|Reviews for Mystery|
| goery phycopath chapter 1 . 2/1/2009
i really like were your story is heading please continue as soon as possible
| JediKnightMuse chapter 1 . 10/17/2004
Although I barely read this, it seems like a good start to something. The thing that threw me off, though, was the cat. Star Wars has no cats; at least, not in the way we see them. There are probably cat-like creatures, but that's about it. I agree with the reviewer who left a longer review than me...It should be longer, and more descriptive. Don't make her so whiney, either. Also, describe how she received the scar (I don't know if you did in the second chapter or not), maybe after she shows it to her mother.
| Kisaoda chapter 1 . 9/29/2004
Well... I'll be as nice as possible.
First off, I would suggest making your paragraphs more than a sentence or two long. Occasionally it's accepted, such as for dialogue or thoughts. But, when it goes through the entire story, it tends to get repetitive, feel brief, and be very frustrating to the reader. If you're up to it, I'd suggest going back and maybe either: 1)move some sentences into the same paragraph by deleting the spaces between them, or 2)adding more description. Description can be very very helpful at times. It gives the reader something to work off of, and it also keeps the story interesting. Don't use actual numerical symbols for numbers either, unless its part of a name. Instead of saying "16", use "sixteen". It really helps the reader view the author as intelligent (not that you aren't, but trust me, it helps).
As for the actual canon. For one thing: Luke, as nice of a guy as he is, would never accept someone into his academy unless it was he who seeks them out. He always judged their powers himself, and not based off of someone else's recommendations (unless it was of a close friend or family member). So I'd suggest rewriting her way of getting to the academy, perhaps he did meet her once, but never really seeing her face (as it may have been in the shadows), or maybe it was covered by a veil. Iunno...just make it seem plausible.
Warning: She has not reached this point yet, but she is in danger of crossing the line-be absolutely sure that she doesn't become a Mary Sue. Don't make her the perfect girl who can overcome everyone that challenges her without so much as breaking a sweat. Don't make her beat the bad guys in one move, or take down Master Skywalker in training. That's a major no-no, and that's what brings her to becoming a Mary Sue. Give her faults, giver her limits, let her make mistakes, and, please PLEASE don't make her lust, or fall in love, after anyone unless you make it very very plausible.
Now, the GOOD notes! (yay!) You have much potential and I can see this story turning into something quite interesting. I'll wait and see how the character develops as you bring her along before I decide to step in again. May the force be with you. .
| Snowfire the Kitsune chapter 1 . 9/29/2004
Wow! I wonder who followed Christella... Great first chapter by the way! Talk to ya later!
Sending (friendly) mischief your way!
Snowfire the Kitsune