey that Legolas is, again, in a state of detached shock. That is, a portion of his mind is tracking, figuring out where the trolls' lair is, and making plans to intercept, and another portion is still - likely has been since Glorfindel got an arrow in the chest - panicking. So, for most of the time, he's reasoning out what happened, but occasionally ends up berating himself and on the verge of just sitting down and having a good cry. Or a good scream. He might have been more in control, but he's suffering the lingering effects of that blow to the head. That's the impression I got, or at least an interpretation of the scene. I can't think of another explanation for how moody Legolas seems, in that the tone of his thoughts changes with every paragraph, one moment rather clinical, the next emotionally distraught.
EN: 'Elrond stopped scowling at himself and let the brush sink down with which he had tried to conquer his hair’s stubborn refusal to co-operate.' Since the additional information following "with which" applies to the brush, try to get the entire phrase as close as possible to what it's expounding on by moving "sink down" to the end of the sentence. And isn't "co-operate" one word?
'It was all Thranduil's fault...'
LOL! When in doubt, blame the Elven-king of Mirkwood.
'...he had never been like this, not even when Elros had still been alive.'
Methinks Elrond has the selective memory all parents seem to acquire the moment they have children.
'If she was here now, Elrond knew, she would take that brush from him and help him untangle his hair...'
;_; Stop, stop! I haven't cried over a story since I was five! Elrond totally gets the shaft, doesn't he? His father, his mother, his twin brother, his wife, and later his only daughter and mortal foster son. Man, what a bummer.
EN: '"Alright," he told his reflection darkly...' See note in Chapter 2 review on Glorfindel and grammar unbefitting an Elf-lord. :P
EN: '...his still raised knuckles would almost have made contact with Elrond’s nose.' I'm not sure why you have "would" in there.
EN: '...a mildly admonishing look [that] Elrond...' Refer to that/which dilemma, as explained in the Chapter 2 review.
EN: 'He had barely spoken that word when a[,] from the looks of it[,] rather horrified elf...' I don't think "from the looks of it" is necessary, but block it with commas if you want to keep it.
EN: 'Only a few miles from the most northern guard post.' For better flow, perhaps "northernmost". Yes, it is a word.
'...the broken stub of an arrow still protruding from the right side of other elf's lower chest.'
Oh, that's good, Elrond! It's not *too* close to the heart and lungs. What's down there besides intestines, liver, kidneys and such? And there are even *two* kidneys! Glorfindel can spare one. (Assuming Elven physiology is anything like human, which seems likely given that marriages of the two races produce children that are physically fine, if a bit on the reckless and insane side.)
EN: 'Elrohir answered while he was helping his father to divest the wounded elf of his shirt...' With "while" there, you can use the simple preterite.
'I think the arrow got stuck between two ribs.'
If so, Glorfindel got lucky. Or perhaps not, as I'm not sure how you would go about removing the arrow without cracking some ribs.
'You want to push it through.'
Ow. I know that's possible, but... wouldn't there be stuff in the way? Well, if anyone knows which direction to push the arrow in, it's Elrond.
EN: '...nearly enough to tear his hear[t] apart...' A simple, but distracting, typo.
'Elrond closed his eyes for a moment, asking himself once again just why he had let them go on this accursed hunting trip anyway.'
After giving the matter a bit of thought, I've decided that all the trouble Aragorn, Legolas, and the twins get into is not solely the result of intrinsic bad luck and reckless behavior. No, all that trouble wouldn't regularly be taken to catastrophic levels if only - when not ruining fine clothing with blood and sporting half a dozen other injuries - the four in question weren't so darn young, cute, lively and optimistic. It infects their elders and impairs reason, which usually says all four should be tied to pillars in the courtyard where everyone can keep an eye on them instead of cavorting off on some fool hunting trip. But, no, in the end, neither Elrond nor Thranduil seem to be able to resist all the puppy-dog eyes and "please, Ada, please" supplications.
Er. Forgive me, but I'm getting hungry and can't write much more. After this point, there were a few minor English issues - mainly run-on sentences. The whole sequence after Legolas enters the trolls' cave is one nicely done descriptive passage after another. Legolas's fire diversion isn't a bad idea, and quite impressive considering how little time he had to come up with it, but I have to admit the whole everyone-will-suffocate issue is... distressing. Basically, the entire last scene is very believable and works well as a slow buildup to more action.
Yatta! Until next time! Food!
| Yeade chapter 2 . 4/13/2005
'...there are quite a lot of people looking forward to, and I quote, "Aragorn hurt/comfort, blood, sickness, poison".'
What? It's so... fascinating. Besides, *I* have perfectly logical reasons. Mostly because Aragorn is (nearly) always so controlled, *in* control and untouchable in LOTR; putting him in a relatively weak position is a rather novel way to go about things. Plus, with all those darn Elves about, he's relatively easy to hurt, and he can be hurt to great effect because of his close, familial relations with those aforementioned Elves, who've been in the habit of worrying about his frail mortal self since he first caught the measles. Like many of my favorite characters, there's a certain innate dignified stubbornness about Aragorn that I like to see tested (in as many cruel, sadistic ways as possible). Finally, wading into the shallow end of the pool, he's cute for a dirty, scruffy Ranger type. Note that most of the above also applies for Legolas, with the added treat of ruining his perpetually styled hair.
'He didn't know whether it was because of his elven blood or because he had grown up here in Rivendell with the twins, but Estel didn't forget such things easily.'
Ha! I hate to break it to you, Elvynd, but humans don't forget such things easily either. The Second People don't have the immortal lives of Elves, but share the tendency to pass on grudges to the next generation. Even more so, as that's the only way Men have to keep such things alive. (Well, I suppose Men could also just write things down. Most prefer to take a more active role though.)
'It was widely considered a miracle that the Lord of Rivendell hadn't gone insane yet, but Elvynd was a supporter of the theory that it could only be a matter of time.'
Luckily, the whole business with Sauron and his One Ring was taken care of before Elrond cracked. Hm. On the other hand, I'm not sure any sane person would send the Fellowship across the room together and unaccompanied, much less to Mordor. :P
EN: 'The young dark haired captain swallowed heavily and shot two of his snickering men who were riding next to him fiery glares.'
Two points, one of which I forgot to mention for the previous chapter. First, "dark haired" and similar adjectival phrases should be hyphenated. Second, who clauses should be bracketed by commas, hyphens or other punctuation, depending on how long the additional comment is and where in the sentence it occurs. So, instead: 'The young dark[-]haired captain swallowed heavily and shot two of his snickering men[,] who were riding next to him[,] fiery glares.'
EN: '"What kind of dispute is it you are talking about?"'
This is awkward. If you're going for a more formal question, I would write: '"What kind of dispute [are] you [speaking of]?"' There are endless variations.
EN: '...turned to look at the stag in question that was at the moment draped over one of the pack animals...'
Okay. The that/which dilemma I don't really understand. As a general rule of thumb, use "that" when you aren't expecting the stuff after to be long and involved. Otherwise, use "which", but make sure to separate the which clause from the rest of the sentence with commas. That is: '...turned to look at the stag in question[, which] was at the moment draped over one of the pack animals...'
EN: '"Yes, you were!" Elrohir exclaimed, half-indignantly and half-offended.'
This is going to sound contradictory given my earlier comment, but those last two descriptors probably shouldn't be hyphenated. I *think* you hyphenate only when the adjectival phrase is directly before what's being described. However, I'm not sure. Also, use the adjective form "indignant" instead of the adverb.
'Just as he had thought, the twins and Estel straightened up on their horses, and three pairs of grey eyes fixed unbelievingly on the wood-elf's widely grinning face.'
Huh. I think it's revealing that Estel is taking offense, too. Technically, he's not Noldor. He's not even an Elf! Yet, as he considers Elrond his father in all but blood, he's firmly with the twins here. Unless he's feeling insulted *for* his foster family.
'It hadn't exactly been a friendly meeting, and now that he remembered it from a safe distance, he was more than ever of the opinion that it was a major miracle that they hadn't killed each other.'
Oh. My. God. Don't be a damn tease!
Anyways, an interesting take on the Aragorn-Legolas friendship in its early stages. Despite being deceived by appearances in the beginning, both get over those superficial differences in record time and settle into a fated, at-first-sight best-friendship. In a backwards fashion, trusting each other in life-and-death situations comes first, followed by the development of that deep sense of what the other thinks and will do. Yay.
I also have one other comment about the scene in general. Whether you intended so or not, the whole who-shot-the-stag-first debate is *exactly* what I would expect from, essentially, four young nobles out on a leisure hunt. Elvynd's role, I think, definitely fits that of the close servant that doesn't want to be dragged into mediating between the sons of his Lord and a visiting royal of equally exalted rank. I like that you don't shy away from the fact that the twins, Legolas, and Aragorn (for that matter, nearly all the major Elves in your fics) are high society. They are Tolkien's representation of ideal royalty and shouldn't behave as the common people do, barring amnesia, disguise or the like.
EN: 'He's not talking to anyone, not even to father or Erestor.' Admittedly a minor concern, but "father" should be capitalized as you're referring to Elrond specifically. It's as if "father" is Elrond's name. The same goes for "ada", but I figure the italics already set it apart from the rest of the text. Note that adding "my" before would negate the capitalization; "my friend", "my lord", "my brother", "my captain" and "my king" are all lower case. Unless you want to emphasize the title in an artistic decision.
EN: '"He would simply stare at you with that patented 'Why-am-I-surrounded-by-imbeciles-look' and walk away."' Way too many hyphens in there. Pick one or the other. If you slot it in quotes, you don't need hyphens, and vice versa. Also, "look" should be separate from the rest regardless of which method you choose.
EN: '...because in this moment the object of their discussion stopped his horse...' Use "at that moment" instead.
'"Glorfindel? What is wrong?"'
DUN-DUN-DUN. DEATH AND DOOM. :P
EN: 'The sun was just setting in the West...' Ah, yet two more capitalization issues no one can quite resolve. Since we're talking Middle-earth here, I tend to lean toward "sun" being lower case unless the word's being used in a... mythological sense (e.g. Narsil shining with the light of Sun and Moon). When speaking of direction, I like to see "west" in lower case as well; however, the cardinal directions should be capitalized when used in the societal sense (e.g. Men of the West, with "men" being a whole 'nother can of worms). Of course, if Tolkien has any preferences...
'Another quick nod.'
Elrohir's right. Elrond will be so pleased. And you just know that someone, in Dol Guldur or Isengard or Moria or Barad-dûr or someplace, is missing a patrol of Orcs.
EN: '"Alright," he began insistently...' If I were being strict, I'd nag you about replacing "alright" with "all right". As it is, I'm going to make the argument that even "all right" is unbefitting an Elf-lord of Glorfindel's stature and suggest "very well" instead.
EN: '...As soon as we come into reach and can spot our targets...' Another little nitpick. As Glorfindel is talking combat tactics, use "we are in range".
'...who said that *they* didn’t have bows as well?'
*Thank* you. Honestly, with those vaunted Elven archers around, no self-respecting Orc would go into a pitched fight without some bows among his own. I don't know my medieval history all that well, but bows - particularly longbows and crossbows - drastically changed warfare, and despite the fact that Middle-earth as a whole is not medieval, combat seems to be more or less so. You know, now that I think about it, I can't remember any mention of crossbows, in canon or fanfic. It seems likely that the Elves, at the *very* least, would have access to longbows, even if it's not explicitly stated in the canon (and I can't remember whether it is). Personal crossbows, I think, don't have the range of longbows, but would serve, say, the Rohirrim well, as versions of the weapon can be fired on the go using only one hand without losing much, if any, of its killing power. Er, I think.
'...everything that possibly could have gone wrong had gone wrong...'
Is anyone truly surprised?
'...the fair[-]haired elf did the one thing everybody else seemed to have done already: He jumped off his snorting and stomping horse...'
Gah! There goes the rest of Glorfindel's plan. At least Legolas realizes this.
'Neither the twins nor Aragorn seemed to be seriously injured, which was at least something...'
Somehow I get the feeling this (relatively) happy situation isn't going to last.
'...when he turned back to his opponents he realised that the moment of distraction would cost him dearly.'
Actually, Legolas has been rather distracted, or at least disconnected, since the start of this scene. Shock?
'...a clawed, dirty-grey fist appeared in his line of vision, wrapped around what looked like a sword hilt.'
So, why didn't the Orcs take advantage of Legolas's momentary inattention to *kill* him? Oh, I know it would've made your readers mad, mad, mad, but this act strikes me as something an attacker would do if the plan all along was to incapacitate. Surely if that Orc could manage to whack Legolas upside the head with the pommel of his sword, he could just as easily have used the business end. Legolas got lucky, I guess. :P
'The orc's fist, slamming into his temple...'
Technically, it was the hilt of the Orc's sword, lol.
'Oh the Valar, why did every single one of their expeditions have to end like *this*?'
Well, Legolas, I think you're putting responsibility where it belongs.
EN: 'Not even if he had been able to move as fast as usual he could had saved himself...' More of my nitpicking, I'm afraid. I would suggest "could he have saved" for coherency and better flow.
'Many of the fell beasts were staring at the ranger[,] who was still not letting go of the orc [that] was currently rather busy trying to gut him...'
Orc 1: Did he just...? Is he...?
Orc 2: I can't believe it either, mate.
'...he heard a strangled, pain-filled and most definitely human scream.'
Yatta! I mean... Oh, no! Poor Aragorn! :P
'...his knife had not been designed as a throwing knife...'
Just how long are Legolas's knives anyways? I think I read somewhere that once you graduate to swords, the best way to throw the things is horizontally, putting the spin on the hilt. Not that this is the recommended way to use a sword in the first place.
'...past the cut and torn muscle the elf could see something gleaming white that had to be bone.'
Ow. Are we talking the actual hipbone? Aragorn got lucky, too. :P
'...he grabbed the man’s arm and dragged him to his feet...'
His *right* arm, I hope.
'Elbereth, no, not good.'
Hey, cheer up! It could be worse.
'...Aragorn was nowhere to be seen.'
Never mind, lol. No, not good.
Oh, Legolas, Legolas. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be thorough. I can understand his paranoia though. After just a year traveling about in Aragorn's company, Legolas has likely developed the frame of mind that says if he *doesn't* scout the landslide, another group of Orcs *would* stumble across the pair. So while Aragorn wouldn't be missing, the two would have a different problem on hand. It's a lose-lose situation, lol, and I really shouldn't be taking as much joy in it as I am.
That's all for now! Later!
| Yeade chapter 1 . 4/12/2005
You know, relatively short though it is, I think "Everlasting" might very well be my favorite of all your fics. Like "Straight Paths," there are really no external evils for our heroes to contend with besides Orcs and Trolls and so forth - more the result of bad luck than some Machiavellian scheme. Nearly all the conflict is internal, and as much as I enjoy big, sprawling plots and pitting our boys against any number of villains, character angst and drama will likely always be first in my heart. Both "Straight Paths" and "Everlasting" focus on such, but, er, I just think the writing in "Everlasting" is somewhat better. :)
Without further ado, my review of the first chapter! A bit of commentary and the best I can do in regards to grammar and general English.
'While Legolas is visiting his friends in Rivendell over Midyear's Day, a short hunting trip takes a turn for the worst when they unexpectedly encounter a group of orcs.'
I have to agree with Elrond (98% of the Rivendell Elves, 99% of the Mirkwood Elves, and assorted others). Why, *why* do Aragorn, the twins, and Legolas bother to go anywhere? In fact, how do they find the courage to even set foot outside their rooms? The Elves in question haven't managed to return unscathed from *any* trips - starting with a stroll in the woods and working up to extended vacations in neighboring Elven realms - in *centuries*, and I'm convinced Aragorn's attraction to near-death situations dates back to when he was *two*. I don't generally consider any of the four *stupid*, but in this one area, I admit it's getting difficult to believe otherwise. At least all four mellowed (somewhat) in old age.
EN: '...but they were behaving rather childish and vengeful lately – unlike him, of course. *He* was behaving like it befitted a young lord of twenty-one years, even though he was willing to admit that he was suffering some relapses from time to time.'
I would suggest instead: '...but they were behaving [in a] rather childish and vengeful [manner] lately – unlike him, of course. *He* was behaving [as] befitted a young lord of twenty-one years, even though he was willing to admit that he [suffered] some relapses from time to time.'
EN: '...if Legolas and twins were to pause the tiniest bit and actually thought about the entire situation for a moment...' Given your use of "were" earlier, "thought" should probably be replaced with "think".
EN: '...into the direction of the windows and the balcony door.' Just "in" here.
EN: '...just when he was thinking that he had probably imagined things, another small noise could be heard...'
This is a bit awkward and can be rewritten in various ways. For example: '...just [as] he [began thinking] that he[']d imagined things, [he heard] another small noise...' Note that the second half, as it is in the fic, is passive, which should generally be avoided for active phrasing.
EN: '"Indeed," Legolas grinned at the dripping man.' I would punctuate with a period after "indeed", but in fanfic this is more or less a matter of personal preference.
EN: 'The look on the twins' and Legolas' faces...'
Two points here. First, when you have two or more possessives in a row, the "apostrophe-s" is tacked only on the last. Second, the "s" is omitted only if the "apostrophe-s" follows a name that ends in "s" AND that name is one syllable OR the "apostrophe-s" is being applied to a plural, such as "wizards". So: 'The look on the twins and Legolas'[s] faces...' The easiest way to figure out how the "apostrophe-s" rules apply is to sound it out. If that last "s" belongs, the possessive name has a sort of "es" ending - for instance, Chris"es" Mighty War Hammer of Doom.
EN: '...in face of their fury? Oh yes, the elven prince nodded inwardly, to *embellish* them.' I take it you mean the floral-patterned weapons. I think maybe you should make that clear.
This whole scene is just delightful - very playful and lighthearted. I think the one thing that impressed me the most is the pacing and how it changes as the scene progresses. In the beginning, long and languid descriptive paragraphs, a perfect match to Aragorn lazying about in bed on a beautiful morning. Then the pace picks up a bit when the twins sneak onto the balcony. It slows minutely while Aragorn ponders the implications of the twins being so noisy and obvious, followed suddenly by a torrent of fast, snarky dialogue after Legolas dowses Aragorn. When the twins finally scram, even though Aragorn and Legolas talk the entire time, it seems to me that the atmosphere shifts into calmer territory. I'm not sure why I get this feeling - less snarking, longer sentences, more serious adjectives and the topics of the conversation may all contribute. At any rate, excellent writing. And nice creativity with the pranks. :)
On Tar-Elendil's sculpture: I wish more writers would at least touch on this idea as you have. It's unlikely that Elrond *didn't* at times visit with the Númenórean royal family, and I *adore* the idea of these young Númenórean princes and princesses gifting their half-elven great-great-whatever-uncle with little arts and crafts. "And this, Legolas, is the finger-painting the third King of Númenor, Tar-Amandil, did for Ada. Hm? Oh, that brown and maroon blob, I think. *His* father, Vardamir Nólimon, made this..." I think the sentiment I'm looking for is expressed well by another of my favorite writers. Halbarad speaking of Aragorn and the twins:
"It's different for [Elladan and Elrohir]. Someday, their brother will sit atop the mighty throne of Gondor, ruling half of Middle Earth, and even then they will see fit to remind him of the time he doctored Lord Elrond’s afternoon tea when he was six."
You've expanded the idea to include Elrond and his relations in Númenor. Bravo.
On a completely different note, I wonder whether the fanfic trend of Aragorn being somewhat shamed of his lineage and determined to take upon himself all the sins of his forefathers is mainly rooted in the movie portrayal of Aragorn as the reluctant King. I get the impression that he's not nearly so conflicted about his future role in the books, and though he joins the Ring Quest to help right Isildur's mistake, he seems proud enough of his noble heritage. What gives? Not that I don't enjoy reading about Aragorn agonizing over his ancestors' weaknesses - I do and would never give it up, so long as it's done as well as you do it - but I'm interested in knowing where this view comes from.
Oh, and you're missing the "ê" from "Anadûnê".
EN: '...it also *would* end in pain, disaster, death or blood.' I suggest taking out "also", as you've already emphasized "would". The could-would contrast is enough for me.
'...you didn’t really need to possess the gift of foresight to predict an unfavourable outcome to any excursion his sons and the Prince of Mirkwood undertook.
'Oh no, the Lord of Rivendell thought sarcastically, you didn't need to be foresighted to realise that. All you needed was a bit of common sense and a memory of average efficiency, and you reached that conclusion all by yourself in a matter of moments.'
LOL! So true! As much as I enjoy *reading* about the (mis)adventures of the twins, Legolas, and Aragorn, I would never, ever, *ever* want to be there, either to join in the "fun" or deal with the fallout. In truth, since I'm not an Elf, a Ranger or a villain necessary for either plot or torture, I wouldn't survive past the second chapter. *Possibly* the third if nothing happens in the first two.
'Elrond ignored the other elf's question and merely stared at him with a raised eyebrow. "'Three-headed ravenous flesh-eating squirrels'?"'
Do they even have squirrels in Middle-earth? :P
EN: 'At the confused look on the other elf’s face he added, "Tell me, my lord, what time of year we have?"' This just strikes me as... weird, and I can't come up with a better phrasing. Perhaps "what time of [the] year [is it]?"
'"Promise me to be careful, all of you. If you encounter orcs or anything else that could be dangerous in any way, I want you to turn around and run."
'"We do not run from orcs," Elrohir scoffed.
'"Oh yes, you will, or you won't be leaving," Elrond retorted in a steely tone of voice.'
Ha! The young ones never learn, but their elders know what to expect by now, though the latter still haven't accepted that any attempts to forestall disaster are generally futile. Much love for the above and the cataloging of medical supplies. Also of note, though everyone shows a good sense of humor (in Elrond's case, a sort of black humor), it's obvious who's older than whom. Unfortunately, I'm not sure where the difference lies.
I don't have much to say about the Glorfindel situation at this point, besides that the short scene between him and Elrond was nicely done. It struck the right tone with me, and the descriptions of Glorfindel were encompassing without being overdone.
Ugh. Long. I'll review the next chapter after I recover feeling in my fingers. -_-;;
| crazyAZN kid chapter 4 . 4/5/2005
Aragorn's grandfather's name was Aragorn the I.
| joy chapter 1 . 12/26/2004
Were you going to update sometime this century? Or do we have to somehow comunicate with you telepathically to get the rest of the story?
| Gollum's Fish chapter 5 . 12/10/2004
I bow to your scripting skills, once more. You have a certain way of writing which grabs the reader by the nose and forces them to read on. Fantastic talent - do you ever do original fiction? If you do, you should definately consider having something published...
This story, though shorter than your other ones *I was a little surprised by the reletive shortness next to the others* was no less wonderfully entertaining! Your characters were, as always, superbly in character, and the things you had them put through made me wince ... on the other hand, I think they all got off lightly, considering what Geran put them through *thinks of that scene with the whip and shudders*. God, when did I read that one? A while ago - just goes to show that a good fic stays with you!
Anyway, fantastic story, I thoroughly enjoyed it!
| notthepageyouarelookingfor chapter 1 . 11/7/2004
I've only read the first chapter, but anything involving those four has got to be funny. I don't have any complaints so far, and hopefully won't have any in the future. If you want to see what I do to elves, read my story (I only have one at the moment). It's not LOTR, but I've been told that the elf acts like a young Aragorn. You'll probably find his stupidity highly amusing, judging by your writing.
| Not Here 999 chapter 5 . 9/27/2004
Another great story. I always enjoy reading your work and I am looking forward to the next one.
| Salara chapter 1 . 9/26/2004
Nach Wochen krankheits- und zeitbedingter Schreibabstinenz will ich nun wenigstens ein paar Review-Zeilen zu „Everlasting“ loswerden, ehe deine neue Story diese hier ganz verdrängt.
Ich habe mit Freude gesehen, wie gut und flüssig sich auch ein Glorfindel-zentrierter Handlungsstrang mit den Abenteuern von Aragorn und Legolas verbinden und dann sogar auch noch meinen erklärten Lieblingselben eine wichtige Rolle spielen läßt. Kompliment, liebe Nili.
Trolle als Gegenspieler sind ein (sehen wir jetzt mal von Meister Tolkien ab) vergleichsweise selten benutztes Element. Um so spannender war, was du daraus gemacht hast!
Kurzes Fazit einer (zugegeben) kurzen Review: dies ist eine Geschichte zum Immer-wieder-Lesen-und-doch-jedes-Mal-etwas-Neues-finden!
So, dann wünsche ich dir für dein neues Projekt viel Erfolg, eine fleißige Muse und viel Zeit neben deinem Studium.
| Jera chapter 5 . 9/15/2004
I finally got back online and found the first email was an alert about your new story. I cheerfully abandoned the other 150 emails and came to finish this story and start the next!
I loved the 'arguement' between Legolas and Aragorn at the start and Legolas' absolute determination to get Aragorn back to Rivendell. And Legolas' reaction to seeing Elladan - “Well,
| TheMadSister chapter 5 . 8/23/2004
I'm really so much sorry that I never review your stories before... Well, since I just discover your stories not long ago, I couldn't have done otherwise, but I feel a little guilty... So, sorry again!
I just finish to read all your stories yesterday... Wow. You are an amazing writer! I really love the way you write. Your stories are intriguing, funny, sad, gripping and had kept me glued to my computer for hours and hours! Not kidding. You are now amongst my favorite authors!
I particularly love your humor... Oh my! I choked on my coffee quite a few times! _; Three-headed ravenous flesh-eating squirrels? lol Now, *that* is terrifying! *shudders* I hope I will never stumble on one of them!
“Don’t worry. If … if someone comes, I will pretend to be a bush.
| chip chapter 5 . 8/12/2004
oh darn...it's over... x,x well, that just means you've got to write another story! . it's all about becoming a writer... *shakes head sadly*
dale-yummy . *eats pudding*
*glares* you just TOTALLY missed the point...
dale-heh heh, sorry *apologetically*
*sighs*...*shakes head* well, buh-bye! *waves*
| grumpy chapter 5 . 8/9/2004
ok what is marmite? anything like peanut butter.
Loved this story, liked the part about Glorfindel's problem. Just started reading the Silarillion, had the book for years, if not decades. Glad that he and Elrond had a talk, finally. Also very glad that Legolas and Estel got back, even if it was in the not well shape. Never play with trolls, or let them find you. Elrond's new healer sounds like she is up to the challage of keeping them where they belong.
looking forward to your next story.
| vampy2k chapter 5 . 8/7/2004
Yey, Everyones ok again. I really like this story. Please post your next story soon. Luv Vamp