|Reviews for The Oldest Child of Sin: Fake Angels|
| Zeronova chapter 7 . 8/15/2005
Well, well, well... Mr. PWMA. You had your break from GG, and so I had mine as well. Mine's not quite over, but it's getting there. I've been dabbling in original fiction (and doing quite well, actually), but DG is still on the radar, and shall resume updates soon. Before that, though, I thought I might as well re-acquaint myself with the section, as it seems to have changed since my last visit.
Onto the review!
First thing's first is that the scene in chapter 6 with Colt and Ky...how did that happen? Last that happened was Colt kille Corisione, and was on the run at night. Then, Ky is in a crowd with Colt, the next day, and they have a talk before he gets away with relative ease? The scene's purpose, to have Ky and Jeremy talk, was a success, but the circumstances of their meeting fall to a slight lack of verisimilitude. Also, you've got a few issues with your grammar. You need to put a comma at every junction of a sentence, such as when you pause to conjunct the sentence or to load on details. Secondarily, for multi-word descriptions, you need hyphens (red-looking, overly-complex, etc.). Acronyms like U.N. and P.W.A.B. need their periods.
I caught maybe one or two spelling errors, but nothing worth noting.
I liked the idea of the small town that Colt ad for his own, but if that were so, I think that bounty hutners or the P.W.A.B. could track him down through that. Also, it seems a bit convenient that he could fly and the likes, as well as be able toj ust stop in town with little to no issue. I know what the stigma would be, if he saved them and all, but it seems a bit...complacent to have it so simple for him. I do like all of the way-past references, like Matrix, giving Colt a link to where he came from and seeing the GG world through eyes of someone like us (in 2005). Only that I feel the plot, and places, are arbitrary, especially the fight with the Robo-Kys.
It was just...coerced, served little purpose, and felt jumbled. I didn't quite know what was going on until I read it through a few times. I do, however, like how you continually use secondary no-bodies to flesh out the story (drunk bums, for example). They help to flesh out the world, and the ideas of people being weird in their dress (porn dressed 12 year olds, which is really what they are). Good to see the zani-ness of GG isn't scrutinized by the average folk in their world also.
How could Jeremy just stockpile gas, and exactly how could he also just have it on hand? It all falls a bit too complcaently, as I said before, like it's just there to advance the plot and he has it because he can. I understand he has it, but it feels...weird that he does, like it is out of place.
The crime families are a bit shallow, reminding me of the Tanaka-beheading scene in Kill Bill Vol. 1. Same goes for the scene with Slayer, the odd "gray tower sitting in the middle of fucking nowhere", and the magical overtone of reaching the stairway to heaven (which, if followed by the standards of H.R. establishments, there are two: One on Mt. Purgatory and one in Greece). The fight with I-No was good, but the dialogue was weird. It was too nice, it lacked the flair and specialty to it that would be expected of their vernacular (especially I-No). Also, the end of the fight lent itself towards more of a forced conclusion, leaving us wondering what he'll do with Dizzy, how his town factors in, what the crime lord's business is, etc. If this isn't the end, then I've nothing to complain about, but ifelt like you tried to tie a knot before yuo finished taking the yarn off the spool, so to speak.
I liked a lot of the bits on building the world, but these two chapters felt coerced, in both executiona nd details. The plot zoomed, the details weren't totally accounted for (as things should be in H.R., every action has a reaction and there's nothing for the hell of it, it's close to reality in that respect), and it felt rushed, plot wise.
| Migo chapter 7 . 8/10/2005
Really good fic. Read the other one as well and was confused for a while as to why this has the same name as your other fic but isn't a sequel.
Nonetheless it's still great stuff. Great O.C., mostly I don't like it when people create badass O.C.'s mostly because they tend to be overpowered but your O.C. doesn't seem to have that problem. I'll be awaiting the next chapter.
| Sheo Darren chapter 7 . 7/23/2005
“I search for the strongest to help me finish the phrase. 'Perhaps today…”
That's the greatest line courtesy Jeremy, ever. Sad and hard-ass all at the same time.
Brutal but nicely rendered battle. And the way Jeremy snatched victory and survival from defeat is worth a chuckle. The great I-No, beaten by six rounds of .45 Magnum. Black Tech is better than Magic...
Good fic! Looking forward to reading more of your stories in the near future!
| Sheo Darren chapter 6 . 6/24/2005
Good work, Person. Everyone is in character. Also and especially good is that Jeremy is becoming ever more defined as a unique and interesting being. You developed him pretty well so far, and I'd really like to see just what his intentions are towards Dizzy and the others. Can't wait for your next update.
| Nik Hasta chapter 6 . 6/24/2005
Interesting, very interesting. Just what the hell is Jeremy? And what will his next combat with I-no bring?
Update soon dear boy.
| Sheo Darren chapter 5 . 3/29/2005
I see now. So Jeremy isn't just into guns. He's also into psychic weapons manifestations. No wonder his head hurts. All that power locked up inside of him; he's a whole world of bloody hurting just waiting for an excuse to throw down. And now that he has his direction and target- fear. Death stalks the world.
Awesome, Person, just awesome, man. Good work.
| Marching Madly Onward chapter 2 . 2/14/2005
Another chapter down...
How ironic that Jeremy ends up on a vessel with his quarry.
The May/Colt interaction was entertaining and dead on in terms of characterization. Of course, Johnny using his incredibly notorious airship in such a way strikes me as a bit odd. Even then, it's a minor thing.
The irony makes things intriguing, although it feels a bit slow-paced. Then again, that's another minor nitpick. Some of the best stuff around spins the yarn of excellence across months or even years.
| Marching Madly Onward chapter 1 . 2/11/2005
I've heard about and seen your story before, but this is the first time I've actually had a chance to really read it...what to say, what to say...
Not much, really...
The story is well-written, so I can't really criticize unless I get down to the nitty gritty little things that don't matter. Then again, it doesn't strike me as outstanding (although it's still very well-written, far beyond what is the common "story"). Don't misunderstand me. I'm not tyring to insult your story or your skills. I'll read further before I so arrogantly judge.
| Zeronova chapter 5 . 2/9/2005
You know my review style, read as I go, but good to FINALLY see the update. Was thinking that maybe Colt died before he should (bad pun). A note though, as for the title and it is used later...Thalt isn't a word, it is "Thou shallt not kill", a little note.
I liked the introduction of Paris, very gritty and how I like to see things, except you kind of switch to an odd type of narration...you use active verbs and tense forms, like "is" instead of "was", which is generally a no-no in describing, unless it's stylized for the moment (like fast paced action or something that is supposed to seem surreal, not broad description of a city). I liked the scene with Trace, especially "Twenty Questions or Russian roulette" which got a snicker from me. But...it was quick, and I know you have a lot of time left to flesh out this new city, but it felt a little lifeless and barren to picture these two people in a setting when you do little to explain it other than the blurb at the top then saying he ran through the buildings. Not bad, it's quite on par with your "just enough" type of style and writing, but I still think you could add more bits in here and there to flesh it out. Also, we're shown more and more of Jeremy's darker side, which has yet to be explained in this version...sticking to the old way or adding something new? Well, my only suggestion is don't get carried away with it.
The scene with thw two kids and the following Jeremy-buting-in-on-the-smugglers felt very similar to what I had planned with you. Is it on purpose? Also...wouldn't the Don remember Jeremy? GOod enough fight scene...you approach them much differently than I do. I like to show the battle in all of its intricacies down to the slashes and blocks, but you take a more broad massacre style, where you narrate the thing from more of an overlooking perspective, which works very well. You don't tell every little bit of detail like I do, but you do it with enough tact to show us the battle and how people acted/felt without doing it the way I do...I like it. I might have to work on that, considering I kind of like this less-description-less-words type of fighting style, and it gives just as much of an impression. Good job there.
And here we go, answering my question above. Great job here. I loved the scene between Corisione and Colt, namely because it was a good way to tie in the events in my story as well. Also, the little nuance like the Troy bourbon. One issue...the Don goes instantly from being scare and running off to being calm and collected behind his desk, yet you showed no reason or anything to show this difference other than me going "Huh?" at the character change. It felt a little bit...odd to see his characteristics change so quickly. Also, PWAB should be capitalized, you only had one of the four letters, a little diction error. By the way...what was the point of the bolded text in this scene? I mean, in earlier, you've had bold and italics for Colt's id and ego, but this one, italics was used only to show what happened in the past, shedding light on his creation (reminded me of Justice, ironically), but was the bold your "internal Jeremy thinking"?
And we end with Ky getting ready to track Colt and their first meeting.
Well, in all honesty, I liked this chapter a lot, better than 4 was. Of course, I love seeing any references and linking with my story, so I'm giddy at that bit, especially the last words by Colt. The tension is building as well for Ky to engage Jeremy, and we'll see what happens there. I found myself chuckling a few times, at the wit and humor you infuse into the story through Colt, as well as the soon-coming chapters in DG to help link this bridge. So, we see how the PWAB ties into it, the end of the rope for Corisione, and the new files to help Colt on his search. This is getting good, don't take months inbetween updates though, alright?
| Nik Hasta chapter 5 . 2/9/2005
Wow. Jeremy isn't human, obviously. And Quint knows Jeremy eh? Interesting. What a merciless person he is. Kinda like how I expected Sol to be. Great chapter, Ky vs Jeremy next and Ky's going to get his ass kicked. Keep writing.
| Sheo Darren chapter 4 . 12/17/2004
Oh, my. My respect for Jeremy has gone up by a huge percentage.
Nice action-filled story, by the way. The way you flesh out Jeremy's character is cool. Maybe Sammy will make a GG character out of him yet. _
Oh, and by the way, I followed your advice. TWWAW is now in the Misc./Crossovers section. See you there.
| Zeronova chapter 4 . 12/16/2004
Review as I go.
We see Jeremy still retains his special side from the original incarnation of the story. On a side note, I think in the original story, his powers were just a bit...off the wall and almost too much (despite losing a lot, they still seemed a bit excessively ridiculous). I won't make a problem of it, and it's nothing that's an issue as far as the writing, I just found it a little bit...Psylocke powery. You have adopted my favorite stance on GG (harsh reality, I call it), and I'm not to say that his powers would be wrong in this harsh reality world (We damn well know the Gears and Dizzy), but to keep it in limits would be for the best, I think. Sometime, they gotta come out full throttle, and do some wicked cool stuff, but in my own perception, there's a line between "cool!" and "Uh...this is starting to get really weird." I have nigh unbreakable faith in how the story will turn out concerning this aspect, because of the way you have conducted the story this far. Just wanted to address an original/remake issue I'm looking to see how you handle in this one.
Just a wee bit of inconsistency in using italics/bolds form Necro and Undine, respectively. You forgot a few of the accents for their speaking, but it's nothing a beta read couldn't change. I like how you use it though, in having the harsh reality sentiment I expressed in TWH's At Freedom's Expense about her wings, and to see it here how I would envision it. Good job on that. And, someone FINALLY shows that yes, Dizzy can bleed, and be like a real girl, and be extremely hurt. She's an independent and strong character, but in all of the "Dizzy falls off the Mayship!" stories, none really actually go to lengths that yes, she would be f-cked up from that kind of fall.
I like the thoughts of delusion you give Jeremy when he goes without the little white pills. It really gives more depth to his illness/special side than just a few neato tricks, that it's a real, full fledged side of him. A few more beta read errors (repeating a sentence twice in diferent diction). And he really has some psychological issue with May to be seeing her when he's whacked out.
Hmm, for some odd reason, this forest they're stuck in is reminding me exactly of the Ancient Ruins forest in Sonic Adventure. Godo thing or bad, I dunno, but that's what I think of with all the foliage and grimy rivers and such.
What's this new scene? I'm willing to bet it's just a dream state or something, since I doubt Jeremy would have just been nice with Dizzy in such a way, considering the hefty bounty. Or, you know, we have a huge scene that changed Jeremy to let her go, and we're not allowed to know what it was, or we'd ruin a nice mystery of the story. Well, I got a good idea what it was.
The first description paragraph of the Mayship being docked had a bit of repetitiveness of words used in describing it (sat, lights, night, etc.). It's not a big deal, just that it would have come off a lot more elegant had you used some synonyms. It was a good description, none the less. The scene with the muggers and pirates was good, and plot-tically correct (Stole your word, heh), but we kind of get a rushed and imposing feeling of this happening, instead of a fluid event that it would actually catch Jeremy and the pirates off guard. Instead, it kind of felt like Enter the Dragon, where a ton of dudes just pop out of nowhere and start chop-sockying everybody around (no offense to Mr. Lee's greatest film ever). The action was fluent and fast, as it also was a good sembelnce to the quick actions of Jeremy (much like how Fitzgerald used long sentences in long, boring situations, and short concise ones during tension moments, a style I try to adhere to, since it really makes it feel quicker or slower). My only problem is that for all of the dead teenagers and blood spillt...you could have had some nice fun with irony or symbollism in all of the aftermath, since it was basically a raid, and to my count, Jeremy killed...14 or 15, and that's not counting the sentences where you say "He rushed here or there", and the likes.
The scene with Johnny was good and apt, but I'm kind of lacking to feel the emotion in the whole night's events in it either being very tiring and tense, maybe because of the breivty of the scene. You did good to address they were teenagers he "slaughtered" though. (As a side note, Corisione? Say it fast enough, and it sounds like Corleone. Coincidence? Who knows, but leave the gun, take the connoli.)
The shadowing about Jeremy's run in with Don Corisione will probably end up a fun scene, with Jeremy owning all of his assassins, and then the Don and Jeremy sharing a Vito to Mike Corleone session. I like the new gang elements, since I'm a sucker for Mario Puzo's works (not Godfather 3 though...). Not to mention that there could be some more interesting turns coming up. Using the gangs is another good use of the world, as I said before, expanding upon what we know GG has, but it was never fleshed out so much.
As a side note, I think that Jeremy's letting go of Dizzy is an interesting involvment that will come back to him later. What happened in the forest is a nice secret you'll keep till later, but my own idea is that basically, Dizzy's going to have to reluctantly comply with Jeremy's wishes, if it comes down to it (and we see a similar ending in this one from the original, which is also yet to be seen). And, for things to be seen...keep an eye out in about 4 weeks (give or take).
Another good chapter, but I liked 3 more. Maybe it's just some of the little things I pointed out, and that I really wanted to see the Corisione story part, and you're gonna make me wait again. But, let's see some real good stuff outta this next chapter, PWMA.
| Nik Hasta chapter 4 . 12/16/2004
Is Jermey a nightwalker/vampire? Couldn't be... his blood is synthetic right? A gear? A prototype gear? An early failed experiment of 'That Man'? So many questions! Update quickly. Keep writing.
| Sheo Darren chapter 3 . 11/30/2004
Apologies for failing to review. Had a lot of things on my mind lately.
Review: Well, now. I keep on forgetting how evil I-No is supposed to be. Me and Lone Wolf have watered down so many elements of GG that they are almost unrecognizable.
I can see that you are making a serious attempt at writing an accurate, serious GG story. I applaud your efforts, for I can see that this is a very good work.
Jeremy is a very substantial character. Very believable. He has good and bad traits, an interesting motive and an even more interesting persona. Impressive.
Very good work, all in all. Your story captures the flavor of Guilty Gear and adds your own personal brand of influence. I ought to pay more attention to the way you write.
Will keep in touch and updated...
| Zeronova chapter 2 . 11/6/2004
Well, another chapter, and speedy. Good to see. You know how my review goes...
Interesting scene with A-Country and the children. Though, I thought thaqt the Devil's Living Place would be a bit more isolated from society than just a hop, skip, and a step from a village. But, it uses canon with Dizzy being born in a village and then exiled, as well as being in A-Country (which is another good use of canon, as well as the Mississippi paragraph). As a side note to Sheo Darren, I suggest you read up on some canon if you didn't know A-Country is the former U.S.A. Now, I do have a qualm...
In the village, obviously happy and partying that the supposed Gear was dead, by Jam, wouldn't they notice it walking the streets, new clothes or not? I mean, a girl with blue hair isn't the most common of things, and I think if the village feared Dizzy so much, they'd notice if she came walking through again. But, it's not that big of a deal. (Also, and this isn't an issue, but the airship is docked in the river, or floating above it? I wasn't clear about that.)
The bribe of the bullet was a nice little thing, just another added layer of story building, and it also gives a new way that Colt gets on board. The story has a different approach and direction this time, but it is a lot more fluid and believable, especially the description and liberal use of what I like to call "the world". To incorporate the world into a story is more than plot or characterization, but portraying the world the characters live and breathe in, being able to picture and show that world, different from ours, and do it without losing character or plot.
Dizzy seems a bit too talkative/happy for a recently recruited member, by only a few days, I assume? It's not bad characterization, but she seems a bit too forward for the normally shy, untalkative Dizzy, especially in the company of new people (Going to Colt, offering to make ice cream, etc.). Or, maybe you're trying to show that she is a lot more comfortable with people she can trust than having to live in the Devil's Hiding Place. It's not much of a gripe, since the author can portray any character who he/she sees fit, I just think there should be a slight explanation in her character change.
There's a few spelling errors. Such as you for your, one for on, etc. Just needs a beta read through to catch it, nothing major.
The May/Colt bickerings are very interesting. They're fun and show both of their characters well, but if there is one thing that seems missing, it is Colt's usual forcefulness. He says all the things he would normally, as does May, but like we saw with Lance, he does what he needs to when he needs to, and he just seemed a bit more...nicer to May, I guess is the way to put it. Maybe it's because she's just a child, and Colt knows it, but I would think he would have at least tossed May out of his room or something.
Overall, another nice chapter. Good use of canon, the story's going by pretty quick with a constant and fluid pace (something you've never been bad at), and tghe description is really helping, not only to the can-you-see-it but to the world, as I said above. Just keep it going is all I have to say.