|Reviews for Love that kills|
| Guest2 chapter 19 . 9/22
Well it was very sweet and nice that they were finally together at the end of the story. If you are still writing fanfiction I hope you have improved a hundred fold over the years. It definitely had potential. I think this would have been better if you had written in third person rather than a first person narrative which needed work.
You really did feminizes Duo’s character. Sorry but he felt like a woman. You could have just as easily said he was a she in this story and it would be believable. This stories conclusion left so many loose ends; did you by chance do a sequel?
| Guest2 chapter 12 . 9/22
You were doing pretty good telling an agnsty story until this chapter 12. It feels sooo pretentious. Sighs. And the trope of another orphanage fire was too convenient and not believable. And Duo is the usual insecure wuss that no body loves; yeah right! Hopefully the rest of the story will be back on track and better. *keeps fingers crossed*
| Anonymous chapter 16 . 6/17/2017
This is like watching a chick flick. I thought the Gundam pilots were of male gender but it sure doesn't seem like it . . . None of them really sound in character. But if you labeled this as fantasy I guess we are good to go.
| Anonymous chapter 3 . 6/17/2017
I really hope this entire story isn't first person. It's more challenging for writers to write good third person stories. First person gets too cliche, bordering on Mary Sue.
I vote for Zechs. Two guys with beautiful long hair - YUMMM!
| duaimei chapter 19 . 6/28/2015
Thank you for this beautiful story!
| duaimei chapter 6 . 6/28/2015
These first few chapters are always so depressing to me. I feel like a baby for actually crying. I feel for Duo.
| Lizzie chapter 1 . 11/2/2013
Would men get sparkly engagement rings for one another?
Or more specifically, would these men with the highly dangerous jobs and backgrounds care about rings, let alone blingy expensive ones?
| Shinigami Kiyomi chapter 19 . 11/22/2012
Love it! :3 its beautiful and very touching :)
| Constructive Criticism chapter 8 . 6/8/2012
I expected more anger.
If I randomly met a friend who purposely cut communication with me without notice I'd be pissed.
Or I'd pretend not to know them.
If Duo really was Wufei's best friend I expected a fist to Duo's face.
| Constructive Criticism chapter 7 . 6/8/2012
Read out loud what you have written if you do not have a beta-reader.
"He had his dojo often went around competing in different tournaments."
You also used "He" for Tricia once.
Shouldn't you have Duo freaking out over loving a defenseless baby if he everyone he loves ends up dead?
| Constructive Criticism chapter 6 . 6/8/2012
I'm a little disappointed in the fanfiction world in general. People forget that sweet little Quatre with the Space Heart/Soul is a soldier, mechanic, strategist, engineer, and business man.
His hands would NEVER be soft. I don't know if you've ever worked with guns, but your hands get callused. There is the kick back every time you use one. They were all well versed in hand to hand combat. If you work on any type of engine or machine your hands end up scraped, burned, cut, and sometimes electrocuted.
Also, you have very obvious lines of who is the "woman" in the relationships.
My best friends are lesbians. As far as I know, there is a top in the bedroom and that is it. Unfortunately there is a reason why I know WHO the top is, but that's another story.
Outside of the bedroom they are equal partners, one taking the lead in certain things while the other does in another. This is how any relationship, gay or straight, should be. It feels a little demeaning to the characters to have such clear gender roles assigned to them. I'm sure Wufei would be furious.
I'm kind of hoping the next chapter is longer, since I spent more time writing this review than reading the chapter.
| Constructive Criticism chapter 5 . 6/8/2012
A little on the short side. Don't lean too heavily on songs to write for you. I personally don't care for songs to be inserted into stories. It chops up the narrative and it's hard to get a good flow. Instead of writing out the whole song, start a line and describe what's going on. You're basically using lyrics as filler.
*shakes finger at you*
No messing with margins on your homework!
The story appears to be moving a little fast since you keep time skipping between chapters.
This is a case where 3rd person omniscient would come in handy. It would be interesting to see the other pilots becoming suspicious or see something is wrong with Duo before Duo notices them noticing.
| Constructive Criticism chapter 4 . 6/8/2012
At least you knew Wufei was out of character.
Songs are tricky. All songs pretend to be poetry, but they don't follow the rules all of the time. Notes can be held out for a long while.
If you are not familiar with an instrument or voice, if you do not know how to read sheet music, DO NOT attempt to write song lyrics.
I noticed you did not consistently use rhyme and you forgot to add a refrain. You repeated the one thing a bit, but a refrain should have the same number of beats each time.
Quick run down of music. Most popular tempos are 4/4, 3/4, and... damn, it's been a while... it's something like 5/8 or 6/8. The bottom number refers to the note, 4 is a quarter note, 8 is an eighth note. The top number refers to how many beats in a measure. What this basically breaks down to is that 4/4 and 3/4 tend to have slower songs than a 6/8 song. Quarter notes last twice as long as eight notes, basic math.
If you are going to write a song, try for 4 or 8 beats in a line. I would suggest 8. This does not mean it is a fast song, it's just easier to use since the phrases can be longer. The easiest way to do this is to just use 4 or 8 syllables. Ending stanzas can be short a syllable or two as the note is held out. This isn't always the case, but probably what you were trying for here. Sad songs have drawn out sounds and tend to be slower in tempo (4 vs 8).
In poetry and song writing keep track of the number of beats you are using. They don't necessarily have to be the same each time but unless you're leaning toward Leaves of Grass as your inspiration, try to make sure the lines complement each other. 6, 8, 6, 8 works out nicely, and you can never go wrong with a sonnet.
| Constructive Critism chapter 3 . 6/8/2012
I do believe you're slipping into cliches and out of characterness (I'm aware that isn't a word, but eh, it's getting late).
Contrary to popular belief, cliches are not necessarily bad. Only when they are the substance of your story. Weddings must have flowers, cliche. Somehow, I can't imagine a Gundam wedding with flowers unless it was just Trowa and Quatre, and then it would be quietly done. But another thing is that Quatre is Muslim (I think)... well actually let's not get into that can of worms. Let's just go with the idea that given the demographic of the grooms there is a low probability of a traditional western wedding (western hemisphere, not cowboys and Indians).
BTW how the hell does Duo know about flowers? He grew up on the streets, became a soldier, and now, in theory, is a Preventer. There isn't much call for learning flower arranging in any of those situations.
Finally, if you knew you were going to have nightmares, you would either A. Avoid Sleep, or B. Drug yourself so when you do sleep you can't dream or can't remember your dreams. Alcohol is a popular choice. He could very well use the reason to get out of the room to go to bed to rest before the trip, and he could without lying. But he wouldn't try to rest before his nightmares, since nightmares come during rest.
| Constructive Criticism chapter 2 . 6/8/2012
For first person, it was good. There was a lot of description and the stream of consciousness worked well.
BUT... I advise against switching POV during a story. Or at least until you've read Moby-Dick and The Sound and the Fury, and written essays on each of them (only parts of each 'cause daaaaaaaaaamn) and received at least a C at a College 200 level. 'Course I don't recommend reading either before then unless you're an avid reader.
That being said, try to stick to a 3rd person point of view. Remember, it can be omniscient, partially omniscient, or not at all. But it is usually impartial and you can jump around to examine different things. The narrator always has a voice to add to it, but it provides a much clearer story. First person point of view is limited in what it can see, hear, experience, and is always biased.
By the way, I really don't recommend Moby-Dick as a story to read for pleasure. Read it to learn, but if you notice it on a syllabus, start it immediately. It's a long book with a lot of nonsense in it. Unless you are a skilled reader and bull-shitter, take your time with it.