|Reviews for A place called paradise|
| Rayna15700 chapter 2 . 6/26/2006
i loved it! i really hope you update! i love earthian and i really like this story!
| iPickleThings chapter 2 . 5/7/2006
O...It's a cool start-off and although Chihaya's death was a little abrupt there at the end, I enjoyed it (although seeing one of my fav. ukes kill himself made me sad). If you feel like continuing it, I'd be more than happy to follow along! I'd be interested to how you follow something like that up...
| ChioKyoMyo chapter 2 . 4/6/2006
It starts nice, i think you should go on.
| AoyagicestHime chapter 2 . 7/9/2005
sad story...yea...it'd be cool if you did a sequal
| Xelena chapter 1 . 5/31/2005
hidoi! that was so sad. i mean, it was good, but so very sad.
| Sorul chapter 1 . 4/5/2005
umm... it was short... and... well Chihaya died... and you spelled his name wrong... and you used wrong grammer. it is suposed to be past tence unless someone it is in first person.
| Kekachi chapter 1 . 9/29/2004
Hmm. Very 'hmm'. I'm going to give you constructive criticism, okay, and if you don't like hearing the word 'criticism' then, well, among other things, I guess you shouldn't be posting on a public website, huh? But assuming that you are mature enough to take constructive criticism well, here's your review.
First impressions to a reader are always important. You can't spell incorrectly in your summary and expect people to be having extraordinarily high hopes for your story. In some cases, this may detract readers from actually reading your story, simply because you can't spell in the opening summary.
In the second chapter (which is actually a note and I don't think allows chapters as notes, be careful, if anyone reports your story they might take it off because of it) you say that you were tired. Okay, that might just excuse you from spelling badly in your summary, but not in your actual story. That's what spellcheckers are for, right? Good idea to use it before you upload a document.
Capitalizing the character's names constantly is also a good thing which you should be doing. The basic concept of the English language is to capitalize proper nouns, of which a name is a good example.
Onto the actual story. There's really no point calling your paragraphs 'parts'. Sure, they are parts, but very small parts, and there really seems no reason for you to do it. You can have a change of character without needing to re-part it. Parts are usually a bit bigger then a paragraph.
One thing that was annoying me was your use of 'violate' as opposed to 'violet'. I'm sure that one could, if they let their mind wander, concoct an amusing imagery of violating eyes, however, it just shows that you have failed to give this a decent proof-read before uploading it. Admittedly, it wouldn't show up on the spellchecker as violate is a word, but that really isn't an excuse.
Appealing to the author with your use of 'you' doesn't really work in this story. I'm sorry, but it has a detatched feel to it, and your usage of 'you' shouldn't feel like that. Still effective descriptions, however, it detracts from the solemnity of the scene.
Changing tense is a big no-no. As a writer, you should know to pick one tense and stick to it unless there is a specific significance of the tense change (usually in a flashback or something). However, sin ce you did say you were tired at the time, I'll let this one go, even though you've done it through the entire story. Just... don't do it again. It's not a good thing.
Usually a writer spends the majority of their time describing the more important things in the story/chapter/part etcetera. With your part two, it leads me to assume that Kagetsuya's clothes are the most important thing. Nice describing though, but don't spend so much time describing clothing down to the last iota when people are more interested in your storyline then the outfits you can imagine up.
Your third part doesn't seem to capture enough tension and emotion for my liking. Not saying it has no emotion at all, far from, but the extent of the despair and angst the reader should feel just wasn't there for me. Perhaps I'm just picky, but the angst factor just isn't there to enough extent. That's more my personal opinion then anything else, though, so feel free to ignore that if you want. Perhaps it's because I don't know the series like the obsessed rabid fangirls that no doubt occupy at least part of this section, although I do know it quite well, I'm assessing more the writing then how well it appeals to the fangirls. As an angst writer, (uh, yeah, I would have put this in the angst category at least as a secondary category) you certainly have potential, however like everything it takes practise.
If you don't like my constructive criticism and decide to flame me, at least give the the decency of making it a good flame. I tried to write you a comprehensive review outlining the things you can work on as a writer. Not saying that I am God's gift to writing or anything like that, simply trying to help you make your reading more enjoyable for readers as a whole.
All in all, however, I was pleasantly surprised by your story. I have to say, your summary had me expecting the worst, but you still managed to capture emotion and detailed descriptions and entwine them into a decent story. If you extended this out, fixed up your mistakes here and there, I think that you would definitely get my attention with it. Keep on writing, and good luck for your future works.
| HieiWannabe chapter 1 . 9/11/2004
That might have been good if you had included an actual reason for Chihaya's suicide. People don't kill themselves because they think they're not perfect, you know. If they did, I'd be an awfully lonely gal. And watch your spelling.
| Black Angel of Destruction chapter 1 . 9/11/2004
Not bad! I liked it. Sad and romance mixed. Cool!