|Reviews for Final Judgment Happosai|
| The Reality DumPer chapter 1 . 7/15/2013
I'm feeling lazy to point out any mistakes, or any specific stuff, so I'll just say what I think about it in general.
Overall, I had fun reading this fic, from the seemingly unjustifiable solution to the unexpectedly inargumentable ending. I read fanfics to entertain myself, not continuously try to search for flaws. So your story's one of the best ones I've read so far. :3
| Anthony1l chapter 1 . 5/2/2011
Such an amazing and original story.
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 5/29/2008
Final Judgment; Happosai
Mourning in Nermia.
[I laughed at this for a few minutes before I realized that you didn't intend to say 'mourn' (grieve) instead of 'morn' (beginning part of the day).]
And then, suddenly, the neighborhood alarm clock sounded.
“Ranma you JERK!”
[Points: 1. I also appreciate the fact that you didn't use 'obligatory' Japanese.]
Ranma finished going through the wall.
[This tells us that he undergoes lateral (horizontal) motion, and I figured that Akane knocked him through a window into the koi pond or something like that. If he falls, then that means she knocked him _up_ through the ceiling.]
“Well, seeing as we’re still talking, I started thinking…”
“Don’t start with me!”
Akane went into automatic: ... hit Ranma, ... regain coherent thought.
but the shot hops,
“As if those other harlots were not enough?”
“Hey, stop that!” exclaimed Ranma.
Cologne will know that you’re not trying to set her up.
[Or will think that. Isn't it their plan exactly to set her up?]
At that Ranma-chan and Kodachi left for Happy’s room.
[To avoid confusion, I'd write Happosai]
“Hello, Mihoshi? It’s Kasumi. You were right. You’re little trick does work in mid-combat.”
[1: Spelling/punctuation: Your. 2: I'm confused – who's Mihoshi?]
they’re finally starting to their heads, now…”
[starting to _use_ their heads]
theybroke the bond of hand
[Spacing: they broke]
Man, what an unusual show of self-control. :)
[Minor Akane bashing. Oh, and the ASCII-art smiley-face looks tacky.]
he would’ve noticed a couple of distortions of light floating above them. (-:
[I don't get it. Oh, and tacky ASCII-art.]
Despite the clear sky, lightning struck the ground between them.
[Points for parodying a common martial-arts-flick-effect: 1]
Ranma, being the main character and all, was one of them,
[M... one point out of five for effort.]
Ranma remembered the last time his dad tried to stand up to him like this,
[You mean the last time Ranma seriously stood up to Happosai? I don't remember Genma really doing anything to either Happosai or Ranma.]
the camera switches to the spooky shot of Cologne with the ghost sperm balls thingies in the background.
“Aiya! Now I see why Ranma such tough fight for Amazons.”
[Why _Ranma_, who has never done a move like that, is a difficult fight?]
WHAP! POW! As Ranma was sandwiched by a giant spatula and a large mallet.
Kuno saw not the onslaught of the...
Happosai’s battle aura was a dark mix of blue and red.
If one was paying attention, they could hear crying just on top of the roof.
[I don't know whether that's funny or terrible.]
| Dominikku-kun chapter 1 . 1/18/2008
Bravo... That was awesome.
No, that is without a doubt, the single best fanfiction I have ever read.
| Ghost chapter 1 . 3/7/2007
Sure you've got talent. This is a good story, though the execution could have been better.
Technically speaking, this fic has three major problems. The first is how you shift between past and present tense. Pick one tense and stick with it all the way. (Preferably past.)
Second, you relied too much on dialogue. This leads to allot of exposition and strange conversations between the characters. The first priority when writing dialogue is making it sound natural, which means you'll usually have to leave allot implied or even unsaid. You'll want to put most of the info outside of the dialogue.
The third problem ties in with the second: repetition. Try to avoid using the same word several times. (Even if it would be natural t do so; it's a stylistic thing.) The general rule being; the more unusual a word is, the less you should use it. But even with regular everyday words like "okay", you should only use it once per sentence, at the most.
Still, not at all bad for a first try. I can actually see the plot working in Ranma continuity. (Though, I suspect the marrige law probably no longer aplies to Cologne, since she is implied to have been married once already.) Also, that was pretty much EXACTLY the way I'd expect a fight between Cologne and Happosai to end. XD
So, over all, good job.
| Azure Neko chapter 1 . 8/27/2006
I'm impressed. I've always liked the idea of a Happosai/Cologne pairing, but I've never found a story within the canon universe that pulled it off even remotely believablely. You did a very good job with this. I particularly liked the portrayal of Ranma and the other charecter's pre-battle jitters. It gave the story a strong grounding in human nature, to balance out the cataclysmic showdown between Happosai and Cologne.
| goku90504 chapter 1 . 9/13/2004
kodachi had no right to make the offer that she did so it would not be binding unless the others agreed to it
| insert funky name chapter 1 . 9/12/2004
wow. that is the best story i have read in... EVER!
that is so cool. i think the ending was a bit predictable (no offence though, its about time someone did that pairing)