|Reviews for Magic|
| dinasthomas chapter 8 . 11/27
Wowser! Didn't see that coming! I like that you surprised me.
| dinasthomas chapter 2 . 11/27
I am fully intrigued by now!
| Evangeline-Sibeliah chapter 8 . 3/13
I feel like I missed a chapter. I would understand if she started to cry because she just used her powers to take lives (which could be something she'd never done before), or if she was crying from pain after using too much power, but where did that 'cry of a lonely heart' come from? Abe and her barely even had a moment, he just came up to her and said "well, everybody saw your earth-bending." How did her mind jump straight to "her heart having forgotten how to love another heart"? I think this part needs some revision. I guess you wanted those things about her heart to resonate at the end (with "letting her heart go"), but it feels really rushed and cheesy.
Here's my proposed revision, not to dictate how you should write your story, but to make my feedback more clear: Cavendish breaks down after closing the fissure because she's never killed before/used too much magic. Abe is there to comfort her - a hand at her shoulder, then a hug, and before she faints in his arms, Cavendish thinks about how lonely she's been, surrounded by people but not by someone she could truly lean on. At the end of the day, she says goodbye, can't find Abe, then finds him waiting for her just like in your version, except I'd make him the shy one. He knows she likes him thanks to his telepathy, but we know from Hellboy 2 how insecure he is, so maybe he has no idea what to do about it. He awkwardly says goodbye and she's the one who kisses him.
I think I'll keep reading, though. Overall, this was a very good story, and a great idea to introduce an OC character to the Hellboy gang - during a wild one-day mission. For me, however, this intense one-day mission was also why the amount of romance felt a little forced.
| Evangeline-Sibeliah chapter 7 . 3/13
Another thing I think is great - the way you describe her earth-bending and air-bending powers. The "moving", "pulling", "pushing" method is super simplistic, but perfectly functional for our imagination and also versatile - you can put quotes around anything from now on and we're gonna get it.
One thing I would recommend, though, is physical or mental consequences to using too much magic. This has been the second time Cavendish has used 'more power than ever before' - the first time, she was at least tired and fainted, but this time, she got up, did some more magic and stayed up. This really makes her seem overpowered. (Again, unless you've got some demi-god reveal plot in the works. Even in that case, though, Cavendish should be surprised that she used so much magic without suffering overstraining herself.)
| Evangeline-Sibeliah chapter 6 . 3/13
I really like how composed Cavendish is and how much she manages to be in control of her situation. I'm not sure she had to tell them the entire truth about her powers - she might've just shared the parts that were necessary - but then again, they're less likely to mess with her now that they know how powerful she is. And you could argue that she suspected Abe would get the truth out of her anyway. So your way was probably the better way _
| Evangeline-Sibeliah chapter 4 . 3/13
Hmm. I feel like we've jumped the gun with those butterflies in the stomach around Abe.
Looking back at the last chapter, she first found him beautiful, but then she was obviously wary and annoyed about his mind-reading abilities. She didn't pay him much attention from then on, except for noticing that he laughed at her match trick.
Now, she's suddenly super nervous around him, and I fail to see why except for his appearance. But the last few times she was describing his appearance, it was not infatuated at all, it was just "he's wearing shorts and nothing more" and "he's wearing a strange outfit". I'm starting to get worried that the answer is supposed to be "love at first sight", which is the ultimate romantic cop-out, something I would not expect from this level of writing. Maybe there's another reason for those butterflies - maybe she simply has a fetish...?
| Evangeline-Sibeliah chapter 3 . 3/13
I adore how she (Margaret? Cavendish? I'm not quite sure what name I'm gonna call her yet) kept her cool.
| Evangeline-Sibeliah chapter 2 . 3/13
I'm in love with your dryads. I love how shyly they approach the heroine and how they always thank her when she listens to their pleas.
The first half still dragged a little bit, but the latter half of this chapter was the bomb.
The protagonist has some really impressive powers. I think my favorite is that she can sense out evil/danger and good/safety, even from far away. But I'm getting worried that she's a little overpowered. This might be your intention, though - she might be the local guardian demi-god or something.
| Evangeline-Sibeliah chapter 1 . 3/13
You're doing some really great things in this first chapter.
I like that instead of starting with an exposition dump, you use the "show, don't tell" rule and show your protagonist using some of her powers, while also showing glimpses of her knowledge when she's reacting to what's happening around her.
What I do think you could've cut down on are the details of her morning routine. The duty of the first chapter is to suck the readers in and catch their interest before they get bored and decide to click somewhere else. Reading the details of how she sat up in her bed, whether she turned the lights off when she left the room, how long her coffee maker takes to make coffee, and how she splashed her face with water - all of this slows the story down. (Now if something important happened during her morning routine, sure, the reader would like to know where she was and what she was doing the moment that monster attacked her, or that moment when a potential love interest walked in on her...) I DO love, however, that instead of saying "she's rich", you mention marble floors, Persian rugs and a stable.
On to the next chapter!
| Kaida Uchiha chapter 8 . 8/30/2013
I love this story! Please update real soon, *heart is fluttering so much right now*
| LilyHellsing chapter 8 . 1/27/2009
Aww! I'm def. going to read the next (what was it? 12?) book(s) of this! I can't wait to get out of school and read them all ;D
| LilyHellsing chapter 3 . 1/27/2009
Sorry, at school at the moment so I don't want to risk logging in.
Oh my gosh, I just burst out laughing at the end XD Probably got some people wondering if I'm same but it was worth it! I'll keep reading :D
| falconsblade chapter 3 . 7/26/2008
finally. a well written story with an original character that is not determined to throw itself at hellboy. cant wait to finish this story. I hope the others you have written are as good.
| Kay Smith chapter 8 . 7/20/2008
HAPPINESS! *jumps around room clapping hands* I feel as happy as Bill Kaulitz did when they got his Jumbie back! (Love Tokio Hotel ;P ) *goes to read next story* Yay for Abe!
| Captain Grin chapter 3 . 6/2/2008