|Reviews for Repressed Emotions|
| mikeysgirl228 chapter 1 . 11/21/2014
Raphs always the bad guy why can't it be leo being bad to raph
| YahiKonaNagato21 chapter 3 . 4/1/2014
| YahiKonaNagato21 chapter 2 . 4/1/2014
| YahiKonaNagato21 chapter 1 . 4/1/2014
| person. alyssa chapter 6 . 9/28/2013
I never swear but if I did I would say this is **** good
| Talking Taco chapter 6 . 1/10/2013
Raph, i just want to tell you something: GET SOME SENSE THROUGH YOUR HEAD AND INTO YOUR PEA-SIZED BRAIN! LISTEN TO LEO!
Raph: exscuuuuese me
Me: *slaps hand over mouth and then whispers to self* uh oh...*runs for life* HELP ME LEO!
| Crazymelody chapter 6 . 11/17/2012
Hey treestar ur the one out of line because this is one of the best stories I ever read. So even if u think ur being helpful, ur not even close. If ur reading this I'm telling u that this story is perfect... Just perfect.
| Crazymelody chapter 7 . 11/17/2012
Very interesting. I loved it
| TreeStar chapter 1 . 12/17/2007
The concept is interesting, but the piece itself needs a ton of work. Anyone can see it's barely a first draft. It's a mess, like you wrote it in one sitting and it took maybe 25 minutes. The itallics look like personal notes here and there for later improvements that you never made. I'm assuming you posted this for lots of CC and not for compliments, so i'll offer mine. :)
This isn't a flame. i honestly don't think this is your final work and that you plan on revamping it considerably, so if i'm wrong... I wish i wasn't. lol. :)
I'm sure you know this already, but the grammar and punctuation need a lot of work. Primarily the absence of periods where they should be is a big problem, and the result is sentences that run on in the dialogue and make little sense.
The itallics serve no purpose here. Why do you use them to convey an action? Verbs do that, not itallics. Read a book. Do you see itallics used for every action, or for anything other than a thought or one word that needs stress? No.
You use a lot of capitals where they don't need to be. They make the story more awkward than they add drama. Awkwardness is not dramatic. It's a turn-off to look at.
The text is rushed and a bit unclear. You're in a huge hurry to get to the next part of the chapter, so little to no emotion is conveyed.
Saying 'he was sad' doesn't show us anything.
'He looked guilty at the floor, hands shaking as he tried to gather himself together. He refused to allow his tears to fall, even though he was aware Donnie knew that he was all but crying.'
That tells us something.
While the characters say plenty in this draft, they repeat themselves a lot, so the story doesn't go very far in each chapter and emotions are poorly conveyed. We can't really feel the depth of they're feeling from moment to moment, and until we can, it's just a so-so piece of writing. Does that make sense? Additionally, there are random phrases that don't work.
"Me act like a brother," or "Leave him alone Mikey let him bleed that will prove who the better turtle is,” are two such sentences in chapter 1 that really don't work. Is Raphael a caveman? No. The second chapter just needs a desperate proof-reading by someone else who knows how to write.
Don't get your grammer knowledge from reading other fanfiction. Read some colligiate essays. Then you'll know grammar. Until then, get a beta reader who you know is a better writer than you are. Not your best friend who has a B in a HS senior English class. That's just a reccomendation. To get a good proof-read, you need to go higher up the totem pole, not stay at the same level.
| Terri chapter 7 . 7/22/2006
Overall this story has the potential to be very good. However a couple of helpful hints.
1) The biggest thing I kept asking myself was "What made Raph sick?". I've seen and heard about many, many illnesses but none would make someone just go off the head like Raph did. Now perhaps if there was a brief summary of how Raph got this way...perhaps Bishop messed around with him or something...it would make a lot more sence. Raph just 'being sick' and doing that to Leo just seems very unrealistic to me.
2) The format of the text is sort of annoying. You have italics here and there and you went a little overboard at times with the CAPS. Instead of using caps to indicate someone is shouting, why not simply state that the character was shouting? ("What on earth were you doing Raph?" shouted Mike.)
The one thing I really liked about the story was the development of the relationships between the brothers when they spoke to each other. For the most part, they kept to their characters (not much OOCness) which was really good.
That is my two cents.
| Mewfem chapter 7 . 2/3/2006
| Tewi chapter 7 . 12/2/2005
wow, that was so great! i loved it-no doubt about it!
| CelicaChick chapter 2 . 3/18/2005
Hi, just wanted to say I like the leo portrayal in this story.. and the no drugs comment!
| Michelle chapter 7 . 10/19/2004
Great story. I really liked how u wrote it. Leo and Raph stories are cool. Make another one about Leo. Really great writing.
| Lone Warrior2 chapter 4 . 10/18/2004
Its a good story really it is. However I do have a little constructive critisizm. They repeat themselves a lot. Don't make them repeat themselves so much. Or if you want them to say the same thing, make it a little more lively, a little more different.
I like the idea though its cool. Its too bad Leo wasn't listening when Raph was explaining how he didn't really hate Leo. I hope Leo finds out somehow. I have to go though, so I'll finish what is available at a later date. TTYL