|Reviews for False Dawn|
| Steven Verg chapter 1 . 7/23/2006
Very nice story! My hat is off to you! Im working on a story on my own you know. Its a story that briges the gap between KOTOR and KOTOR 2 THE SITH LORDS. Im at thirty-two chapter right now. So if you want to read it send me an email. But I will be on vacation for awhile so...see ya!
| Kendoka Girl chapter 9 . 4/23/2005
Hiya LV! I hope you are well.
I'm off an running, but had some time to read. You have created an outstanding character study and the depth given to Revan, Malak, and the whole setting is amazing.
Aloha...or cheerio now, I suppose.
| KevinEC chapter 9 . 4/18/2005
I really do enjoy this story. Tagging it for future reference.
| SlayerKite0 chapter 8 . 2/3/2005
I love this fic. Truly an exquisite piece of work. And yes, I do find the parts about the Republic boring...BUT I READ THEM ANYWAY. *Sigh*
The only thing that could make this better, would have to be some HK-47 quotes.
| Luthe chapter 8 . 12/27/2004
Well done! I assume your going to write a part for Revan next? And just out of curiosity, will the Sith Carth ran into show up again any time soon?
| dark siders chapter 8 . 11/29/2004
We are coworkers of Alice's and you come highly recommended as a good writer.
Your writing of the Republic's military structure is nicely done. In this era of Star Wars, you can pretty much create your own idea of how they function and you've done it nicely.
Your characters are lively and well rounded, which makes for a more fulfilling reading experience.
| Tinuviel Undomiel chapter 8 . 11/14/2004
Yeah, thery're gonna get married! They're gonna get married! Hey where is revan and Bastila? they have been absent for a while, and I do love those dudes.
| Prisoner 24601 chapter 8 . 11/10/2004
You've already gotten my comments on this chapter so I'll just say, good work and it's good to see the post.
By the way, I think I've told you this already, but I like your version of Morgana. It's not how I pictured her, but it's certainly not wrong since she is pretty much a blank slate. And seeing other writers views of her is simply part of the fun, I think.
| Kendoka Girl chapter 8 . 11/9/2004
I enjoyed the anxiety you developed in the romance and Morgana is an engaging and interesting character. She offsets the Governor and his daughter well. I think her sacrifice of her position will make her loss all the more tragic.
I liked what you said about Republic uniforms and your description of the dress uniform was very nice.
There were some typos; nothing a few corrections wouldn't fix. I circled them on my printout if you want to make changes.
I think this makes an interesting and detailed storyline that adds a lot of flavor to the KOTOR genre.
| xenzen chapter 8 . 11/8/2004
Well, looks like you've really delved into the past of KoTOR, and the events leading up to it. Very detailed, and I like how you've fleshed out some minor characters and given them life, like Saul.
Few things: You're missing commas, especially with regards to pronouns and titles. Ex: "Very well Colonel." Should be "Very well, Colonel." This goes for names, too. "Thank you, Carth." and "No, sir, that's not correct."
Carth doesn't sound like Carth. He uses a great deal of contractions in his speech, and something like: "I cannot thank you enough but, but is it right that I-" should be "I can't thank you enough, but, but is it right that I-" He sounds too formal and stilted in your fic, which just isn't, to my mind, in character for him. I could change his name to an OC name and wouldn't know the difference, for example. Carth's got a very common man air to him, someone who's informal in his speech, and ordinary. He may sound formal when speaking to his military superiors, but even then he should use contractions.
"Show, Don't Tell". Try not to get into the habit of telling your readers something. Instead, show it. Example: Carth Onasi was a suspicious man, he had always been, but after fighting his first proper battle, more so.
Compare the above to: Carth Onasi watched the colonel warily as he poured two cups of caffa from a pitcher on his desk. Carth waited until the other man had taken a few sips of his drink before putting his own mug cautiously to his lips.
See the difference? In the above, you're telling me Carth's a suspicious man (I don't think Carth's lost his idealism yet before Saul betrays him, so he really shouldn't be suspicious, or *that* suspicious before that event, but Your Carth May Vary, so). In my example, I'm showing how Carth thinks, that he doesn't trust the colonel through his actions.
The other thing you may want to watch out for is big paragraphs. Most people are reading your fic on their computer screens, and I, for one, don't find it easy to read text that's jumbled together in such a large block. Try to chop your paragraphs into more bite-sized pieces.
Original characters: I've got nothing against OCs, in fact, I use them in my own fic. However, please keep them to a minimum, or perhaps limit your POVs. Too many OCs, if you don't give them distinguishing characteristics or idiosyncratic speech, tends to make them all bleed together in the minds of the readers.
History and SW: I notice you're basing a lot of your fic on Earth history, especially the Imperial English era. Nothing wrong with this, and it may give your military-buff readers a bit of a thrill, but remember that most readers aren't history buffs, and would appreciate characterization more than military history given a thin veneer of SW tech.
For example, I don't think it makes sense for Carth to have to pay for his Republic commission, like the English captains used to do. The Republic may sell commissions to the very wealthy, but the common soldier should still be recruited and rise up through the ranks. The Republic isn't as cash-strapped as England, and it's huge, with thousands of worlds, so basing the history so closely to Earth really doesn't make sense.
Also, don't try to turn your fic into a military history lesson. Most people, barring the military history enthusiast readers you may have, are more interested in characterization, and how this relates to the military situation. Technobabble should be kept to a minimum, and so should milspeak, unless the situation warrants it and a particular scene needs that military atmosphere.
Saul, while being a cold-hearted ambitious bastard should have some sort of redeeming qualities to him besides military brilliance and strategic genius. Why does Carth hold this man up as such a hero to him, if he's such a cold, calculating fish? Perhaps he's extremely loyal to his men, visits them at their bedside personally when they are wounded. Perhaps he takes Carth under his wing and comforts him after his first battle and killing people. Show us the human side.
Finally, some sensory details to your fic would give it that much more of a flavor. Visual cues are fine, but make us really live a scene. Give us smell, give us touch, give us taste. Well, taste can mostly be avoided, unless it involves food, either entering or exiting a body, and kissing. :)
I hope my review helps you more than I hindered. :)
| ether-fanfic chapter 8 . 11/7/2004
I'm really enjoying the development of Carth and Morgana's relationship amidst all the politics. Mwhaha, I cracked up at Carth's "love" slip, heheh. Nice gesture from Greves, and I could just see him making that bet. Looking forward to more!
| Lord Satasn chapter 7 . 11/5/2004
Awesome stuff man, I find the carth stuff alittle boring, mainly because I like Star Wars for the Sith and Jedi and etc. but it's well written and ur story goes to a wider majority of ppl, so ur fan base will be bigger, but I'd like to see more of it, keep it up!
| Kendoka Girl chapter 7 . 10/30/2004
This was delightful. The fish-out-of-water theme for Carth plays very well. Saul is superbly 'Duke of Wellington-ish' and this reminds me a lot of the Richard Sharpe series that I saw and read a while back.
A couple of sentences could be reworked, but it read very smoothly and the drama was nice.
| Tinuviel Undomiel chapter 7 . 10/29/2004
I was right! Morgana is gong to be Carth's wife.
| ether-fanfic chapter 7 . 10/27/2004
Aw :) Good chapter, amusing to see Carth fumbling through the romance - I can very much see that in a younger Carth. Hrm, can see the darker side of Saul a bit, I'm quite curious as to how Carth ends up getting such a high opinion of him.
Especially liked the line:
“Well, concussion has not reduced your ability to agree with me,