|Reviews for Forgivness is the Key|
| Sailor Coruscant chapter 1 . 9/23/2004
Wow, way to post song lyrics instead of actual storytelling.
Why are your character's swearing? They never did in the manga or anime. Why are your characters randomly throwing song lyrics at each other instead of talking like any other person on the planet?
How did they get in this situation? Also, who did Darient sleep with? Serena has many best friends. Molly? Rei? Why are you using a mix of dub and original names? If your lead girl is Serena, her friends are Amy and Raye.
This sounds like a flame, but it's not really. I think your story has potential, but I think you need to stop and think about it, and write it slowly. Describe the scene to us. I have no idea where the first conversation is taking place. Then all of a sudden we're at Darien's apartment, and without skipping a beat I think we're at the club.
Please, give the readers description, so we can visualise the scene as if it was a part of the original anime. What are the characters wearing? Are they happy / sad / suicidal? What are they doing as they hurl lyrics at each other?
I'm not trying to flame you, but I think you should take a little bit longer to add to your story before posting it, so that it will be much better and you will have more readers. Have a friend or beta-reader go over it first, so that they can tell you what might need fixing. I think you have some skill, you just need to develop it.