Reviews for Mamoru's family and goten's girl
Niamh is searching for a muse chapter 1 . 9/7/2004
Oh GOD!

I-I can't even say anything.

Your story is like a pinball machine, it just bounces around from one idea to another at lightning speed.

First of all, there needs to be more explanation as to why any of this is happening. You just shoved your characters into another world, now some authors could do this and come up with a really interesting reason to reveal later on, but I'm not holding my breath.

It's not even a page long, it couldn't have taken you more than ten minutes, if something is worth posting it's worth more time than that, trust me.

There are no physics. This happens and this happens and this happens with nothing to cause them or connect them. Your charecters seem wooden and your diologue is boring. Even though long lost parents are returning it feels like nothing is happening. Mamoru's reaction is completely unrealistic, his parents have been gone for like twenty years and all he does is make a silly comment and laugh?

Blegh!

Niamh
lost-focus chapter 1 . 9/7/2004
Ok...not much but good none the less! plzz continue!