|Reviews for Sinful Temptation|
| yusav chapter 10 . 5/29/2013
That's sad. If only...
The only 'positive' outcome of Kaiba's death is that it stops her. His death ended her first torment. Being assasin. But it opens new one.
What a tragedy.
It's well written. I have to say that :)
tho from practical mind, maybe since she killed Katsuo as well, she could have just spared Kaiba for Mokuba's sanity...
| yusav chapter 9 . 5/29/2013
| yusav chapter 8 . 5/29/2013
| yusav chapter 7 . 5/29/2013
Whoah that's intense.. So what's she going to do? :o
| yusav chapter 5 . 5/29/2013
Three words: Kaiba! You jerk!
| yusav chapter 1 . 5/29/2013
| aimi-chan24 chapter 1 . 9/21/2010
After reading chapter 1, I thought it was similar to 'Assasinate The CEO'. Anyway, I like your story! :) A little bit of grammar check would do too, but I think it's all good! :)
| Haruka Mizumi chapter 10 . 3/8/2006
Having read through your review, I couldn't help but notice the unusually long comment/criticism posted by yukishimo. There are points of which I have to agree with Yuki, because the characterization of Rei has been over done. No one would even come in close to Rei's point of perfection.
Having said that, I have to disagree with Yuki about the plot of the story. I thought it was rather interesting/refreshing. True, the whole thing with the assasin-romance has been done over and over again, however, the outcome of such stories has always been happy endings. I think it was rather interesting how you interpretted the human nature and the natural desire for certain kinds of people. I also enjoyed seeing a certain change in Seto Kaiba, and the way you were able to open up a door to a side of Kaiba that may have been hidden deep within him all this time. On the surface of things, Kaiba may be a cold bastard who thinks he's too good for everyone; much like how the tv show portrayed him, but I liked how you gave the possibility that there might be another side to Seto that we weren't able to come in contact with.
Overall, I think it was a great story. I really enjoyed it. (.' Stayed up until 12 reading it, hell yea I liked it!) Some grammer mistakes here and there, but a little editing would do. Keep up the good work!
| PrussianBlue Cross chapter 10 . 3/5/2006
One of the good ones I've read... Will you write another story soon? E-mail me if you do!
| yukishimo chapter 10 . 2/4/2006
After having a quick skim through the reviews for this fic, it appears that
everybody really liked it. Sadly, I didn't. Please don't take this as a flame,
but rather advice from a fellow fic-writer and reader.
First of all, your OC reduced my Mary Sue meter to a smoking wreck. I'm serious.
Faux-Japanese name? Check. Irresistably beautiful to all and sundry (and
especially fandom's resident bastard)? Check. OMG teh twagic past? Check.
"Curves where she needed them"? Check. Ridiculously high IQ? Check. Expresses
her inner conflict through her fantabulous artist's paintbrush and singing
voice? Check. OMG teh attitude? Check. I could rant on and on at length about
how your character so frequently rubbed me up the wrong way. Yes, we've all
written Mary Sues in our time, but Rei is one of the most obnoxious I've ever
come across. Doesn't she have any faults at all? Doesn't she have a personality
of her own? From what I can see, her only purpose was to angst and attempt to
seduce Kaiba. Chronic wangst and "alluring lust" does not a solid character
make. In fact, Rei is so blatantly Mary Sue that she's practically a caricature.
Nobody wants to read about a perfect character.
It didn't help that you chose a hackneyed plotline to boot. Gorgeous assassin is
hired by bigshot business man to bump off Seto Kaiba, but oh noes! She falls for
him instead. It's been done countless times before, and it'll be done countless
times again. Why not come up with something fresher, something yours?
Talking of Kaiba, whatever did you do to the poor fella? Or maybe that's not
really him, but some sort of doppelganger with Kaiba's name pinned onto it. The
latter would make much more sense. Kaiba isn't some sort of Corporate Casanova,
as all these MS fics make him out to be. You use the adjectives that describe
his canon persona - cold, aloof, detached, arrogant, etc. - but they are all
forgotten and Kaiba mysteriously turns into a predatory womaniser. What the
hell? Kaiba takes so little interest in the human race as it is, I seriously
doubt he'd fall for your Sue just because she sauntered into his office wearing
tight jeans and a sultry smile. And he certainly wouldn't go all jealous lover.
If anything, he would keep that jealousy suppressed. I'm not saying "Setomance"
can't be done - but given Kaiba's character, it would be slow and painful for
both parties involved, certainly not lust at first sight (unless by chance she
was dangling some rare and uber-powerful card in
Â front of him). Sure, by all means attempt a Kaiba-romance, but please don't
warp his character just to suit your avatar.
And it's not just Kaiba who's forced to bend over backwards for your OC. You've
taken the canon characters' personalities and flattened them with a
sledgehammer. Tea exists only to fancy Yugi, Yugi exists only because he's the
main character, Serenity exists only to be sweet, and Joey, Tristan and Duke
exist only to be smitten by your character's preternatural beauty. Please.
Trivialising the canon characters' personalities until they're nothing but
cardboard cutouts with no other purpose but to worship at the feet of your OC?
All you'll achieve is the emnity of a good proportion of the Yu-Gi-Oh! fandom. I
want to see my favourite characters acting as my favourite characters. I don't
want to see them deferring to Mary Sue and her many sisters.
Besides the subject manner, there are technical points of your story that I
think deserve to be mentioned.
I know in school we're told that adjectives and adverbs make your story more
interesting, but trust me here: less is more. Words like "quietly", "heatedly"
or "logically" are rendered redundant if the dialogue is clear. Tone should come
across in the words and the context. If you really need to put in lots of
adverbs, then your dialogue needs some serious work. Similarly, is it really
necessary to use the words "stated", "apologised" or "accepted" all the time?
Don't be afraid to use the word "said" once in a while.
And your word choice is at times... well... odd. Odd to the point of bordering
on purple. Fingers "caressing" the keyboard? Unless Kaiba and Rei are into
technophilia, this just seems a bit excessive. There are times when you really
don't need to describe action in painstaking detail; usually then it becomes dry
and boring. And try to avoid adjectives for eyes like "sapphire" or "emerald".
They're trite. Using "blue" or "green" can't hurt any. By the same token, don't
use the other extreme and rape your thesaurus. I got the feeling that you use a
thesaurus quite liberally, in order to make your prose sound more mature or
interesting. Instead, it just seems awkward, as oddly-placed words disrupt the
natural flow of the sentences. It's also a good idea to check the proper
meanings of words you find in the thesaurus, as lists of synonyms can be pretty
loosely related to the original word, and different words often have very
And be very careful about where you lavish your lyrical descriptions. Too much
becomes purple prose, which is awkward and turgid, especially when you're
describing something as simple as pouring a cup of coffee. At the moment your
prose swings between melodramatic at best and nauseating at worst. I don't care
how many times you use the word "seductive" and "alluring" - one of the cardinal
rules of writing is "Show, don't tell" and I won't feel anything until the
characters' dialogue or actions, or even the prose itself, conveys the desired
atmosphere. Having the key atmospheric words stuck in the sentences just doesn't
My last problem is your "Japanese" names. Kagome? That name is firmly
connotative of something completely different from your story. How was I
supposed to take the flashback scene in chapter one seriously when all the time
I kept expecting Inu-Yasha to swoop in and save the day? And Darrien? Last time
I looked, that was never a Japanese name. Names like "Rei Sachiko" are also
annoying. Instead of making up names that sound vaguely Japanese, why don't you
find a name website and get some real Japanese names?
I'm sorry I couldn't give this a positive review. I spend ten chapters trying to
like it, but I had to give up. Please, do a bit of research, work on your
writing style - make sure you drop all those surplus adjectives and adverbs, do
the canon characters the justice they and their creator deserve. And while
you're at it, why don't you try writing a plausible Setomance because it's a
good idea, not just because Kaiba is "teh hawt"?
Good luck! I have faith in you! You have a glimmer of real talent, you just need
to practice and drop the godawful Mary Sues.
| Amrita Marie chapter 10 . 10/9/2005
o my god
only god knows how much i love this story
wow master art
truly it is
| Mileniua chapter 10 . 9/21/2005
Well written, very lusty, excellent job. The whole premise was well thought out. Five stars!
| KatrinaKaiba chapter 10 . 9/7/2005
[crying] That was so sad. Poor Mokuba. I lied this story so much. Hope you write more in the future.
| sidesofme2005 chapter 10 . 8/30/2005
NO! I can't believe she killed seto. Tht was so sad. NIce job though. Very good story. I like you other stories 2 so im gonna add you to mi fav. aouthors list. _
| Kerigan chapter 10 . 8/29/2005
OMG...How...shocking. I can't say I enjoyed the ending as much as the story itself. It became too...melodramamtic, but I still liked it. Just...death of Seto was kinda of weird. Also, I couldn't bring myself to be sad for her. She did kill him herself, so obviously she knew what she wanted.
Poor Duke, he's so decieved. .
Anyway, I did enjoy the story and all it's wonderful chapters. Just the ending bummed me out. Still, the sexy idea with her and Seto was just delicious. Can't wait for another. :D