|Reviews for When She Smiles|
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 11 . 3/20/2009
This reminds me so much of my best friend and me. You characterize their relationship in so many different ways it's amazing.
oh, if you do not write more I shall have to bug you with a PM every day! This is a most wonderful fanfiction.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 10 . 3/20/2009
This shows the prideful ignorance of the Slytherin stock. And the fear and insigingicance that Lily feels because of it.
Also the dates on the last two chapters should read 1983 not 1973.
kudos on a great chapter and really showing who lily is a heart.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 9 . 3/20/2009
This shows the pride Lily holds for her Muggle origins. I especially enjoyed the 'smoke to pee' simlie. Although, smoking has been banned. :D
also, I enjoy the fact that Lily woke up early and May missed breakfast. :D
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 8 . 3/20/2009
This showed great chemistry between the Marauders, Lily, and May. The snipety section at the end reminded me of Harry, Ron, and Hermione in class with Professor Snape and Draco.
This showed several great character traits. In Sirius, the ability to show emotion toward someone he doesn't like in order to show the girl he does like that he cares. and In James, the devotion to Lily despite girls climbing all over him.
great chapter :D
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 7 . 3/20/2009
Who's point of view was this from? Mays or third omniscient? I was confused because I heard Mays voice so clearly but the tense is in third omniscient.
Lily's fears and grief come strongly in this chapters. Her similar feelings, similar to Hermione, of proving that blood doesn't matter in the Wizarding World, but also proving to the Muggle world that she is the same Lily Evans.
This scene between her and May speaks volumes about their connection. Connecting with somebody on a musical level, or ever through writing, makes a stronger and clearer connection. This reminded of a quote from Raise Your Voice.
"Artists feel what's in here (the heart). You have to find a way to put what is here (in the heart) here (into the mind)."
The fact that Lily and May connect also through music shows that they deal similarly with grief, confusion, fear etc.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 6 . 3/19/2009
errt? This just makes me laugh. I don't know why.
Great picture of day to day life. Also, you've developed Lily and May's voices so well the reader is able to tell the difference. So you don't have to write who is speaking. Also, do not write 'omniscient' when the view changes.
What I loved about this chapter was the light hearted and innocence in this chapter. It shows how their mind are mature but they are still kids at heart.
kudos great chapter
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 5 . 3/19/2009
"Being in the greenhouses felt more like standing in a FREEZER!"
- Freezers are much colder than the refrigerator. And I think freezer gets across the feeling a bit more.
I'm assuming that Wizards would also know what a refrigerator was. If they don't how do they store their food? It seems unlikely that magic would keep food from rotting.
The leaf dance is intriguing. It shows Lily's spirit. You worked the back story of both girls in seamlessly with the chapter. It shows their depth.
Kudos on a good chapter.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 4 . 3/18/2009
Great job writing the situation with Joe. You've developed him well for a secondary character. It really fits in well with the plot to make trouble for Lily.
also you do a good job of writing them as human. showing flaws. and the interactions between characters feels real.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 3 . 3/18/2009
"The pastor gave a wonderful sermon today. It was in honor of October 31st. All Souls' Day. As with many other things lately, his sermon focused on death. I don’t remember all of it, but my favorite part was when he preached about how our loved ones aren’t truly gone when they die.
They are with us even more now then when they were living here on earth. The most important thing that we all must realize is that all of us will die some day, it only depends on when and why. So we must be faithful to ourselves, to each other, and most importantly to God.
We must live so that we will not regret the choices we never made, or the risks that we never took. Never take anything for granted, because one day the people that you love are here, and the next they might be gone."
This is a powerful section of this chapter. I relate to it because the first year anniversary of my birth-father's death is this Easter. Your words are wise.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 2 . 3/18/2009
The sudden change in perspective and tense is bothersome. You should stick with the tense you used in chapter one.
Also rely on your writing skills to show the character's voice. You've characterized May so deeply and developed Lily's voice so well that you don't need to tell the reader who is speaking, your writing does that for you.
What I like about this chapter is the insight into May's past. The relationship she has with her parents shows why she is so closed up and why the situation with Amos Diggory hit her so hard. Great job.
Also, this chapter seemed a little forced. I think it's because of the shift in perspective I mentioned earlier. Try rewriting this chapter in third person omniscient.
despite that I really like the scenery you have in this chapter. It shows the calmness of daily life.
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 1 . 3/16/2009
This shows Sirius' personality well. It's so cute how May and Sirius like each other. :) Great chapter.
This story should be either in May's first person account or omniscient. I was personally enjoying first person because it was from a different perspective. And when May isn't there it would be cool to see the first person perspective of other characters.
For example Sirius. And also to keep every character in first person in the moment.
Or if you choose omniscient go back and change the first person to omnicient. Changes in perspective get confusing because tense changes too. and changing tense very often puts the reader outside of the story.
| DeWiL chapter 11 . 12/14/2007
Fantastic story!Loved it!Update soon!
| Abarraine chapter 1 . 11/10/2005
Why did all of our stats get deleted? lol, i went to chech and it went from like 20...to 3... lol sigh* how unpopular we are!
love from MAY!
| Mage Ren chapter 11 . 8/15/2005
Wow that last chapter was a bit random and fun. I love a good random story! Il ove May's character! She really adds to the story as opposed to a lot of characters that their only purpose seems to be to prove that Lily is not a loner.
Why is Lily so against having a boyfriend? She very clearly knows that she likes James and is comfortable with what is really stopping her? I like the whole Gumming thing. It seems a bit dangerous for a class, but then again its Hogwarts. My only consern about the story though is that James seems to have givin up on winning Lily over. Its great that he isn't pressuring her or anything, but he also hasn't done anything to prove his feelings for her besides following her around like a body gaurd. So howdo they get together? QWell anyway I Love hats happening so far! Keep updating!
| Maya Renee Charmelite chapter 1 . 8/3/2005
hey mo! This review doesn't count either, but thanks for loving my editing skills! :) I've got lots of ideas for this story... So my people will be in touch with your people on Friday...Sound good? Anywayz~ I was just wondering if this Lula May reviewer is Anna by chance? Just a random feeling on that one :)
see ya soon!