|Reviews for His and Her Fairy Tale|
| ranneal chapter 3 . 4/22/2012
Another super sweet chapter!You are great with romantic writing. I do always read the 'author's notes' and see that you are writing in Tagalog... my filipino friends speak a combination of Tagalog and English...so I can follow along a little. I always wonder if these reviews are even read for these older stories...so a little experiment...write me a note if you read this...ok? Magandang gabi, salamat. (I don't know if these are spelled correctly.)
| ranneal chapter 2 . 4/22/2012
You really are great with these two characters...I love your story a lot so far...and the super writing style. I see in your 'author's note' that you are filipino...cool...I have some filipino and filipina friends at school and church. Salamat...for sharing your writing talent.
| ranneal chapter 1 . 4/22/2012
Wow! An amazing first chapter...I love it. Very creative idea and just so well written. I know it has been here for a while but I wasn't into Naruto till I got to be a certain age...and that wasn't until Shippuden had started. I am hardcore Naruto now and one of those guys that loves Kishi's shy,sad, but beautiful creation...Hinata.
| hiNAru Aburame chapter 10 . 2/23/2012
And... Awwwwwww! I LOVE IT!
| alwaysNaruHina chapter 10 . 12/16/2011
Lovely story, I like it!
| Arisu-chan chapter 10 . 5/15/2011
I really like the ending. Well, I basically like the entire fic :) I'm just glad Naruto's not the hyperactive kid he used to be when he was in his tweens. Your portrayal of them is just great.
I shall check out your other Naruto fic if you have any.
| Guest chapter 6 . 1/16/2011
in the end it was awesome. dont let the demons, warlocks, and gremlins of your inner mind take hold. just let that funky rythym flow.
| aegisZero chapter 10 . 7/20/2010
excellent! really enjoyed it
| Kirbs chapter 10 . 11/8/2009
Hey, I realize this may be a little bit late, but I just wanted to add my two cents. This is, quite easily, the best NaruHina that I have ever read, and I don't judge these easily. Naruto/Hinata is my favorite pairing, and you pulled it off wonderfully. Thank you very much for this excellent contribution! :D
| Demondaime chapter 10 . 7/30/2009
I totally loved this story...please do write another...ARIGATO GONZAIMAS
| kiubi123 chapter 10 . 7/12/2009
AWSUM! sequle!sequle!sequle! (sorry super hyper) XD
| XxqpChihiro chapter 10 . 6/29/2009
I really like this story. You did a good job on it. I don't really read Hinata and Naruto stories, I'm more of a Sasuke and Sakura fan, but this was really good! I just don't get one this though; When Hinata's Dad said to leave, does that mean that Hinata isn't a loud to see him agian, and that there father/daughter relashionship is gone? 'Cause that would be really sad. (
Well, keep up the good work!
| 9foxgrl chapter 10 . 6/14/2009
9foxgrlTee hee...I loved the ending..*sniffs*
Naruto:HECK YA! HINATA IS MINE!
9foxgrl:...how long did it take YOU TO REALIZE THAT YOU MORON!
*Naruto's head meets a fold up chair, a vase, and Hanabi's collection of manga*
| Perpetual159 chapter 10 . 4/30/2009
Well, I could tell that, as this story progressed, your lack of interest in it showed quite blatantly; my suspicion was confirmed when you admitted it yourself in your author's note.
Technically speaking, the story was well written in terms of grammar. I seem to remember someone complaining about tenses, and whatnot. Writing a story in present tense is not wrong or "bad." But, for the sake of not confusing some readers, as that seemed to be the case, I would keep the tense unanimous, because it really doesn't affect whether you're talking about the past or present, after all, you had used italics for your flashbacks. So, whoever said you can't use present tense to tell a story obviously doesn't know what he/she is talking about, and I'd recommend them going back to grade school and touch up on their grammar.
The plot of the story, on the other hand, was a complete disappointment, to be honest. While I personally enjoy NaruHina fics, this story was utterly redundant. You set up a conflict in the story, which was Hinata's (and I HAVE to say this) OVER-EXAGGERATED lack of self-esteem, and her trying to overcome it; in the end, she never really did, so I am still wondering, what was the whole point of the story?
All great stories, if you present a conflict, the general understanding is that the story is being told as a way to explain how this conflict was resolved. Everything else that doesn't necessarily pertain to the story (supporting characters, sub-plots, comic relief) is just extra glitter that is meant to make the story more appealing to the general audience.
You showed signs of Hinata overcoming her problems when she passed the Chunnin exam, but a scene later, you make her completely useless in a mission, and Naruto has to come to her rescue. You have several characters telling her that she has gotten stronger, yet you never show any proof of this strength, so it ends up sounding like they're telling her all this just so she doesn't feel bad, not because they really mean it. Not only that, but you contradict their claims even more the second you place her in a situation where she seems to purposefully screw up. I don't understand... did she, or did she not get strong?
I wondered throughout the story if you would ever show a scene where Hinata actually shines. The time when she confronts her father and refuses to marry that sand guy, you have her saying she will only confront Hiashi if she receives the support of that sand guy, and when she could've just been frank and tell him the truth (that she didn't want to marry a stranger, period.), she resorts to lying and making up a story about giving her chastity out of wedlock to Naruto. So... yeah, that still makes her a pretty big coward in my book. If Hinata ever gets any backbone in this story, if any at all, that is, it's all brittle cartilage.
Sure, there were instances where you portrayed a Hinata with hints of strengths surfacing every once in a while, but every time you did that (which was the perfect opportunity to reach the climax of the story), you backtracked and returned to square one, and Hinata always ended up being the basket case she was in chapter one. Sure, in your story Naruto liked her, but the way you portrayed it, he only seemed to like her because she was the only one who ever was ever nice to him, not because he was genuinely interested in her. That made sense at the beginning of the story... when they were five years old, but as they grew up, I never saw any real chemistry other than Naruto saying he would protect her no matter what, just because he could. I don't blame him, considering how much of a pitiful shrinking violet Hinata was. I'd feel sorry for her, too, to be honest.
Sure, most stories portray a Hinata that is initially weak at the beginning but that gradually, or (as is the case of many poorly written stories) magically gains strength and confidence. I can see how some people would think that this would get old and cliché after a while, but if done intelligently, it has all the potential to become a magnificent story.
Hinata's theme has always been very similar to Naruto's: gain the acknowledgment and respect of his precious people. In canon, she was never as weak as she is in your story, and that, after a while, got aggravating, because while we all know the poor girl has confidence issues, she is also rather determined and stubborn when she puts her mind to it, and she never gives up so easily. The Hinata in this story hesitated so freaking much I wanted to smash my head against a brick wall.
As I understand it from canon; Hinata was never afraid of her father per se; she was just always WORRIED about disappointing him, thus she works hard to prove herself to him. Furthermore, knowing that Naruto was her number one source of strength, I doubt she would've given him up as easily as she did in this story. And yeah, we all know Hiashi i k, but in this story, he was downright cruel and a heartless bastard; and that is not exactly the case, since he does apologize to Neji and canon, and kind of gets over his disappointment of Hinata... not entirely, I would assume, but he is not as hard on her as he was at the beginning of the story.
Anyway... I have to admit I've never seen a Hinata so frustratingly dependent on everyone else but herself. Someone like that shouldn't even be a ninja. In this story she was always counting on Naruto to take care of her problems for her and seems to be under the impression (just because he claimed to be her guardian and angel) that he would literally come to her rescue every single time. Yes, I know this story explores the concept of guardian and angels, but doesn't mean Hinata had to be so utterly hopeless, and after a while, to expect something like that is simply unrealistic. As a ninja, she is expected to be self-sufficient despite her shortcomings, so this aspect of your story seems out of place.
All in all, Hinata's endless "I'm a damsel in distress, I'm completely useless, and I'm weak" mantra got boring and infuriating a lot faster than I had realized. I only kept reading because I had hoped she would overcome all this, but in the end, she simply decides to remain weak, dependent, and that the only way she will survive is by marrying Naruto, as opposed to conquering her fears and shortcomings. Now if that isn't disappointing, I don't know what is.
Knowing Naruto, and the way he deals with people who are just total attention whores and whiners ("Oh... please feel sorry for me"), he wouldn't put up with that kind of BS the way he did in this story. He would've called her out on it a long time ago, and instead of pampering her, he would've encouraged her to conquer her weaknesses. He does sow with strangers (i.e. Inari from the land of waves, plus many others) on a regular basis, and Hinata, of all people (being that she is a colleague and friend) is ESPECIALLY no exception.
This story just seemed to be 10 chapters about the same exact thing, and never went anywhere. Nevertheless, I think all this is product of your reaching a point where you didn't really care for the story. It simply ended the way it did because you just wanted to get it over with, not because you wanted to make it good. You said it yourself... it was agonizing. As a reader, and fellow writer, I suggest that if you ever encounter a similar situation in the future, just stop writing the story, or take a break... long one, and try again. If it still doesn't work, then just let it go. Knowing when to quit is a virtue; mediocrity isn't. If you wanted to give a shot to writing angst, you should've considered all that it entailed; if your forte is fluff, stick to fluff until you're absolutely 100 percent sure you want to explore other genres. Don't start something that halfway though you decide to just half-a$s. It shows. We don't get paid to write fanfic; so there's no reason to force yourself if you know your heart isn't in it anymore. Readers can get obnoxious sometimes and demand that you finish a story, but let them beg. They aren't paying you.
This review isn't a flame; it's a long review; it's honest, and though it may seem harsh and perhaps cruel, that is not my intention. It's constructive criticism, and I pray you are not offended with my frankness. I truly believe you have what it takes to write a great story... the grammar is practically flawless, and your pacing is above average, but your plot development and characterization need work, based on how this story turned out. Perhaps you have improved by now; I know this story is old, so probably all that I am saying no longer applies, but your potential is there.
| Lord of the Phoenix chapter 10 . 2/11/2009
Brill story, though a little lakking in the humour department, but it was fun XD. Just thought I should mention, you haven't marked it as complete, and some people like to search for complete fics, you might get extra reads XD.