|Reviews for Beauty and the Otaku|
| Fabulist chapter 5 . 7/18/2005
hahaha, I loved the part when Kaname went into the woods in hope of magically luring Sousuke to her rescue.
"…oh. A fawn. Cute." hahahaha.
This was a very sad chapter, but I suppose that's neccessary if we want a happy lemony ending! *wink wink, nudge nudge*
I don't understand how you're so good with characterization, but you really are. Even Kyouko is perfectly in character and you don't even say much about her! -applause-
I have only one tiny suggestion, but you should just take it with a grain of salt because I probably don't know what I'm talking about. I was just thinking that as sad and forboding the "she'd never get the chance..." "his decision was too late..." messages are, I wonder if the story would be more powerful without them. Since you told the reader point blank that Sousuke will not get back in time, that takes the edge of the suspense off and just lets the dispair sink in. I think the racing plot would be even more intense if we wondered and hoped if he would make it, only to find that... alas! Eh, just my two cents.
Anyway, I can't wait for the next chapter! You've got me on the edge of my seat.
| Fabulist chapter 4 . 7/18/2005
I really like the way you've mixed the seemingly medieval period with the present, like with bows and guns. I also like your sneaky references to the disney movie. -snark- The singing teapot and the candlestick with an accent.
I think what I really like about the way you write Kaname is that she conciously makes the decision to be strong and forceful and hard, it isn't her natural default disposition. Most of the time people assume her kind side is the unusual, forced side, but maybe that's her true self after all, and everything else is the act?
-fawns over archery squish-
...-and promise squish-
What the hell. -waves squish flag-
“And when he gets back, you can grant him a lady’s favor!”
| Fabulist chapter 3 . 7/18/2005
Aw, I do love the squishies. I think they were very well executed, not out of character at all and very believeable. What a sweety, guarding her in her sleep _.
So many good lines in this chapter, too!
“I’m afraid I don’t entirely understand, Tokiwa. Is there a problem with the fireplace? Do you have reason to believe that there is a fire hazard in the fortress?”
"If she escapes again, you’ll find your balls in the moat. Understood?”
And only Kaname would wimpishly ask for protection from nightmares then make demands of her protector, hahaha. Well done, once again.
| Fabulist chapter 2 . 7/18/2005
Gasp! Sousuke has a sense of humor after all! I really love how you play Kaname's strength against her weekness. Most writings either make her beyond needing help or completely incapable of fending for herself. You have a nice balance between the two that makes her admirable and likeable while still letting us fawn over Sousuke being the hero
| Joannica chapter 5 . 7/18/2005
you better finish this story. it's getting really good and fun. ) finish it. it's really WONDERFUL. I'll be waiting for you to finish it
| Fabulist chapter 1 . 7/18/2005
Ah! The magic! The mystery! The intrigue! _~
A very nice setup indeed, and I do believe you've captured Kaname's character perfectly. Confident and tough, but really just kind of scared and clinging to any semblence of a normal life. I can't wait to see what happens with her and Sousuke, whose word choice is amusing as always. Haha, I laughed at that line about consulting the physician. Great job!
*on to next chapter*
| Rhevik chapter 1 . 7/17/2005
I've given it a few days to settle, but I still can't think of anything actually constructive or critical to say.
It was very well written, and definitely worth the wait. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter no matter how long it takes.
| Rhysande chapter 5 . 7/17/2005
| cultnirvana chapter 5 . 7/16/2005
Another brilliant chappie, hon, but that was to be expected. Gah, Sousuke better hurry and get back before it's too late (and of course he will because you wouldn't be THAT evil to your readers _)
No compliants from me as everything looks perfect. Kaname per usual is her true self and not some watered-down, over-violent alteration as most authors turn her into (even those who attest to loving her character *sigh*)
But, yes, with all the hype of TSR about, hopefully it will put you in the right place to do another chapter soonish. I know it's trying to get my plot bunnies hopping again, but sadly they are going off in the wrong direction (it used to be so easy for me to come up with a storyline ;_;)
Love you, sweetie.
| Starzki chapter 5 . 7/16/2005
I read this whole story yesterday but am only getting around to a review today. Sorry.
I've enjoyed this story. It's an odd and interesting crossover, but you've made it work really well. I especially like the little additions, homages, to the Disney version of BatB (singing teapot, French-accented candle holder). It was great how you really showed and explained Kaname's stubbornness and the interaction between her and Sousuke was just right.
It made me sad that they separated for this whole chapter. It also made me look forward to your next update.
| Lakewood chapter 5 . 7/16/2005
No, I strongly disagree with what you wrote in your A/N; this chapter definitely shows the hard work you put into it. Personally, I thought this chapter was incredible. Not to mention, it was quite a bit longer than the other chapters.
The drama and angst was well needed in this story. I don't think it would have been anywhere near as good if it didn't have it considering the events of the previous chapter. You've written the chapter and style extremely well.
I'm glad to see you adding more description to your story, especially since you can write it so well. Description is definitely one of the many strong points of your writing; you should definitely use it.
Dialogue and characterization was top-notch as always. Sergeant Belmont's role was well-placed in this chapter as well. He fulfilled his role well even if he was only going to be used as a plot-device. Unfortunately, I have to agree with a previous reviewer who said that you characterization of Mao and Kurtz was off. I really can't see Mao as being constantly abusive to Kurtz, nor can I see Kurtz being constantly 'accepting' to constantly being on the receiving end of said abuse. But, as always, you're the best I've seen at writing Kaname's character.
Alright, time for me to gripe a little.
About the only thing I can really nail you on is grammar, and I still have a hard time doing that since your grammar mistakes can be counted on half a hand. But, I'll give it a try anyway.
I don't know if I've pointed this out before, but the only time it's acceptable to start a story with 'and' is when it's being used in someone's dialogue. If you need a good explanation, ask MJP; he's the one that's jumped my case about it several times before. He will know more about it than I would. I'll surmise to say that's it's unprofessional to start a sentence with 'and' outside of dialogue; it's alright to use it at the beginning of dialogue since people do, in fact, start or continue conversation with 'and'.
Then, the last mistake of the entire two I noticed: 'sergeant' or any other title for that matter.
"I was just wondering the exact same thing, sergeant."
-Sousuke to Sergeant Belmont
I'm sure this might just be a typo, but I'll explain just in case. In this case, 'sergeant' is being used as a personal address. When being stated as 'the sergeant', you do not capitalize 'sergeant.' Sergeant should be capitalized here since Sousuke is using it as a personal identification, so here, it's like 'Sergeant' is his actual name. Using the word sergeant uncapitalized implies that he is just another sergeant with no direct address coming his way.
That's all of the mistakes that I can find. It's kind of hard to give you concrit for your stories since there isn't ever really that much to criticize about. However, one complaint that 'I' have is that I would have liked to know more about this 'duel' between Sousuke and Leonard. Also, you didn't really clarify if this was the 'duel' from a previous chapter or if it was something in the past not covered by the story, so it kind of confused me during Sousuke's mention of it. If it wasn't something covered in an earlier, I believe a flashback would have helped after Sousuke's mention of the 'duel.' Even if it was in a previous chapter, a very short flashback wouldn't have hurt anyway. However, this is just my personal opinion.
By the way, do you have a betareader? You really don't need one, but it never hurts to have a second pair of eyes to catch the slight slip-ups you might make. If you don't already have one, I'd be more than happy to offer what little bit of help I could. Just let me know if you'd like to take me up on that offer.
As always, you do a very good job with your story. Lately, I enjoy reading anything that you write, and I, like many of your other readers, would like to read more of your writing more often. However, don't worry about being in any rush just to appease us; take your time. If you take your time to write something and post it, it definitely won't hurt us in the slightest to wait for a little while. A lot of readers tend to forget that we as writers have personal lives as well. Anyway, I'll end by saying thank you for writing such a great story, and I look forward to reading your next chapter.
Keep up the good work.
| minitsu chapter 5 . 7/15/2005
Wow, this is really amazing! I love how you adapted the characters to the 'Beauty and the Beast' story. Your characterizations are superb and the cliffhangers are just ev-il. This is truly one of the better fanfictions of the (entirely too small) FMP fandom. Thank you for sharing your story and I can't wait for the next chapter! :D
| fiercemyass chapter 5 . 7/15/2005
damn.. its so long.. uh wait.. this chapter is so so sad.. im affected by the way.. hehehe! cool!
| Obscurebookwyrm chapter 5 . 7/15/2005
I read the author's notes, and I have to disagree - the time you spent on this chapter definitely shows. At first I thought the part where Sousuke ran off was slightly out of character, but then it dawned on me that he had, in essence, done the same thing on several occasions in the books/anime; for instance, when he skipped the 'fire drill' in the "Into the Blue" arc to look for Kaname.
As for the rest: I really can't find a single flaw. There were no bad scene transitions. The events that "set things up" for the next chapter were wonderful. The foreshadowing was excellent. And, best of all, there were no mistakes in spelling or punctuation that I could find. (Thank God for grammar Nazi authors!) I hope that writer's block and real life don't prevent you from updating again soon, since this is one of my favorite ongoing stories.
| Andrei Burnside chapter 5 . 7/15/2005
Take a bow, this chapter was exceptional. For starters, you've continued to be more descriptive about the environment, and in a manner which is highly effective. A small caveat about descriptive elements and setting, they seem to come in a pattern, usually the start of something (to my notice). Placement appears to be systematic to me.
I notice you're still skimping on the battle scenes. It's not your strength, and the vagueness actually saves you the trouble of getting specific enough to be a bother. Few things that are confusing me here. First, is Mithril still a band of mercenary idealists? Because it sounds like you're having Mithril adhere to the code of chivalry, which in Sousuke's case...is rather ridiculous.
Chivalry just prevents you from killing the enemeny faster, because of how knights fight amongst themselves. Amalgram doesn't seem to be that savage, I mean, they're only fighting for glory and to sate their bloodlust right? That might be a start to bad description, but if they were bad, they'd be cutting down people who surrendered and always going for killing blows (when wounding makes more sense tactically) and probably posioning their blades. Second, if you wanted to show a diversionary battle, the dialogue between Sagara and the Sergeant was a good choice, but still, perhaps a description of how they were diverting their attention? I mean, was Amalgram continously fleeing and launching small scale ambushes, were they finding abandoned artillery, or what? One last thing. You don't give matches and flint. You either give them matches, or flint and tinderbox. An oil (animal oil) lamp would have been the best choice, but you're the writer here.
The tongue in cheek moments were not lost on me though. Very entertaining, lightened up the chapter.
Additionally, the mood and atmosphere was pretty damn good. Kaname's sadness was pretty solid, and wasn't diffuse. It lingered all throughout the chapter, pretty oppressive. Sousuke's introspection was written well, I liked how you handled his grasp of emotions (or lack thereof).
Characterization: Pretty good overall, but you have walked right into the stake lined pit which is DD's characterization fuckup #3. Which is: The placement of physical harm on one Kurz Weber, by one Melissa Mao, any time the first party makes REMOTELY sexual coment, when both parties are A) Off duty B) Light Duty C)Guard Duty
D) Mission Prep E) Before entering Furball F) Drinking a few beers G) Far Proximity to Kaname Chidori. Now, you only can say you haven't impaled yourself upon these bloody stakes, if you A) was attempting to show Mao's trying to Kurz to herself (hard angle) B) Or telling me to screw off.
Overall: I liked it, very good. Heavy on the drama and regret, but in a form that was very readable. Keep up the good work.