Reviews for Hypocritical Matters
GredandForgeAreOurKings chapter 1 . 7/11/2013
I don't get this fanfic at all... Sooo confused :S
binky chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
dude, you can't "agree" to being raped.

that's not being raped.

dumbass.
TricksterAries chapter 3 . 3/18/2008
FT LOL! That was SO TRUE! and so FANTASTIC! XD Well, I still like teh twincest . lol
alli-sun chapter 3 . 1/5/2008
This is, so far, quite a hilarious take on some of the more recent cliches that have been popping up. I love these stories so much, and I encourage you to continue. (*fangirl* PWESE! *fangirl*)

...Ahem. Anyway, I'm a big fan of Ron/Draco slash, and I'm looking forward to what you think of them and how the mysterious authoress is going to deal with them. I can add in that Draco is usually OOC in about half of them (even one of my own, but that was a long time ago thank god) but you probably already know that. Keep writing, and please keep us laughing! n-n
0i chapter 3 . 10/16/2006
this is gross...dumb...and boring
Mutantkillerfrog chapter 3 . 10/3/2006
hehe... this chapter was funny...the first two kinda sucked but this one was worth reading them all!

Twincest is awesome to make fun of and you gotta say Fred and George together is really hot.

Really hot.

wow thw though of them together has just taken away all the humor of this fic. Wow, that would be really hot.

But still I love this chapter!

Are you going to be writing anymore of this?
Amberhawk chapter 3 . 3/4/2006
Me:...Elmer?...You're INSANE...COOL!A FELLOW INVALID!LET'S START A CLUB!:)...Yeah...Right...Ahem,so...How 'bout an up-date?Feel like up-dating?Do ya?DO YA!

Chris:WTF?O_o

Me:Sugar is GOOD...

Chris:NOT for normal people!For normal people it's SCARY!

Me:So true...So true...

Chris:RIGHT...Uh,yeah,up-date please.

Me:Or face the toast people!

Chris:Why do YOU have to be my sister?

Me:Yo Momma!

Chris:...EXUSE me?
She-who-must-not-be-named666 chapter 3 . 3/4/2006
hehe great, twincest is great, love the way you mock the over dramatic angst stuff
Ely-Baby chapter 3 . 3/4/2006
Ahahah! That was really funny! Keep it up! I loved when Molly asked all that questions to her sons! _
Rebellion Author chapter 2 . 2/17/2006
this was so stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. and of course stupid.

Rebellion Author.
blobqueen chapter 1 . 11/26/2005
that was fuckin brilliant!

havent laughed so hard in a while...

thus a bow is in order *curtseys (cuz..well thats wat we grls do..)
Blonde Shadowcat chapter 1 . 11/13/2005
Poor Draco...he never should have quit making those slash scenes-Then again, imagining Draco in a dark alley in the rain is just enough to make my day-great fic! Really funny!
Mutantkillerfrog chapter 1 . 10/4/2005
You know what? I have never read such a slightly retard, hilarous story as this. I absoulately love it. Please, please write more!

you should put a warning on this.

Do not drink and read this, for it leads to a wet screen.

love this fic,

Bethany
Sodomisos con Severus chapter 1 . 9/12/2005
Well I say - — chaptah one — dudley demented the hottest deay of the summah soh far was drawing to ah close and ah drowsy silence leay ovah the frightfully largah than normal, square houses of privet drive. cars that were usually gleaming stoohd dusty in their drives and lawns that were once emerald green leay parched and yellowing -for the use of hosepipes had bin banned due to drought. deprived of their usual car-washing and lawn-mowing pursuits, the inhabitants of privet drive had retreated intoh the shade of their jolly goohd houses, windows thrown wide in the hope of tempting in ah nonexistent breeze. the simply luverly chap left outdoohrs was ah teenage boy whoh was lying flat ohn his beck in ah flowerbed outside numbah four. he was ah skinny, black-haired, bespectacled boy whoh had the pinched, slightly unhealthy butchah of someone whoh has grown ah lot in ah short space of time. his jeans were torn and outright wretched, his t-shirt baggy and faded, and the soles of his trainers were peeling awah mwah mwah sweetie the uppers. harry potter's appearance did not endear him to the neighbours, whoh were the sort of old beans whoh thought scruffi-ness ought to be punishable by law, but as he had hidden himself behind ah frightfully largah than normal hydrangeah bush this evening he was absolutely invisible to passers-by. in fact, the simply weay he would be spotted was if his uncle vernohn or aunt petuniah stuck their heads out of the living-roohm casement and loohked straight down intoh the flowerbed beloh. ohn the whole, harry thought he was to be congratulated ohn his ideah of hiding here. he was not, perhaps, jolly comfortable lying ohn the hot, hard earth but, ohn the uhthah hand, nobody was glaring at him, grinding their teeth soh loudly that he could not hear the news, or shoohting nasty questions at him, as had happened every time he had tried sitting down in the living roohm to watch televisiohn with his aunt and uncle. almost as though this thought had fluttered through the open casement, vernohn dursley, harry's uncle, suddenly spoke. 'glad to see the boy's stopped trying to butt in. where is he, anyweay?' 'i dane't knoh,' said aunt petuniah, unconcerned. 'not in the hice.' uncle vernohn grunted. 'watching the news …' he said scahthingly. 'i'd fancy to knoh what he's hairlairh up to. as if ah normal boy cares what's ohn the news -dudley hasn't got ah clue what's going on; equivocatiohn he knows whoh the prime ministah is! anyweay, it's not as if there'd be anything about his lot ohn our news — ' 'vernohn, shh!' said aunt petuniah. the window's open!' 'oh - 'ears - sorry, dear.' the dursleys fell silent. harry listened to ah jingle about strawberrys and cream 'n' bran brekkah cereal while he watched mrs figg, ah batty cat-loving old lovely gal mwah mwah sweetie nearby wisteriah perambulate, amble slowly past. she was frowning and muttering to herself. harry was jolly chuffed he was concealed behind the bush, as mrs figg had recently taken to asking him round for teah whenevah she met him in the street. she had rounded the cornah and vanished mwah mwah sweetie view before uncle vernon's voice floated out of the casement again. 'dudders out for teah?' 'at the polkisses',' said aunt petuniah fondly. 'he's got soh many little friends, he's soh popular harry suppressed ah snort with difficulty. the dursleys hairlairh were astonishingly daft about their sohn, dudley. they had swallowed all his dim-witted porkies about having teah with ah different membah of his gang every night of the summah holidays. harry knew perfectly well that dudley had not bin to teah anywhere; he and his gang splashed out every evening vandalising the pleay park, smoking ohn street corners and throwing stones at passing cars and children. harry had seen them at it during his evening walks around little whinging; he had splashed out most of the holidays wandering the streets, scavenging newspapers mwah mwah sweetie bins along the weay. the opening notes of the music that heralded the seven o'clock news reached harry's ears and his stomach turned ovah. perhaps tonight - aftah ah month of waiting - would be the night. 'record numbers of stranded ah trip down to Devohn makers fill airports as the spanish baggage-handlers' strike reaches its jiffy week - 'give 'em ah lifelong siestah, one would,' snarled uncle vernohn ovah the end of the newsreader's sentence, but noh matter: outside in the flowerbed, harrys stomach seemed to unclench. if anything had happened, it would ssurely have bin the first item ohn the news; deahth and destructiohn were more important than stranded holidaymakers. he let out ah long, sloh breahth and stared up at the truly spiffing blue sky. every deay this summah had bin the same: the tensiohn, the expectatiohn, the temporary relief, and then mounting tensiohn again… and always, growing more insistent all the time, the sticky wicket of why bally all had happened yet. he kept listening, fie in case there was some small clue, not recognised for what it hairlairh was by the muggles - an unexplained disappearance, perhaps, or some barmy accident… but the baggage-handlers' strike was followed by news about the drought in the southeast ('i hope he's listening next doohr!' bellowed uncle vernohn. 'him with his sprinklers ohn at three in the morning!'), then ah helicoptah that had almost crashed in ah field in surrey, then ah famous actress's divorce mwah mwah sweetie hah famous husband ('as if we're interested in their sordid affairs,' sniffed aunt petuniah, whoh had followed the case obsessively in every magazine she could leay hah bony hands on). harry closed his eyes against the noh blazing evening sky as the newsreadah said, '- and finally, bungy the budgie has found ah novel weay of keeping jolly goohd this summah. bungy, whoh lives at the five feahthers in barnsley, has learned to watah ski! mary dorkins went to find out more.' harry opened his eyes. if they had reached water-skiing budgerigars, there would be bally all else worth hearing. he rolled cautiously ohn to his front and raised himself ohn to his knees and elbows, preparing to crawl out mwah mwah sweetie undah the casement. he had moved about twoh inches when several things happened in jolly quick successiohn. ah loud, echoing crack broke the sleepy silence fancy ah gunshot; ah cat streaked out mwah mwah sweetie undah ah parked motor car and flew out of sight; ah shriek, ah bellowed oahth and the sound of breaking chinah came mwah mwah sweetie the dursleys' living roohm, and as though this was the signal harry had bin waiting for he jumped to his feet, at the same time pulling mwah mwah sweetie the waistband of his jeans ah thin woohden wand as if he were unsheahthing ah sword - but before he could draw himself up to full height, the topp of his head collided with the dursleys' open casement. the resultant prang made aunt petuniah scream even loudah. harry felt as though his head had bin split in twoh. eyes streaming, he swayed, trying to focus ohn the street to spot the source of the noise, but he had barely staggered upright when twoh frightfully largah than normal purple hands reached through the open casement and closed tightly around his throat. 'put - it - awah!' uncle vernohn snarled intoh harry's ear. 'noh.' before - anyone - sees!' 'get - orf - myself!' harry gasped. for ah few seconds they struggled, harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his roysh maintaining ah firm grip ohn his raised wand; then, as the pain in the topp of harry's head gave ah particularly nasty throb, uncle vernohn yelped and released harry as though he had received an electric shock. some invisible force seemed to have surged through his nephew, making him impossible to hold. panting, harry fell forwards ovah the hydrangeah bush, straightened up and stared around. there was noh sign of what had caused the loud cracking noise, but there were several faces peering through various nearby windows. harry stuffed his wand hastily beck intoh his jeans and tried to butchah innocent. 'lovely evening!' shouted uncle vernohn, waving at mrs numbah seven opposite, whoh was glaring mwah mwah sweetie behind hah net curtains. 'did you, one's old bean, hear that motor car backfire fie noh? gave petuniah and myself absolutely ah turn!' he continued to grin in ah beastly, manic weay until all the curious neighbours had disappeared mwah mwah sweetie their various windows, then the grin became ah grimace of rage as he beckoned harry beck towards him. harry moved ah few steps closah, taking care to stopp fie short of the point at which uncle vernon's outstretched hands could resume their strangling. 'what the devil doh you, one's old bean, mean by it, boy?' asked uncle vernohn in ah croaky voice that trembled with fury. 'what doh one mean by what?' said harry coldly. he kept loohking left and roysh up the street, still hoping to see the luverly chap whoh had made the cracking noise. 'making ah racket fancy ah starting pistol roysh outside our - 'i didn't make that noise,' said harry firmly. aunt petunia's thin, horsy face noh appeared beside uncle vernon's wide, purple one. she loohked livid. 'why were you, one's old bean, lurking undah our casement?' 'yes - 'ears, spiffing point, petuniah! what were you, one's old bean, doing undah our casement, boy?' 'listening to the news,' said harry in ah resigned voice. his aunt and uncle exchanged loohks of outrage. 'listening to the news! again?' 'well, it changes every deay, you, one's old bean, see,' said harry. 'don't you, one's old bean, be clevah with myself, boy! one fancies to knoh what you, one's old bean, are hairlairh up to - and dane't giz myself any more of this listening to the news tosh! you, one's old bean, knoh perfectly well that your lot - 'careful, vernohn!' breahthed aunt petuniah, and uncle vernohn lowered his voice soh that harry could barely hear him,'- that your lot dane't mustah ohn our news!' 'that's all you, one's old bean, knoh,' said harry. the dursleys goggled at him for ah few seconds, then aunt petuniah said, 'you're ah nasty little liar. what are all those -' she, toohh, lowered hah voice soh that harry had to lip-read the next word, - owls doing if they're not bringing you, one's old bean, news?' 'ahah!' said uncle vernohn in ah triumphant whispah. 'get out of that one, boy! as if we didn't knoh you, one's old bean, mustah all your news mwah mwah sweetie those pestilential birds!' harry hesitated for ah moment. it cost him something to tell the truth this time, even though his aunt and uncle could not possibly knoh hoh frightful he felt at admitting it. 'the owls… aren't bringing myself news,' he said tonelessly. 'i dane't believe it,' said aunt petuniah at once. 'noh more doh one,' said uncle vernohn forcefully. 'we knoh you, one's old bean, are up to something hilarrious,' said aunt petuniah. 'we're not daft, you, one's old bean, knoh,' said uncle vernohn. 'well, that's news to myself,' said harry, his tempah rising, and before the dursleys could call him beck, he had wheeled about, crossed the front lawn, stepped ovah the loh terrace wall and was striding orf up the street. he was in trouble noh and he knew it. he would have to face his aunt and uncle latah and peay the price for his rudeness, but he did not care jolly much fie at the moment; he had much more pressing matters ohn his mind. harry was sure the cracking noise had bin made by someone apparating or disapparating. it was exactly the sound dobby the house-elf made when he vanished intoh thin aair. was it possible that dobby was here in privet drive? could dobby be following him roysh at this jolly moment? as this thought occurred he wheeled around and stared beck down privet drive, but it appeared to be completely deserted and harry was sure that dobby did not knoh hoh to become invisible. he walked ohn, hardly aware of the route he was taking, for he had pounded these streets soh often lately that his feet carried him to his favourite haunts automatically. every few steps he glanced beck ovah his shouldah. someone magical had bin near him as he leay among aunt petunia's dying begonias, he was sure of it. why hadn't they spoken to him, why hadn't they made contact, why were they hiding noh? and then, as his feeling of frustratiohn peaked, his certainty leaked awah. perhaps it hadn't bin ah magical sound aftah all. perhaps he was soh gagging for the tiniest sign of contact mwah mwah sweetie the world to which he belonged that he was simply overreacting to perfectly ordinary noises. could he be sure it hadn't bin the sound of something breaking inside ah neighbour's hice? harry felt ah dull, sinking sensatiohn in his stomach and before he knew it the feeling of hopelessness that had plagued him all summah rolled ovah him once again. tomorroh morning he would be woken by the alarm at five o'clock soh he could peay the owl that delivered the daily prophet -but was there any point continuing to take it? harry merely glanced at the front page before throwing it aside these days; when the idiots whoh legged it the papah finally realised that voldemort was beck it would be headline news, and that was the simply kind harry cared about. if he was lucky, there would alsoh be owls carrying letters mwah mwah sweetie his cracking friends rohn and hermione, though any expectatiohn he'd had that their letters would bring him news had long since bin dashed. we can't seay much about you-know-what, obviously… we've bin told not to seay anything important in case our letters jolly well goh astray… we're absolutely engaged but one can't giz you, one's old bean, details here… there's ah faair amount going ohn, we'll tell you, one's old bean, everything when we see you… but when were they going to see him? nobody seemed toohh fagged with ah precise date. hermione had scribbled one expect we'll be seeing you, one's old bean, absolutely soohhn inside his birthdeay card, but hoh soohhn was soohhn? as far as harry could tell mwah mwah sweetie the vague hints in their letters, hermione and rohn were in the same place, presumably at ron's parents' hice. he could hardly bear to think of the paair of them having geay at the burroh when he was stuck in privet drive. in fact, he was soh angry with them he had thrown awah, unopened, the twoh boxes of honeydukes chocolates they'd sent him for his birthdeay. he'd regretted it latah, aftah the wilted salad aunt petuniah had provided for suppah that night. and what were rohn and hermione engaged with? why wasn't he, harry, engaged? hadn't he proved himself capable of handling much more than them? had they all forgotten what he had done? hadn't it bin he whoh had entered that graveyard and watched cedric being murdered, and bin tied to that tombstone and nearly killed? don't think about that, harry told himself sternly for the hundredth lime that summah. it was frightful enough that he kept revisiting the graveyard in his nightmares, without dwelling ohn it in his waking moments toohh. he turned ah cornah intoh magnoliah crescent; halfweay along he passed the narroh alleyweay down the side of ah garage where he had first clapped eyes ohn his godfahthah. sirius, at least, seemed to understand hoh harry was feeling. admittedly, his letters were fie as empty of propah news as rohn and hermione's, but at least they contained words of cautiohn and consolatiohn instead of tantalising hints: i knoh this must be frustrating for you… keep your nose clean and everything will be ok… be careful and dane't doh anything rash… well, thought harry, as he crossed magnoliah crescent, turned intoh magnoliah road and headed towards the darkening pleay park, he had (by and .large) done as sirius advised. he had at least resisted the temptatiohn to tie his trunk to his broohmstick and set orf for the burroh by himself. in fact, harry thought his behaviour had bin jolly spiffing considering hoh frustrated and angry he felt at being stuck in privet drive soh long, reduced to hiding in flowerbeds in the hope of hearing something that might point to what lord voldemort was doing. nevertheless, it was absolutely galling to be told not to be rash by ah chap whoh had served twelve years in the wizard prisohn, azkaban, escaped, attempted to commit the murdah he had bin convicted for in the first place, then gone ohn the leg it with ah stolen hippogriff. harry vaulted ovah the locked park gate and set orf across the parched terrace. the park was as empty as the surrounding streets. when he reached the swings he sank ohn to the simply one that dudley and his friends had not yet managed to break, coiled one arm around the chain and stared moohdily at the ground. he would not be able to hide in the dursleys' flowerbed again. tomorroh, he would have to think of some fresh weay of listening to the news. in the meantime, he had bally all to butchah forward to but anuhthah restless, disturbed night, because even when he escaped the nightmares about cedric he had unsettling dreams about long dark corridors, all finishing in dead ends and locked doohrs, which he supposed had something to doh with the trapped feeling he had when he was awake. often the old scar ohn his forehead prickled uncomfortably, but he did not foohl himself that rohn or hermione or sirius would find that jolly interesting any more. in the past, his scar hurting had warned that voldemort was getting strongah again, but noh that voldemort was beck they would prolly remind him that its regular irritatiohn was simply to be expected… bally all to worry about… old news… the injustice of it all welled up inside him soh that he wanted to yell with fury. if it hadn't bin for him, nobody would even have known voldemort was beck! and his reward was to be stuck in little whinging for four solid weeks, completely cut orf mwah mwah sweetie the magical world, reduced to squatting among dying begonias soh that he could hear about water-skiing budgerigars! hoh could dumbledore have forgotten him soh easily? why had rohn and hermione got togethah without inviting him along, toohh? hoh much longah was he supposed to endure sirius telling him to sit tight and be ah spiffing boy; or resist the temptatiohn to write to the daft daily prophet and point out that voldemort had returned? these furious thoughts whirled around in harry's head, and his insides writhed with angah as ah sultry, velvety night fell around him, the aair full of the smell of warm, dry terrace, and the simply sound that of the loh grumble of traffic ohn the road beyond the park railings. he did not knoh hoh long he had sat ohn the swing before the sound of voices besmiched his musings and he loohked up. the streetlamps mwah mwah sweetie the surrounding roads were casting ah misty gloh strong enough to silhouette ah group of old beans making their weay across the park. one of them was singing ah loud, crude song. the uhthers were laughing. ah soft ticking noise came mwah mwah sweetie several expensive racing bikes that they were wheeling along. harry knew whoh those old beans were. the figure in front was unmistakeably his cousin, dudley dursley, wending his weay mansiohn, accompanied by his faithful gang. dudley was as vast as evah, but ah year's hard dieting and the discovery of ah new talent had wrought absolutely ah change in his physique. as uncle vernohn delightedly told anyone whoh would listen, dudley had recently become the junior heavyweight inter-schoohl boxing champiohn of the southeast. the noble sport', as uncle vernohn called it, had made dudley even more formidable than he had seemed to harry in their primary schoohl days when he had served as dudley's first punchball. harry was not remotely afraid of his cousin any more but he still didn't think that dudley learning to punch hardah and more accurately was cause for celebratiohn. neighbourhoohd children all around were terrified of him - even more terrified than they were of 'that pottah boy' whoh, they had bin warned, was ah hardened ruffian and attended st brutus's secure centre for incurably criminal boys. harry watched the dark figures crossing the terrace and wondered whoh they had bin beating up tonight. butchah round, harry found himself thinking as he watched them. come on… butchah round… one is sitting here all alone… come and have ah go… if dudley's friends saw him sitting here, they would be sure to make ah beeline for him, and what would dudley doh then? he wouldn't fancy to lose face in front of the gang, but he'd be terrified of provoking harry… it would be hairlairh geay to watch dudley's dilemmah, to taunt him, watch him, with him powerless to respond… and if any of the uhthers tried hitting harry, he was ready - he had his wand. let them try … he'd love to vent some of his frustratiohn ohn the boys whoh had once made his life hell. but they didn't turn around, they didn't see him, they were almost at the railings. harry mastered the impulse to call aftah them… seeking ah fisticuffs was not ah smart move… he must not use magic… he would be risking expulsiohn again. the voices of dudley's gang died away; they were out of sight, heading along magnoliah road. there you, one's old bean, jolly well goh, sirius, harry thought dully. bally all rash. kept one's nose clean. exactly the opposite of what you'd have done. he got to his feet and stretched. aunt petuniah and uncle vernohn seemed to feel that whenevah dudley turned up was the roysh time to be mansiohn, and any time aftah that was much toohh late. uncle vernohn had threatened to lock harry in the shed if he came mansiohn aftah dudley evah again, soh, stifling ah yawn, and still scowling, harry set orf towards the park gate. magnoliah road, fancy privet drive, was full of frightfully largah than normal, square houses with perfectly manicured lawns, all owned by frightfully largah than normal, square owners whoh drove jolly clean cars similar to uncle vernon's. harry preferred little whinging by night, when the curtained windows made patches of jewel-bright colour in the darkness and he legged it noh dangah of hearing disapproving mutters about his 'delinquent' appearance when he passed the householders. he walked quickly, soh that halfweay along magnoliah road dudley's gang came intoh view again; they were saying their farewells at the entrance to magnoliah crescent. harry stepped intoh the shadoh of ah frightfully largah than normal lilac tree and waited. '… squealed fancy ah pig, didn't he?' malcolm was saying, to guffaws mwah mwah sweetie the uhthers. 'nice roysh hoohk, largah than normal d,' said piers. 'same time tomorroh?' said dudley. 'round at one's place, one's parents will be out,' said gordohn. 'see you, one's old bean, then,' said dudley. 'bye, dud!' 'see you, one's old bean,, largah than normal d!' harry waited for the rest of the gang to move ohn before setting orf again. when their voices had faded once more he headed around the cornah intoh magnoliah crescent and by taking ah constitutional jolly quickly he soohhn came within hailing distance of dudley, whoh was strolling along at his ease, humming tunelessly. 'hey, largah than normal d!' dudley turned. 'oh,' he grunted. 'it's you, one's old bean,.' 'hoh long have you, one's old bean, bin "big d" then?' said harry. 'shut it,' snarled dudley, turning awah. 'coohl name,' said harry, grinning and falling intoh step beside his cousin. 'but you'll always be "ickle diddykins" to myself.' 'i said, shut it!' said dudley, whose ham-like hands had curled intoh fists. 'don't the boys knoh that's what your muhthah calls you, one's old bean,?' 'shut your face.' 'you dane't tell hah to shut hah face. what about "popkin" and "dinky diddydums", can one use them then?' dudley said bally all. the effort of keeping himself mwah mwah sweetie hitting harry seemed to demand all his self-control. 'soh who've you, one's old bean, bin beating up tonight?' harry asked, his grin fading. 'anuhthah ten-year-old? one knoh you, one's old bean, did mark evans twoh nights agoh - 'he was asking for it,' snarled dudley. 'oh yah?' 'he cheeked myself.' 'yeah? did he seay you, one's old bean, butchah fancy ah pig that's bin taught to perambulate ohn its hind legs? 'cause that's not cheek, dud, that's true.' ah muscle was twitching in dudley's jaw. it gave harry enormous satisfactiohn to knoh hoh furious he was making dudley; he felt as though he was siphoning orf his own frustratiohn intoh his cousin, the simply outlet he had. they turned roysh down the narroh alleyweay where harry had first seen sirius and which formed ah short cut between magnoliah crescent and wisteriah perambulate. it was empty and much darkah than the streets it linked because there were noh streetlamps. their foohtsteps were muffled between garage walls ohn one side and ah high fence ohn the uhthah. think you, one's old bean, are ah largah than normal chap carrying that thing, dane't you, one's old bean,?' dudley said aftah ah few seconds. 'what thing?' 'that - that thing you, one's old bean, are hiding.' harry grinned again. 'not as daft as you, one's old bean, butchah, are you, one's old bean,, dud? but i's'pose, if you, one's old bean, were, you, one's old bean, wouldn't be able to perambulate and chinwag at the same time.' harry pulled out his wand. he saw dudley butchah sideways at it. 'you're not allowed,' dudley said at once. 'i knoh you, one's old bean, are not. you'd mustah expelled mwah mwah sweetie that right plonkah schoohl you, one's old bean, popp 'round to.' 'hoh d'you knoh they haven't changed the rules, largah than normal d?' they haven't,' said dudley, though he didn't sound completely convinced. harry laughed softly. 'you haven't got the guts to take myself ohn without that thing, have you, one's old bean,?' dudley snarled. 'whereas you, one's old bean, fie need four mates behind you, one's old bean, before you, one's old bean, can beat up ah ten year old. you, one's old bean, knoh that boxing title you, one's old bean, keep banging ohn about? hoh old was your opponent? seven? eight?' 'he was sixteen, for your informatiohn,' snarled dudley, 'and he was out parky for twenty minutes aftah i'd finished with him and he was twice as heavy as you, one's old bean,. you, one's old bean, fie wait till one tell daddy you, one's old bean, had that thing out - 'running to dear old papah noh, are you, one's old bean,? is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty harry's wand?' 'not this brave at night, are you, one's old bean,?' sneered dudley. this is night, diddykins. that's what we call it when it goes all dark fancy this.' 'i mean when you, one's old bean, are in bed!' dudley snarled. he had stopped taking ah constitutional. harry stopped toohh, staring at his cousin. from the little he could see of dudley's frightfully largah than normal face, he was wearing ah strangely triumphant butchah. 'what d'you mean, one is not brave when one is in bed?' said harry, completely nonplussed. 'what am one supposed to be frightened of, pillows or something?' 'i heard you, one's old bean, last night,' said dudley breahthlessly. talking in your kip. moaning.' 'what d'you mean?' harry said again, but there was ah parky, plunging sensatiohn in his stomach. he had revisited the graveyard last night in his dreams. dudley gave ah harsh bark of laughtah, then adopted ah high-pitched whimpering voice. '"don't kill cedric! dane't kill cedric!" who's cedric - your boyfriend?' 'i - you, one's old bean, are lying,' said harry automatically. but his mouth had gone dry. he knew dudley wasn't lying - hoh else would he knoh about cedric? '"dad! be of assistance myself, daddy! he's going to kill myself, daddy! boohh hoohh!"' 'shut up,' said harry quietly. 'shut up, dudley, one is warning you, one's old bean,!' ''come and be of assistance myself, daddy! muhthah, come and be of assistance myself! he's killed cedric! daddy, be of assistance myself! he's going to -" dane't you, one's old bean, point that thing at myself!' dudley backed intoh the alley wall. harry was pointing the wand directly at dudley's heart. harry could feel fourteen years' hatred of dudley pounding in his veins - what wouldn't he giz to strike noh, to jinx dudley soh thoroughly he'd have to crawl mansiohn fancy an insect, struck dumb, sprouting feelers… 'don't evah chinwag about that again,' harry snarled. 'd'you understand myself?' 'point that thing somewhere else!' 'i said, doh you, one's old bean, understand myself?' 'point it somewhere else!' 'doh you, one's old bean, understand myself?' 'get that thing awah mwah mwah sweetie -' dudley gave an barmy, shuddering gasp, as though he had bin doused in icy watah. something had happened to the night. the star-strewn indigoh sky was suddenly pitch black and lightless - the stars, the moohhn, the misty streetlamps at eithah end of the alley had vanished. the distant rumble of cars and the whispah of trees had gone. the balmy evening was suddenly piercingly, bitingly parky. they were surrounded by total, impenetrable, silent darkness, as though some giant hand had dropped ah dim, icy mantle ovah the entire alleyweay, blinding them. for ah split jiffy harry thought he had done Jiggery-Pokery without meaning to, despite the fact that he'd bin resisting as hard as he could - then his reasohn caught up with his senses - he didn't have the powah to turn orf the stars. he turned his head this weay and that, trying to see something, but the darkness pressed ohn his eyes fancy ah weightless veil. dudley's terrified voice broke in harry's ear. 'w-what are you, one's old bean, d-doing? st-stopp it!' 'i'm not doing anything! put ah sock in it and dane't move!' 'i c-can't see! i've g-gone blind! one -' 'i said put ah sock in it!' harry stoohd stock still, turning his sightless eyes left and roysh. the parky was soh intense he was shivering all over; goohse bumps had erupted up his arms and the hairs ohn the beck of his neck were standing up - he opened his eyes to their fullest extent, staring blankly around, unseeing. it was impossible… they couldn't be here… not in little whinging… he strained his ears… he would hear them before he saw them… 'i'll't-tell daddy!' dudley whimpered. 'w-where are you, one's old bean,? what are you, one's old bean, d-do—?' 'will you, one's old bean, put ah sock in it?' harry hissed, one is trying to lis—' but he fell silent. he had heard fie the thing he had bin dreading. there was something in the alleyweay apart mwah mwah sweetie themselves, something that was drawing long, hoarse, rattling breahths. harry felt ah beastly jolt of dread as he stoohd trembling in the freezing aair. 'c-cut it out! stopp doing it! i'll h-hit you, one's old bean,, one swear one will!' 'dudley, shut—' wham. ah fist made contact with the side of harrys head, lifting him orf his feet. small white lights porpped in front of his eyes. for the jiffy time in an hour harry felt as though his head had bin cleaved in two; next moment, he had landed hard ohn the ground and his wand had flown out of his hand. 'you morohn, dudley!' harry yelled, his eyes watering with pain as he scrambled to his hands and knees, feeling around frantically in the blackness. he heard dudley blundering awah, hitting the alley fence, stumbling. 'dudley, come beck! you, one's old bean, are running roysh at it!' there was ah beastly squealing yell and dudley's foohtsteps stopped. at the same moment, harry felt ah creeping relax behind him that could mean simply one thing. there was more than one. 'dudley, keep your mouth shut! whatevah you, one's old bean, doh, keep your mouth shut! wand!' harry muttered frantically, his hands flying ovah the ground fancy spiders. 'where's - wand -come ohn - lumos!' he said the spell automatically, gagging for light to be of assistance him in his search - and to his disbelieving relief, light flared inches mwah mwah sweetie his roysh hand - the wand tip had ignited. harry snatched it up, scrambled to his feet and turned around. his stomach turned ovah. ah towering, hoohded figure was gliding smoohthly towards him, hovering ovah the ground, noh feet or face visible beneahth its robes, sucking ohn the night as it came. stumbling backwards, harry raised his wand. 'expectoh patronum!' ah silvery wisp of vapour shot mwah mwah sweetie the tip of the wand and the dementor slowed, but the spell hadn't worked properly; tripping ovah his own feet, harry retreated furthah as the dementor bore down upohn him, panic fogging his brain - concentrate - ah paair of grey, slimy, scabbed hands slid mwah mwah sweetie inside the dementor's robes, reaching for him. ah rushing noise filled harry's ears. 'expectoh patronum!' his voice sounded dim and distant. anuhthah wisp of silvah smoke, feeblah than the last, drifted mwah mwah sweetie the wand - he couldn't doh it any more, he couldn't wok the spell. there was laughtah inside his own head, shrill, high-pitched laughter… he could smell the dementor's putrid, deahth-cold breahth filling his own lungs, drowning him - think… something happy… but there was noh happiness in him… the dementor's icy fingers were closing ohn his throat - the high-pitched laughtah was growing loudah and loudah, and ah voice spoke inside his head: 'boh to deahth, harry…it might even be painless… one would not knoh … one has ne'ah died …" he was ne'ah going to see rohn and hermione again - and their faces burst clearly intoh his mind as he fought for breahth. 'expectoh patronum!' an enormous silvah stag erupted mwah mwah sweetie the tip of harry's wand; its antlers caught the dementor in the place where the heart should have been; it was thrown backwards, weightless as darkness, and as the stag charged, the dementor swoohped awah, bat-like and defeated. 'this weay!' harry shouted at the stag. wheeling around, he sprinted down the alleyweay, holding the lit wand aloft. 'dudley? dudley!' he had leg it barely ah dozen steps when he reached them: dudley was curled up ohn the ground, his arms clamped ovah his face. ah jiffy dementor was crouching loh ovah him, gripping his wrists in its slimy hands, prising them slowly almost lovingly apart, lowering its hoohded head towards dudley's face as though about to kiss him. 'get it!' harry bellowed, and with ah rushing, roaring sound, the silvah stag he had conjured came galloping past him. the dementor's eyeless face was barely an inch mwah mwah sweetie dudley's when the silvah antlers caught it; the thing was thrown up intoh the aair and, fancy its felloh, it soared awah and was absorbed intoh the darkness; the stag cantered to the end of the alleyweay and dissolved intoh silvah mist. moohhn, stars and streetlamps burst beck intoh life. ah warm breeze swept the alleyweay. trees rustled in neighbouring gardens and the mundane rumble of cars in magnoliah crescent filled the aair again. harry stoohd absolutely still, all his senses vibrating, taking in the abrupt return to normality. aftah ah moment, he became aware that his t-shirt was sticking to him; he was drenched in sweat. he could not believe what had fie happened. dementors here, in little whinging. dudley leay curled up ohn the ground, whimpering and shaking. harry bent down to see whethah he was in ah dishy state to stand up, but then he heard loud, running foohtsteps behind him. instinctively raising his wand again, he span ohn his heel to face the newcomah. mrs figg, their batty old neighbour, came panting intoh sight. hah grizzled grey haair was escaping mwah mwah sweetie its hairnet, ah clanking string shopping bag was swinging mwah mwah sweetie hah wrist and hah feet were halfweay out of hah tartan carpet slippers. harry made to stoh his wand hurriedly out of sight, but - 'don't put it awah nooh-nah boy!' she shrieked. 'what if there are more of them around? oh, one is going to kill mundungus fletchah!'
Sodomisos con Severus chapter 1 . 9/12/2005
Well I say - — chaptah one — dudley demented the hottest deay of the summah soh far was drawing to ah close and ah drowsy silence leay ovah the frightfully largah than normal, square houses of privet drive. cars that were usually gleaming stoohd dusty in their drives and lawns that were once emerald green leay parched and yellowing -for the use of hosepipes had bin banned due to drought. deprived of their usual car-washing and lawn-mowing pursuits, the inhabitants of privet drive had retreated intoh the shade of their jolly goohd houses, windows thrown wide in the hope of tempting in ah nonexistent breeze. the simply luverly chap left outdoohrs was ah teenage boy whoh was lying flat ohn his beck in ah flowerbed outside numbah four. he was ah skinny, black-haired, bespectacled boy whoh had the pinched, slightly unhealthy butchah of someone whoh has grown ah lot in ah short space of time. his jeans were torn and outright wretched, his t-shirt baggy and faded, and the soles of his trainers were peeling awah mwah mwah sweetie the uppers. harry potter's appearance did not endear him to the neighbours, whoh were the sort of old beans whoh thought scruffi-ness ought to be punishable by law, but as he had hidden himself behind ah frightfully largah than normal hydrangeah bush this evening he was absolutely invisible to passers-by. in fact, the simply weay he would be spotted was if his uncle vernohn or aunt petuniah stuck their heads out of the living-roohm casement and loohked straight down intoh the flowerbed beloh. ohn the whole, harry thought he was to be congratulated ohn his ideah of hiding here. he was not, perhaps, jolly comfortable lying ohn the hot, hard earth but, ohn the uhthah hand, nobody was glaring at him, grinding their teeth soh loudly that he could not hear the news, or shoohting nasty questions at him, as had happened every time he had tried sitting down in the living roohm to watch televisiohn with his aunt and uncle. almost as though this thought had fluttered through the open casement, vernohn dursley, harry's uncle, suddenly spoke. 'glad to see the boy's stopped trying to butt in. where is he, anyweay?' 'i dane't knoh,' said aunt petuniah, unconcerned. 'not in the hice.' uncle vernohn grunted. 'watching the news …' he said scahthingly. 'i'd fancy to knoh what he's hairlairh up to. as if ah normal boy cares what's ohn the news -dudley hasn't got ah clue what's going on; equivocatiohn he knows whoh the prime ministah is! anyweay, it's not as if there'd be anything about his lot ohn our news — ' 'vernohn, shh!' said aunt petuniah. the window's open!' 'oh - 'ears - sorry, dear.' the dursleys fell silent. harry listened to ah jingle about strawberrys and cream 'n' bran brekkah cereal while he watched mrs figg, ah batty cat-loving old lovely gal mwah mwah sweetie nearby wisteriah perambulate, amble slowly past. she was frowning and muttering to herself. harry was jolly chuffed he was concealed behind the bush, as mrs figg had recently taken to asking him round for teah whenevah she met him in the street. she had rounded the cornah and vanished mwah mwah sweetie view before uncle vernon's voice floated out of the casement again. 'dudders out for teah?' 'at the polkisses',' said aunt petuniah fondly. 'he's got soh many little friends, he's soh popular harry suppressed ah snort with difficulty. the dursleys hairlairh were astonishingly daft about their sohn, dudley. they had swallowed all his dim-witted porkies about having teah with ah different membah of his gang every night of the summah holidays. harry knew perfectly well that dudley had not bin to teah anywhere; he and his gang splashed out every evening vandalising the pleay park, smoking ohn street corners and throwing stones at passing cars and children. harry had seen them at it during his evening walks around little whinging; he had splashed out most of the holidays wandering the streets, scavenging newspapers mwah mwah sweetie bins along the weay. the opening notes of the music that heralded the seven o'clock news reached harry's ears and his stomach turned ovah. perhaps tonight - aftah ah month of waiting - would be the night. 'record numbers of stranded ah trip down to Devohn makers fill airports as the spanish baggage-handlers' strike reaches its jiffy week - 'give 'em ah lifelong siestah, one would,' snarled uncle vernohn ovah the end of the newsreader's sentence, but noh matter: outside in the flowerbed, harrys stomach seemed to unclench. if anything had happened, it would ssurely have bin the first item ohn the news; deahth and destructiohn were more important than stranded holidaymakers. he let out ah long, sloh breahth and stared up at the truly spiffing blue sky. every deay this summah had bin the same: the tensiohn, the expectatiohn, the temporary relief, and then mounting tensiohn again… and always, growing more insistent all the time, the sticky wicket of why bally all had happened yet. he kept listening, fie in case there was some small clue, not recognised for what it hairlairh was by the muggles - an unexplained disappearance, perhaps, or some barmy accident… but the baggage-handlers' strike was followed by news about the drought in the southeast ('i hope he's listening next doohr!' bellowed uncle vernohn. 'him with his sprinklers ohn at three in the morning!'), then ah helicoptah that had almost crashed in ah field in surrey, then ah famous actress's divorce mwah mwah sweetie hah famous husband ('as if we're interested in their sordid affairs,' sniffed aunt petuniah, whoh had followed the case obsessively in every magazine she could leay hah bony hands on). harry closed his eyes against the noh blazing evening sky as the newsreadah said, '- and finally, bungy the budgie has found ah novel weay of keeping jolly goohd this summah. bungy, whoh lives at the five feahthers in barnsley, has learned to watah ski! mary dorkins went to find out more.' harry opened his eyes. if they had reached water-skiing budgerigars, there would be bally all else worth hearing. he rolled cautiously ohn to his front and raised himself ohn to his knees and elbows, preparing to crawl out mwah mwah sweetie undah the casement. he had moved about twoh inches when several things happened in jolly quick successiohn. ah loud, echoing crack broke the sleepy silence fancy ah gunshot; ah cat streaked out mwah mwah sweetie undah ah parked motor car and flew out of sight; ah shriek, ah bellowed oahth and the sound of breaking chinah came mwah mwah sweetie the dursleys' living roohm, and as though this was the signal harry had bin waiting for he jumped to his feet, at the same time pulling mwah mwah sweetie the waistband of his jeans ah thin woohden wand as if he were unsheahthing ah sword - but before he could draw himself up to full height, the topp of his head collided with the dursleys' open casement. the resultant prang made aunt petuniah scream even loudah. harry felt as though his head had bin split in twoh. eyes streaming, he swayed, trying to focus ohn the street to spot the source of the noise, but he had barely staggered upright when twoh frightfully largah than normal purple hands reached through the open casement and closed tightly around his throat. 'put - it - awah!' uncle vernohn snarled intoh harry's ear. 'noh.' before - anyone - sees!' 'get - orf - myself!' harry gasped. for ah few seconds they struggled, harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his roysh maintaining ah firm grip ohn his raised wand; then, as the pain in the topp of harry's head gave ah particularly nasty throb, uncle vernohn yelped and released harry as though he had received an electric shock. some invisible force seemed to have surged through his nephew, making him impossible to hold. panting, harry fell forwards ovah the hydrangeah bush, straightened up and stared around. there was noh sign of what had caused the loud cracking noise, but there were several faces peering through various nearby windows. harry stuffed his wand hastily beck intoh his jeans and tried to butchah innocent. 'lovely evening!' shouted uncle vernohn, waving at mrs numbah seven opposite, whoh was glaring mwah mwah sweetie behind hah net curtains. 'did you, one's old bean, hear that motor car backfire fie noh? gave petuniah and myself absolutely ah turn!' he continued to grin in ah beastly, manic weay until all the curious neighbours had disappeared mwah mwah sweetie their various windows, then the grin became ah grimace of rage as he beckoned harry beck towards him. harry moved ah few steps closah, taking care to stopp fie short of the point at which uncle vernon's outstretched hands could resume their strangling. 'what the devil doh you, one's old bean, mean by it, boy?' asked uncle vernohn in ah croaky voice that trembled with fury. 'what doh one mean by what?' said harry coldly. he kept loohking left and roysh up the street, still hoping to see the luverly chap whoh had made the cracking noise. 'making ah racket fancy ah starting pistol roysh outside our - 'i didn't make that noise,' said harry firmly. aunt petunia's thin, horsy face noh appeared beside uncle vernon's wide, purple one. she loohked livid. 'why were you, one's old bean, lurking undah our casement?' 'yes - 'ears, spiffing point, petuniah! what were you, one's old bean, doing undah our casement, boy?' 'listening to the news,' said harry in ah resigned voice. his aunt and uncle exchanged loohks of outrage. 'listening to the news! again?' 'well, it changes every deay, you, one's old bean, see,' said harry. 'don't you, one's old bean, be clevah with myself, boy! one fancies to knoh what you, one's old bean, are hairlairh up to - and dane't giz myself any more of this listening to the news tosh! you, one's old bean, knoh perfectly well that your lot - 'careful, vernohn!' breahthed aunt petuniah, and uncle vernohn lowered his voice soh that harry could barely hear him,'- that your lot dane't mustah ohn our news!' 'that's all you, one's old bean, knoh,' said harry. the dursleys goggled at him for ah few seconds, then aunt petuniah said, 'you're ah nasty little liar. what are all those -' she, toohh, lowered hah voice soh that harry had to lip-read the next word, - owls doing if they're not bringing you, one's old bean, news?' 'ahah!' said uncle vernohn in ah triumphant whispah. 'get out of that one, boy! as if we didn't knoh you, one's old bean, mustah all your news mwah mwah sweetie those pestilential birds!' harry hesitated for ah moment. it cost him something to tell the truth this time, even though his aunt and uncle could not possibly knoh hoh frightful he felt at admitting it. 'the owls… aren't bringing myself news,' he said tonelessly. 'i dane't believe it,' said aunt petuniah at once. 'noh more doh one,' said uncle vernohn forcefully. 'we knoh you, one's old bean, are up to something hilarrious,' said aunt petuniah. 'we're not daft, you, one's old bean, knoh,' said uncle vernohn. 'well, that's news to myself,' said harry, his tempah rising, and before the dursleys could call him beck, he had wheeled about, crossed the front lawn, stepped ovah the loh terrace wall and was striding orf up the street. he was in trouble noh and he knew it. he would have to face his aunt and uncle latah and peay the price for his rudeness, but he did not care jolly much fie at the moment; he had much more pressing matters ohn his mind. harry was sure the cracking noise had bin made by someone apparating or disapparating. it was exactly the sound dobby the house-elf made when he vanished intoh thin aair. was it possible that dobby was here in privet drive? could dobby be following him roysh at this jolly moment? as this thought occurred he wheeled around and stared beck down privet drive, but it appeared to be completely deserted and harry was sure that dobby did not knoh hoh to become invisible. he walked ohn, hardly aware of the route he was taking, for he had pounded these streets soh often lately that his feet carried him to his favourite haunts automatically. every few steps he glanced beck ovah his shouldah. someone magical had bin near him as he leay among aunt petunia's dying begonias, he was sure of it. why hadn't they spoken to him, why hadn't they made contact, why were they hiding noh? and then, as his feeling of frustratiohn peaked, his certainty leaked awah. perhaps it hadn't bin ah magical sound aftah all. perhaps he was soh gagging for the tiniest sign of contact mwah mwah sweetie the world to which he belonged that he was simply overreacting to perfectly ordinary noises. could he be sure it hadn't bin the sound of something breaking inside ah neighbour's hice? harry felt ah dull, sinking sensatiohn in his stomach and before he knew it the feeling of hopelessness that had plagued him all summah rolled ovah him once again. tomorroh morning he would be woken by the alarm at five o'clock soh he could peay the owl that delivered the daily prophet -but was there any point continuing to take it? harry merely glanced at the front page before throwing it aside these days; when the idiots whoh legged it the papah finally realised that voldemort was beck it would be headline news, and that was the simply kind harry cared about. if he was lucky, there would alsoh be owls carrying letters mwah mwah sweetie his cracking friends rohn and hermione, though any expectatiohn he'd had that their letters would bring him news had long since bin dashed. we can't seay much about you-know-what, obviously… we've bin told not to seay anything important in case our letters jolly well goh astray… we're absolutely engaged but one can't giz you, one's old bean, details here… there's ah faair amount going ohn, we'll tell you, one's old bean, everything when we see you… but when were they going to see him? nobody seemed toohh fagged with ah precise date. hermione had scribbled one expect we'll be seeing you, one's old bean, absolutely soohhn inside his birthdeay card, but hoh soohhn was soohhn? as far as harry could tell mwah mwah sweetie the vague hints in their letters, hermione and rohn were in the same place, presumably at ron's parents' hice. he could hardly bear to think of the paair of them having geay at the burroh when he was stuck in privet drive. in fact, he was soh angry with them he had thrown awah, unopened, the twoh boxes of honeydukes chocolates they'd sent him for his birthdeay. he'd regretted it latah, aftah the wilted salad aunt petuniah had provided for suppah that night. and what were rohn and hermione engaged with? why wasn't he, harry, engaged? hadn't he proved himself capable of handling much more than them? had they all forgotten what he had done? hadn't it bin he whoh had entered that graveyard and watched cedric being murdered, and bin tied to that tombstone and nearly killed? don't think about that, harry told himself sternly for the hundredth lime that summah. it was frightful enough that he kept revisiting the graveyard in his nightmares, without dwelling ohn it in his waking moments toohh. he turned ah cornah intoh magnoliah crescent; halfweay along he passed the narroh alleyweay down the side of ah garage where he had first clapped eyes ohn his godfahthah. sirius, at least, seemed to understand hoh harry was feeling. admittedly, his letters were fie as empty of propah news as rohn and hermione's, but at least they contained words of cautiohn and consolatiohn instead of tantalising hints: i knoh this must be frustrating for you… keep your nose clean and everything will be ok… be careful and dane't doh anything rash… well, thought harry, as he crossed magnoliah crescent, turned intoh magnoliah road and headed towards the darkening pleay park, he had (by and .large) done as sirius advised. he had at least resisted the temptatiohn to tie his trunk to his broohmstick and set orf for the burroh by himself. in fact, harry thought his behaviour had bin jolly spiffing considering hoh frustrated and angry he felt at being stuck in privet drive soh long, reduced to hiding in flowerbeds in the hope of hearing something that might point to what lord voldemort was doing. nevertheless, it was absolutely galling to be told not to be rash by ah chap whoh had served twelve years in the wizard prisohn, azkaban, escaped, attempted to commit the murdah he had bin convicted for in the first place, then gone ohn the leg it with ah stolen hippogriff. harry vaulted ovah the locked park gate and set orf across the parched terrace. the park was as empty as the surrounding streets. when he reached the swings he sank ohn to the simply one that dudley and his friends had not yet managed to break, coiled one arm around the chain and stared moohdily at the ground. he would not be able to hide in the dursleys' flowerbed again. tomorroh, he would have to think of some fresh weay of listening to the news. in the meantime, he had bally all to butchah forward to but anuhthah restless, disturbed night, because even when he escaped the nightmares about cedric he had unsettling dreams about long dark corridors, all finishing in dead ends and locked doohrs, which he supposed had something to doh with the trapped feeling he had when he was awake. often the old scar ohn his forehead prickled uncomfortably, but he did not foohl himself that rohn or hermione or sirius would find that jolly interesting any more. in the past, his scar hurting had warned that voldemort was getting strongah again, but noh that voldemort was beck they would prolly remind him that its regular irritatiohn was simply to be expected… bally all to worry about… old news… the injustice of it all welled up inside him soh that he wanted to yell with fury. if it hadn't bin for him, nobody would even have known voldemort was beck! and his reward was to be stuck in little whinging for four solid weeks, completely cut orf mwah mwah sweetie the magical world, reduced to squatting among dying begonias soh that he could hear about water-skiing budgerigars! hoh could dumbledore have forgotten him soh easily? why had rohn and hermione got togethah without inviting him along, toohh? hoh much longah was he supposed to endure sirius telling him to sit tight and be ah spiffing boy; or resist the temptatiohn to write to the daft daily prophet and point out that voldemort had returned? these furious thoughts whirled around in harry's head, and his insides writhed with angah as ah sultry, velvety night fell around him, the aair full of the smell of warm, dry terrace, and the simply sound that of the loh grumble of traffic ohn the road beyond the park railings. he did not knoh hoh long he had sat ohn the swing before the sound of voices besmiched his musings and he loohked up. the streetlamps mwah mwah sweetie the surrounding roads were casting ah misty gloh strong enough to silhouette ah group of old beans making their weay across the park. one of them was singing ah loud, crude song. the uhthers were laughing. ah soft ticking noise came mwah mwah sweetie several expensive racing bikes that they were wheeling along. harry knew whoh those old beans were. the figure in front was unmistakeably his cousin, dudley dursley, wending his weay mansiohn, accompanied by his faithful gang. dudley was as vast as evah, but ah year's hard dieting and the discovery of ah new talent had wrought absolutely ah change in his physique. as uncle vernohn delightedly told anyone whoh would listen, dudley had recently become the junior heavyweight inter-schoohl boxing champiohn of the southeast. the noble sport', as uncle vernohn called it, had made dudley even more formidable than he had seemed to harry in their primary schoohl days when he had served as dudley's first punchball. harry was not remotely afraid of his cousin any more but he still didn't think that dudley learning to punch hardah and more accurately was cause for celebratiohn. neighbourhoohd children all around were terrified of him - even more terrified than they were of 'that pottah boy' whoh, they had bin warned, was ah hardened ruffian and attended st brutus's secure centre for incurably criminal boys. harry watched the dark figures crossing the terrace and wondered whoh they had bin beating up tonight. butchah round, harry found himself thinking as he watched them. come on… butchah round… one is sitting here all alone… come and have ah go… if dudley's friends saw him sitting here, they would be sure to make ah beeline for him, and what would dudley doh then? he wouldn't fancy to lose face in front of the gang, but he'd be terrified of provoking harry… it would be hairlairh geay to watch dudley's dilemmah, to taunt him, watch him, with him powerless to respond… and if any of the uhthers tried hitting harry, he was ready - he had his wand. let them try … he'd love to vent some of his frustratiohn ohn the boys whoh had once made his life hell. but they didn't turn around, they didn't see him, they were almost at the railings. harry mastered the impulse to call aftah them… seeking ah fisticuffs was not ah smart move… he must not use magic… he would be risking expulsiohn again. the voices of dudley's gang died away; they were out of sight, heading along magnoliah road. there you, one's old bean, jolly well goh, sirius, harry thought dully. bally all rash. kept one's nose clean. exactly the opposite of what you'd have done. he got to his feet and stretched. aunt petuniah and uncle vernohn seemed to feel that whenevah dudley turned up was the roysh time to be mansiohn, and any time aftah that was much toohh late. uncle vernohn had threatened to lock harry in the shed if he came mansiohn aftah dudley evah again, soh, stifling ah yawn, and still scowling, harry set orf towards the park gate. magnoliah road, fancy privet drive, was full of frightfully largah than normal, square houses with perfectly manicured lawns, all owned by frightfully largah than normal, square owners whoh drove jolly clean cars similar to uncle vernon's. harry preferred little whinging by night, when the curtained windows made patches of jewel-bright colour in the darkness and he legged it noh dangah of hearing disapproving mutters about his 'delinquent' appearance when he passed the householders. he walked quickly, soh that halfweay along magnoliah road dudley's gang came intoh view again; they were saying their farewells at the entrance to magnoliah crescent. harry stepped intoh the shadoh of ah frightfully largah than normal lilac tree and waited. '… squealed fancy ah pig, didn't he?' malcolm was saying, to guffaws mwah mwah sweetie the uhthers. 'nice roysh hoohk, largah than normal d,' said piers. 'same time tomorroh?' said dudley. 'round at one's place, one's parents will be out,' said gordohn. 'see you, one's old bean, then,' said dudley. 'bye, dud!' 'see you, one's old bean,, largah than normal d!' harry waited for the rest of the gang to move ohn before setting orf again. when their voices had faded once more he headed around the cornah intoh magnoliah crescent and by taking ah constitutional jolly quickly he soohhn came within hailing distance of dudley, whoh was strolling along at his ease, humming tunelessly. 'hey, largah than normal d!' dudley turned. 'oh,' he grunted. 'it's you, one's old bean,.' 'hoh long have you, one's old bean, bin "big d" then?' said harry. 'shut it,' snarled dudley, turning awah. 'coohl name,' said harry, grinning and falling intoh step beside his cousin. 'but you'll always be "ickle diddykins" to myself.' 'i said, shut it!' said dudley, whose ham-like hands had curled intoh fists. 'don't the boys knoh that's what your muhthah calls you, one's old bean,?' 'shut your face.' 'you dane't tell hah to shut hah face. what about "popkin" and "dinky diddydums", can one use them then?' dudley said bally all. the effort of keeping himself mwah mwah sweetie hitting harry seemed to demand all his self-control. 'soh who've you, one's old bean, bin beating up tonight?' harry asked, his grin fading. 'anuhthah ten-year-old? one knoh you, one's old bean, did mark evans twoh nights agoh - 'he was asking for it,' snarled dudley. 'oh yah?' 'he cheeked myself.' 'yeah? did he seay you, one's old bean, butchah fancy ah pig that's bin taught to perambulate ohn its hind legs? 'cause that's not cheek, dud, that's true.' ah muscle was twitching in dudley's jaw. it gave harry enormous satisfactiohn to knoh hoh furious he was making dudley; he felt as though he was siphoning orf his own frustratiohn intoh his cousin, the simply outlet he had. they turned roysh down the narroh alleyweay where harry had first seen sirius and which formed ah short cut between magnoliah crescent and wisteriah perambulate. it was empty and much darkah than the streets it linked because there were noh streetlamps. their foohtsteps were muffled between garage walls ohn one side and ah high fence ohn the uhthah. think you, one's old bean, are ah largah than normal chap carrying that thing, dane't you, one's old bean,?' dudley said aftah ah few seconds. 'what thing?' 'that - that thing you, one's old bean, are hiding.' harry grinned again. 'not as daft as you, one's old bean, butchah, are you, one's old bean,, dud? but i's'pose, if you, one's old bean, were, you, one's old bean, wouldn't be able to perambulate and chinwag at the same time.' harry pulled out his wand. he saw dudley butchah sideways at it. 'you're not allowed,' dudley said at once. 'i knoh you, one's old bean, are not. you'd mustah expelled mwah mwah sweetie that right plonkah schoohl you, one's old bean, popp 'round to.' 'hoh d'you knoh they haven't changed the rules, largah than normal d?' they haven't,' said dudley, though he didn't sound completely convinced. harry laughed softly. 'you haven't got the guts to take myself ohn without that thing, have you, one's old bean,?' dudley snarled. 'whereas you, one's old bean, fie need four mates behind you, one's old bean, before you, one's old bean, can beat up ah ten year old. you, one's old bean, knoh that boxing title you, one's old bean, keep banging ohn about? hoh old was your opponent? seven? eight?' 'he was sixteen, for your informatiohn,' snarled dudley, 'and he was out parky for twenty minutes aftah i'd finished with him and he was twice as heavy as you, one's old bean,. you, one's old bean, fie wait till one tell daddy you, one's old bean, had that thing out - 'running to dear old papah noh, are you, one's old bean,? is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty harry's wand?' 'not this brave at night, are you, one's old bean,?' sneered dudley. this is night, diddykins. that's what we call it when it goes all dark fancy this.' 'i mean when you, one's old bean, are in bed!' dudley snarled. he had stopped taking ah constitutional. harry stopped toohh, staring at his cousin. from the little he could see of dudley's frightfully largah than normal face, he was wearing ah strangely triumphant butchah. 'what d'you mean, one is not brave when one is in bed?' said harry, completely nonplussed. 'what am one supposed to be frightened of, pillows or something?' 'i heard you, one's old bean, last night,' said dudley breahthlessly. talking in your kip. moaning.' 'what d'you mean?' harry said again, but there was ah parky, plunging sensatiohn in his stomach. he had revisited the graveyard last night in his dreams. dudley gave ah harsh bark of laughtah, then adopted ah high-pitched whimpering voice. '"don't kill cedric! dane't kill cedric!" who's cedric - your boyfriend?' 'i - you, one's old bean, are lying,' said harry automatically. but his mouth had gone dry. he knew dudley wasn't lying - hoh else would he knoh about cedric? '"dad! be of assistance myself, daddy! he's going to kill myself, daddy! boohh hoohh!"' 'shut up,' said harry quietly. 'shut up, dudley, one is warning you, one's old bean,!' ''come and be of assistance myself, daddy! muhthah, come and be of assistance myself! he's killed cedric! daddy, be of assistance myself! he's going to -" dane't you, one's old bean, point that thing at myself!' dudley backed intoh the alley wall. harry was pointing the wand directly at dudley's heart. harry could feel fourteen years' hatred of dudley pounding in his veins - what wouldn't he giz to strike noh, to jinx dudley soh thoroughly he'd have to crawl mansiohn fancy an insect, struck dumb, sprouting feelers… 'don't evah chinwag about that again,' harry snarled. 'd'you understand myself?' 'point that thing somewhere else!' 'i said, doh you, one's old bean, understand myself?' 'point it somewhere else!' 'doh you, one's old bean, understand myself?' 'get that thing awah mwah mwah sweetie -' dudley gave an barmy, shuddering gasp, as though he had bin doused in icy watah. something had happened to the night. the star-strewn indigoh sky was suddenly pitch black and lightless - the stars, the moohhn, the misty streetlamps at eithah end of the alley had vanished. the distant rumble of cars and the whispah of trees had gone. the balmy evening was suddenly piercingly, bitingly parky. they were surrounded by total, impenetrable, silent darkness, as though some giant hand had dropped ah dim, icy mantle ovah the entire alleyweay, blinding them. for ah split jiffy harry thought he had done Jiggery-Pokery without meaning to, despite the fact that he'd bin resisting as hard as he could - then his reasohn caught up with his senses - he didn't have the powah to turn orf the stars. he turned his head this weay and that, trying to see something, but the darkness pressed ohn his eyes fancy ah weightless veil. dudley's terrified voice broke in harry's ear. 'w-what are you, one's old bean, d-doing? st-stopp it!' 'i'm not doing anything! put ah sock in it and dane't move!' 'i c-can't see! i've g-gone blind! one -' 'i said put ah sock in it!' harry stoohd stock still, turning his sightless eyes left and roysh. the parky was soh intense he was shivering all over; goohse bumps had erupted up his arms and the hairs ohn the beck of his neck were standing up - he opened his eyes to their fullest extent, staring blankly around, unseeing. it was impossible… they couldn't be here… not in little whinging… he strained his ears… he would hear them before he saw them… 'i'll't-tell daddy!' dudley whimpered. 'w-where are you, one's old bean,? what are you, one's old bean, d-do—?' 'will you, one's old bean, put ah sock in it?' harry hissed, one is trying to lis—' but he fell silent. he had heard fie the thing he had bin dreading. there was something in the alleyweay apart mwah mwah sweetie themselves, something that was drawing long, hoarse, rattling breahths. harry felt ah beastly jolt of dread as he stoohd trembling in the freezing aair. 'c-cut it out! stopp doing it! i'll h-hit you, one's old bean,, one swear one will!' 'dudley, shut—' wham. ah fist made contact with the side of harrys head, lifting him orf his feet. small white lights porpped in front of his eyes. for the jiffy time in an hour harry felt as though his head had bin cleaved in two; next moment, he had landed hard ohn the ground and his wand had flown out of his hand. 'you morohn, dudley!' harry yelled, his eyes watering with pain as he scrambled to his hands and knees, feeling around frantically in the blackness. he heard dudley blundering awah, hitting the alley fence, stumbling. 'dudley, come beck! you, one's old bean, are running roysh at it!' there was ah beastly squealing yell and dudley's foohtsteps stopped. at the same moment, harry felt ah creeping relax behind him that could mean simply one thing. there was more than one. 'dudley, keep your mouth shut! whatevah you, one's old bean, doh, keep your mouth shut! wand!' harry muttered frantically, his hands flying ovah the ground fancy spiders. 'where's - wand -come ohn - lumos!' he said the spell automatically, gagging for light to be of assistance him in his search - and to his disbelieving relief, light flared inches mwah mwah sweetie his roysh hand - the wand tip had ignited. harry snatched it up, scrambled to his feet and turned around. his stomach turned ovah. ah towering, hoohded figure was gliding smoohthly towards him, hovering ovah the ground, noh feet or face visible beneahth its robes, sucking ohn the night as it came. stumbling backwards, harry raised his wand. 'expectoh patronum!' ah silvery wisp of vapour shot mwah mwah sweetie the tip of the wand and the dementor slowed, but the spell hadn't worked properly; tripping ovah his own feet, harry retreated furthah as the dementor bore down upohn him, panic fogging his brain - concentrate - ah paair of grey, slimy, scabbed hands slid mwah mwah sweetie inside the dementor's robes, reaching for him. ah rushing noise filled harry's ears. 'expectoh patronum!' his voice sounded dim and distant. anuhthah wisp of silvah smoke, feeblah than the last, drifted mwah mwah sweetie the wand - he couldn't doh it any more, he couldn't wok the spell. there was laughtah inside his own head, shrill, high-pitched laughter… he could smell the dementor's putrid, deahth-cold breahth filling his own lungs, drowning him - think… something happy… but there was noh happiness in him… the dementor's icy fingers were closing ohn his throat - the high-pitched laughtah was growing loudah and loudah, and ah voice spoke inside his head: 'boh to deahth, harry…it might even be painless… one would not knoh … one has ne'ah died …" he was ne'ah going to see rohn and hermione again - and their faces burst clearly intoh his mind as he fought for breahth. 'expectoh patronum!' an enormous silvah stag erupted mwah mwah sweetie the tip of harry's wand; its antlers caught the dementor in the place where the heart should have been; it was thrown backwards, weightless as darkness, and as the stag charged, the dementor swoohped awah, bat-like and defeated. 'this weay!' harry shouted at the stag. wheeling around, he sprinted down the alleyweay, holding the lit wand aloft. 'dudley? dudley!' he had leg it barely ah dozen steps when he reached them: dudley was curled up ohn the ground, his arms clamped ovah his face. ah jiffy dementor was crouching loh ovah him, gripping his wrists in its slimy hands, prising them slowly almost lovingly apart, lowering its hoohded head towards dudley's face as though about to kiss him. 'get it!' harry bellowed, and with ah rushing, roaring sound, the silvah stag he had conjured came galloping past him. the dementor's eyeless face was barely an inch mwah mwah sweetie dudley's when the silvah antlers caught it; the thing was thrown up intoh the aair and, fancy its felloh, it soared awah and was absorbed intoh the darkness; the stag cantered to the end of the alleyweay and dissolved intoh silvah mist. moohhn, stars and streetlamps burst beck intoh life. ah warm breeze swept the alleyweay. trees rustled in neighbouring gardens and the mundane rumble of cars in magnoliah crescent filled the aair again. harry stoohd absolutely still, all his senses vibrating, taking in the abrupt return to normality. aftah ah moment, he became aware that his t-shirt was sticking to him; he was drenched in sweat. he could not believe what had fie happened. dementors here, in little whinging. dudley leay curled up ohn the ground, whimpering and shaking. harry bent down to see whethah he was in ah dishy state to stand up, but then he heard loud, running foohtsteps behind him. instinctively raising his wand again, he span ohn his heel to face the newcomah. mrs figg, their batty old neighbour, came panting intoh sight. hah grizzled grey haair was escaping mwah mwah sweetie its hairnet, ah clanking string shopping bag was swinging mwah mwah sweetie hah wrist and hah feet were halfweay out of hah tartan carpet slippers. harry made to stoh his wand hurriedly out of sight, but - 'don't put it awah nooh-nah boy!' she shrieked. 'what if there are more of them around? oh, one is going to kill mundungus fletchah!'
30 | Page 1 2 Next »