|Reviews for Ten of Swords|
| writinginreverse chapter 1 . 3/14/2013
Heh, ten of swords...
I'm a little sketchy on the first few paragraphs, but interesting.
| Texas Roughneck Lady chapter 1 . 10/16/2006
I found you here, Oracle of Doom, ah, LadyTremere.
I read sections of this manuscript. As an editor, I can safely say you lack many ingredients to be published. This is but a recitation of facts, it lacks emotion and passion so necessary to any story. How are the characters feeling? I would be scared in a dark alley yet Brenda barely blinks. She feels nothing. We don't feel anything from Simon or Morgan. Do they not count? You have chosen to do the hardest thing in fiction, create a world and inhabit it with characters, and done it badly. In your rush to convey the world, you dump info as if shoveling snow. Start at the beginning, in your own and conqueror it first.
I must say your POV is consistent, as there is only one in the sections I read. Readers today demand constant change.
I would advise if you want to be published, to widen your reading selections. House of Leaves is not a good example, it is pretend literary fiction that wears out the reader by its morass and pretensious attitude.
This is not purple prose but bland gray or beige at best.
You could improve, but to do that you will have to grow up, little girl. Life is not role playing games. It is joy and pain, good and evil, winning and losing. I have failed to find joy, or good, or winning in your writing or your LiveJournal entries. Your writing mirrors your life. Get out and live and your writing will dramatically improve.
To develop a story, plot and characters is no small feat. You have many miles to go before you have a marketable story.
My comments are not meant to discourage you but to motivate you.
I do not savage your work or attack the writer as you proudly proclaim you did on LiveJournal. I am sure the author of The Blonde Geisha was pained by your savagery but then again I am not you.
| Danita Kusor chapter 1 . 11/10/2005
One of the better vampire stories I've read of late. My only complaint is that some parts of the story jar a little with me, especially the ease with which Brenda accept her change. Otherwise very good though, and I am very hard to please...
| Lily Halcombe chapter 15 . 11/9/2005
There are a few scenes I think would have been better with more embellishment as the story does seem a little too fast paced in places, especially how quickly Brenda accepts her new life.
There are also a few minor gramatical errors through the story, but nothing that disrupt the flow. Anyway, anything that can keep me reading it from start to finish is very good indeed. Thanks for what you have written so far, I look forward to reading future updates.
| Danica Blake chapter 13 . 8/27/2005
I followed you from fictionpress-when I read that you had a story on fanfiction I had read it! Btw, Destiny's Pawns is awesome and I hope you update that soon.
Ten of Swords is great! Very dark, but extremely well written-I look forward to your updates and keep up the amazing work!
| Penni Lane chapter 11 . 4/12/2005
Another fabulous chapter (reminds me-I need to update soon). I have to admit, I like Matt already. But then, what girl isn't drawn to a devastatingly handsome guy with a British accent?
| Nightmare Man chapter 10 . 3/26/2005
Are you gonna include the Spirits and the "claimed" from Werewolf: The Forsaken? (add some werewolf characters to the story)
| Penni Lane chapter 9 . 2/26/2005
Another amazing update-you're making me like Requiem! I like the way you describe when people are using disciplines. It's one of the harder things to write in White Wolf stories, but you do wonderfully.
| CasusFere chapter 7 . 1/26/2005
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and guess you don't really like Lancea Sanctum?
*grins* excellent piece... Mehket is the greatest addition of the Requiem! Me want more! MOREMOREMOREMORE!
... *finds self unable to resist urge*
The blessings of Longinus go with you, my child...
| DuckyLlama chapter 6 . 1/4/2005
"He sighed, and extended his hand out toward Brenda. “From the wrist,” he said."
-Ooh, that's how Varian and Kiran drank from each other, until they decided drinking from each other's neck was better. Sexier. ;)
'“Let’s find you some animals to feed on,” he said in her ear."
| Penni Lane chapter 6 . 1/3/2005
I like this so far, it's very good. Your writing style is very easy to follow.
(By the way, I have a vampire story, too...under World of Darkness. I'm not all that familiar with the Requiem system yet, but your story is definitely a nice introduction)
| MeganKitty chapter 1 . 12/18/2004
I like it and i would like to see more of this story hun :)
MeganKitty from LJ
| Dream Marauder chapter 3 . 11/19/2004
This is a very heavy scene. You do an excellent job of capturing the desperate mood and sense of helplesness from your character.
| Dream Marauder chapter 2 . 11/19/2004
You're still doing a great job. The characters are all coming across distinctly and the action does not lag.
Here are a few more spots in the story that you might want to look at.
"...it also had a section of it that was full of static..."
You may want to avoid reusing the word "it" in close succession here. Probably it should read either "there was a section of it..." or "it also had a section that was..."
I love this sentence: "The word ‘Pause’ immediately appeared on the television screen as both men turned to look back at her"
You forgot to end your quote here: “He’s not quite ready.
| DreamMarauder chapter 1 . 11/19/2004
You've done a great job so far... there are just a few suggestions I would make. The first is clearly a typo:
"...she did found the shop nearly empty..."
The second thing I noticed is that you mention 3 different times in a short span that missing person cases often turn to homicides if not solved quickly. It bears mentioning, and maybe even repeating, but not thrice in quick succession.
Bravo... on to the next chapter.