|Reviews for Final Judgment, Kodachi|
| Dummy Perception chapter 11 . 7/15/2013
I knew it. Most of the pervs out there don't know the practical part of the stuff anyway. XD
But Cologne and Happi. There's no other couple I'll ever want to happen in this whole world. XD
Well, the feeling's mutual anyway. Haha.
But Ryoga and Nabiki huh? Hmmm...
I love how each character grew into better ones... I wish Takahashi had expressed the same at the end of the series. I wished they all ended up as friends too.
But Kodachi's change was the biggest one...and the most difficult to justify (I mean, what Great Disaster can shock a madwoman from insanity, huh?). But congratulations for pulling it off...
| Ganheim chapter 11 . 6/19/2008
so she decided to do some maintenance on here arsenal.
What did he ever do to you?”
“Well, for one…”
“Lunch is ready.”
Akane shot another glare at Ranma as he completely missed it.
[As he so often does.]
and come on over,” as she .
[As she what?]
The author smirks at the reader. : )
[And the reader scoffs at the lame crude humour, besides an author's note jammed unceremoniously into the story text.]
“What the?” said Ranma-chan. “Mousse and Kuno working together? That’ll be the day.”
[Stranger things have happened.]
and Ranma in his series uniform (red Chinese shirt and black drawstring pants).
[This would have been much more effective (and felt less of a cop-out) if it had been referred to as his 'usual attire' or 'favorite' instead of 'series uniform'. It's not a uniform and it's also not the only thing he wears through the series.]
Shampoo glomped onto Ranma almost in tears.
[Missing implied comma after 'Ranma'.]
Mousse became one with the stairs.
“Ok, usually I see people by appointment only,
[I'm surprised she didn't immediately demand a down payment 'to settle an appointment' or something like that.]
Nabiki was somewhat amused. Kodachi interested in Mousse? This should be fun.
[Oh the possibilities...]
I ducked, but I saw Mousse get hit with it.
[This doesn't fully match Kodachi's speech patterns.]
That’s what happened. My, and here I thought I was going mad.
“Well…” said Nabiki as she glanced at the wad of yen on her desk. Suddenly there was another, equally thick wad of yen beside it. ‘I love new clients.’
[Points: 10. Absolutely hilarious.]
[Missing 'He', or 'Genma']
I’m just a cute panda taking a bath with his fishy friends.
Where is that other person’s wife?
“I think you know that answer, Kodachi,” replied Nabiki.
Kodachi broke down crying, then suddenly stopped.
[I think Kodachi's denser than this – at least about this subject. It could be considered one of the sillier comic devices through the show, but it's one that I think is hilarious.]
each about the size of Zengief from Street Fighter,
[Which describes nothing to those not fans of Street Fighter. Giving an approximation of height (probably just in terms of feet/meters) would probably do.]
As he absorbed him surroundings
and a nice brown hardwood floor.
[Gasp! Brown wood, who'd have thought!]
The lights were dim, enhancing the light
[That's emphasizing, not enhancing.]
after watching Saotome and Habiki change
Suddenly he performed a sweep kick, literally sweeping her legs from under her, but instead of her falling to the floor like most opponents, her legs flew up as her back arched and soon completed a perfect somersault.
[A good recovery.]
Who’s nervous?” Ranma answered nervously.
Ranma sighed in relief when Kodachi went toward the other fireplace to the left.
[other fireplace? So there were multiple fireplaces? As opposed her going the other direction to a fireplace on the left.]
Ranma heard none of this as his mind raced, passing the Millennium Falcon and causing the Enterprise to spin out of control in its wake.
before my world crumbled.”
[I dunno, this seems quite deeply in thought for Kodachi, her character is more one of denial rather than the acceptance exibited here.]
and unlike my brother, I will keep my vow.”
[Just like 'I will forsake my love for Ranma-sama'.]
[Purely from the female voice coming from a non-female-appearing-character?]
Shampoo no see her before?”
[This looks more like a statement (period) than interrogative (question mark).]
just various sharpening tool of many types,
I know that look.’ “Ranma, I know that look on your face.”
[Repetition: I know...]
“Don’t know,” said the glorified extra with only one line.
[What, couldn't get the budget for one of the lesser recurring characters? *Rimshot*]
a technique he had learned from Genma a while back. Nabiki recognized it immediately.
“Oh, I didn’t know you knew the Pounce of the Wounded Tiger technique.”
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…” he pleaded.
[I think my favorite reference to it was in the English dub. “Assume the position!”]
we can keep going on like this.”
[we _can't_ keep going]
with a bonbori,
[Look up 'bonbori' on .com or wikipedia. You'll discover it's a paper lantern, and the weapon Shampoo wields is a solid-sphere steel mace called a 'chúi'.]
gNo,” Shampoo snickered, “is just common business sense.”
They didn’t realized, however,
“Laugh and I shall destroy you both.”
The snickering promptly stopped.
Wouldn’t you flee if you saw that crew?
[Considering how many times Pantyhose-taro has, alone, nearly killed virtually the entire Nerima Wrecking Crew, it's little surprise that Ranma and Mousse go to prepare.]
“You’re not supposed to answer a question with a question, you know,” with a grin.
“Of course not, but it still answers your question, doesn’t it?”
[Okay, yes, that was funny.]
Kasumi shuddered, which was not lost on Nabiki, “Copycat Ken.”
[I don't recall him bothering Kasumi.]
You’re reputation helps you here,
to survive this mourning practice.
[Spelling: morning (if you meant 'beginning of the day').]
she’s has kept her
[Repetition: the contraction of 'has' with 'has' right next to it.]
of punching any male face that close to her,
[that _got_ close to her]
They had just attached small, forward facing, wooden chair with arm rests to Ryoga’s backpack.
[Nabiki's shown she's willing to walk when money's on the line. This idea just looks outside the realm of believability.]
“First of all, let me thank you for telling me the truth.
[This whole scene was on the edge of character expectation, but I don't see Nabiki doing something as...human as this.]
You like to crush various objects, she saves her customers lives…ooppss.”
from Street Fighter II
[Brief comic references to crossovers can be okay, but this gets stretched lame very fast.]
(classic Chun Li heel kick).
[Only 'classic' for people who are big fans. For those who aren't, this is annoying and nondescriptive.]
It mainly had the basics; wooden walls
[Gasp! Wooden walls, in a building?]
“Doctor Tofu,” she steamed.
[Unusual for her to loose her cool, even under these circumstances.]
“Of course. All I do is excessively use my gaming skills in real life.”
[A fair attempt.]
“No, you freaking JABBED it with your freaking FINGER and the freaking wall freaking EXPLODED!”
[Overuse of 'freaking'. And no, it's not funny. It's repetitious.]
“That…that technique…it doesn’t…affect…living…”
[Based on the last narrative description, the pattern (pausing and all that) seems to match with Guy's shocked/panicked state. Ryouga knows this but there's no clear tag to tell the audience 'hey, this is who's talking']
“No, it doesn’t.” Guy sighed
[This says that it's Guy saying this. It's still ambiguous as to who's saying it. Is it Guy? Ryouga? The one who talked before? A surprise entrant you neglected to mention?]
“And just how is that supposed to Ranma with his situation?”
[Huh? Do you mean '_related_ to Ranma'?]
This isn’t like you to attack the helpless and weak.”
[Yet he's done so before.]
or we've somehow managed to land in the world of Chrono Trigger.”
[I love Chrono Trigger. But anyway . . .]
“None shall pass,” commanded Kaori.
[I was expecting more of a repetition of Monty Python's Black Knight sketch.]
What kind of man are you?”
“The kind of Guy that knows better then to underestimate women. They make up at least a third of the legendary fighting characters in fighting games history.”
[The first point that this guy gets for intelligence.]
extra long raman noodles
Ryoga could not, or at least, not Nabiki.
[at least _would not, hit Nabiki_?]
The main problem, however, was that he was unarmed while she had a knife.
[It's easy to use simple grapples to disarm somebody with either gun or knife...provided they're within 2 meters, inside that distance even somebody without a weapon can overpower somebody with a gun. Outside that and a bullet will move faster than surprise.]
All he had to do was think of taunting Ranma, not Nabiki.
[Oh, yes, because Ranma and Nabiki react to exactly the same things...]
Nabiki had reached the plasma point, and for those not familiar with science this is a temperature generally found below the surface of the sun.
[Plasma is the state of matter beyond the vapour state, minute quantities are also formed by jet engines, objects re-entering the earth's atmosphere, etc.]
in the process saved both of there lives.
with the added bonus of knocking the chopsticks out of her hands (Liu Kang’s flying jump kick).
[Describing the maneuver is better than just saying the name it has in that other fandom, but remember that many of the people in _this_ fandom likely don't know what that is. Because of that, jamming in the attack name (even if it's described here) is jarringly interruptive, and probably irritating to people who know what it is already. Sticking to simply describing the move is your best bet.]
and hit Kaori between her chest and neck (Baraka’s spark toss attack),
[See above note.]
as if he were riding a bicycle backwards (Liu Kang’s Bicycle Kick, of course).
[See above note.]
He also had three green after-images follow closely after him (Johnny Cage’s Shadow Kick).
[See above note.]
The night went by peacefully and all HP/MP was recovered.
[Video game reference, but nothing overrepetitious and this time funny.]
Akane sniffed and shed a tear of joy at the praise. “Thank you…”
[This seemed out of character, yet made me chuckle instead of being irritating as most OOC things are.]
choking on their Raman as the voice
He started twirling in the opposite direction that the chains were going,
[What, Mousse didn't do his usual 'wrap from both sides'?]
and we all know about what assumption does. ;-)
[Warning: close to an author's note mid-chapter, which is always a bad thing. The cheap ASCII-art hurts it the most.]
“Who gets hurt first?”
“You,” growled Akane
when he had to hop over a bonbori aimed for the back of his left kneecap.
[That was a little long, but it's also against what a chúi (the mace, see prior note to 'bonbori') is designed to do. They inflict shock damage, blunt force trauma through armor, crushing bone. Shampoo is clearly experienced with her apparent favorites, and would probably aim to shatter the kneecap instead of sweeping him off his feet.]
gHe’s cursed?” asked Ukyou.
[Doesn't Ukyou know about Pantyhose-taro's curse?]
He then apologized to his luck and rushed to help the girls fight off that nasty mino.
[Points for apologizing to luck: 1]
“Taro land in very cursed spring called Niuhoomanmaorenniichuan.”
“The Spring of Drowned Yeti Riding A Bull While Carrying Crane and Eel.”
[If just for the length of its name, that spring always gets a laugh from me.]
“But Shampoo no know where tentacles come from.”
[Didn't they all figure this out, or at least Shampoo at about the same time as Akane?]
Kuno ran his free hand through his hair as he smiled. “Heh. I wish I did.”
[Not Kuno's typiccal speech pattern.]
“FIST OF THE WHITE SWANN!”
“And it’s so cute!” 3
[What's the numeral for? And if you were going to throw in more ASCII-art, -1 points.]
He nodded in the negative.
[Excuse me? Nodding may be a negative in some places in the world, but in all of Japan I know a nod yes and shake no is the same as in the West.]
and was surprised even more when the paper said “ouch.”
“SOMEBODY CALL 911!”
[Or 112, which I believe is fire/medical emergency in Japan. Minor detail, I realize that the English-reading audience will understand the '911' being America's dedicated emergency services phone number.]
After waiting a few seconds or Tofu to respond,
Early mourning training,
who am I trying to kid.
[This is an interrogative, methinks, but it's missing a question mark.]
“So since we all fought all-out,
[Repetition of 'all', I think the first one could go as it's implied under a simple 'we'.]
now I’m almost sorry for all those insults I throw at you.”
Cough “Not while
[I like that you didn't try to cram the action into the dialog, but that word alone isn't enough of a narrative tag. It's also missing a closing period.]
all those tree with my head all day long!”
said Ryoga. “If I weren’t there to see it myself I never would’ve…wounded puppies?”
[The implied double-take here is worth a point for comedy.]
Upstairs, Akane was finally in her room for the first time since Monday.
[Gigantic ugly block of text. Break up into several paragraphs.]
Sensing that the readers were getting tired of all the descriptions of what was going on,
[More tired of gigantic blocks of text.]
and you’re sister was even worse
thus I know that he may never be my brother-in-law,
[Were you intending the more certain 'he _will_ never'?]
said Nabiki,” but I’ve had enough traveling for one month.
[The placement of the quotation mark makes it look like the speech tag is dialog. And missing closing quote mark.]
a couple of aura’s flash briefly.
“Training Nabiki?” Mousse.
[Mousse what? Could we get a proper narrative tag?]
And that is how the joyous celebration of Kodachi’s recovery degenerated into a huge fight between Ranma and Akane.
[As if anybody wasn't expecting it to.]
That was an interesting story, and though I saw a lot of it coming, don't take that in a bad way. The characters all ended up growing by the end of the story, something that they didn't even do in some arcs of the manga/anime. Every alteration was something that was logical and rooted in notable outside forces instead of mystical 'plot devices'.
God bless and happy writing,
| Ghost chapter 7 . 3/12/2007
ArGgh! *die a little*
You know those 4:th-wall-breaking self-inserts during Ryoga's talk with Nabiki?
Please, don't do that. Please, please, *please* with a big cherry on the top.
Otherwise, not to shabby.
At first I thought a martial art based on old-school fighting games was a bit silly, but Guy's comment about "short, non-lethal, and fun" does make a wierd kind of sense. Xp
Ps. About Kasumi, I personally can't see her as some sort of benevolent Machiavelli, pulling the strings behind the scenes. I *do* believe she's really a rather intelligent young woman, though, who actually do notice more of the goings on around Furinkan then one might assume at first glance.
| Ghost chapter 6 . 3/10/2007
Aw, you stole my "Kuno vs Zansennin" idea. Retroactively. Dammit. XD
Humour is good, but keep in mind that jokes get tired fast. For example, the fact that everyone twitches when Cologne says "husband" is only funny up to the point where she actually brought it up. Consider that the "punchline", if you will.
| Ghost chapter 5 . 3/8/2007
Everyone is reasonably IC, though Ranma is usually way more aggressive then this. Plus, Happosai might be going a little overboard with the whole thing. (I've always considered him moraly ambiguous rather then actually evil.)
| Ghost chapter 4 . 3/8/2007
The Kodachi scene was nicely done. (Though I've honestly always considered her as *less* honorable and stable then her brother, rather then the other way around.)
| Ghost chapter 3 . 3/8/2007
Interesting development, this. Also, Genma got a few laughs out of me there at the end.
| Ghost chapter 2 . 3/8/2007
And that right there is why I'm such a big Kuno fan. The guy is pure awesome. :D
| Ghost chapter 1 . 3/7/2007
| Koala Kitty chapter 11 . 6/14/2005
As always, thoroughly enjoyable. I really loved this story, and I wish you'd write more in general, you know. What's next, the vacation story? That could be fun. Or a whole different direction?
Don't take too long!
| dana-san chapter 11 . 3/22/2005
I wondered how you would handle the conflict Happosai and its resolution. Well- done! Great story! And I would love to read about their "vacation" and everyone teaching AKane. Imagine - Akane in control of her anger? Maybe...
| Koala Kitty chapter 10 . 3/13/2005
Wow. Tell you what, I'm not going to update for a while, so as not to distract you. I really, really, really want to see the end of this. Everything is going so. . . um.. . well. . . except no matter how the coin lands someone is going to be traumatized for life.
There has to be a way out, doesn't there?
On another note, the gamer guy made my brain ooze and run.
| sophie-chan chapter 5 . 2/26/2005
hey, you put Mikado-hentai in :D:D:D this is gonna be FUN. luvs it
| fjook chapter 10 . 1/6/2005
Great story. One for all time. I hope you decide what side off the coin land up. I really like all the twists and turns, completly unpredictable, like all the greats.
mind if I borrow Guy Bogard Hyabusa for my own storys.
| Afgncaap5 chapter 10 . 12/30/2004
You know...if the coin landed on its edge, Happi could be the one screaming "NO!" at the end there...especially if Cologne got him with the fishing pole right then. Then everyone's...um...happy...kinda.
And coins do land on edges. It's statistically improbable, but it has happened.
But if you refuse to take that route...the story flow would almost necessitate Kodachi. She is the cause of everything that's going on, and if you take a gander at lots of classic tragedies, people have to suffer even after they've learned their lessons.
Of course, you could go with Ranma as well, and make that part of Kodachi's suffering. That could work as well. After all, since Happi said that the others would be freed from the deal, that would basically allow them to interfere in any way that they chose since their non-interference was part of the contract anyway.
I'm not sure how I want you to end this. I'm a fan of happy endings, but you've set yourself up nicely for an alright sad ending. Surprise me!