|Reviews for Just Like Her|
| emma134 chapter 12 . 2/25/2009
that was really good
| Darwin chapter 12 . 2/27/2006
Interesting, very very interesting! I liked this...
When I get some more time I will come back and get started on your sequel.
I'm looking forward to seeing where you are goin to take Felicites life!
| Darwin chapter 9 . 2/27/2006
I know I've said this before, but listen to the dialogue in the movie and then find a way to put the pauses we heard into the dialogue.
The way this is written: "Michael took a deep breathe; this was clearly a touchy subject. "I tried to swerve but he hit us anyways. Sent us right into a lane of on coming traffic. When I came to, I realize that part of the engine was in the front seat and she was pinned, not six inches from me, in this horrible position. I think she was in shock because she just kept asking me over and over again if I was okay. She was more worried about me. You know if I knew then what I know now, I could have saved her; there is no doubt n my mind about that. But instead she died right there, about two minutes before the ambulance arrived. After that, I didn’t see any reason to stick around. I had spent a summer here with my grandfather when I was a kid so… After I got my degree, I just…I took off. I came here to move on, to forget. It seemed like a good idea at the time."
Is like he said it in one long string of sentences, and we both know he didn't. This was a hard subject for him to discuss...this was his wife he lost. Give the dialogue some weight to reflect that.
"He was the reason to why she remembered Julia, and her family and the…everything. It all was coming back." Drop the "to" between reason and why...not neccessary.
"up and whipped her" Hee! This was an interesting visual...I think you meant "wiped."
Something about this dialogue seems strained to me. Let me see if I can plug some things in that will smooth the transistions...
He had his arm tensed, the chain at the end of its length. It was obvious to her that he was trying to free himself.
He was frozen mid-action staring incredulously at her intrusion, "Who are you?"
"Felicite, Felicite Vander."
His arm slowly fell to his side, shock and confusion mingled in his broad features. "You...you can't be. She died three years ago, in a homicide."
"Selene saved me from the Lycans that night, but not before they had drained me. To save me, she made me a vampire. So no, I didn’t die," Felicite said. "I am Felicite Vander."
"That's not possible." His gaze lost focus. His next statement was a whisper, "They never found the body."
"They never found my body because Selene saved me." she stepped in front of him. "I had lost my entire family - my memory. saved me from an orphanage."
I hope that helps...I'm all about weighting dialogue so that there is emotion easily conveyed in the story.
Interesting stuff...its nice to see a reunion...
WEll gotta get some more tea, and see if there is anything else I really am needed here for today! LMAO!
| Darwin chapter 8 . 2/27/2006
hello, I've got a slow moment so I am back to give some more reviews!
HEre I go...
"baring the V. " Wrong Bearing. Baring means to expose, as in teeth. Bearing means to carry. (For this instance)
| Darwin chapter 7 . 2/25/2006
Wait...now it was my impression that Michael's push to become a doctor didn't come until after Julia's death? He did it out of guilt for losing her.
"Thanks Michael for sending that family tree of your father’s. It really helped. The teacher was most intrigued when I was able to trace my lineage all the way back to the Covinus Warlord. "
Interesting tidbit here! so she is related to Michael... a cousin? That is very interesting...now does she have the same "markers" as he does...? Reads on to find out!
"I need to talk to you, hence why I was standing here," she explained, almost as annoyed back."
This doesn't read like a teenager speaking. How about, "Don't ignore me...I need to talk to you!"
"she explained, almost as annoyed back." Simplify to "just as annoyed with Selen'e attitude."
"shot him multiple times but before he died, he called me Corven and informed me that he gave me the scar on my neck."
Hmm...this is coming out too fast I think. Give it some pause, and let it weigh down the delivery a bit. How about. "Before he died, he...he called me...Corvin. I couldn't help but notice Michael has the same last name. He also said that he had...marked me."
Now does this mean marked in the same way as Michael was marked? or just a say scratch? I ask because if it was like Michael and she has been hybridized too we should have seen hint of it by now.
AH! okay needed to read on more...LOL!
"Well, your grand father was probably mother's father and the name was probably on the door or something," she offered. Felicite agreed having no better theory."
REad that sentence again and see if it makes sense to you...it didn't make much sense to me...so you may want to reword it to make its meaning clear!
Overall this is more and more intriguing as we move further from the Selene/Michael plot and further into the Felicit plot. Excellent work!
| Darwin chapter 6 . 2/25/2006
Hi...I'm taking a break from beating my head on the keyboard about college, so I decided to stop over and give another chapter a read/review.
Off we go!
"I worry about my Sonja. Lucian, a high-ranking lycan slave, seems to have taking a liking to my daughter. A few weeks ago, I noticed her make eye contact and smile at him in the hall, encouraging him. Then a few nights ago at dinner I caught him staring at her. I scorned him for acting so inappropriately, but I feel it did little good. I suppose I must trust her judgment. She knows the covenant; I can only hope she abides by it."
Nice aside here. Though I wonder if it didn't take him for more of a shock than this, like he only found out after she was pregnant with Lucian's child. That would account for the overreaction we saw in the movie.
"I have learned today that to often has my trust has been misplaced. Soren came to me today telling of my daughter’s affairs with the lycan, Lucian. I did not believe him but when I went to her room I found them together in each other’s arms. Soren has failed me again and my trust in Sonja's good judgement was a mistake. They shall be punished soon, once the lycan wakes from the capturing."
Good very good! I will have to say thought that there is a part here that reads rather oddly to me...
"I apprehended both, although the lycan put up a fight." I would reword this part a bit by saying: "Both were incarcerated, though the Lycan put up a fight."
The other was the last part: "They shall be punished soon, once the lycan wakes from the capturing." How about "When the Lycan wakes from his 'interrogation' they both will be punished for breaking the covenant. Sonja...shall be burned to life. The Lycan will live on, live with his regret, and the reminder of his betrayal." Sorry I just started gushing there!
Overall very nice additions to the tale here! Gotta say seeing that in "Viktor's" hand was interesting.
Keep it up!
| Darwin chapter 5 . 2/22/2006
I was about to jump on the fact that Felicite knew Michael's name when I remembered that you had Selene give her a dossier on him...so she would know...LOL!
"At that moment Erika entered, demonic smile upon her face."
Hee...this is a good analogy to what Erika looked like...I was thinking more like "Delighted" or "Mischeivious."
"...you, now," she ordered. With a roll of her eyes"
I think it would be better if you started "With a roll of her eyes" as a new paragraph.
"Felicite bolting after him" This is a misplaced use of the "ing" version of the verb. I would change it to "Felicite bolted after him..."
"chrome-plated gun, much like the lycan one. " Like it? I think it was the same one! LOL!
We are tracking well, and still Felicite is in the background...snicker...you are doing well at having her at the edges of the scene without interfering with what happened in the movie.
I'm looking forward to seeing the spur off of the movie line and seeing what happened to Felicite...and how she is related to Michael (Which is what is suggested here).
Looking forward to more!
| Darwin chapter 4 . 2/21/2006
Heh, first off, I wanted to say sorry about the twisted way that first review came out, copy/paste decided it liked to be in the middle of previous passages, and I did not catch it before I submitted it, I hope that you can make sense out of it!
No specific nitpicks here...I will warn you that you needt to screen this chapter for some of the things I have mentioned in previous chapters.
I like how you have managed to give Felicite her own voice in this chapter, still within the confines of the movie plot, but outside of the current action. Not too many would risk doing that when they had an established story line in front of them!
Good stuff...I will give you more as the week moves forward! Take care and keep writing!
| Darwin chapter 3 . 2/21/2006
Okay nitpick...its Corvin not Corven...LOL sorry that is REALLY nitpicky...
"Though she still had her gun in hand, in her fearing state, all she could do was back up and runaway. "
Hm...This can be better written. "Though she was still in possession of her gun, fear short circuited her training. All she could do was retreat."
":She reloaded a new clip and stepped over to beside the dying form. " I would say, "Loaded anothe clip and stepped over to the dying form." or "... approached the dying form."
"I gave that scar on your neck, Corven," he answered on his last breath.
Can I say WHOA...Okay? WHOA! Nice twist!
Thank you for not inserting Felecite into the car...I don't know what she would have done there. I was half expecting it and I think it would have lessened the story if she had been there...
One thing I noted...Selene didn't stay out all day, she was back before dawn, at least that is the impression I got. I could be wrong, but I think the crash/Michael's first dream/Selene dragging him back to the mansion all happened in the same evening. Kraven was just pissed she went out by herself, scorned him in front of the envoy, and spurned his advances.
Still nice telling...
| Darwin chapter 2 . 2/21/2006
Hi I'm back!
"sweet" Heh, wrong suite.
"She reentered the common room dressed in black jeans and black tank top. Selene threw her a coat and opened the window to the outside world. Felicite merely smiled as she donned the coat and followed Selene out the window, leaving the dresses still on the mirror and floor."
Be careful of using the same noun too often in proximity, you have window here twice in adjacent sentences. Might want to change one of them up to read: "Out the opening and into the night."
Overall...I am continuing to like this, you have done your research, and ensured that the convo's are down pat from the movie. One thing I noticed when Felicite was in her room was that you mentioned Kraven's expression. She might not have seen it, so you may want to describe how he sounds to her rather than what he looks like.
Great stuff! Keep it up!
| Darwin chapter 1 . 2/21/2006
Hi hi! I've been bad about not returning the favors on my reviews, lemme see if I can make up for it here while I have a little bit of boredom at work, ne?
Nice to drop us in the middle of the action, a very good hook to start off the story.
"Felicite could not even look the woman in the eye from
disappointment in herself."
"death dealers out " oops continuity dear, you have made Death Dealers capital in every other use make sure you follow through to the end!
Very nicely threaded with what was already established, you managed to insert Felicite into the scenes without making her "HELLO." The small additions before between and after made here very much a part of the story.
The mechanics suggestions are just that...so don't feel I am just ragging on you here, I review like this for everyone!
I can't wait to read more (And as soon as I have some food I probably will).
This can be a stronger statement with just a bit of rewording. How about: "Disappointed in her own performance, Felicite was unable to meet the woman's eyes."
"a pale man at the door on the other side of the room yelled to the woman before Felicite." I'm still learning this one myself...be careful about the dialogue here because when you tack this on the sentence becomes a run on.
A better way to handle it might be:
A pale man appeared at the door addressing Felicite's mentor, "Come on, Selene..." Do you see the difference in the weight of it?
So far I am liking the pace of this and how you have threaded this back through our first scenes of Underworld.
"In turn, she was now sweaty and gross."
In one way this is LOL...in another it is a bit of a slap in the face. Drop gross...and leave it at sweaty. Or say instead that she felt gross rather than sweaty and gross. It doesn't sit well with the weight of the passage.
"tight-ish" This is another descriptive that tripped my eyes. How about: "In a black shirt that conformed to her figure without being strangling."
Sorry not trying to tear it apart here, but I like to point out features that could be improved to make this a more solid read than it already is: "She gave Felicite a slight smile, turned on her heels, and left the training room at a quick walk"
It is the last part I stalled on: I would drop at a quick walk, because it would be assumed that she was under a deadline, and would leave quickly. Trust me I catch my self at this one all the time... You see it a certain way in your head and want every minute detail of it on screen. I have found it isn't necessary because you have set a good mood for the action.
"Selene, just leave?" woops! There doesn't need to be a comma here, unless you want to say, "Selene - did she just leave?"
"Almost an hour ago, I showered." The I showered in this strikes me as surpurfulous...not necessary, I mean (Sorry my inner thesaurus keeps coming up). You could add that Kahn stares at her disprovingly and she adds it assuming it is her dripping on the floor causing the stare.
"I over heard you talking with her about how she is afraid she wouldn't be able to 'protect' me. The problem is I don't need protecting.""
Overheard is one word...and I would drop "the prolem is" in the last sentence. Being that this is the typical teenage/young person rant about being a big girl she would just whine, "I don't need protection!"
Was it only an hour between her leaving and returning? I had an impression it was a long observation before they saw the Lycans after Michael.
Your story just thought I would ask.
"Eject the Meg," Hee it should be Mag...as in short for magazine.
"she retaliated." This strikes me as very well used in this passage. Retaliation when I hear it is an action, something physical. You could make your dialogue stronger if you drop some of this "he said," "she protested" etc. Now because you have more than one person that is going to be harder. I have been trying to tailor it more toward some kind of action between the sentences. As an example:
"You said yourself that you didn't actually see anything." Kraven crossed his arms leaning into Selene's face.
"Look, I know what I heard, and I know what my gut tells me, and I am telling you that there could be dozens of Lycans down there. Who knows, maybe more, hundreds." She wasn't to be daunted.
Something along that. Doesn't mean you can't use some sort of descriptive of the words. But temper it with some action.
""Hundreds really," " This would be stronger as "Hundreds - really." It is a derisive statement as if he doesn't believe Selene's voracity on the statement.
"Felicite came to be beside and in stride with Selene."
How about "Felecite came even with and matched Selene's angry stride."
| Deeply Darkly chapter 1 . 1/15/2006
Elven Companion, I'd love to review this better as thanks for the reviews you've submitted to my fic, but I haven't seen the film yet, so I can only say it looks great so far. There are some nice ideas and charries in here, but a lot of dialogue which maybe you could balance out with some descriptive paragraphs?
You've got me interested, though, so I'll definitely try and look out for the film, then I promise to come back and read the rest of this fic and review it properly. -spanks self-
Keep it up!
| demonwoman chapter 12 . 12/30/2005
Wow! What an awesome story! I must say I am impressed. Felicite is a wonderfully developed character and I love her connection with Selene and Michael. The way you added phrases and such into your story from the movie was so cool. I must go read the sequel!
| Petey-chile chapter 12 . 12/16/2005
very good story.
| evil-chick-spike-lvr chapter 12 . 10/19/2005
really really awesome story. I think u should make a second book and make them a series because this story was really good and u seem to be a really good author.