|Reviews for Clouded Sky|
| yiranY chapter 2 . 6/18/2012
I think it would make more of an impression if the word "murkrow" is used at the start of the first paragraph, but it's your choice, because it doesn't matter that much.
You repeat "turmoil" too quickly; it's unnatural unless you emphasise the next turmoil to make it obvious that the repetition is intended.
Hmm, I thought this would be more original, as in no gyms. Oh well, it's not exactly a bad thing, just quite overused.
A realistic lifespan but not realistic storytelling? As in, still using "types" to classify pokémon? Well type are needed for gyms, I suppose.
See, you just used a fragment in the sentence "Not terribly helpful in the area of caring for a murkrow of your own, unfortunately.", which would be considered a grammatical mistake if not in a story. Still, that shows that the narration is somewhat influenced by the characters (otherwise it'd be perfect grammar-wise), and proves my point from my last review valid. Mwahahah.
It's strange that pokémon understand what nodding and shaking heads mean. I personally view it as unrealistic unless there's an explanation given that it's ingrained to them, or it's a pokémon centric story (as in something like PMD).
The short change to Jinx's perspective is quite unneccesary. Although it does give a reason as to why he did that, it is quite minor. Plus, it is executed quite poorly, as the first sentence of the paragraph says "seem", which implies that we're not looking through Jinx but observing him.
Ahh, kiwis. I guess you're going to put in some underrepresented pokémon in.
Hmm, you're changing perspective abruptly again, at the start of the battle. "Realizing his mistake" means we're inside Tobias's mind but the previous and next paragraphs both focus on Jinx. I know third-person omnipresent is an accepted perspective... but it's ineffective to me. Because being in Tobias's mind and then having the next line calling him "inept" is quite awkward.
The ending is great; it gets me truly interested in the plot (because I haven't read enough to sympathise with Tobias too much yet). It isn't from anyone's perspective, which is slightly annoying due to being unrealistic but you handled it well with the moonlight.
Meh, I'm probably not going to review every chapter this in this detail because it'll take too long to read. Sorry :/
| yiranY chapter 1 . 6/18/2012
The process of revealing a "guide" as a "trainer" is executed excellently, slowly revealing details. The description is appropriate, not overly extravagant nor too brief. Personally, I didn't like it that much, but that's just because I don't really like reading descriptions; other people probably find it about just right. The introduction of the setting is also handled well, as it is mixed within events to keep the reader from getting bored. The writing is also filled with varied sentence structures and sophisticated vocabulary. (Meh, I feel like I'm analysing in English class. I'll try and be more colloquial, but it's hard when the piece itself is so formal.)
The tone of the piece is quite serious, with various language techniques; this sets the tone as rather serious, which it stays true to (at least in this chapter). However, there are places where it makes me feel kind of weird, such as "as unaccompanied to adventure as a Torkoal to swimming". The simile itself is fine but the way it is worded is quite unnatural. Even though the piece is written in third-person, the narrating tone should also somewhat reflect Tobias's personality, especially since it shows his thoughts.
There is an excess of names made out of two real words put together (forgot the term for it); "True-alder", "First-seed", "Bark-down", "Summer-blossom", etc. Even "Way-tar" is the same even though that's probably not what it means. I'd suggest more variety in names – unless there's a reason for the weird names, of course. :/
In the line "Next up was Don Summerblossom (a name that had forced him to endure no end of torment at school.)", the full stop should be placed outside the brackets as the sentence should be correct when the bracket-ed parts are removed; only when the brackets are placed outside of a sentence should it end with a full stop inside it.
You also probably spelt "mischief" wrong in the line "Michief and a sunny disposition. Congratulations, Marcus Deepriver, you are now a pokémon guide."
Nice cliffhanger. Although I wouldn't really expect a farm boy to say something like "Show yourself!"
As a sidenote, why do you not capitalise "pokémon"?
| Teraunce chapter 44 . 6/13/2012
well this is an interesting story. wonder who that voice is with the water pokemon, unless its the blubble trainer from the start. well, 10/10 so far.
| SparklySuu chapter 44 . 6/12/2012
Awesome! Anticipation is killing me right now!
| Nagashi chapter 44 . 6/12/2012
I was on the edge of my seat this whole chapter! Really looking forward to seeing where this goes.
I have to wonder, did Tobias have any chimes readily available to catch the Pidgeot, which would have saved it from drowning? Or would that have even worked, like a pokeball that fails if a creature already has an owner? In such a scenario, with such massive pressure, I can easily see how this wouldn't even occur to him however.
I'm actually shocked at how poorly the psychics protected the tower, however. I would have thought their most powerful pokemon would have been there in order to ensure that such an important point could never collapse. Maybe this just seemed like such a low possibility. Hmm, questions!
For some reason I got the impression, what with his remarkable confidence and experience from recent events, that Jinx was about to evolve here. Then I looked it up and realized that Tobias would need a Dawn Stone. Alas, a man can dream.
I don't think I've reviewed before as I'm a terrible and ungrateful reader who generally just consumes and favourites... that and I can never think of much to say. But I have to thank you for keeping this story going, as I'm always excited to read more, and considering how long this story's been going on for that's simply remarkable.
| Cedric Bale chapter 44 . 6/12/2012
You... LIIIIIIIVE! /frankenstein
Awesome chapter. I have abolutely no idea who was talking at the end, lol.
| WyldClaw chapter 3 . 3/19/2012
awesome! not only did tobias win his first trainer battle but he also added chevron the zigzagoon to his team
| WyldClaw chapter 2 . 3/19/2012
| Majiri chapter 43 . 3/7/2012
Awesome! Another chapter right after I review? That is amazing.
So, Tobias got a Wailmer, huh? I hadn't realized that Jinx wouldn't be able to take him all the way to the teeth with faint attack but I can see how that could be too much for him.
Anyway, great chapter! Well done capture scene and a cool cliffhanger to tide us over 'til next time.
Looking forward to the next chapter,
| Crown of Gold chapter 43 . 3/1/2012
Oh... oh... is this reality? Did my favorite Pokemon fanfic actually get updated? I think it did. Amazing chapter, man. So amazing.
| Katar Jin chapter 43 . 2/28/2012
holy crap an update and a good one too. attacking a room full of powerful physcics is never a good idea unless you have lots of help
| dzk87 chapter 43 . 2/28/2012
Awesome. Can't wait for more udpaaates.
| Majiri chapter 42 . 2/18/2012
Normally, I don't like the pokemon universe, it's either too childish -and therefore unrealistic- or made out to be some sort of death world where everyone is trying to kill everyone else and it all seems a bit too unrealistic. Your version on the other hand is amazingly well done. You manage to make your characters believable and intriguing and the plot is unique and fascinating. This is the kind of story telling that is very rare in fanfiction and even in published novels.
I started reading this some time early last year and spent many a night not sleeping because I was so engrossed in this story. Of all the stories on my favorites list this is the one I want to see updated the most, you have real talent as a writer and I hate to see that being lost. If you still check in on your account from time to time, if you still hold interest in the universe you've fashioned and if you still love writing, I, and many other people, would be overjoyed to see you return.
Even if you don't return to this story I'd like you to know that reading it has been a blast. We all look forward to an update.
| Chocolatetisgood chapter 41 . 11/10/2011
is this the "alternate" storyline? Accemnla turning evil?
| May Emerald chapter 40 . 11/10/2011
For a dead guy . . .
That facts amuses me to no end. Reading this story and listening to Monster by Skillet makes for an odd mind. :D