|Reviews for Why can't everyone just leave me alone|
| Mrs Dominic Toretto Aus chapter 1 . 1/4/2008
great story hun
keep those updates coming
| AnaDry chapter 1 . 6/28/2006
I'm a new reader to your story and I think this chapter is a great beggining. I really like the Mia/Brian relationship. I hope you up-date soon.
| DreamShadows chapter 1 . 7/31/2005
Well we will find out the answers to those questions, when you... UPDATE.
| OTHlover04 chapter 1 . 3/17/2005
you are evil! please update!
| MissStreets chapter 1 . 11/15/2004
Thank you for attempting to write an actual chapter. You came closer this time but still...Fell short. You might want to either talk to your local English teacher about a book you could read on correct style and formatting in the English language or look for websites on this topic. I'm sure there are several which would help give you a basic grasp of comma use and how to write dialog.
"Brian" someone was yelling from behind him. Should read "Brian," someone was yelling from behind him. Proper comma use.
The next sentence woefully abuses the poor comma. It would flow better as,
"He turned and there, standing right in front of him was the last person he expected to see. Mia."
Then we have the masterpiece line,
"It had been about a year since the heist Brian left, he had started to care a lot about them and when they found he was a cop they felt, mad, betrayed, and hurt, h had cared about all of them."
You might try something like,
"It had been about a year since the last heist, which had caused Brian to leave. He had started to care a lot about the team and when they found out he was a cop they had felt mad, betrayed and hurt."
You don't need to repeat that he cared for them twice like that. It feels like filler and while repetition does work for emphasis sometimes it does not work for you here.
"But there was only one person he really cared about Mia."
This reads like you were telling a story to Mia. It would flow better more like "There was only one person he really cared about; Mia."
"When she found out he was a cop his whole world had started to fall apart, because by just looking at her face he knew she was going to leave himit had happened after everything was done."
There is a lot wrong with this sentence. It does not work as one sentence. Him and it should be two separate words. It would work as,
"When Mia had found out he was a cop his whole world had started to fall apart. Just by looking at her face he had known she was going to leave him. And sure enough she had after everything was done."
Have you ever thought of a beta reader? That is someone who would go over your work with you and help you correct all this stuff before you put the story up in the public eye. Although I would question if there is any real point in bothering here since you seem to take such a lackadaisical view of your own writing.
Flashback scenes would be better done in italics to show they are different, not flashback tags. Did you ever read a novel with flashback tags?
He said she said in dialog is very low level and does not help you with describing the scene. The most satisfying stories to read are those which paint a vivid picture of a scene in the reader's mind. Your story spits info at us to tell us how it is, it does not attempt to paint any sort of mental picture.
"She pulled him aside and told him that she hated him and never wanted to see him again. He said “I’m leaving anyways so I really don’t care Mia I tried to gain your trust at first cause it was my job but then I just liked being with you guys. I felt like I had a family and I had started to fall in love with you and to tell you the truth I still am but I’m going to get over you one day I will love you but guess what I won’t need you."
Let's look at this one.
"Mia pulled him aside. She looked Brian in the eyes and told him she hated him and never wanted to see him again. Brian had felt it coming for a long time since they hardly spoke anymore and it was clear his deception had hurt their relationship. But her malicious words had hurt him too so he lashed back at her.
"I’m leaving anyways so I really don’t care Mia. I tried to gain your trust at first cause it was my job but then I just liked being with you guys. I finally felt like I had a family and I started to fall in love with you. To tell you the truth I still am, but I'm going to get over you one day. And when that happens I won't need you!"
I'm not really sure what you were trying to say there, so I really don't know if mine is the same feeling, but since yours didn't really make sense I don't guess it would matter that much.
In the rest of the dialog, which should be on a new line for every time the speaker changes, I don't understand why you start a new paragraph in the middle of Mia's speech. Your sentences are so very run on. You might want to look up the terms run on sentence and comma splice on the 'net and learn what they are and how to avoid them.
You have both Brian and Mia out of Canon. Canon is how the people who wrote the movie and directed it made the characters. Mia would never as she's shown in the movie act like you have her acting and Brian would never cuss and swear at her.
There is a place
Their is used to say the item belongs to them, it is their’s.
They're is the shortened form of they are.
Try to use the proper forms.
Why do the guys forgive Brian so fast? Why isn't Vince in the hospital or jail? It is because explaining those things clearly would have been more effort then this story is worth to you?
The last paragraph needs punctuation, spelling and a point. Um, I'm 5'7" and considered tall for a woman. Average height for a woman is 5'4". If that's average, how do you figure over average is short?
Capital letters. Periods. New paragraphs for new speakers. Back story back story back story. Let me guess something? You have black hair and blue eyes or you wish you did and you fancy Brian?
Does Mia say they dated?
| SocererCharity chapter 1 . 11/13/2004
Hey what is up with Brian what an ass. But I will be looking for the next chapter.
| Alexis chapter 1 . 11/13/2004
Grammer, Spelling? Just ideas.
| roswell lover 11 chapter 1 . 11/12/2004
i love this fic
please post more soon