|Reviews for Winters' End|
| Fyona chapter 8 . 12/23/2002
awesome fic! it's a lot better than a lot of Lina/Zel fics that have nothing to do with the Slayers plot/story. d_b thumbs-up!
| solderini chapter 8 . 10/2/2002
OK, I usually try to be nice when I'm reviewing, but to tell you the truth I didn't find much to be nice about in this fic. I will, however, refrain from being as sarcastic as I feel right now.
First things first: you neither spell-checked nor grammar-checked this. This is very sad, as it shows you didn't care enough about either this fic or your readers to take the five minutes it would have taken to do both. Also, random capitalizations were the norm in the Dark Ages, but obviously we are no longer in those times. These factors combined made this a bad read, and I'm only talking about letters. I haven't even started on punctuation.
If you don't know how to use semicolons, leave them out. Example (taken from The Elements of Style, the book to read if you want to write): "I had never been in a place before; besides, it was as dark as a tomb." Two complete phrases, linked by a common idea. Semicolons and commas are not interchangeable.
Now for the actual content:
1. When one writes a lemon, one labels it NC-17. When one writes an alternate universe fic, one labels it AU. This is so that the reader will know what to expect. It also allows you a bit of leeway: people know that your characters will be slightly different than they are on the show/in the book/wherever you got them from.
2. That said, even for an AU, these characters were too out of character to even be called by the same names. You might as well have written a "Snow Queen/Harlequin Romance Novel" crossover fic. I won't even go into how each character is out of character, because if you can't see it, you haven't actually seen Slayers.
3. The story itself was bland and unimaginative. One of the reasons for this is because the characters, far from the colorful characters of Slayers, are boring people. Boring characters make for bad storytelling. If they were interesting and out of character, that would have at least piqued my curiosity. However, they turned out to be generic, overused paper dolls, with no life in them. The second reason the story was boring was because, well, it was boring. Everything that happened was completely expected. The lack of twists had me yawning before I was done with the third chapter.
4. Your writing style leaves much to be desired. The utter lack of description left a great big hole in my mental imagery. Perhaps the readers who gave you good reviews were psychics, and could get the surroundings directly from your mind, but I am not a mind reader. I will say that I sometimes write with a lack of description as well, but it is always deliberate; I leave the details to the reader because they are not important to the story. However, you had a wonderful opportunity to develop the Lina/Zel romance further but showing them walking through the ice palace, Lina's wonder at the amazing new world she's being exposed to, and Zel marveling at her child-like nature, and you blew it. I mean, you really blew it. I couldn't "see" any of the surroundings, and the only reason I "saw" the characters is because I've seen Slayers. The reader has a hard enough time looking at the symbols on the page, translating them into words, translating those words into concepts in their head, and viewing those concepts visually. You don't need to add to the problem by leaving out imagery.
5. The romance was underdeveloped. #4 applies here as well: you left out almost all emotional description. Romance is a genre that is based on emotion, and people's actions as a result of that emotion. If you leave out the emotion, you don't have a romance. This barely qualifies as one. Where is the angst? Where is the questioning? Where is the 'Oh wow, I'm in love'? Where is the romance? Not here, I'll tell you that.
In conclusion, I would like to state the following:
1. This fic made me want to whack my head against my computer's monitor until I forgot how to read.
2. I truly feel it was a waste of thirty minutes of my time.
3. This is not a flame. It is merely a harsh criticism of your work, one which I believe is deserved.
That's all I have to say.
| beltsquid chapter 8 . 10/2/2002
This, to put it lightly, needs work. This is an AU: therefore the alternative universe needs to be presented and explained in further detail. It's jarring to end up in a world that is not familiar to the reader, and then not to know much if anything about that world. Perhaps I read a different version of the Snow Queen, but the story feels nothing like it -or- Slayers.
Though it is an AU, keeping in-character is still important. If the characters aren't going to act like themselves, it might as well be an original story. They do allow that sort of thing at this site, you know. Lina Inverse isn't the type to let herself become a drudge of all things unless she had an underlying motive for her benefit. For one thing, the girl cannot stay in one place before she gets bored and moves on! Additionally, Lina is good with a sword and can brawl with full-grown men. She can handle herself, even without magic.
Poor, poor Zelgadis. Now not only is he cursed and living in an icy catacomb, he has also lost the sense of dignity, poise, and overall 'cool' that makes him an appealing character and a favorite choice for pairings. He's usually a determined, /driven/ character; in this fic he seems listless, and frankly, wussy.
Xelloss, Sylphiel, Filia, and Phibrizzo are so off-base I won't comment beyond that.
As for the writing itself: use a spell-check, and after doing that, check for mis-used homonyms. This is the very least you can do to edit and revise before posting. BTW, it's "lich" not "litch."
Be careful with your diction, as it led to some unintentionally hilarious lines, such as : "Trembling, Lina splashed to Zelgadis' side..." Did she liquefy? Instead of being lyrical it sounds silly.
As for the content? Xelloss said it best, and, for once, almost in character when he said "Oh how melodramatic!"
| Magic Toast chapter 8 . 9/29/2002
OOooo... GOOD STORY! -cuddling Zel plushie- Too bad he had to go with Lina... OH WELL! There's allways XELLOSS! -tosses away Zel plushie and cuddles Xelloss plushie-
| Amulak chapter 8 . 9/19/2002
I love that so much! I just HAD to add that to my favorite stories list! It's so cool and original! :D
| cant chapter 7 . 8/14/2002
please finish the fic
| cant chapter 7 . 8/5/2002
finish soon please please
| miyu chapter 7 . 3/23/2002
I liked the story besides the nasty parts here and there.
Mistress Impy: NooooOOOOO! XELLOSS! Why have youforsaken me soooOO! *Sobs into her hands*
Miyu: O.O... Anyway..._ sorry about that... my paitient has been acting...uhm yeeeeah...
oh well finish the fic and i only hope that in impy's favor that xelloss anf filia get together._
Oh i hope we enjoy the rest.
Miyu13 and Mistress Impy
Impy: *heard in background* .
| Aaridys chapter 7 . 3/1/2002
And the rest? Write faster dammit! _ tehee, it's a great story, I'll be looking forward to the next part!
| Lily chapter 4 . 2/25/2002
Wonderful, when will you finish it? I hope soon. Pleaz say you will. Byeee!
| Hiroko Maruyama chapter 7 . 1/22/2002
cute! I liked that! Zel's soooo cute when he blushes! I want to see what happens next! Rather, read what happens next!
| Darkling Blue chapter 7 . 1/21/2002
Yay! You finally did another chapter! I can't wait to find out what happens next.
| Guest chapter 7 . 1/20/2002
Where in the hell do you come UP with this stuff?
| Shizukanaryu chapter 6 . 1/16/2002
Oh, do continue, I would so love to read more. Such a beautiful idea - I simply cannot wait to have more. Please hear my pleas, -Shizukanaryu
| Princess Roly chapter 6 . 11/6/2001
Good fic...needs an ending though...will be waiting very impatiently for it. Very well written gives just enough info to keep us reading!